ugh no well i hope you all hate me as much as i hate me right now

Okay I thought of something and it made me emo so I wanted to share it with you guys too so we can be emo together (that’s what skamily is for) 

You remember this? (well of course you do) 

well this clip just made me realise that this, everything Even is telling Isak that will happen isn’t just something that he thinks will happen because he is depressed. He believes it, because it’s happened before. It has happened with his friends whom he loved so much. 

We don’t know what happened but it is something so bad that not only hurt balloon squad but made Even think they hate him, made Even hate himself and that’s why he was so sure he would always be alone before Isak. Why he thought all he did was ruin things. Because he has before. He has lost everything before. and now it’s threatening to come back and haunt him and he is flipping terrified that whatever he did that was so bad to lose all the people he loves and trust, will take away the one person he loves and trusts now.


This clip broke my heart, because this face? it reminds me of the clip above. All the shame, self-hate, resentment at whatever led to him losing his friends. This face shows just how much he still truly believes that he hurt all his friends enough for them to hate him. He believes it so much that he continues to hate himself for everything he can’t change. He is so ashamed, so terrified of everything that went down with bakka and his closest friends to come back and destroy everything he has built between him and that incident. ugh it’s just. I feel like this clip and this entire storyline is so damn important because it’s proving that everything we saw with Even at the end of s3 hasn’t gone away just because Isak loves him. 

His self hate? the pain, this belief that he doesn’t deserve anyone because he just hurts them and ruins everything? ah god it’s still there and it always will be until he faces everything that created it. And so the bakka storyline is coming up to maybe hopefully push Even in the right direction of healing and finally self love and acceptance because that is what skam is about. 

dealing with everything you are ashamed of about yourself and finding love and acceptance within yourself. For Even that is no longer being ashamed of his past and his illness but accepting that it is a part of him and his story and he is even more strong, beautiful and compassionate because of it. He shouldn’t hate himself for things out of his control, and he shouldn’t be terrified of losing people he loves because of it. He is kind, smart, beautiful, and loved. his illness doesn’t define him. This is everything I wanted from an Even season, and just maybe we’re gonna get it. 

just maybe we’re gonna get to watch someone teach us how to love and accept ourselves again. 

I hope so

Also the fact that he asked about the boys made me want to cry because he so clearly misses them so much and he said it in such a,….sad way? I just I can’t. 

Especially when the boys reaction to Even’s name was this

I just… I want to protect my baby and take away his pain and worries. He still thinks that he is capable of hurting and losing Isak and I truly feel like those feelings are connected to the Balloon squad, who are connected to Sana who is our beautiful main. And that is how we are going to get Even’s self acceptance story after all. 

I’m sorry I told you this was emo. 

The Night She Took (My Breath Away) SMUT (NSFW 18+)

A/N: Hi guys. I have no idea where is came from but here it is. The titles is from this song I Don’t Know Her Name by Bad Boy Blue and I think the lyrics are perfect for this song. Also, idfc by Blackbear helped me with the smut. Thank you thank you thank you to @writing-obrien for helping with this. She’s such a lifesaver, She’s always there to jump in and take over.

Warning: SMUTTT, Slight alcohol abuse(I mean their drunk so), mentions for drugs

Word Count: 5482

Originally posted by teenwolf--imagines

Keep reading

New Writing Prompts
  • “How did you lose it?”
  • “What are you listening to?”
  • “What’s your favorite color?”
  • “Well, that’s pretty rude of you to say.”
  • “You’re making me blush.”
  • “Are you flirting with me?”
  • “It’s lonely here without you.”
  • “I can’t stand the thought of a life without you in it.”
  • “Just kiss me already.”
  • “We’d make a cute couple.”
  • “I want to take care of you.”
  • “Can we cuddle?”
  • “I need a hug.”
  • “You’re special to me.”
  • “You’re awful but you’re mine.”
  • “You’re cute when you’re angry.”
  • “I’ve liked you for a while now.”
  • “Will you marry me?”
  • “Dance with me!”
  • “So that’s it? It’s over?”
  • “Thanks for nothing.”
  • “Are you upset with me?”
  • “You’re a monster.”
  • “We can’t keep this up forever.”
  • “I don’t need you anymore.”
  • “Why do you hate me?”
  • “I thought you loved me.”
  • “You put us both in danger.”
  • "I don’t understand you.”
  • "This is gonna hurt.”
  • "I don’t really care what you think.”
  • "I can’t do that.”
  • “This is completely different.”
  • "I went easy on you.”
  • “You’re lucky to be alive right now.”
  • “Do you think you could teach me?” 
  • “What could go wrong?”
  • “I didn’t push you…the wind pushed you. ”
  • “Well, if that’s really what you want.”
  • “Listen, I really don’t like you, but you have kittens so I’m going to be over a lot.”
  • “I see you there all the time.”
  • “That’s not a good sign.”
  • “I had to see you again.”
  • “What are you afraid of?”
  • “Come over here and make me.”
  • “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
  • “Stop interrupting me!”
  • “I came to say goodbye.”
  • “Isn’t this amazing?”
  • “Catch me if you can!”
  • “It’s just your imagination.”
  • “I can take care of myself just fine.”
  • “Just shut up and kiss me.”
  • “How long do we have?”
  • “Am I ever going to see you again?”
  • “You make me feel invincible.”
  • “Leave me alone.”
  • “You need to leave.”
  • “I hate how much I love you.”
  • “That’s starting to get annoying.”
  • “How did you find me?”
  • “I don’t want to talk about it.”
  • “You can’t just sit there all day.”
  • “I’ve liked you for a while now.”
  • “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
  • “I wasn’t going to wait around forever.”
  • “You deserve better than me.”
  • “Could you be happy here, with me?”
  • “Do you wish things had happened differently?”
  • “The world revolves around the sun, but my world revolves around you.”
  • “Enough with the mind games!”
  • “Promise me you’ll stay safe?”
  • “Did you just freaking boop me?!”
  • “You will always be my everything.”
  • “Catch me!”
  • “That’s the first time I’ve died in a while. Guess I was overdue.”
  • “I love you. I hope you know that.”
  • “I bought this because I thought you’d like it.”
  • “I just feel safe with you. Like nothing bad can happen.”
  • “I don’t like when you say things like that. To me, you’re perfect.”
  • “I like it when you say my name.”
  • “I love kissing you.”
  • “I’m just glad you’re safe. I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you.”
  • “You’re so beautiful.”
  • “I’m really lucky to have you.”
  • “Don’t tell me not to worry, because I’m going to do that anyway.”
  • “I made you some breakfast.”
  • “If you’re so cold, why didn’t you say something? Come here.”
  • “I guess time flies when you’re with somebody you love.”
  • “No, I don’t want to say goodbye. Not now.”
  • “I think I might be better off without you.”
  • “Don’t tell me what to do.”
  • “I don’t want to do this without you.”
  • “Stop yelling and listen for a second.”
  • “I just want you to be safe. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”
  • “Please, just…be safe. Come back to me.”
  • “I’m so, so sorry.”
  • “Don’t say that. You’re going to be okay.”
  • “Please don’t leave.”
  • “Why would you think something like that?”
  • “I thought I’d never see you again.”
  • “You can’t just leave like this.”
  • “I missed you so much.”
  • “Like what you see?”
  • “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”
  • “Try to stay quiet, understand?”
  • “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”
  • “Don’t be so rough. There can’t be any marks.”
  • “I like it when you say my name like that.”
  • “I really don’t care. You still look hot and I’m trying not to kiss you senseless right now.”
  • “I asked for a helpful opinion, not…whatever that was.”
  • “I was trying my hardest to mind my own business, but you’ve really done it now. I have to know.”
  • “Disappointment comes in many shapes and size, you know? Mine comes in the shape of you!”
  • “I can’t believe you’re making me do this. It’s humiliating.”
  • “People see your scowl and run for the hills. I can’t have this when my guests come over.”
  • “Some of this was found in the ship, the other half found in a cave. Aliens? Confirmed.”
  • “Maybe this place wasn’t as haunted as people claimed it to be…wait, what was that?”
  • “None of this is going to matter when I can change the outcome.”
  • “Let’s leave this to the professionals, because we most definitely are not.”
  • “It’s incredibly hot out, so why am I still cold? Ugh.”
  • “Something about this is fishy, but I can’t put my finger on what.”
  • “This disappointment on my face is for you.”
  • “It’s a good day when I don’t have to see you before six thirty in the morning.”
  • “Isn’t that what friends do? Look out for each other? So that’s what I’m doing.”
  • “My ‘good enough’ barely scratches their ‘this is how things should be’.”
  • “Taking things for granted is what I do, apparently.”
  • “I’m not proud of my actions, hence the change. I don’t think there’s anything bad about that.”
  • “Oh come on, you can’t chase something that doesn’t exist.”
  • “I have yet to have an opportunity to say ‘I told you so’, but if I hang around long enough, I know I will.”
  • “I know about three people in this world and I trust none.”
  • “Something tells me this nightmare isn’t over. Not yet.”
  • “I wanted to show you how genuine I am about this.”
  • “I cannot convey to you how much you irritate me on a good day, let alone a bad one.”
  • “All of you are to blame for this, but I can’t say I’m surprised.”
  • “The last person I’m going to listen to is you, if I’m being truthful.”
  • “Must you be so quick to judge?”
  • “Hey, nerd! Go kick their butt.”
  • “You are loved.”
  • “Morning, lovely. I see you got out of bed. I’m proud of you.”
  • “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you happy.”
  • “Someone, someday, is going to write a sappy poem about you. And even though it’s super cliche, you will love it to pieces. You’re so adorable.”
  • “I hope you have a wonderful day.”
  • “You are your worst criticizer, seriously, all those things you’re worried about, they are absolutely fine.”
  • “Keep going, love.”
  • “Look at you, you’re amazing.”
  • “It’s okay, you’re allowed to cry, just let it all out.”
  • “You’re strong and I care about you.”
  • “I love and support you.”
  • "You’re numb. You’re tired. You can’t seem to do anything. You want to give up. Well, I’m here to say, please. Just one more push, just one shower, one tiny task, one more day of looking after yourself. It’s hard, but I’ll be here on the other end, I’ll be there when you close your eyes tonight and you picture me, with the biggest smile on my face. One more, for me, for you.”
  • “A woman has needs, sir. And right now I very much need to break every bone in your body.”
  • "Did you fall out of love?”
  • “I knew it was a mistake from the beginning.”
  • “I can’t talk to you anymore. Goodbye.”
  • “I’ll be gone by Tuesday. Can’t keep them waiting forever, can I?”
  • “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you then.”
  • “Please don’t let go. I don’t want to be alone yet. Just hang on a little longer.”
  • “I don’t wanna die yet! Please! I don’t wanna die!”
  • “I have so much I need to say, please, let me stay long enough to speak, please.”
  • “Just let me go already. I have nothing left in this life. Let me move on.”
  • “I can’t feel it. It’s just gone, like it was never there.”
  • “I want to run again, please. I don’t care, just let me run!”
  • “You let her die because you were a coward, you don’t deserve my pity just because you feel guilty.”
  • “I don’t want them to see me like this. I can’t let them.”
  • “You can’t just give up. Please, please they need you. I need you.”
  • “Just stop…please. It’s not going to work.”
  • “This can’t be happening. I just…I just started! It’s not fair.”
  • “You’re just going to let her die?”
  • “You’re pathetic. A parasite. If anything, you’re the predator, not prey.”
  • “I’d do anything for you but would you do the same for me?”
  • “I don’t know, and I’m sorry but that’s not the kind of person I am.”
  • “Look, I don’t mind taking sketchy jobs. What I mind is being lied to about whether these jobs are sketchy.”
  • “I’d say I’m doing this because I’ve lost control of my life, but let’s be honest: I never had a handle on anything.”
  • “There are worse people to be stuck here with, I suppose, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.”
  • “As fascinating as this is, I have other things I’d rather be doing. Like sleeping.”
  • “I’m too cute to stay mad at. Wouldn’t you agree?”
  • “This isn’t the endgame I dreamed of. So disappointing.”
  • “I can’t imagine that this is what we were supposed to do. It seems too easy.”
  • “The struggle I’m experiencing is not being able to find the right color. It’s so frustrating.”
How to become a good student (again) 3: Yearn for friendship - not worship; not debasement

