I was around 10 or 11 when I first began to imagine the future in the sense of thinking about who I would be and what kind of things I would do. Even then, that involved being thinner. I am, at 31, not the biggest I’ve ever been, but I am definitely bigger than I was as a preteen/teenager when I couldn’t conceive of still being fat in my 30s. I am clearly fat. “Morbidly obese"even. But I’m discovering that I am, in a lot of ways, the person I hoped I’d be when I grew up. (I think tween me would be in awe of me, and that makes my heart happy.) Being the person that I am today, feeling the way I do about myself, while also being fat is (pun entirely intended) huge. I sincerely believed for a good chunk of my life that those feelings weren’t accessible to me unless/until I lost weight. I’ve done the unthinkable, and that’s such an incredible source of power. I want every other woman in the world to feel that power. #accidentalnovel #feelsqueen #unapologeticradicalselflove #vanity #mermaidism #fatgirlrevolution #wethewildflowers #365FeministSelfie #bonus #filtersasfeelings
Today I want to share something I wrote for my health blog a year or so ago. It was a first step in making peace with myself. // TO MY PAST SELF // I spend so much time harping on the bad decisions you’ve made, the mistakes, the ways you’ve treated yourself like shit without a thought to how that would affect me and our future selves. So, I want to take a moment to do something I never do. Let you know how grateful I am for all the good decisions you’ve made. For all the things you’ve done for me. For the experiences you had that have made me who I am today.
So, thank you for never fully giving up. For always finding a light and a way back.
Thank you for deciding to say fuck you to diet culture and fat shame. Thank you for listening to the voice that says you’re beautiful and amazing and worth just as you are. Even if it’s still drowned out sometimes. Thank you for ever listening to it. For ever believing. Thank you for walking topless under the Golden Gate bridge at 15. Thank you for the 1st time you ever had the nerve to kiss a girl. Thank you for conquering the 210 bridge. Thank you for teaching yourself to knit. Thank you for moving to New Orleans. Thank you for giving acting a chance. Thank you for going to movies by yourself. Thank you for starting a garden. Thank you for deciding to embrace your witchery. Thank you for conceiving of the cogs. Thank you for growing out your beard. And chronicling it. Thank you for writing, even when it’s hard. Thank you for all the chances you’ve taken. For all the exploration you’ve done. For the times you’ve put yourself out there.
I’m here today, still breathing, because of you. I love you. And I’m sorry I so often have such a hard time showing it. #pizzasisters4lyfe #junephotochallenge #peace #365FeministSelfie #bonus #unapologeticradicalselflove
Selfie Love: Flaws Edition. Because it’s important to remember that self love is for sad days, and makeup-free days, and unwashed days, and struggle days too. #pizzasisters4lyfe #junephotochallenge #selfielove #unapologeticradicalselflove
Sometimes I worry that I take too many selfies but then I remember how many years I spent unable to even stomach the sight of myself in the mirror and I’m like, “nah.” #cantstopwontstop #unapologeticradicalselflove #notofthisearth #mermaidism #pizzasisters4lyfe #wethewildflowers