The Joker x Reader - “See No Evil”
The Joker stole 10 glass vials containing an experimental new substance from The Wayne Industry Laboratories. J was moving the ampules into a new case when one was accidentally dropped and now he can’t see. The doctor said it’s a temporary side effect and it shouldn’t last more than a couple of weeks. You are so taking advantage of the situation even if you’ll pay for it later.
You steal a lot of kisses.
The Joker gets out of the shower with his eyes closed, leaning over to reach the towel.
“Muah,” you peck his lips and back out before he snatches you.
“Stop it, Kitten! It’s really annoying when I can’t see and you just…”
“Muah,” you kiss him again, not intimidated by his complaints.
“Are you serious?! Cut it out!” J steps out dripping wet and you yank the towel from his hand. “Give it back, Y/N! I’m getting mad and I…”
“Muah!” you make him shut up, kissing those soft lips again.
“This is outrageous! I’m the Joker and you just can’t…”
“Dammit, woman, this is stupid!” he takes a few hesitant steps, careful not to bump into anything. He hears you snickering and he knows you’re close. “Give me back my towel or I’ll shoot you, I swear!” J protests, irked.
“Good luck with that; I stashed everything away, you’ll never find your weapons. Hehehehe!” you giggle when he almost touches you but… you elude him.
“Come here, Kitten. NOW! I mean it! If you don’t…”
“Muah!” you steal another kiss and this time you give up, letting him catch you because you feel sorry for him: for once The King of Gotham is pretty helpless.
You start drying his hair with the towel, while he purrs, irritated at your behavior and enjoying being spoiled in the same time. You’re getting groped and pinched as revenge for the repeated offenses against The Clown Prince of Crime. Can’t whine about it since you are the first to admit you deserve it.
“There, done,” you conclude, guiding him towards the bedroom so he can put some clothes on. “What do you wanna wear today?” you ask, leaving him by the bed so you can grab the clothes from the closet.
“My Armani silver suit,” J replies, messing around with his green hair. “You’d better not trick me, I’ll know!” he threatens and you don’t care.
“Sure, whatever you say,” you snort and hear him huff.
“I would! So that better be what I asked for,” he points his finger towards you but he has the wrong direction…Poor Mister J.
“To your left baby,” you give him a hint and now he points in the right direction. The Joker opens his eyes, trying to focus his gaze on something but there is only darkness so he gives up and closes his eyes again.
“Pumpkin, hurry up,” he growls, impatient. A few days passed and he’s till blind as a bat. Yes, this is a pun but can’t share with him; probably would not appreciate it too much for the moment being.
You actually pick the dark purple Armani suit to give to him because you like it better than the silver one. Same fabric and cut, he won’t know it’s a different color.
“J, can you please open your eyes?” you plead.
“I can’t see so there’s no point,” he grouchily mumbles.
“But I like your blue eyes and I wanna see them. Comeeee onnnn, make me happy.”
The Joker mutters something you can’t understand and does as requested.
“There you are!” you cheerfully smile and go towards the balcony so you can get the blanket from the sofa.
“I’ll have you know, Doll…” J clearly has a speech in mind he wants to clear out. Yet…
“Baby, I’m over here, you’re looking in the wrong direction.”
“Huh?” he puffs, antagonized with the interruption.
“To your right…More…More…There, now you’re facing me.”
You don’t know how come he has no sense of orientation. Can’t he hear your voice?!
“I’ll have you know, Doll…What the hell was I talking about?” he stops and debates.
“I have no idea, but I’m taking you to out spot on the hill so we can enjoy the nice weather.”
“I’m not going, I have stuff to do and…”
“Muah!” you kiss him again to shut
“Dammit, cut it out!” and he doesn’t fight it too much as you haul him away. “I remembered what I wanted to tell you: quit bugging me with dumb things and don’t take advantage of my temporary lack of vision!”
“Of course, baby,” you are fast to agree.
“I’m the Joker and…”
“Muah, yes, I know,” you smirk, tired on how stubborn and feisty he is.
“Stop kissing me every 5 seconds for God’s sake!” your boyfriend snaps, tugging on your arm.
“A-ha,” you reply and sound unconvincing.
