Dear anyone who is reading this,
I’ve….been contemplating this one for a good while now. I beganwriting this at 8:30 pm on February 11th, 2015.
I should probably introduce myself for anyone who doesn’t knowme. My name is Zander Nicholas Mahaffey (at birth, Sandra Nicole.) I am a boy, even if the word doesn’t see me as one. But I know in my heart I am a boy. I’m 15 years old, I love the internet, I’m an anime weeb, I love video games too. I dislike math a lot, I love to read and draw and sing. My favorite drink is Coca Cola and my favorite foods are crème puffs. I’m short (5'2) and I hate that. My favorite anime is Katekyo Hitman Reborn! And my favorite video game is The World Ends With You. I live in the state of Georgia, in a metro-Atlanta city called Austell. Right next to a hospital. The phone reception is terrible here. I’m a panromantic-asexual and yeah I think that’s an okay introduction.
I don’t know why I’m writing this now, it just feels like a good time. I’ve kept holding off from doing this since it’s probably gonna be long. It’s surreal right? And if I publish this (or don’t delete it from my queue, I should say) then that means I’m dead. Most likely medication overdose, that’s the main way I’ve thought of. Ugh. Xanax tastes so disgusting, honestly. But you know, when everything is calm and you want to be dead I guess taste doesn’t really matter. Man it is going to suck ass if I end up surviving. I would have had to taste all that nasty ass medicine for nothing. Either way I guess I should write why I wanted to be dead in the first place.
I..I just wanted to escape. An okay amount of my friends know I have issues with my mother, at least heard me complain about her a good bit of times. A few know what really is going on.
My mother is physically disabled. She has seizures and strokes and a hurt ankle and a bad knee and she is morbidly obese, the list goes on. She has anxiety. In fact she takes xanax for the anxiety. That’s where I got it from. I’m sure she can just get more.
But even with her disabilities….she hurts me. Not physically, no she doesn’t have the capability to do that. But emotionally and mentally. I try, I try so hard sometimes. I’m not a perfect human, okk??? I MAKE MISTAKES. A lot of mistakes. And I get yelled at. I get yelled at and it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad for your “mom” to tell you she’s going to kill herself over her cheating ex boyfriend. It hurts so much for her to accuse you of doing sexual things to people for money. It hurts so much for her to accuse you of stealing money from her, only to find out she had just misplaced it and doesn’t even apologize. It hurts so much to have a panic attack and her say “stop acting retarded”. It hurts so much for her to mention the man that raped you, even though she knows it makes you angry and sad. It hurts so much for her to yell at you till you cry, for you to be sobbing, tears pouring down your face, and then ask you why are you crying. MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME, THEN.
It hurts so much to hate your mother. It hurts so much for your mother to act so two faced. It hurts for you to actually have a nice time, to talk and smile and laugh together, and then it all does back to hell, and the illusion shatters, and you remember about all the horrible things she still does. It hurts to not know what it’s like to have a “mommy”, to know what a mothers love is, to feel cared for by a maternal figure.
To my mother, one of us was gonna die and I guess it is gonna be me. I hope you’re life from here on is MISERABLE. I hope you realize how MUCH YOU NEEDED ME AND TREATED ME LIKE GARBAGE. I want you to BEG FOR ME TO COME BACK, FOR MY FORGIVENESS. But I won’t. I want you dead. I wanted you to DIE FOR SO LONG, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATED THAT?? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOU ARE MY MOM!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, NOT MAKE ME KILL MYSELF!!!!!! You’re a two faced pathetic excuse for a parent. You may be my mother but you are not my mom. I certainly won’t miss you. Goodbye forever, you abusive piece of shit.
I guess that’s why I love my friends so much. To anyone who has been motherly to me, or dubbed themselves “my mom”. That means so much. Because I don’t know what that is like.
But I miss her. I miss my mommy. I miss the woman in the baby photographs I see of me and her together. It sounds selfish. I miss the mommy who starved herself for almost 2 weeks because we were so poor she didn’t have enough money for us to both eat. I miss her. I don’t know what happened. Or where that lady went. But I’ve just prayed, and prayed for her to come back and she never did. I just wanted my momma back.
I can’t blame all of my problems on her. A good bit of my anger and resentment comes from my rapist. Some of it comes from my “aunt” Twalia. She isn’t really my aunt but her and my mother are good friends and her and her two kids live with us. Twalia helps me with my mother and with our apartment, and for that I am thankful for.
But what I am not thankful for is her poor treatment of everyone in this household. Twalia also yells. It isn’t as bad as my mother, no only my mother can make me feel the worse but Twalia has come pretty close. She’s about as two faced as my mother. She makes horrible racist comments about the black people who live in my apartment complex. She is ableist, she calls her two mentally disabled children, Jennifer (19) and Charles (12) retarded, threatens to put them on medication. It’s terrible.