Hello, fellow ex-good student!

‘tis done! This beast just got longer and longer, so I decided to cut it down a bit for the sake of readability. But let me know if there’s something that was too vague - the nuance might have got lost in the editing process.

Alright, let’s get down to business (to defeat! The Huns!)! So, if you’re an ex-good student, I’m pretty sure that you know this static in your head, right? Whenever you really need to do something but you just can’t get up and do it, so you keep procrastinating even though you hate it and keep scrolling and scrolling or gaming and gaming and feel more and more guilty?

Well, it might not be the most immediate analogy, but for this post I want you to consider that what connects you and your subject of study is essentially a relationship and that this static is (among other things) an indicator of how screwed up your relationship is. Just like with real people, your relationships with subjects can either

  • prosper and bear fruit (me & Creative Writing)
  • become cold and distant (me & French)
  • or, worst of all, turn sour and actively harmful. (me & PE, back in school)

Now, nobody likes to hear that they’re relationship-ing wrong. And it is true that different approaches work for different people. But here are the counter-productive relationships that I’ve personally ended up in and I’m gonna show you how I got into and out of them, so you can try to do the same. Maybe it’ll help you lift that static from your head.

Side-Note: Always remember that, since your subjects are just that (subjects), and not real people, you are the only one who can actually mend these relationships and, conversely, you are the one who screwed them up in the first place (probably with good intentions, though).

So, we’ll take them in this order:

1) Overeager Debasement

2) Undereager Debasement

3) Worship


(Oh, and in case you wanna catch up:

Masterpost 

Part 1

Part 2)


1) Overeager Debasement

What is it?

The desire to do everything, perfectly, at the same time, right now. Not to limit yourself to just one field of study, but to master them all, to reign supreme above knowledge, to keep your mind wide open to new possibilities, similarities and contradictions.
You overvalue your own capacities and undervalue the needs and difficulties of your subject.
(also refer to the first post for this)

How did you get here?

(read picture from right to left)

So. Many. Possible. Reasons.

  • it’s a cage. The idea of doing just one thing for the rest of your life scares you and you feel imprisoned at the thought of it
  • you know that you could be outstanding if you applied yourself
  • you know that you could be even more outstanding if you became accomplished in multiple fields
  • you want to find connections between fields nobody’s ever considered before
  • you feel like you’ve wasted your last few years and need to catch up to others
  • you’re afraid that you’re not good enough
  • you’re afraid of being ignorant
  • you’re arrogant

No matter the reason (I’ve gone through them all), people caught in this state of mind shovel more and more onto their plate.
And then wonder why they can’t swallow it all.

What do you think you’re doing?

A labour of love, most likely. You think you love languages and sciences and athletics and programming and cooking and hanging out with friends and being alone and so you just want to do it all!
You don’t want to limit yourself! You don’t want to lose any time! But there’s just so much and you have so little energy and ugh, if only I wasn’t destined for greatness, then I could relax like other little people, but no, I need to keep pushing! In every! Direction! At the same! Time!

I know your delusion. I’ve been there. You imagine yourself to be that one perfect friend who gets up at 6am, watches the sun rise, does yoga, eats a healthy breakfast, goes for a quick run, comes back home, answers all correspondence, is artistic for a few hours, then scientific for a few hours, then social for a few hours and ends the day with tiny masterpieces in each area, goes out with friends or family to grab a healthy dinner and goes to sleep, happy and balanced :)

Well, you know what, my starry-eyed friend?

What are you actually doing?

You’re the mental equivalent of a social butterfly.
You’re being fucking disrespectful.

You’re always on the run and never able to really commit to anything, because you’ve already scheduled something else afterwards. You’re shallow, deluded, that one friend that always comes in running, screaming “Besties  ~ ♥” and everyone shifts uncomfortably in their seats and smiles a painful smile and humours you, because they know you mean well, but they also know that you know nothing about them. 
You’ve never been there for them ever, but always expect them to be there for you. Whenever they want to talk about themselves, you nod and then proceed to about yourself and your plans and “ohmygosh, this is so nice, we need to meet more often ~ ♥ “. But at least you mean well, so they’ve agreed to keep it simple and on the “The weather is nice today”-level with you. 

But here you are, wondering why you’re not making any progress.
Mysterious.

So what do I do?

Well, you need to go from this:

To this:

How? More on that below.


2) Undereager Debasement

What is it?

This stage is what happens when you notice that your lofty ideals from Overeager Debasement cannot be fulfilled. You turn bitter, hateful, cold. You think you’re a failure, you think you were too soft. Instead of wanting to be friends with everyone, you now want to rule over everyone, fuck what they want.

You’re burnt out. You’re done. You just want to get through these stupid classes and catch a goddamn break, goddamnit.

And you WILL get through. You’re too proud to do anything else. But you don’t really care about any of it.
You just want to make it.

How did you get here?

If you were a good student, you probably heard at some point or another that you were “different” and that your complex and mysterious ways were not understandable and definitely not achievable for your average classmate.

Most people who tell you this mean well. A few want to make fun of you, but most actually do mean it as a compliment. But they don’t know how dangerous it is to hear it again and again, because regardless of whether it’s true or not, you start to believe it.
You start to believe that somehow, you have a higher calling, a higher standard. And you start to long for that day when your high standards will be met - when you will go to that one mysterious class where everyone is just as eager as you are, where the “Oh, captain, my captain!”-teacher will spark a fire in your brain that will never go out and when your ominous “gifts” can finally be put to good use for the prosperous future of mankind.


And you work.

And work.

And the class never comes.

You feel the weight on your shoulders when teachers talk of “high expectations”, you feel it crush you a little bit every time your friends tease you about your genuine fear that you might not get an A, that you might lose it all, that your “gifts” could disappear and you’ll be stranded and useless and you put in the hours, you work your ass off to keep that high standard, all in the hope of having that one miraculous class that never comes.

I realized that that class would never come when I entered university.

University, I’d told myself, would be my Arcadia, my Eden, my academic paradise where all my hard work would be rewarded!
Instead, I only found more drudgery, more incompetent professors, more disinterested students and even more bureacracy. To say that I was “disappointed” would be putting it very lightly.

