I forgot how amazing but how painful it is to have a crush on someone. I forgot how amazing it feels to be excited to see someone and talk to them but how painful it feels to not know whether or not they want to see you and talk to you.
But ever since I met you, I’m starting to remember all over again.
Every time I think about you, I can’t help but smile.
Every time I talk to you, I am automatically happy.
Every time you touch me, I get goosebumps on my arms.
Every time you look at me, I can’t help but wish you’d say something.
Every time you say something, I wish you would keep talking.
if i can trust
the ground beneath my feet
when there are crevices forming in the desert
like my tibia screaming for the sea
and if the tides respond
i’m not sure if i’ll trust
the sediment words they speak
washing over but never getting rid of
the tiny fissure
three quarters down my knee
that makes up this desert
For whatever reason, physics is sticking. Nights like this I don’t completely understand why. Or maybe I’m just so exhausted I can’t think the thoughts I would typically be able to think. This is probably going to sound like drunk nonsense but I don’t drink. I’m just a sleep deprived bipolar II human.
But physics. Yeah. That’s where I’m going.
I’ve latched onto the idea of quantum mechanics. And for that I’m not entirely sure why. Because if the small stuff is understood, we can then understand the big stuff? Because it just sounds/is complicated? Because I actually like it or do I just think it makes me seem smart to say I like it? Sometimes I really wonder.
You’ll be fine… Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.
By learning to allow different types of discomfort to simply stay in the room with you, without your scrambling for a button to push, you make discomfort matter less. The pool of things you’re afraid of shrinks. It becomes a lot less important to control circumstances, because you know you can handle moments of uncertainty or awkwardness or disappointment without an escape plan.
I never wanted to be one of those girls that asked, what are we? I always thought I’d be content just to be with a person. But I’ve realized, the reason those girls exist, the group which I am now a part of, is because of the uncertainty that accompanies caring.