She has never laid a hand on me before. She better be glad she didn’t. I would love for an excuse to knock the rest of her teeth out. She is abusive to her children and me, and I wish she never came to live with us..
And her children, oh god her kids. They are possibly the most annoying brats on the face of the planet and I cannot stand them. Charles especially. I wish we never introduced him to the internet, he used to be such a good kid but not anymore. He’s an arrogant, homophobic, spoiled little brat who I wanna kick into a wall. Yeah, I would kick a 12 year old into a wall? Problematic? Maybe. I don’t give a damn. Besides, if you’re reading this I’M ALREADY DEAD WHAT USE IS IT. I get mad and he pisses me off. As for Jen well… she’s just annoying. But she get’s the short end of the stick between her and her brother and I try to stand up for her as much as I see fit (even though she doesn’t appreciate it. Or she’s never seemed like it.) Twalia, fuck you. You’re as a terrible a mother as my own and you don’t deserve the children you have. Jen, I don’t know what to say, you’re annoying as hell to me but I’ll probably miss you a bit. Charles, fuck off you little shithead. I can’t stand you and I hope you get put in your place one day.
That’s another thing, appreciation. Sure my mother will say “please” and “thank you” every once in a while but it isn’t enough. It isn’t. She would literally DIE without me. She wouldn’t be able to function without people taking care of her. But is she thankful??? Is she thankful that I have given up my childhood for her??? That I had to take on all these responsibilities??? She doesn’t seem like it. “Oh, when I was your age, I was running an entire household” Great mom. That’s you. That isn’t me. The only one who ever seems to appreciate me is my grandmother.
Out of my entire family I love her the most. She’s a kick-ass grandma for one thing, she’s survived breast cancer (even though she lost one of her breasts..) for what? 22 years? She don’t take no shit from anybody. When I hug her, the combination of her laundry detergent and the perfume she wears makes me so happy, I love hugging her and smelling her (she smells good ok?). And she loves Harry Potter. That’s freaking A+. I’m going to miss her a lot. Meme, if you’re reading this, I love you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t fight this one out, but I love you and always will.
Other family okay….My dad. I love him…he’s…a bit annoying sometimes..He is also kind of an airhead, but he’s my dad. The amount of time’s I’ve wished I could live with him instead of my mom is plenty. Dad, I’m sorry but your “little girl” isn’t a little girl. I’m a boy, in my heart. And no, that doesn’t mean I want to play football. Also ask mother about John Hubbard. The truth about what he did to me. My mother never told him, or my Pepaw (grandad), or my Memaw (other grandmother). I don’t think that was right. He’s my dad, he has a right to know. Oh and for Memaw and Pepaw, I’m sorry that it turned out this way, I love you both. (Even though you, Pepaw are a racist, bigoted piece of shit and Memaw?? You didn’t really help much, sorry.) I’ll miss you guys too.
To my older half sister, Ashley, and Matthew as well. I’m sorry. Ashley, this may come as a shock to you, but our mother is a terrible person, to me at least. Be thankful she gave you up, be thankful you grew up loved and cared for. It’s a shame really. How much I envied you and despised you because you were able to escape life with our mother. I hated you, I hated that you got to have a nice, happy life with your adopted parents while I had to stay here and suffer. But I know that it was a dumb hatred, I see that now, I can’t blame you for being adopted. That just isn’t fair. I’m sorry I was wrong about you. I love you, and I’ll miss you.
To my brother, CJ. I can only hope I’m going to meet you. I was wrong about you as well. I resented you. I hated it, I felt abandoned by you. I felt like my big brother just left me to suffer with our mother. But you were a baby, you couldn’t stop from rolling on your side and suffocating in your crib. You had no control. I’m sorry, I love you, and I hope we can meet for the first time.
To Alyssa. Alyssa Handy. I have no idea where you are now, I haven’t seen you in 5 years. You probably will never get this message, but I couldn’t go on without thanking you. In 5th grade, when I was wheelchair bound, you were always there for me. You pushed me around, ate lunch with me, helped me to the bathroom, and best of all, you didn’t change how you acted towards me once I was in the wheelchair. You never pitied me (not to my knowledge) and you were my first real best friend I ever had. I know we had our scuffles but I will never forget everything you did for me, ever. I still think about your kindness even now. I’ll miss you.
To Ziazani, who I don’t even know if you’re going to get this message or not. You were the first person I ever dated. I’m sorry I stopped talking to you after we broke up, I would feel guilty every time that I did. I was a terrible significant other, and I’m sorry I could never reciprocate your feelings for me. I know this may not fix it, but I’m sorry. I’ll miss you.