I became disoriented and disenchanted. I realized that I could get through most classes with half-assed effort, I was hardly ever challenged, I floated along and hated every second of it. I blamed my boring teachers, the imperfect system, the teachers who had given me hope only for me to watch it crash and go up in flames.

What do you think you’re doing?

Being badass, cool and detached, most likely.

You dream of yourself as a master and your subjects as slaves. They bow to your will, they dance to your tune, you command them with the snap of a finger.

“Look, you slave of the system”, you say, lying on a velvet sofa, “Look, at how it hardly takes any effort for me to pass these classes! Look at how I spend my time doing things I actually like and that are actually worth it, unlike these stupidly easy classes taught by stupidly incompetent professors in a stupidly screwed-up system! Look at me, being edgy and drowning in self-hatred because I can physically feel myself gliding off the rails that made me so “special” and becoming one of the average people in the masses, haha. Ha. Ha. Screw academia, but still give me good grades, amirite?”

I know your delusion. I’ve been there. You imagine yourself to be that one perfect friend that never studies for classes, comes for three lectures per semester and still manages to get perfect grades because everything you do in school is, like, so five years ago. That one friend who has read all the classics in their spare time, has conquered and enslaved all the knowledge actually worth knowing, will quote obscure Polish philosophers you’ve never heard of and plays the piano with a perfect pitch. They’re the wisest, most culture-non-conforming people you know - they’ve been up until 5am, wandering the streets and drinking vodka from a bottle while forcefully pentrating the mysteries of the universe all by themselves until they finally fall asleep on a park bench and awake with an epiphany about Klein bottles.
They’re “special”.

What are you actually doing?

Caring more about appearing “special” than actually trying to be “special”, that’s what you’re doing.

But, look, what made you so “special” and “different” in the first place was not a “calling” or “gifts” or the fact that you wrote good grades and were destined for greatness.

Here’s a handy chart I’ll use later - you were lucky enough to fall into the green zone, lucky enough to be born with an innate respect and a love for learning. That’s what made you “special”. That’s what made you succeed. Not pressure, not warped ideals and certainly not the fear of failure.


But somewhere along the way you forgot that and only focussed on the results. You started to believe yourself to be so special that everybody else should cater to you.
The fancy titles, the awe-struck looks, the “You’re so amazing”s and the “The genius of a decade”, the planned Nobel prize speech and the prestige, the dream others had lovingly created for you and you had slowly absorbed and warped as your own? It got to you. Hell, it got to me.
And it became more important than learning itself.
Somewhere along the way, you and I, we became an arrogant and lazy assholes.

You looked down on your easy courses and homework and instead of recognising how lucky you are, doing it in a minute and a half and then putting in the extra work on top to dig deeper and to maybe contribute something of value and fun, you threw it aside with a snide remark as beneath you.
Of course it wasn’t fun. Of course it wasn’t challenging. You never even tried to make it either.

(And don’t get me wrong: I honestly do think that the education system as it is right now needs MAJOR reforms. But right now? It is what it is. And instead of making the best of it and doing what you once loved so much, you succumbed to societal pressures you found yourself unable to fulfill and said “meh”.
You cared so much about the fame and the title that the relationship itself didn’t matter.)

But this isn’t the master-slave relationship you imagine it to be.
It’s a trophy-friendship. Once upon a time, you got on really well with this person and other people loved your friendship. You fell in love with the ideal, with their connections, their money, their prestige, their name on a CV, and you stuck around just for that.
You valiantly ignore the reality of the state of things between you two
and take them out only when absolutely needed, only when things are this close to falling apart and so you keep walking a fine, fine line.
Whenever a deadline approaches, you shower them with attention and love and, gingerly, they open up to you and you see a depth and complexity to them that astounds you and makes you think “Imagine! Imagine how much more I could have seen if only I’d started earlier?”
But the moment the crisis has passed, you toss them aside once again.

Because this is enough to make your name.
You may not remember much about these nights or about the person at all, but the only thing that counts is that it will fulfill your “special” prophecy and make you a legend, right?

Well, always remember this:
(read picture from right to left)

You’re not “special” if you made it to university. You’re not “special” if you’ve made your name. 
It comes down to a simple choice: do you value appearances over integrity or the other way round? Do you dare to look like a fumbling idiot again when you start something new? Is the “appearing like an idiot”-part more important to you than the “learning/creating something new”-part? 
Have a think about it.

3) Worship

“Alright”, you’ll say, “Alright. I get it. So I’ll treat my “friends”/subjects with respect and integrity and I’ll take all the time and concentration I can bestow upon them, just as I would upon real friends. But do you want me to be like, uh - like…

What is it?

“…like one of those anime characters that lives only for their dream and gets up at like 6am, does the thing, talks about the thing, breathes the thing, goes to bed, dreams of the thing and then wakes up at 6am to do the thing?”

(Google: Did you mean Hinata Shouyou?

Yes, yes, I did, google.)

Well, no, I don’t want you to do that. See, that’s the other extreme and unless you’re an anime character, chances are that it won’t work out for you. 

How did you get here?

Personally, I was caught in this trap for a loooooong time. Anime offered me a new way of relating to my passions that neither my family nor my school had ever shown me: unabashed obsession.
I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be obsessed. I wanted to give myself up to a higher ideal, something above human consciousness, something that would endure. I wanted to, well, get up at 6am, do the thing, talk about the thing, breathe the thing and so on - “the thing” in question being, of course, studying. I made elaborate plans, complicated lists, study-plans that shift on a daily basis and cover all grounds, I wanted to study for two hours before school, wanted to repeat lessons, wanted to give myself up to knowledge, made cool covers for my notebooks, made mock exams for my friends to use, planned to focus on each continent for a month and study it, planned to listen to one new composer each day, planned to go to the museum every week, planned to analyze Sherlock Holmes and think just like him, planned to - you get the idea.

I wanted to be like this:

What do you think you’re doing?

Being but a humble servant to the eternal workings of truth. Knowing thou art unworthy, yet suffering the perfection of study.

I wanted to go from 0 to 100, I wanted knowledge and wisdom to transform and deliver me, I wanted to feel enlightened, I wanted to feel my brain burning, pushing frontiers and breaking through to new horizons, I wanted to elevate myself to touch even the lowest levels of truth.
I wanted to do something noble, something worthwhile, something that could never be critisized and would always be valued, something with eternal meaning that would echo through the ages and I wanted to be even the tiniest cog in the machinery of mind.

What are you actually doing?

Being, quite simply, an idiot.

This is one of my favourite quotes (David Wong):

“There are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them.” 

The same goes for studying. As shown above, studying won’t work out if you do not treat your subjects with respect. Conversely, studying also won’t work if you continue to idolize it as work beyond all work and reproach, as the only true calling, as the realm of the genii and by self-flagellating yourself and repeating “I’m but a humble servant in your kingdom of reason and will never reach where you are, but will spend all my time trying to reach you.” 

Why? Because by saying “I’ll never reach you or be worthy of you”, you’ve already sealed your fate. Some students (no matter how well they actually perform) are stuck thinking that they are stupid and incapable of doing well. Others think that the trick is in the preparation and they undergo complicated rituals of finding exactly the right study spot, exactly the right study drink, exactly the right study time, etc. in the hope of channeling the connection between their godly subject and themselves, but it never turns out quite as glamorous as they’d hoped (once again, speaking from experience).

This is because you cannot force a true friendship if you think yourself unworthy of it. It will always be worship. 

And why are you worshipping?
Because it takes the pressure right off of you
. This always annoyed me about some of my fellow students. They treated becoming a good student as this miraculous and unlikely event that only happens to the #blessed.
I insisted that “no”, it could be done. “Yes”, it was hard work, but ultimately absolutely doable. But now that I’ve been in their shoes? I understand.
Admitting that you could have done it anytime implies failure on your part for not having done it. By saying “Oh no, it is so very complex and divine and a lowly worm like me could never hope to crawl in its shadows”, you shift the focus away from yourself and onto the thing itself. 

But this is a synthetic, manufactured relationship with a partner that does not even exist. It is, at its heart, a kyaa  ~ I hope senpai notices me! (๑♡⌓♡๑) - kind of relationship. It’s idolizing not a person’s true character, but their appearance, their aesthetic and the values that they represent for you. It’s not really listening to what they’re saying, but warping their words so they fit into your perfect idea of them.
Just, unlike with undereage debasement, you do not play pretend that everything’s fine and secretly hate the other person deep down - you honestly idolize them to heaven and back, so you could never possible reach them.
You’re using them to fill in the holes in your own personality.

And that … just isn’t fun? I dunno about you, but treating studying as something that must be done perfectly with exactly the right pen and the perfect face-mask after the right smoothie and in the right lighting by a window overgrown with ivy and with perfect concentration from the first moment and unwavering, knightly passion and exact planning from 6am to bedtime all because I know deep down that I will not be able to fulfill these ideals and thus don’t have to feel bad about not reaching them just … isn’t for me. I don’t like my relationships to be all overstructured and “perfect” and high maintenance like that.