You brought food and grape soda to the little picnic and now J’s sitting on the blanket, fidgeting with his jacket. He takes it off and continues to fuss:
“When are we going back? We have to go on that heist tonight.”
“You’re not going anywhere, are you kidding me? You’re blind,” you move around so you can put the food together.
“I don’t care, I have to go. You’re coming so you can be my eyes.”
“I’m over here,” you cup his face and turn it towards you since apparently he’s addressing the tree you’re both under. “We have to postpone, it’s too dangerous. We’ll have to wait until your eyesight is back, alright?”
“This sucks!” he determines with such pathos it makes you shrivel. You know he’s frustrated; definitely not used to being like this. “It’s so dull, why am I even here?” The Joker sulks, rubbing his eyes. “I can’t even see. How’s the view?” he lets himself go on his back, staring at the sky he can’t discern.
“The view is…breathtaking,” you announce, hovering over him, not even paying attention to the landscape. He’s so handsome in that suit and green shirt.
“Well, I can’t tell so it sucks for me,” he grumbles some more, having no idea you gaze at him.
“I very much enjoy the scenery,” you reply, amused J has no clue you’re talking about him.
“Well, good for you, Princess and I
“Muah!” you lean over to kiss him since he’s sooo grumpy. But this time he kisses you back without commenting on it. “Isn’t this romantic baby?” you moan in his ear, glad you get to spend time together.
“I wouldn’t know, Doll, I can’t see crap,” J pouts.
“I’ll let you know I look very pretty today. I have a rose in my hair,” you take his hand and let him feel it, aiming to cheer him up. “Say something romantic J ,” you suddenly urge your boyfriend.
“Say you love me,” you bite on your lip, waiting.
“Is it obvious I’m rolling my eyes? Can’t really tell since I’m blind.”
You kick his knee with yours.
“Yeah, it’s obvious! Say it!” you repeat, pulling on his sleeve.
“Uhhhh…I love you.”
“Woowwww, can you put more soul into it?! You sound more enthusiastic when you order your coffee,” you affirm with a displeased grimace.
“I really love coffee, that’s why. You…Mehh,” the Joker admits, being a complete jerk since he’s a bad mood.
“Good, because I don’t love you either,” you push his hand away from your rose and start reading on your book. “I should leave you here and call the cops. Or just signal Batsy,” you bite on your cheek, flustered.
“Pffttt!” he scoffs, confident you won’t.
“Wanna eat now?” you bitterly ask, bugged by his attitude.
“No. What are you munching on?” he wants to know since he hears the repeating crunching noises.
“Pretzels, you want one?” you offer him the choice. You return to your reading and after a few seconds you realize you still hold the pretzel right in front of his face.
Duh, he can’t see.
“Here,” you feed him and he eats it, but still objects.
“You don’t have to feed me, I’m perfectly capable to…”
“Here’s another one,” you shove it in his mouth so he’ll zip it.
“I’m the Joker and…”
Even if you’re mad at him, you steal another kiss, hoping he will shut it down.
“Muah,” and before he can retaliate you resume: “Want me to order you business cards that say I’m the Joker?”
“Stop being sassy, woman, and give me another pretzel!” he grumbles in a low voice, scooting over towards you.
“Hey, baby, if you can find me you get a bonus tonight!” you playfully giggle, trying to light up the atmosphere. J’s been moping around and didn’t move from the couch since you came back from the picnic.
“What’s the bonus?” he grins, instantly interested.
“To your right J. More…more. That’s it, now you’re looking my way.”
Why is he so hopeless when it comes to this?!
“Oh, you will love it! Find me first and you’ll have the time of your life.”
“I’m not in the mood for games Y/N. Just com’ere.”
“Nope, you’ll have to find me mister Jaayyyy,” you whine in a high pitch tone.
“Kaayyyy, you’ll see what happens to you. I’m the Joker and…”
“I already ordered the business cards for you, I am sure you can use them,” you snicker, teasing him. You know he’ll take revenge but at least he’s out of that accursed apathy.
“Did you really?!” and he gets up, taking a few steps ahead and stumbles on the coffee table before you can warn him. “Goddammit!” J furiously kicks the table.