To Hector/King/Viridi, my first true crush (that I got to date anyway). Being in boyfriends with you made me so happy. I finally felt what it was to be on cloud nine. When you broke up with me, it hurt so bad. I know I shrugged it off, but I cried all that night and the night after that and the night after that and was sad for a good week. Then you started dating someone else and I resented you for that, because I still had feelings for you and I was bitter and angry to see you happy with someone who wasn’t me. But I finally realized it was just childish, and I needed to let you go, and I forgave. There’s no use in being bitter and angry. So I’m glad, I’m glad that we could stay friends, you are a really good friend. I loved you, and I still care about you a lot even now, and I’ll miss you.
To Aggie, the my current girlfriend and love of my life. I love you. I will never stop loving you. You make me so happy, so please don’t be too sad for long, sadness won’t bring me back and there’s no point anymore. I’m sorry, please don’t feel inadequate. Don’t feel like you failed me, you couldn’t “cure” me, you didn’t have the power to get me out of this house. You did make me laugh, and I felt like I had a reason to live. But I’m weak, I’m battered and bruised and I’m tired of fighting. It’s not your fault, I never really told you what was going on (not because I didn’t trust you) but because I didn’t feel like I was worth worrying over. I’m sorry Aggie, I love you, and if all goes well, I’ll watch over you and be your guardian angel. Guess we are really Narancia and Fugo, eh? I’ll miss you, so much.
To my home girl Gabbi and home girl Katie. My best friends. My aromates, moirails, platonic soul mates, whatever you want. I love you two so much you don’t understand. I could sit here and write about how much I love you but that would take too long and my fingers are getting tired from typing this. Don’t feel like failures because of this. I was in the wrong. You both told me everything, but I would hide and wear a mask and pretend I was ok. I had to be strong for you both. But I can’t be strong anymore. I can’t. I’m too worn out, if anyone if the failure, it’s me. I know we had plans to all live together and be happy and away from our families. But I just couldn’t do that. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry I never told you guys how I really felt. I’m so sorry. I love you two both till the world ends, and I’m not going to stop. I love you till time ends. I will miss you both so much.
I want to ask of you both (especially you, Gabby) is to make sure if there are any memorials for me I want you both to make sure my right name and pronouns are used. And I want you both to explain exactly why I killed myself. What my mother did, and I want her retribution. I want her to know she murdered her son. I want her to know that she is the reason I’m dead.
To all my friends on the internet, my Dangan Ronpa buddies, Lena, Hime (Love), Saku, Wednesday, Kari, Peeps, Nick, Cake, Toree, Bunni, Taelyn, I could never ask for better voice acting friends, I’ll miss you. My MMD/Vocaloid crew, Haru, Jomo, Walter, Taku, Izzy, Angeki, Simone, even though I suck at modeling you guys always made my day. To Ari, I’ve known you for a long time, since I started being on the internet. You mean so much to me, I’m sorry, I’ll miss you. To the (late, kinda) Meme Team, Zumi, Summer, Mitch, Morgan (formerly), Pixel, Rachel, Alex, Sam, Shae, Luke and Everyone else in the pedal group, being with you guys made my days so happy. I’m so sorry, I’ll miss you all.
To all my real life friends, To Jacob and Bella and Chris and Gus and Shelly and everyone else. To my teachers, to everyone. I’ll miss you.
Wow, five pages long. Almost 3,000 words. See I told you this would get long. I’ve never written anything for school that fast. Oh well. I suppose someone has read all this. I don’t know what to say now really. But…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, that I gave up. But I just couldn’t, I couldn’t take it anymore. I am a hypocrite, I’ve talked many of people out of suicide before but yet here I am. Or, here I was.
I’m not noble, I’m not really trying to make this mean something huge. I’m just a coward who wanted to cut my strings and be free from my troubles. Here marks the end of Zander, a meme enthusiast and, friend? I guess.
I can’t say I’m not a little bit afraid of dying, but we all are. It’s the fear of the unknown. Perhaps there is another world waiting for me, perhaps I will be reborn into something, or maybe I’ll just stop existing. Maybe I would be a ghost that would be cool don’t you think? I have no clue, like with everything else in my life I’ll just wing it.
So this is the end? I’m over 3,000 words now. Time will go on, hopefully no one will be too bothered from me for too long. Just continue as you normally would be, that is what I want.
I’m selfish, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I only think about myself in this situation. I know there’s going to be people hurt and devastated by this. And I’m so, so, sorry about that. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so tired, I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep.
XOXO Goodbye to everyone,
Zander Nicholas Mahaffey