I want my friendships and my studying to be authentic. And that means that sometimes it’s messy and sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s quoting Keats while lying on the floor at 2am in the morning and chugging milk out of a carton, but it’s real.
I truly do understand this longing to make studying look pretty and like a magical realm, because when you’re in the flow that’s really what it feels like. But the beauty comes along with the practice, not the other way round.

No, but honestly - what do I DO then?


Y’remember Hippogriffs from Harry Potter? That’s how I imagine my subjects. Approach them carefully, honestly, maintaining eye contact and as equals and they will respect you. This scene:

This scene is what I’m talking about. 
If you were in a worship-state, you would only admire them from afar, gushing over how beautiful they are, but sad that they would never deign to even look in your general direction. (think of all the subjects you thought would be way too difficult for you)
If you were in a debasement-state, you’d either try to make friends with all the hippogriffs, hopping from one to the other and forming no bond with either or you’d “tsk” disdainfully and try to force them to obey you against their will. (*cough* Malfoy *cough*)

If, however, you’re in the green, there will be mutual respect between you and you will be able to fly.

So what does it mean to be in the green? 
It means not to do any of the above, obviously, so 

  • take your time for and invest brainpower into each and every one of your subjects - be a good friend. Be there. Listen. Even if they have crazy ideas at 4am in the morning. 
  • appreciate your subjects and know that they are more than the teacher who tries to get you to know them. Sometimes, some people just have a really shitty PR department (especially maths)
  • don’t think too much or too little of yourself. You can do amazing things, but that does not give you the license not to do amazing things anymore, rest on your laurels and expect others to applaud you for it. 

  • some relationships take longer than others to build, but getting to understand someone who puzzled you from the first moment and challenged your beliefs will improve your own personality as well
    (side-eye at PE. Yes, I love you now, you crazy athletic bastard)
  • do it for the sake of the relationship itself, because you enjoy their company. Results are presents which, although very much appreciated, should not be the main motivator to keep you going.
    This essentially means that you should think of studying as hanging out with a friend - already makes it seem so much more inviting and way less daunting, does it not?

    (Logic and I, being saltmates. Real friends judge other people together)
  • be aware that all friendships go through rocky patches and some subjects might take a while to warm up to you or you to them. But if you think that it’s worth it, then you gotta power through that. If you don’t think it’s worth it, you gotta be brave enough to say good-bye. 


Look, what I’m actually saying is … be Souma Yukihira from Food Wars.

Food Wars is a crazy and at times pretty pervy manga/anime, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t also one of the best pieces of fiction I’ve ever consumed and if Souma isn’t one of the most admirable main characters I’ve ever encountered.  

The relationship between him and cooking is filled with trust, love and equality. He trusts his cooking skills, because he knows that they have spent a long time together - cooking won’t let him down and he won’t ever let cooking down by stopping to look for ways to improve.

That doesn’t mean, however, that he’s always deadly serious - he loves to play around with cooking and to try ridiculous new things. He never forgets the joy that even the simplest form of cooking brings him. 

There’s one great episode where he puts his life as a chef on the line and someone fearfully asks him what he’d do if he lost. He shrugs and says he could become a lawyer or a teacher or something. So while he loves cooking profoundly, he does not worship it and he knows that there are other relationships he could build up if he had to. He just …doesn’t want to, because cooking is his bff. 

He loves to take on challenges to see how far he and cooking have come -

- and he takes challenges very seriously -


- but takes it even more seriously if he loses -

- and nonetheless knows that they are stronger for the challenges they have faced together. 

So, yes, this is what it means to be in the green. Cherish your friendships, hang out together, be honest, funny, clever, curious and you. 

You’ll be surprised at how much fun the two of you will have, now that all the pretensions and pressures are gone. 

Just …hang out and have fun.

(and maybe watch Food Wars!, because damn, Souma is the MVP of my inspirational heroes)

Have a great day and I’ll see you in the next (and hopefully shorter) part 4 :)

Live a Little

Live a Little: Yoonseok (threesome) (m)

Word count: 3.5k

Genre: pure filth, threesome 

This was going to be for Yoongi’s birthday but i’m late. Anyway, enjoy ^^

Originally posted by yoongiggles

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Soulmate Quiz

Fandom: Marvel (Soulmate AU)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: In a world in which soulmates exist, you were given no sign as to whether you have one or not. No voice in your head that resembles to theirs. No initial or date or your wrist. No seeing everything in black and white and suddenly in color. Nothing. So, just as a gag, you take a quiz you saw on Buzzfeed that might give you the slightest inkling who your potential soulmate might be.

A/N: Based on this quiz I saw on Buzzfeed’s website.

Originally posted by bucbarnes


You hated not being marked. Absolutely hated it. Whether you met people who have met their soulmate or haven’t yet, they all pitied you. You didn’t get a single soulmate trait at all. You were part of the very few who were born that way. 

When you were younger, you used to draw a mark on yourself. Sometimes it’d be an initial, sometimes it’d be a shape, or sometimes it’d be some random quote you read or heard on the tv. You faked it up until you just didn’t bother anymore. 

Your parents had told you that just because you don’t have a soulmate trait, that didn’t mean you don’t have a soulmate. Your friend Natasha didn’t have a mark or trait either, and she still ended up meeting her soulmate, Clint. So you had hope. But you can only have so much hope. 

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monster mash [ richie tozier(implied) x reader ]

summary: richie asks (name) to the halloween dance

words: 1 278

a/n: this is written for @superwolfiestar ‘s “Beauty and the Beast Halloween prompt challenge”! i’m so sad i couldn’t make it for the first days (i was too busy), but now i finally have a moment to spare so here it is. i love the losers club in a completely platonical way, so i don’t want to put explisit romance. just kids being kids. i thought it was cute. this is day 3 and prompt costume. also, i’ve taken inspiration from this . starting quote from a.carter

MASTERLIST KO-FI. 7K GIFT!

Originally posted by imultifandomstuff

Nights of October, of frail sickle moons, when the earth conceals the shinning accomplice of assassins in its shadow, to make everything all the more mysterious. The nights swallow the day in the blink of an eye; the walk to school and back is long and tedious and you often, on such cold and eerie evenings of stillness, find yourself turning a corner away from your home to knock on Richie Toziers door.

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Patater Week - Day 2

Feb. 7- Proposal/Wedding Day/Wedding Night (1.5K)

“I’m nervous,” Kent says.

“Change your mind?” Alexei teases, only feeling a tiny bit worried. He doesn’t think Kent will actually bail on him, now that they’re both in their suits and the hall is surely packed with their families and teammates. Bittle would cry if anything happened, Alexei thinks. And then skin both of them alive.

But then again, Alexei did see Runaway Bride twice with Snowy, when he was first learning English and someone had the brilliant idea that the best way to learn is to watch all the classic romcoms. Snowy, it turns out, is a big fan of Richard Gere. Kent doesn’t look like he’s ready to bolt, but he did seem skittish, and in the movie, Julia Roberts had been very skittish.

“No, never,” Kent says, taking Alexei’s hands and rubbing his thumb over Alexei’s palms. His hair is already a little mussed, the untamable cowlick threatening to pop back up. “Not about you. I know I’m an ass about a lot of things, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Good to know,” Alexei says, letting out a breath of relief. “You tell me now, then what you say for vows?”

“Oh, God,” Kent laughs nervously. “Oh man. That’s—that’s the thing. The vows. In front of a bunch of people. I could probably do it. Maybe. You wouldn’t happen to be carrying Xanax on you?” He chuckles and scratches the back of his neck, but his jaw drops when he sees Alexei rummage in his pockets. “Wait, I’m just joking. I don’t actually—what the hell is that?”

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Rabbits and Seals

So until I get an AO3?
Might as well post (because impatiences)
Credit to @catnippackets​ for the lovely inspirational art!



Anyone passing through the forest, who happened to spend too much time by the clear pool of water, would certainly question the fauna living there.
After all, seals were expected by beaches and the sea. Not small freshwater lakes tucked within inland forests.And yet, flouncing within the still waters, amongst the reeds and fresh lily pads was Lance. To the untrained eye; a seal.

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I’m happy for You

Hello! This is a request and because of that inspired by the song ‘Stone Cold’ by Demi. I recommend you to listen to it whilst reading. I know it’s taken me ages to come up with a story and I very much hope the person who requested it sticked around long enough to read this short little one shot.

I hope you’re all well! x

Plot: Dinner is really hard to enjoy when Y/N notices her ex, Harry, is on a date.

Warnings: Nothing but angst and fluff ahead so I’d say no.

Request: Yes.

Pic isn’t mine but I do love the hat.


He looked so good. And I hated him for it. 
For once he wasn’t wearing one of his flashy and bright suits that only he could pull of, but instead was dressed in a simple black shirt and a pair of dark and washed out jeans. 
It wasn’t his choice of clothing that made my heart sink. 
Harry looked good. Meaning he looked like he was doing fine.
His cheeks were pink from blushing and his eyes sparkled with joy. The mouth I knew was soft and warm to kiss was pulled into a wide smile that made my stomach flutter with longing. I wanted to know what it was that made him smile like that. I needed to know why he was so happy. It hurt to be excluded. 
And his stupid hair. Why did the short look suit him so well?
He looked soft and adorable, so much so my fingers tickled with the need to reach out and touch him. 
But I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. Only she was. 
The female he had clutching to his arm was pretty. Her lips were painted a dark red I knew he must be crazy about, her hair was long and a thick blond, blonder than any other girls’ hair I’d ever seen that still looked as if it was the natural colour and when she looked up at him her eyes widened to reveal the most stunning shade of blue. 
She was pretty and she had him, the Harry who used to be mine and I both envied and hated her for it. 

