yet another patater au someone should write: kent’s an accountant, and he’s a damn good one so he’s fucking loaded, and also a single dad, and loves spoiling his daughter like the princess she is (obviously) even though her mom is out of the picture and she’s got a lot of internalised aggression because of that
but she knows he played hockey in college and he still loves it and they watch all of uncle jack’s games (he’s the one who got drafted, maybe?) so ofc she loves it too and wants to learn, and kent thinks it’ll be good for her so he’s That Dad that finds her the most expensive, elite coach on the market to build up her natural talent even though she’s only seven
so he flies alexei mashkov all the way from fucking russia because he used to play in the nhl and he was one of the best till he got a career-ending ankle injury and in more recent years he’s literally helped coach his home country in the olympics so he knows what he’s doing right? and everyone’s like “kent, dude, you have no idea if this guy is good with kids or if he can teach beginners at all, much less an elementary school girl who’s as stubborn and annoying as her dad” but kent ignores them because he’s kent and when has he ever done anything rational in his life (besides get a degree in accounting)
so alexei shows up and immediately crouches down so he’s on her level and starts talking to her quietly and kent can’t even hear what he’s saying but it’s making his daughter smile and laugh and relax so he doesn’t really care, and they get out on the ice and alexei is incredible with her and insists she calls him tater and gives her a hockey name of her own and lets her choose one for kent too, and they start off really basic ofc but it’s the most fun kent’s had in what seems like forever so he finds himself looking forward to the practises just as much as she does
and naturally somewhere along the way he finds himself opening up to alexei too, and asking him to teach him russian, and learning more about him as a person instead of just his daughter’s private coach, and one day while they’re practising checks she bumps alexei into the boards and he makes such a show of it, throwing himself onto the ice and raving about how good she is and how hard she checked him, and kent’s just standing there looking at this giant man who’s surprisingly gentle in his own way, making his daughter laugh and look happier than she has in years and it sort of just hits him
he loves alexei, and he’s pretty sure his daughter does too
Gravity Falls: Honoured death after saving the Universe
Over the Garden Wall: Lived intensely, died young
Steven Universe: recovering from the (Steven)bombing
Star vs the Forces of Evil: In coma after the Great Castle Nuke
Rick and Morty: Planning to break out of hiatus jail
Miraculous Ladybug: Might have killed half the fanbase and is now in hiatus jail
Adventure Time: Somebody please hand me a report I lost track of what’s going on here
Returning titles from ancient times:
Samurai Jack: “In the year -1 000 000 000, Jack might not have been here. In the distant future that is Aku, Jack was here, and he tried to change things.”
Powerpuff Girls: there’s something really different about you but I can’t put my finger on it and it’s really unsettling but whatever
Teen Titans Go: away. Please.
My Little Pony: in hiatus jail due to overdosing a foal with Mary Sueness
Bee and PuppyCat: not quite existing in some interdimensional rift between eternal hiatus and imminent cancellation
Bravest Warriors: showed signs of recovery after a long time in the UPS. We hope for the best.
Episodic comedy middle school students:
Gumball: still the classroom’s clown that occasionally offends someone with darker humour
We Bare Bears: still the adorable nerd with a furry obsession
Clarence: still the kid that gets good grades even though they don’t pay attention to the class because they’re too busy laughing at the classroom’s clown
And then there’s:
Uncle Grandpa: That weird middle aged man in a trenchcoat selling illegal stuff at the shady alley next to the Toon School that manages to stay out of jail for unknown reasons
Spongebob and Fairly Odd Parents: used to be cool kids but bought the stuff from the trenchcoat man and now they’re addicted hobos
The Other Kingdom: some weirdo who escaped Live-Actionville, Nickelodeon and is trying to take Star vs.’ place, what are you doing here please go away
It wasn’t like Jack didn’t like kids. It was just that, throughout his life, he had never really had the chance to properly spend time with a child, let alone take care of one. It scared him that he wouldn’t know how to behave, or how to comfort them when they were crying. Not swearing in front of them out of habit would become a ball and chain as well.
So, when you told your boyfriend of almost two years that your niece would have to spend a night with you two, he freaked out “Jack, she’s just three” you had told him when he turned into denial mode “My brother will pick her up tomorrow after breakfast. It’s just for a night. Please, it would be alright”
Jack had met your niece before, when she was just a year old and you were just friends. Your brother had moved to London along with his wife a little over a month ago. Your brother had asked you to take care of little Ava just for the night, because he had to attend a really important business dinner which was bound to finish at a really late time. And his wife was attending an important family emergency call back in her hometown.