“Are you OK?”
“No, I think I twisted my ankle,” he reaches down and you rush to help.
“Jesus, baby, I’m so sor…”
“Got’cha!!” he fastly snatches you, trapping you in his arms.
“Hey, no cheating!” you try to unsuccessfully escape.
“Says who?” J purrs, fighting to unbutton your shirt with one hand and still holding you captive with the other.
“J…J…J !” you stop his fingers and want to laugh.
“S-stupid buttons!” he angrily stutters, trying harder, violently pulling on your shirt with all his strength. You try to keep his hand in place.
“J…J…stop! These buttons are just sewed to the fabric for decoration, they won’t unbutton.”
“Shit, not seeing anything sucks!” The King of Gotham has an outburst of frustration and it makes you miserable. You wish you could help him but there is nothing you can do.
You look into his blue eyes that just
can’t focus on yours and whisper:
“Why can’t you see yet?”
“I don’t know Pumpkin, it irritates me,” and you know The Joker means it.
It’s a blessing he can’t notice how worried you are because it shows all over your face; it would make things worse.
“I’m sure your vision will return shortly…yes?” you encourage him while he continues to struggle with your bra now.
“J…J…J! This bra has a front clasp.”
J stomps his foot, not knowing if it’s funny or the opposite.
“This is stupid!” he grumbles, totally fed up with his current situation. I’m the Joker and…”
“Please hold it together until we get the business cards, ok, baby?” you elbow him, hoping his attitude will change.” He frowns, then smirks and lifts you up in his arms.
“Actually that’s not a bad idea. Tell
me where, Doll.”
“Straight, left… more to your left. Stop! Right…straight…couch! You made it back to your bonus spot! Can you find what you need without seeing?”
You get dropped on the couch while J
snarls, licking his lips.
“I know exactly where everything is, I don’t need my eyes for that. I made it until now, hm?”
You smile, refusing to answer the question, pulling him on top of you:
“You definitely deserve the bonus, you got mad skills, I’m telling you.”
“Sure do,” he growls, starting to get irked by your comment so he bites your lip as revenge.
“Auch! Heeey, behave!” you sulk, biting him back.
“Told you I know where everything is,” he triumphantly brags as you take off his Batsy t-shirt.
Two more weeks pass and your boyfriend is still blind. You are starting to get really worried, especially since his mood is worsening. You actually feel sorry for both of you. You stay awake most of the nights, going on the balcony to reflect on what should happen next: should you kidnap more doctors and bring them over to one of the hideouts so they can examine J? Should you take over a clinic and transport him to the location for another eye exam?
You really don’t know how to go about it because no matter what you suggest, The Joker replies with: ”No need to; anytime now.” Why?…Who understands his logic? He’s infuriated about it himself but refuses to act.
*Another morning in Paradise
“What do you want to wear today, baby?” you happily ask, scraping the leftovers of your patience in order to maintain a positive atmosphere.
“One of my white shirts and black pants,” The Joker coldly responds.
You decide you’ll give him a purple shirt since he didn’t wear the color in about 2 days and you miss seeing it on him. You take out the hanger.
“I said white, Pumpkin, are you deaf?”
You want to put it back when it hits. You slowly turn around, dropping the shirt.
“You…you can see??!!”
J has that diabolical twinkle in his eyes and sucks on his cheeks, satisfied with himself.
“Yeah, isn’t it obvious?”
Like, you bore him so much with your inquiry.
“Since…since when?!” you keep on repeating words because you are more than baffled.
“Since yesterday morning, jeez, calm down. Why are you so worked up? I started seeing some shapes and it just got better and better.”
“And…and you didn’t bother to tell me?!” you whimper, vexed at the revelation.
“It was fun to see you struggle,” and his crazy laugh fills the room.
“Fun?!” you fight to keep the tears in, full of indignation. “Fun?! Do you know I didn’t sleep in 2 weeks, worried sick, trying to find a solution for your problem?!”
“Well, that’s your fault, Princess, not mine.”
You mouth opens and no sounds come out.
“Wha’?” J stretches, indifferent to your rant, starting to walk towards you. “Aren’t you glad I can see? Com’ere!”