“Y/N, you can’t look at him like that I’m sorry.” 

Eileen’s soft voice murmured the words into my ear gently, aware that she was pulling me out of a trance and away from my ex boyfriend. Her hand squeezed my arm and slowly nudged me to turn away and to give my attention to the people we’d come to the restaurant with so that I would at least pretend to be part of the conversation. 
I knew I was doing a poor job, though. It’s hard to smile when your heart is breaking. 
Why was he happy? And how? I was living with half of my soul missing and he sat there, drinking and eating dinner with a new girlfriend and a smile that was big and honest decorating his beautiful features. 

“I’ll be back in a minute.” 

Kim who was in the middle of talking about something funny that happened at work shot me a worried glance before looking at Eileen who gave me a soft smile and nod. 

“Toiled? Need me to come with you?”

“Yes and no I think I can manage. I’ll only be a minute.”

I jumped off my chair and hurried towards where I knew the restrooms were without glancing back at the person I missed so dearly. The door of the ladies’ room fell shut behind me and finally I could breathe in deeply.
I wasn’t crying. That was at least a small victory in a shitty situation and for the first time my hands weren’t shaking that bad. 
The last time I’d seen Harry it’d all been much more awkward, especially when I’d run off and jumped into a taxi in the middle of a busy Londoner street so I could escape the situation as fast as possible. He’d seen me, he must have, and the thought of him confronting me about it made my cheeks burn with embarrassment. How might that conversation go, I wondered as I stared at my reflection in the mirror?
Hey, Y/N, I was wondering… why exactly did you run off like a crazy person the other night?
Ugh. Why was I like this? Oh well… at least my makeup wasn’t messed up and the bit of concealer I’d smeared on did a pretty good job at hiding my red cheeks. Still… I wasn’t as good looking as the girl he had taken to sit by his side. 

“Y/N.” 

The way he used to say my name was forever burned into my memory, so vividly in fact that I could hear them replay in my mind just as if he was whispering them into my ear.

“I love you, Y/N. I always have.”

We were a sappy couple, Harry and I. So in love. Looking at him first thing in the morning when his body was naked and wet from the shower he’d taken, hair dripping onto the soft skin… it was a sight that made me melt every time and turn to hide under the covers before he would notice my flushed cheeks.
Harry would know of course, always aware when there were eyes on him and he’d know instantly where my thoughts were going. 

“I know you fancy me,” Harry would love to joke, “M’hard to resist, aren’t I?”

“You’re full of yourself.” 

But really he was right. I was crazy about him and in love with all of my heart. I still was. It was difficult to know that Harry didn’t feel that way about me anymore. I’d made his heart beat faster once and now I probably didn’t earn the slightest reaction anymore. Well… maybe embarrassment.
I took a deep breath. Harry was here and he was happy and there was nothing I could do about it. Not that I wanted to change his mood either. It was probably because I loved him still that I wanted Harry to be happy, even when it meant it was with a woman with blonde hair and the shade of lipstick I knew I would never pull off. 

So really all I had to do was get the courage to face him again.

“Okay. Woman up.”

I stepped out of the bathroom with the fakest smile pulling at my lips and eyes that were still very far from crying, ready to be strong and totally over it, only to (lucky me!) walk straight into his chest. Fuck.

“Hi.”

Hi. That’s all? And why did he sound so fucking calm? I might as well have been his neighbour’s daughter that came over to lend a pound of flour from him.
His tone was kind and the smile he wore genuine, like he was glad to find an acquaintance so unexpectedly.

“Hey, Harry.”

Up close he looked even more perfect. His lips were so pink and pillowy soft, his eyes filled with emotion upon finding mine and when his hand reached out to push a strand of hair from my face it made my heart flutter. How could he look so much like my Harry and still be the furthest away from being just that?

“Didn’t see you earlier. Did you just come here?”

My breath hitched and his eyes furrowed when I took a small step back. 

“Are you alright?”

But I couldn’t form an answer. We were so different. I’d seen him the moment my feet stepped into this restaurant, felt his presence like an energy crushing into me and warming my body from within. And Harry… he only noticed I was there because I’d physically knocked into him.
I’d lost my spell on him and my eyes watered at the thought that I would probably forever be under his.

“I’m happy for you, Harry,” was all I managed to murmur before brushing past his shoulder and towards my friends. 

They didn’t question me when I sat back down with watering eyes and they didn’t comment it when I stayed silent.
It was obvious what was wrong and both, Eileen and Kim knew what had happened when they noticed Harry walk from the narrow hallway in the back to his chair and date. He looked distraught and deeply lost in his own head.

“We can go home,” Eileen offered quietly but I shook my head, trying to smile.

Harry was over me and I needed to come to terms with that and be somehow happy to know that the guy I loved as okay. 

”I’m okay. Let’s just stay and enjoy dinner.”

What I didn’t know though was that the pretty blonde at Harry’s side was his neighbour (funny enough), who’d been nice enough to watch his cat while he’d been on tour and who he’d decided to take out for a nice dinner to say thank you. 
Not a date. Not ever.
Harry’s heart burned at the thought of me thinking that he was okay when in reality absolutely nothing in his life was even close to being okay without me with him. He missed me. Every inch of his skin prickled and every muscle in his body ached with the intense pain of knowing that I was only feet away from him but that there were worlds between us.

“Are you okay, H?” Saide looked at him with worried eyes and it was only now that Harry noticed that he hadn’t said a word in several minutes. Instead he’d been staring at me where I sat at the table with two people he only knew from brief encounters. 

He noticed how my food remained untouched and how I sat with my back tensed and rigid. 
Fuck. He missed me more than what he liked to admit. 

“That girl over there,” Saide spoke quietly, “That’s her, right? Your ex.”

Ex. Harry hated that term. I was so much more than that. I was his lover once and he was pretty sure that I was his soulmate still. But an ‘ex’ I was not. No way did that term ever describe what our relationship had turned out to be, regardless of its end.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to go talk to her?” 

Harry hissed. “S’nothing to talk about, Saide. She’s… she’s better off without me.”

Saide shifted in her seat. “Don’t take this the wrong way but she doesn’t look that great to me, Harry. I wouldn’t say she’s better off or fine even. She looks like she’s in pain and so do you.”

His chest ached and when Harry dared glance at me once more his lips parted. Saide wasn’t wrong. To him I looked as beautiful as I’d always had, but there was a change in my appearance. My neck was bent in a way he was sure it must leave me aching the next day and when I tried to force myself to eat some of my food the fork in my hand shook heavily. 

“You don’t… I mean you wouldn’t hate me if I went to talk to her for a moment, would you?”

Saide smiled. “Of course not.”

Harry nodded and with an unfamiliar sense of anxiety he got up and made his way to where I was. He was so nervous his knees felt like jelly.
The shoulder he touched me on was cold beneath his fingers and when I turned to look at him the heart in his chest dropped to the very bottom of his stomach. 
If we weren’t in public right now with dozens of people around and watching us, he was sure I would be crying right now.

“Y/N.”

“Harry, I think you should just leave her alone,” Kim muttered but before he or Eileen could’ve said anything further my body was wrapped up in Harry’s arms and my head was hidden away in his neck. He just couldn’t help himself. 

Just like earlier in the hallway the magic between us drew him in and this time there was nothing that could’ve kept him from embracing my body and hold me to his.

“M’not leaving,” Harry murmured, more to me in his arms than as reply to Kim’s words, “Y/N, you hear me? M’not.” 

The embrace came sudden and with my face pressed up against the warm skin of his collarbones it felt as if I could breathe for the first time in months. My lungs burned under the pressure. Never did I think that I would get to smell him again and I almost smiled at how ridiculous it was to miss something so insignificant as somebody’s scent. Harry understood though as he himself couldn’t keep from sighing upon burying his nose in my hair.

“Harry.” 

His stomach fluttered at my whine.

“Let’s go outside for a minute,” he proposed, “Need to talk to you.”

I nodded, almost dizzy from the surreality of the situation and whimpered quietly when Harry removed his hold on me so I could slip from the chair, only to have his arms wrap around my shoulders the moment my feet touched the ground. For the first time that night my smile was genuine. I had him back! Harry was here and talking to me and all of a sudden it physically hurt how much I had been missing him. How had I ever managed to cope with this kind of pain caused only by his absence?
Suddenly everything seemed to be brighter. Maybe things would be okay after all. Well, that was until I found her face. Her pretty and kind face. And when her eyes found mine I noticed her red lips part with shock. 
Oh god. What was I doing? I was ruining this woman’s lovely night with a wonderful guy simply because I couldn’t stop moping around right in front of hi eyes. And of course ever caring Harry would try to cheer me up before returning to his new girlfriend.
No. I couldn’t take Harry from her after he’d left me. She had a right on a nice date and a good evening with him and to whatever that may lead.
My feet stopped moving. 

