ugh-this-friendship

Hearing People Just Don't Get It.

I really need to vent right now.  Like, I need to lay all my thoughts and emotions out there without receiving any judgment in return.  It sucks that I have no deaf and Hard of Hearing friends outside of Tumblr that I can talk to, but at this point, I don’t care.  I need this.

I was asked to attend a get together with the people I filmed with a couple of months ago about living in poverty.  Being that I closed at my job last night and had to open this morning and stayed later, I was tired and didn’t feel like going.  They wanted me to.  So I went.  And I stood in the back of the room while everyone was at the table watching clips of our performance and offering feedback and I was utterly bored.  Why?  Because I couldn’t hear or understand anything.  I kept thinking, “How could I have done a piece about a poor, DEAF kid and none of these people understand that I’m deaf and cannot function in this environment?"  I was reminded of every other social interaction I’ve ever had in my life that involves me sitting or standing there grasping at straws and walking away exhausted.  I felt disconnected.  I tuned out.  I screamed internally.  I longed to be far away. 

If hearing people understood how much we miss, they’d be baffled.  They’d ask, "How the hell do you even manage?"  Driving home I realized just how much I truly miss and I’m now overcome with dread and despair.  I miss so much from my life.  I’ve never felt truly engaged or connected to anything or anyone because I’m always getting fragments instead of the whole thing.  I can literally sit at a table with people talking to each other and walk away only having grasped about twenty percent of the intermittent conversations.  Meanwhile, everyone else gets to walk away with a clear picture and vivid memories of a wonderful time that’s only chaotic and distorted to me.  I never feel satisfied or locked into anything.  I can say, "Huh?” and people laugh because they think I’m being silly.  I’m not.  I literally did not understand you.  I don’t understand anything.  I can’t understand the morning huddles at my job.  I don’t understand the videos they play during store meetings.  I don’t understand people at bars or parties or get togethers in my own apartment.  And I feel like no matter how many discussions I have about being hard of hearing, people still don’t fucking get it.

I honestly don’t know what to do.  I’m just tired.  I want Deaf and HOH friends.  I want to date someone who is HOH or if I fall for a hearing person I want that person to become accustomed to my difficulties and love me patiently.  I don’t want to do any more projects with hearing people; I want to film, write, and perform with DEAF people.  Fuck.  I want deaf friends to come over and play video games and philosophize and talk to each other in turn because we just frigging get it

Okay, rant over.  To anyone reading this, thank you so much.

TRF is honestly so unbelievable

like everything about it

you know john fancies sherlock, one way or another

but in trf, that’s where their friendship is truly tested

and the way John feels so afraid for Sherlock’s reputation

the way John looks so disgusted at Donovan and the Superintendent for the things they say about Sherlock

the way John feared himself for possibly falling for Moriarty’s tricks, for almost doubting Sherlock

the way John looked when he saw Sherlock up on the roof

the way John pleaded

all these little things speak more volumes than any meta or any casual “i love you”s can ever prove

actions speak louder than words

and all of John’s actions, reactions, gestures, expressions says it all

and it makes me wanna cry

Bronies

Okay so this is a can of fuckin worms I’m opening here, but fuck those worms, I got shit to say about my formerly favorite fandom


fuck you guys


no seriously fuck you guys, i joined this fandom back when it first began and holy shit i swear to god it was the nicest group of people i ever had the pleasure of associating myself with

they were all kind and accepting and beyond one or two assholes it was mostly a calm and happy place with everyone understanding “we are the peripherary demographic, it should not cater to us but we still enjoy”

because duh

and sure the show made references to bronies, usually subtle background events or having derpy speak which were cool little tidbits that were cool but we didn’t NEED them


but something changed after a while

the once accepting and loving community became spiteful, sexist, homophobic despite previously welcoming feminimity with open arms (im talking about the guys in the fandom). And I was in denial for a while despite seeing a lot of evidence to the contrary. I shrugged it off as just being one of those few assholes every fandom has. But I kept seeing more and more.


So I won’t be calling myself a brony anymore.

I didn’t want to admit one of the fandoms actually made me a better person i like to think had turned into a den filled with dudebros with trilby’s (yeah they think they’re wearing fedoras, theyre actually trilby’s tell them that it wil piss em off) 

because it used to be so nice.

i saw the bronies as a place where men could get into and show there like for feminine things without worrying what society thinks. and it was. and i loved it, i always liked feminine things jyust a little more then masculine things. of course the fact you have to differentiate the two is stupid but thats just how i am.


and then it changed.