Little Ava was a bundle of joy. She enjoyed painting with her fingers and dressing up. She was actually so well-behaved, you found it weird for a toddler.
“Yeah, I know. It’s fine, she can stay” your boyfriend said, but you could tell he was already freaking out.
You raised an eyebrow “Jack?” you called him “She’s just a child, no need to pee in your pants” you crossed your arms in front of you, waiting for your boyfriend to pull himself together.
“I know, babe” he spoke. running a hand through his already messy hair “Yeah, you’re right” he said after a small pause “She’s just three, right? I mean, I can handle that for a night”
You smiled and walked over to him. You kissed his cheek “Plus, I’ll be here all the time” you told him “No need to worry”
But Jack had motives to be worried. Your brother had dropped Ava off at around 4pm, and after a quick catching up with Jack, he had stormed off. At first, the little girl had just wanted to watch TV. Jack tuned in the cartoon channel for her to watch, and that’s where things started getting weird for him.
“Uncle Jack?” Ava raised her head to look directly into Jack’s eyes, as his heart skipped a beat. She had never called him that before, and so when she did, you found yourself involuntarily turning your head towards them “Can I have a blanket, please?” she asked.
Jack froze for a second, not sure how to react. Sure, he was her auntie’s boyfriend and all, but the girl’s comment caught him off guard. Did it mean that he could refer to her as ‘his niece’ from then on?
However, when he started seeing her, not just simply staring blankly at the three-year-old, he found himself calming down. She had Y/N’s beautiful eyes, because her brother had them as well. Her hair was wavy and fairly long, and when she smiled, a warm feeling grew into his chest because it reminded him of Y/N.
After what felt like a hundred years, Jack finally answered “Of course you can, love” he said, kissing the top of her head before getting up to get said blanket.
On his way back to the sofa, he bumped into you as you made your way out of what would become Ava’s bedroom for the night “So” you smiled, “Uncle Jack, huh?”
A cheeky grin escaped his lips “So I take you’re not freaking out anymore” you said, as he hugged you by the shoulders and you both made your way to the living room again.
“Hey” he said “One does not simply blow away the chance to become someone’s favourite Uncle” he stated, and you chuckled. Jack put the blanket over Ava’s little legs and you both sat down with her.
No sooner after sitting down, the little girl started making her way towards Jack until she was resting on his side. When he felt the sudden warmth of the little body pressed against his, Jack looked down and smiled “Comfortable?” he asked her, making you turn your head, noticing what your niece was doing. You grinned.
“Yeah” she mumbled, before lifting a thumb to her mouth and sucking on it while she dozzed off to sleep a few minutes later. Jack looked down at her, and wrapped an arm around her petite frame “I’ll take her to bed” he told you. He scooped her up easily and carried her to her bed.
After covering her with a soft blanket, he carefully pressed his lips to her forehead “Uncle Jack?” he heard her mumble, and he internally cursed for having woken her up.
“Go back to sleep, princess” he said sweetly, before kissing her forehead again.
She whispered something inaudible, before closing her eyes again. Jack smiled at the child in front of him. It was then when he knew that maybe he was better with kids than he thought.
When he turned around to leave, he saw you leaning against the door frame, a big smile plastered on your face. Without saying a word, he walked up to you and wrapped his arms around your lower waist, parting your lips with his tongue. You laced your fingers on his hair as his tongue made love to yours. When you pulled away, his cheeks were red “Is it bad that I want to make babies right now?” he breathed out.
You chuckled quietly before pecking his lips again “Not a chance, Maynard” He fake pouted before attacking your lips again, the image of a beautiful family of your own flying above both of your heads.
alicia zimmermann is literally a supermodel? she’s literally iconic like for every Uncle Gretzsky jack has jack also has an Auntie Kate and an Auntie Naomi and an Auntie Tyra like his mother is LOVED in her industry she guest stars on ANTM a bunch probably and you know what? jack has done photoshoot after photoshoot in his Dad’s old ratty ass jersey and then one day he’s like???? what about my literal mother who is also iconic and beautiful and that’s how jack zimmermann ends up on the cover of vogue recreating his Mother’s most famous photoshoots and YES that includes that one where she was naked with only her eyes showing over the bathwater . it’s the best selling magazine vogue has that year, bitty buys 80 copies probably, and bad bob is so proud of his model family. his aunt naomi posts the cover picture like “he did that!!!!!! ❤️” jack is very loved