Harry turned to me with a confused expression. “Y/N-”

“You shouldn’t leave her hanging like this,” I defended quietly and was about to shrug him off when the blonde shot from her seat. Oh god. If she was to slap me that would be okay and so deserved.

But no, the girl gave me a smile, picked up her plate and marched over to where Eileen and Kim were sitting where she without hesitating for a moment took my seat. I watched in shock how she held out her hand for my friends to shake and I tensed when I heard her speak:

“Hi! I’m Saide, a friend of Harry’s.”

Friend. Eileen shot me a surprised glance before taking the girl’s hand and introducing herself as well. I turned to Harry who grinned down at me and when his hand reached for mine I let him take it. Friend?

“Just a friend, love,” Harry confirmed, “Now come on.”

Outside the streets were empty aside from few people gathered in groups having a smoke and when Harry pulled me further away from the entrance I felt myself relax. It was cold (though I had Harry’s jacket around my shoulders before my skin could even shudder) and the freshness of the air combined with the beauty of the night sky made me want to forget all about the uncomfortable conversation we were about to have. 
Though when Harry stopped and I let my back rest against the stone wall of the building the discomfort drained from my veins.
It was just Harry, I realized, no stranger who’d judge me or wish me harm. This was the nicest person I knew and somebody I loved dearly.
He stepped around my body so he his was shielding me from the wind and when I dared reaching up to brush my fingers against the soft skin of his cheek he hummed.

“I’m really not okay without you, Harry.” 

The whispered confession had his pink lips part and for a moment his eyes fell shut. My hand was taken in his and he held it against his cheek, keeping it there so he could press sweet kisses to it by turning his head in my palm.

“I miss you,” I continued quietly, “Miss you more than I thought possible. I’m sorry I messed tonight up and I’m sorry I was such a shitty girlfriend to you but I… I can’t cope without you anymore.”

Every word followed a kiss to my hand, my wrist, my arm… Harry listened intently and the more I opened up the deeper the sorrow he felt ached in his chest. Harry’s free hand met my left side and pulled me into him gently.

“You weren’t a shit girlfriend,” he murmured, his warm breath fanning over he exposed skin of my arm, “You still are the most amazing person I ever had the chance to meet. If anything I owe you an apology for being a crappy boyfriend.”

I shook my head but bit back what I wanted to say next because when our eyes locked I realized that there was nothing that needed to be said out loud.
He was Harry and I was Y/N and the two of us always understood what was going on in the other’s head. It’s what had made our relationship so wonderful in the first place.
His nose brushed mine and my eyes closed. I hadn’t even noticed him coming this close to me but before I could catch a breath his hands were on either side of my head and his chest was pressed against my own and the two of us were kissing.
The short curls of his tickled my hands and his mouth opened against mine when a groan fell from it, caused by my fingers pulling and scratching his head. His hand travelled to my cheek and I giggled when his other tickled my waist before grasping it tighter and bringing me closer to him so he could deepen the kiss. I was dizzy and so was he, the both of us so drunk on each other it must’ve looked laughable from afar. 

I wanted to tell him that I loved him. 
He wanted to tell me that he loved me. 
But after being separated for so long, left with nothing but dreaming and yearning for the other day in and day out… there was nothing either of us needed more than to feel the other’s skin.
In that moment I would’ve given everything to be home with him, be that his place or mine.

“Soon,” Harry moaned into my neck and I hissed when his teeth bit into the sensitive skin, “M’taking you home soon, Y/N. Just- can’t let you go yet. Need a minute and… just-”

“I know,” I breathed into the shell of his ear, “I know, me too.”

And so we stayed, embraced and caught up in each other’s arms, kissing and sighing as the intensity of being reunited crushed our bodies repeatedly until we were so high on the happiness we were feeling all that tumbled from our lips were giggles.


I really hope you like this one… I just couldn’t leave the story as a sad one with him actually being on a date and her ending up alone. So yeah… happy couple finding each other again is a bit nicer isn’t it?

Masterlist

anonymous asked:

RFA + Saeran and V reacting to a tsundere MC admitting that she loves them?

Hope you enjoy this! ^^

RFA + Saeran and V with a tsundere MC

Zen

  • At first, he thinks it’s kinda adorable you’re always so angry around him, he even thinks you’re playing hard to get and take it as a challenge
  • But then he notices you’re like this just to him, because you’re pretty nice to everyone else , including Jumin
  • Like… you’re reaaaaally nice to Jumin, while you’re always scolding Zen for taking too many selfies and thinking the world revolves around him
  • So he just… accepts that maybe you’re interested in Jumin… once again, trustfund kid has everything…
  • And when he sees the blurred picture Jumin posted in the chatroom, with you beside him having dinner…  well, he’s sad… and angry! This isn’t fair!
  • So he decides to work out to forget this, maybe he can send you a selfie later… oh yeah, forget it! You told him a million times “sweaty isn’t sexy, you fool!”
  • He’s working out hard, lifting more and more weight, and then he hears a snap!  He just feels his body feeling and the worst pain he ever felt on his lower back… shit!
  • Jumin took you to the hospital, you seemed… worried, he didn’t know what to do to calm you down…
  • Zen gets so embarrassed when he sees you and Jumin coming in to his room. Jumin looks stoic as usual, but you… look like you’re shooting lasers with your eyes!
  • “Again, Zen? For real? Haven’t you learn last time you can’t strain yourself like this? Oh my god… are you really that dumb? Or are you just relying on your monster healing whatever? Next time, break your neck and let’s see how long it takes for you to heal! Oh, you won’t happen, because you’ll be dead! You hear me? You’re gonna die if you keep being that dumb!” great, now you’re wishing his death too…
  • “MC, calm down…” Jumin says, you take a deep breath and look to him: “Jumin, can I talk to Zen alone? Please…?” oh, the pleading in your voice… Zen would do everything to hear you talk to him like that… “As you wish, MC…” and he leaves, smirking. WTF?
  • “What happened? Last time you did that, you were angry at Jumin! What did it get you so angry for you to hurt your fucking spine?” “I… I saw something I didn’t like…” “What? You finally noticed how big is your ego?”
  • “Stop being that mean to me! Jesus… why do you hate me so much? Oh, and by the way… if you hate me that much, what are you even doing here?” “I… I… don’t hate you… and I got worried, it was just that… Jumin and I got worried and came to see how you were doing… and I see now you keep being stubborn and dumb and…”
  • “Enough, MC! God… why are you like that to me? Not even Jumin talks to me like that!” “Well, of course he doesn’t! He doesn’t love you like I do, and…” you look at him, eyes widened and your mouth covered by your hands.
  • “What… what… did you say?” Zen is legitimately shocked, he holds back a grin. “I… I… you heard me.” You look away and blush, oh god… SO CUTTTTEEEE!
  • “I don’t like seeing you hurting yourself, please, don’t do that again, if you don’t think about your health, I do. “ “Okay, I won’t! If you are by my side taking care of me, I’ll be fine!” “I… I… guess…”  you timidly come close to him and give him an awkward hug. “MC… I… I’m still all sweaty.” “I can get used to it.”

Yoosung

  • POOR THING
  • Why are you doing this to him? He’s so sweet and nice and adorable… “And you’re gullible, naïve and need to grow up, Yoosung! You keep whining about nobody seeing you as a man, but you keep acting like a little boy!” AND YOU’RE A MONSTER!
  • You scolded him a million times now, you do it in the chat, you do it when he calls you, you do it whenever you see him in person…
  • And why would he still like to be around you after all? Well… he… likes it? Most people spare his feelings or just tease him, and not even Jaehee is so direct like you are. He likes you’re not afraid to be brutally honest to him. Also, he’s an M, so…
  • One night, he’s playing LOLOL and notices you’re playing too, sometimes you join forces, he never understands why you do this, you’re so unpredictable… yes, another thing he really likes about you.
  • “Hey, MC! Good to see you here!” “Oh, you’re already here? God, go get some help for your addiction, dude!” “I… will, I swear I will, MC…” you’re talking through headsets.
  • You two lose a round, and he’s ready to listen your lecture… “Shit! Good night, Yoosung!” “I… I’m sorry we lost, MC… I… I should go and get some study… “ “You’re gonna study now? It’s almost midnight!” “Well, yeah… I have this test tomorrow and…” “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK! AND YOU’RE GOING TO STUDY JUST NOW? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”
  • “I… I forgot, MC. And you showed up to play and…” “Oh, don’t blame me for your irresponsibility! It’s not my problem if you’re such a lazy bum!” oh, he’s fucking gone when you call him a lazy bum… “Yes, MC, yes…”
  • “Ugh… you’re such a weirdo, Yoosung! I… I’m coming to your place to help you study, ok?” “R-Right now? It’s pretty late, MC…” “Yeah, no shit! But if I don’t help, you’re screwed! I’ll be on my way soon, don’t sleep and open the door to me, you heard me?” “Y-Yes…”
  • He’s so nervous, you’ve been to his place before and nagged him for being so messy, so he picks all the clothes on the floor and shoves them into the closet, you’re not coming to his room, anyway… are you?
  • “Don’t get any wrong ideas, I’m here to help you study!” “Yes… yes, of course, MC!” “Why does your place smell so weird? Ugh…”
  • You two start studying, he’s shocked at himself for knowing so much about the subject. Yes… ever since you came along, he’s been able to focus more…
  • “Hey, focus! We’re not even half done! God, do you always space out like this? Pay attention!” “Yes, MC…” “And stop saying that! Why do you keep saying ‘yes, MC, yes’? I already told you nobody will see you as a man if you keep acting like a puppy, Yoosung!”
  • “I… I’m sorry, MC! I… am really sorry…” and you see the tears… OH SHIT! “Wait, are you crying? Don’t… don’t cry…” “Why? Because it’s not manly?” “No, because… I hate seeing you sad…” “You what now?”
  • You throw the books away from you and hug him, he’s so confused… “MC?” “Do you think I like treating you like that? I hate it! But I need you to bring your A game in everything you do, you have so much potential, and I love you so much! And…” oops
  • “MC? You… you… love me?” “I… I…” the clothes he shoved in the closet earlier fall down and you let him go from your embrace. “Oh my God, Yoosung! What a mess! How do you live like that? Let’s go clean this and continue with the studies. God, I can’t believe I’m in love with someone so messy!” “You said it again, MC…”

