ugly scribbles

So you are on your fourteenth shower in the last twenty-four hours and yet you feel dirty, your insecurities cling to you better than your skin and they even flow in your bloodstream. 


The word FAT refuses to go down the drain because it is too big to fit in through the hole and the word UGLY is hanging onto you by your nails, the word UNSIGHTLY is stuck in the mirror in front of you and the word LONELY just entered the bathroom. The word UNATTRACTIVE is still your closest friend because it never left, and the word PLAIN-LOOKING is the compliment you’ve ever felt

—  INSECURITIES SCREAM EVEN LOUDER IN SILENCE // JustScribbledWords
4

Bullying was a big part of my life, especially on weight and size, so I made Starlight carry this back story which creates her semi-bad phase of getting in trouble for probably fighting back, as I did. One thing I wish I had was a Trixie to help me through those times. Startrix are childhood friends and they promised to be together forever. *pokemon music starts playing* OH GOD THAT’LL BE THEIR SONG FUCK IT

If you couldn’t already tell, Startrix will be the angsty couple of this college au

“You don’t want me to decrease the length, right?”
She asks me while looking at me in the mirror.

I shake my head, “Cut as much as you’d like” I reply.

And so she cuts off about 5 inches of my dark locks and I don’t feel a thing.
I never felt attached to my hair as much as others did.
To me they were just a part of me.

When my mother sees my new hairdo, she gasps, turns away from me, looks back at me again as if trying to ward off a nightmare.
“Your hair were the only beautiful thing about you! Why would you do that? Why would you cut them so short? Are you insane? You look so ugly.”

And in that moment I knew why I let the hairdresser cut them so short. I needed to know whether a part of me was more beautiful than all of me. And yes a part of me has always been more beautiful than whole of me, maybe that’s why I have been trying to lose some(a lot) of me.

“You don’t want me to decrease the length, right?”
She asks me while looking at me in the mirror.

I shake my head, “Cut as much as you’d like” I reply.

And so she cuts off about 5 inches of my dark locks and I don’t feel a thing.
I never felt attached to my hair as much as others did.
To me they were just a part of me.

When my mother sees my new hairdo, she gasps, turns away from me, looks back at me again as if trying to ward off a nightmare.
“Your hair were the only beautiful thing about you! Why would you do that? Why would you cut them so short? Are you insane? You look so ugly.”

And in that moment I knew why I let the hairdresser cut them so short. I needed to know whether a part of me was more beautiful than all of me. And yes a part of me has always been more beautiful than whole of me, maybe that’s why I have been trying to lose some(a lot) of me.

I know how I look
I know I am fat
I know I am ugly
I have accepted it
Most days I am okay with it
I can bear it
But when someone uses it as a means to describe me as a person
Or when they see me for the first time in years, the first thing they say is how fat I am
Or how ugly I am
Or sometimes(most of the times) both
When they tell me that if I don’t do something about it
I won’t find anyone to like me
To love me
That everyone will be disgusted by me
That’s the time when I am not okay with it
Why does the way I look discredit everything else about me
Why does that discredit my being
I know I am fat and ugly, I know they are speaking the truth
But when they state it as an insult
Is the time that makes me wish I wasn’t what I am
It makes me wish I wasn’t even there
It makes me wish that it be better if I was dead
Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt
Maybe then it wouldn’t matter

@gemsona-hq‘s “Diamond Blues” prompt; Labradorite only fell under Blue Diamond’s wave of sorrow once– on Earth, when Blue first found out of Pink’s death…the wave was so powerful and far-reaching that a few gems, Lab included, even poofed from the intense emotion.