“You…you…are the worst boyfriend ever,” you justly conclude, sniffling, sneaking by the wall towards the elevator.
“Thanks, I’m trying.”
“It’s not funny!” you cross your arms on your chest, outraged at the whole situation.
“Good, because I’m serious.”
You really want to be excited and go kiss him or something but your mind says no.
“Pumpkin, where are you going?” The Joker raises his voice.
“I don’t know!” you flare your hands around, upset as you can be, actually telling the truth. You want to be out of there.
“Y/N!!!” J angrily shouts when you press the button for the elevator. You refuse to give him the satisfaction of paying attention to his tantrum. You hear him slam drawers.
“Baby Doll!!!!” he screams even louder and you finally look his way.
J holds one of the vials with the experimental substance he kept hidden after selling the rest.
“Nobody leaves me!!! I tell you when you can leave, got it?!”
You get startled.
“What is that?!”
“You know what it is!!! You’re not leaving me!!!” he pants, enraged you’re not obeying and backs out on the balcony, locking the glass sliding door on his side.
“Hey, what are you doing?” You stump towards the closed door, having a bad feeling.
“You can’t leave!!!” he punches the glass, placing the ampule under his shoe.
“Wha…What are you doing?! Don’t!!! Hey, I’m not leaving, OK?”
“You’re lying, I can always tell when you lie,” The Joker taps on the glass, staring at you.
“I’m not lying, stop it! Open up!” you beg, agitated, trying to kick the door open.
“No,” he replies, surprisingly calm all of the sudden. He steps on the vial, breaking it to pieces and you watch horrified as the thin vapors crawl up his body.
“Close your eyes!!!“ you shout, imploring and he shakes his head in negation. “This is childish, stop it! Close your eyes!!!”
“Why are you doing this? You won’t see for weeks again!” you start bawling, still pounding on the glass.
“Keeping up with my worst boyfriend ever reputation,” he growls with his eyes opened despite your efforts to change his mind. “You’ll have to be my eyes again, you can’t leave.”
“For God’s sake, I was just going for a drive so I could cool down!!!” you keep on crying and he feels his eyes starting to burn. You feel so sorry for yourself having to deal with him blind again.
“Don’t care, you can’t leave me,” he smiles and slowly blinks. Your image is fading bit by bit and after a few more seconds he’s in complete blackness…again. Courtesy of his awesome boyfriend material expertise.
You got the business cards you ordered for him: one side is green, the other one purple. A laughing mouth on the front, I’m the Joker in bold letters inscribed right under. You have to describe the design to him since he can’t see.
“I can’t believe you actually ordered them,” J tilts his head, apparently displeased, holding a few in his hand.
“You can use them; you always like to say you’re The Joker so they will come in handy.”
“You’re so annoying, Y/N.”
“Muah,” you steal a kiss, stretching your optimism on new levels you didn’t think you can reach.
“Cut it out, Kitten, don’t take advantage of the situation!”
“You did it to yourself, baby, sooo…I don’t know what to tell you,” you begin loading guns because you’re bored to the max since you can’t do anything fun for a while. AGAIN. Courtesy of J’s stubbornness.
“You can’t talk to me like this, I’m the Joker and…”
“Told you those business cards will come in handy!” you are fast to interrupt.
“I swear I’m gonna kill you, Doll!” he points out in the wrong direction, what else. He truly is hopeless.
“To your right…More…More…There, now you are pointing my way.”
“I want a bonus,” he grumbles, still pointing.
“A bonus?! For what?!”
“For being the worst boyfriend ever. I think I’ve earned it.”
Wow, who can understand his logic?!
But you abandon your current project
and go sit in his lap on the armchair, glaring in his blue eyes that can’t
focus on yours. AGAIN. For a few weeks. Courtesy
of J’s great ability to take amazingly selfish decisions.
“I should really call the cops or signal Batsy,” you whisper, brushing his green hair with your fingers. “You’re a terrible boyfriend.”
“I am, here’s my business card,” he takes one out of his pocket, placing it in your cleavage after a bit of a struggle.
You silently laugh and kiss his forehead, debating on that bonus. And you decide he should have it.
Courtesy of your awesome girlfriend material skills.
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