Jaehee

  • She doesn’t understand why you’re so cold and just answer her with “yes”, “no” or “mmm”
  • Not that she’s this master in being affectionate, but you are on a whole level, seriously.
  • She likes you a lot, but sometimes is really unbearable to put up with your bad temper. Like, at one moment you’re fine, and few minutes later, you’re snapping at her for nothing!
  • This was one of those days… you dropped by to her café to help her, she didn’t even have to ask you, you just… showed up.
  • And everything was going ok, you were working together, she even made you smile! She loves your smile, it’s a shame you don’t show it that often.
  • And then this customer came in, she recognized him, he would come almost everyday. “Welcome!” she greeted cheerfully, “How can I not feel welcomed with such a warm greeting?” you rolled your eyes.
  • “What can I get you?” “Oh, If it was possible, I would want to take you home, but since I can’t… just the usual.” She giggles, embarrassed and goes to prepare his orer, you stop her: “I got this.” And you don’t even look at her, you’re just shooting daggers with your eyes to the flirty guy.
  • “Here you go, sir.” You handed him his coffee, he barely ignores you. “Does it match your taste, sir?” “Hum? Yeah, I guess…” “Good! Take another sip, then.” You lean to him and whisper: “ I dare you!” cue to the guy paying and leaving this place like his life depends on it. (it probably does)
  • “MC, what… just happened?” “Don’t be that nice to guys, you dork! They can really get the wrong message! Men are not reliable!” Zen, is that you?
  • “Well, I… I am just being nice to customers, you know, my customers, at my place,  where you barged in to work and just scare one of them?” “I was doing you a favor, It’s not my problem if you can’t recognize that, but sine you don’t want my help, I’m going now!”
  • You head to the exit, she stops you. “No! I can’t stand this anymore, MC! You can’t just do as you please and walk away! Tell me, did I do something to you?”
  • “Let it go, Jaehee…” “Seriously, why do you keep coming here if you’re gonna act like that? And why you’re nice, and then you switch your mood completely? Tell me, why do you hate me, MC? What have I ever done to you for you to act like that with me? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?”
  • “I DON’T HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!” both of you gasp in shock. “Happy now? I… love you… and I hate how oblivious you act around me and around… weird guys who clearly don’t give a shit about your coffee.”
  • “MC… are you serious?” “Why would I ever joke about something like this? Do you think I like coming here and opening up about y feelings to someone who probably don’t even like me back?” she hugs you, you don’t know if you should hug her back. “You’re the dork here, you know that?”

Jumin

  • He’s very confused, because you act a lot like Zen around him, but when you do it, it’s amazingly… cute.
  • You don’t call him a jerk or trustfund kid, you prefer more refined insults as spoiled, pretentious, self-centered… and you never say anything bad about Elizabeth.
  • Still, as cute as can be, sometimes it gets really annoying. He met all those really nice women (if they’re genuinely nice or not, that’s a whole another story…) and yet, the only lady who catches his attention is that one who’s always angry at him.
  • But apparently, all the hate you have for him doesn’t affect the way you feel about Elizabeth, as you always ask about her.
  • One day, you even offered to babysit her, he felt surprised. “Well, I’m just doing to free Jaehee a little, not everybody has to like your cat as you do, you selfish prick!” oh okay…
  • He barely could concentrate on the business meetings knowing you’re at his house taking care of his cat… why does he even care so much? You like the cat and can’t stand him!
  • He’s taken aback when he sees your name on his phone: “I need you to come over right now!” your tone sound even more serious and cold than usual.
  • He runs to his house and finds you pacing back and forth and biting your nails. “What happened, are you okay?” “I can’t find her!” OH SHIT
  • “What do you mean?” “Did I stutter? I don’t know where she is!” “How could this happen?” “Well, if I knew how I lost her, I would already have found her, no?”
  • He was worried, and he noticed how worried you were too. “What are you staring at? I’m not pleased either! Don’t think I lost your cat on purpose!” “I know you didn’t, MC! Calm down, let’s think about this objectively…” “Oh, I should know you would say something like this! It’s so typical of you! The ice king, Jumin Han! You’re so worried about not showing any emotions you don’t even look around you to notice how worried other people feel! Zen is so right about you…”
  • “Ok, if that’s how you feel, maybe you should go to Zen now…” “I CAN’T GO ANYWHERE, I CAN’T BE CALM WHEN THE MOST PRECIOUS THING THE MAN I LOVE HAS IS MISSING!” Wow… Jumin widen his eyes a little, then he looks down.
  • “Can you repeat, please?” “I… I didn’t mean to call her a ‘thing’, you know…” “No… the other part…” he comes close to you and holds your chin. “You love me?”
  • You blush furiously and he can’t hold back a chuckle. “Okay, let’s discuss this later, first we need to find her… did you look under the counter, she sleeps there sometimes…”
  • Please don’t be there! Please don’t be there! Shit, she’s there! Now you have to talk…

Saeyoung

  • Seriously? You really wanna fool a former secret intelligence agent? You really want him to believe you don’t have feelings for him?
  • And the tsundere thing… yes, very cute… but he knows you’re trying to hold your laugh when he tells a joke or pranks someone.
  • He pushed people away his whole life, so seeing you doing it too bothers him, because he sees a little of himself in you. At the same time, he loooooves to tease you just so you can scold him as much as you want.
  • He knows you probably don’t love him, that would be insane, but you definitely have a crush on him! And he’s determined to make you spill it out.
  • So he invites you, Yoosung and Zen for a ride on his brand new baby! “I’ll pick you guys up in that order:  MC, Zen, Yoosung.  Don’t be late!”
  • Privately, he already talked to Yoosung and Zen, telling them this is just an excuse, he just wants to pull an innocent prank on you, none of them believe it, they just think he wants a little time alone with you. That’s not entirely a lie,tho.
  • So when you are in his car and he doesn’t turn in the direction he should to go to Zen’s place, you start your trail of insults: “What are you doing? You should have turned left, you idiot! Seriously… you’re always bragging about your amazing driver skills, but can’t even remember your friend’s address? What’s wrong with you?”
  • “My bad, baby.” “Don’t call me ‘baby’! What… what are you thinking?” “Oh… you’re blushing, MC~~~~” he sings. “SHUT UP AND WATCH THE ROAD, YOU FOOL!” “Seriously, you’re redder than my hair right now, it’s so adorable…” “Well, I’ll let your face red when I slap you for saying bullshit!” “Oh, so you’re kinda kinky too, huh? You’re gonna spank me?” “WATCH THE ROAD! WATCH THE ROAD!” “Don’t change the subject-“ BANG! The car is hit on a tree, okay, that wasn’t exactly his plan… he can’t believe he got so carried away by teasing you…
  • “Oh my God! Are you… are you ok, MC?”  “Not thanks to you, buy yes.” “I’m sorry, that wasn’t part of my plan, and…” “Plan? What are you talking about?” uh oh…
  • “I… had planned a picnic for the two of us…” “What a manipulative prick! What’s wrong with you?” “I… don’t know, I… just wanted to spend some time alone with you…” “And what makes you think I would want to spend time alone with you?”
  • “MC… come on…” “Come on what?” “I… I know, MC. As sexy as you look when you act like that, don’t need to pretend anymore, I already know…” “You… You really know?”
  • “Well, it’s pretty obvious…” “It is?” “Yep, pretty much…” “Oh, okay then… probably Yoosung didn’t notice, because I told him I love you and…” “WHAT?”
  • “What what?” “You… love me?” Uh oh… now his face matches his hair color. “Why are you so surprised? You said you already knew!” “I thought you had a crush on me.”
  • “ME? A crush on YOU? Are you insane?” “MC, loving me is even bigger than having a crush on me…” “Well, yeah, but still… gross! And what are you waiting to call a tow truck to get us out of here?” “Nah, let’s stay like this a little more, I’m finding out so many interesting things because of that…” Please God, kill me now.