I’ll still watch the show and enjoy the fan content (so long as it’s not something like molestia, ew) like the music, the fan animations that come from it, as those are usually from the part of the fandom that IS still nice… for the most part. But I will not be calling myself brony again any time soon.


Thanks assholes for ruining such a wonderful community, learn to respect women when your watching a show about talking magical multicolored horses.

i’m so proud of the people i call friends i mean like they get out of bed every morning and they face a (frankly) shitty world and they find ways to be happy and enjoy life aND HOLY FUCK I COULD CRY I’M SO FUCKING PROUD YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND YOU’RE STILL HERE

i get to see Prince Charming sometime after I get my tattoo on the 6th. I’m going to be practically a new human when I see him. New hair color, new tattoo, new found confidence. Still terrified to ask him out.

Are we even friends?

There is this guy in my gaming circle who is really close with almost everyone else we game with (including the two guys I live with), as he has been friends with them for years before I ever was. I have known him for a little longer than two years. Six months ago he started dating another good friend of mine.

It seems like every single thing I say around him is taken the wrong way, by both him and the rest of our friends. We never got off on the right foot. We had a couple of arguments about a year ago and suddenly it became hilarious to pit us against each other. In these stupid battles we keep getting into, I regularly feel like most of my friends are on his side in the matter, even when I know they are just stoking the fire. He regularly threatens me jokingly in my own home, which draws laughs from others, but when I have returned with the same words verbatim, the same people who had been laughing shut me down hard. It feels like he has more power in my home than I do.

He also seems to have problems with me that he is okay stating, but isn’t okay with saying about others. Example: makes regular comments about me checking my phone while playing an RPG, while completely neglecting to mention the guy who spends the entire session on his computer. It doesn’t help that he has very little power in our friend group. He is a lost puppy following every direction from one of the guys we’re friends with,and he is super non-confrontational with basically everyone else. He even has taken the arguments he won’t have with his girlfriend to me, because he is more comfortable arguing against her position with me (where he can just say that disagreeing with him makes no sense), then daring to disagree with her on anything she finds important. 

I have talked to him privately and publicly about how this entire ordeal is tiresome and bothers me, which was met with incredulity and denial of there being a problem, from both him and others. I am so bloody sick of dealing with him, and wish someone other than me had a problem with him. Ugh.

Ok so friendship is basically like a marriage: if you’re trying so hard to save it but the other person doesn’t give a shit, it’s not going to work out so should I even keep wasting my time?

Graduation is in five days and I had to make a poem for my English final with the theme “Years 13-18″. I bullshitted this at 2 AM but here’s a poem in honor of high school and the friends I made.

                                                   Friendship

These friends I seek, these bonds that bleed
Here is a new start for those once scorned
Everyday is another adventure
Several times a day we seek disaster
Even with the restrictions of school, we live.

Far be it that I restrict the actions of others
Rinse and repeat, my peers wander through life listlessly
Ideas of freedom always near but never expressed
Entreat upon them slowly like an ivy grasp
Never understanding what it means to truly live
Drowning in these expectations that they put upon themselves
So quick to judge, so quick to hang.

Indeterminate and merely an ideal.

Sometimes I wish to throttle them out of their dazes
Ease up a bit and perhaps life can be beautiful
Errant advice that seems to fly right over their heads
Killing any hope I have of their enlightenment.

Then came the teenage years
Hope bloomed yet again as I wished to find a companion
Eventually I did and I met many more
Sacred, these bonds we have
Even in the face of challenges and arguments.

Broken yet not shattered
Onwards we march towards a better future
Never dwelling on past regrets and grudges
Decisions made based only on a gut feeling
Sometimes reckless, mostly cautious.

Tick tock, time seems to scream
Hunched over, wishing for it to freeze
Always leaving, always left behind
These hard earned friendships, stilled, with time

Building a new life on the memories of an old one
Letting myself move on and leave the past behind
Eating, consuming, inhaling these last moments I have
Eventually we all have to grow up and live, time machines can’t save us
Dazzle me with these bonds, we shall remain together in memories.