Saeran

  • Two tsunderes? Lolololol this will be fun to watch
  • No, seriously, all the RFA members feel entertained to watch your interactions, because they are so freaking hilarious. You yell at each other, then turn your back and resist the urge to look back to know if the other is looking, it’s kinda cute, actually…
  • None of you know that, but there’s a bet going on to know who will be the first one to confess. Zen and Jumin finally agreed on something and voted for Saeran. Saeyoung, Jaehee and Yoosung went for you.
  • But this is taking too long, and there’s a lot of money involved in this. I mean, just imagine if Jumin loses…
  • Everybody is waiting for a closure to this, so Saeyoung come up with this amazing idea to put you and Saeran to handle the guests list for the next RFA party. Jumin thinks is a bad idea, but even Zen, who’s on his side, agrees he’s just afraid of losing.
  • To prove he’s not, he even offers one of C & R meeting rooms, also because there’s security there, and if something goes wrong, they have trained people to take you two out of each other throats.
  • So there are you two. This is so fucking weird… “Okay, let’s do this quickly so it can end quickly!” you state. “I hate to say I agree with you, ugh…” you roll your eyes.
  • “So… Rui?” “Check!” “Cat hotel?” “Check!” “Detective?” “Check!” “Naming?” “It’s not here…” he says. “What you mean ‘it’s not here’?” “Exactly what I said, are you dumb? IT’S NOT HERE!”
  • “Don’t yell, you asshole! This is not your house for you to behave like that!” “Don’t tell me what to do! Not even my brother talks to me like that!” “Maybe he should, then you would learn some manners!” “Now you’re yelling too, you’re such a hypocrite!” “Don’t use words you don’t know the meaning!” “I told you not to tell me what to do! And I know the meaning, because I’m not stupid like you!” “SHUT UP!” “NO, YOU SHUT UP!”
  • The RFA is watching this through the CCTV. “Maybe this was a bad idea, Saeyoung…” Jehee says apprehensively. “No! We’re going somewhere, I can feel it! Just wait for it…”
  • “Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You’re so GRRRRR!” Saeran says. “Oh, I don’t understand cave man language, I’m sorry…” “Cave man? HAHAHA! You’re the wild one here, MC. You are… so wild! And… crazy! And… and… the way you tease me with your craziness, seriously…” “I’m the tease here? I’M THE TEASE HERE? YOU’RE THE TEASE HERE! You’re the one who keeps looking at me like a lost kitty! I… I hate how you look at me!”
  • “Well, I… I hate this shiny and silky hair of yours!” “And I hate your weird smile!” “This shirt is so tight I can see your stupid curves!” “So don’t look at them with these weird beautiful eyes of yours!” “Only if you stop talking with this melodic voice!” “HOW CAN I STOP TALKING IF I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT?” “OH YEAH? THEN I GUESS I LOVE YOU MORE!”
  •  So he asks: “Do you want to ditch this and have angry sex?” “Is there any other kind of sex?”
  • Jumin and Zen accept their defeat, but the other three don’t stick around to celebrate their victory. Everybody leaves to give you guys some privacy. Also, they’re freaking terrified of both of you.

V

  • Oh god… is painful to watch.
  • Because you keep snapping at him, and he just chuckles and says how adorable you are when you get mad.
  • So you two keep at this full circle, you get mad, he says you’re cute, and you get mad because he said you’re cute… this never ends.
  • Jumin asked you to hand some papers to him at his gallery. He chuckles at so fast you agreed on going.
  • You find him painting… what the fuck? You thought he was a photographer?
  • “Oh, welcome MC! What can I do for you today?” “D-Dude! How do you know it’s me? I… I didn’t say anything!” “Well, I recognize your smell and your pacing very easily…” “That’s… really creepy!” can he detect in your voice how much flustered you are?
  • “Jumin asked me to give you this. So… there you go! I’m off now!” “So soon? Please stay! Do you want to see what I’m doing?” YES “No… I’m okay.”
  • “Well, you may not know this, but painting and photography walk side by side…” “I… didn’t ask anything for you to be saying that.”
  • “Sometimes you just need the right angle, and the right moment…” “Dude, I… I have no idea what you’re saying…”
  • “So why don’t you take a look? I could really use your… honesty on this.” You roll your eyes and go to look what he painted, only to find it is… you! You smiling…
  • “What the fuck? What’s this?” “I believe it is you…” “I KNOW IT’S ME! BUT… H-HO-HOW YOU DID THIS? I mean… you can’t… see and…
  • “Oh, the paints have different textures, see how your smile looks smoother than your hair, for example?” “What do you have against my hair?” he chuckles.
  • “Nothing… on contraire, I assume it’s beautiful! I… would love to touch it to sense it and make a more accurate painting of you… will you let me?” “Wha-What? What? Touch me? No! Stop being creepy!”
  • “Okay…” “ALRIGHT! Just because you insisted so much…” he didn’t insist…
  • So there he goes to touch your face, running his fingers through your nose, your forehead, your lips… then he touches your hair… “So silky…” “Yeah, my secret is washing.” He laughs, and you shiver.
  • “Are you shivering? Don’t need to be so tense…” “Who’s tense? I… I’m not tense!” he smirks and you lose it! “I’ll show you tense!”
  • You grab one of the paints and rub it in his face,  that shit is probably expensive, but do you care? He’s rich anyways… he looks serious! Uh oh…
  • Then you get caught by surprise when he throws paint at you! And this become a paint war!
  • You two roll in the floor getting paint everywhere, and you’re both laughing. “God, I thought you were so uptight! I had no idea you had it on you… maybe that’s why I love you so much and…” shit! You got a little carried away there…
  • “Well, I guess I have to keep showing you new sides of me for you to love me even more, then…” seriously… this guy…
playing with fire (5) | taehyung

Originally posted by sugapium

genre: fluff, fuckboy taehyung, smut

pairing: taehyung x reader 

summary: you knew what you were in for, but it was too late to get out. besides, it’s not like you wanted to anyways. 

last chapter: part four 



   Lately, you were starting to like Taehyung’s company. He was more chill around you, and not as annoying as he used to be. But also his annoying and childish side was adorable to watch. You couldn’t believe it yourself. Not too long ago, you despised this boy for being able to breathe. Now the two of you were becoming somewhat, friends


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(Request) Save Me, Keep Me

Title: Save Me, Keep Me

Characters: Negan x you/Reader

Requested by: @jeffreydeanmorganownsme

The reader is rather young (between 20 and 25) and she has been living her last months in the company of a man she hated, for he had created nothing but trouble in the group she had and basically made all her friends die for his bad decisions.

Warnings: NSFW, 6k+ words, filthy smut I guess lol

Note: Looooooooong overdue request! Sorry it took me so long to get this up ugh. Anyway, this was requested by my fave girl and I hope you’d like this! There’s more details to this request but that’s basically the summary of it. To be honest, this isn’t my best piece and I apologize. Please forgive me if this sucks lol.

Surviving.

Fending for yourself was something you were weak at and you totally hated yourself for that. World’s gone to shit and it’s been shit for a few years now and yet you were still struggling. It wasn’t easy to just fight off the dead and for some reason, you never got used to it. The fact that you had to stay with a man you hated in order to survive made you hate yourself even more.
Jake had been a part of your survival team from the beginning and although he was a good fighter, he brought trouble along with him. He played the part of a leader, a terrible leader to be exact. He never listened to any of you and always did things on his own, which eventually led to everyone you know, dead. Now you were stuck with him simply because you want to survive, you needed to.

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Guys My Age (Yoongi x Reader)

Summary: “Guys my age don’t know how to touch me, don’t know how to love me good…” After dumping her cheating, chronically-stoned boyfriend, Y/N Y/L/N swears she’s fucking DONE with guys her age. Enter Min Yoongi, Y/N’s old crush– who also happens to be her father’s coworker. Y/N and Yoongi run into each other at a club, where Y/N’s only goal is to come for the first time in months. Yoongi is more than happy to help her reach it.

Warnings: SMUT, cursing, age-gap

Word count: 6,034

A/N: Has anyone noticed my Hey Violet obsession yet? I’m thinking of doing something for “Unholy” next after I finish my “to-be-completed” list… let me know what u think ;) Follow for more or subscribe to me on AO3, where I’m listed as MelWinchester/PichiWrites. notes and reblogs help me out ever so much! Love love love <3 (gif not mine)

Originally posted by hidden--demons


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I wrote this directly after I left my first Harry Styles concert. My emotions were more elevated, and now that I’ve had some time to sit and reflect, I feel a little less raw. Keep that in mind.

I definitely got carried away, just needed to type it out, I guess. It seems a bit mad, and I’m slightly hesitant to post, but maybe someone else can resonate and understand.

Music does fucking weird things to you, man.

Warning: it’s pretty aggressive in terms of “I miss this fucking boyband so much, I cry about it,” but you all know.

It’s not just a boyband.

You get it.


I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th.

Several people have asked me for an update.

First disclaimer: this is less of a concert play-by-play and more of a word vomit. About One Direction. About Harry. About the hiatus, the crazy shit it’s made me feel over the past two years, the future. All a bunch of nonsense - or maybe not - thoughts.

Honesty hour ensues.


Let me preface this by saying I’m grateful. So beyond grateful for all my experiences. I won’t take advantage of that. I never have. Never will.


One Direction holds an interesting pull over millions of people. Me included. I fell in love with them on a whim - it wasn’t intentional. I don’t understand it. I can’t make sense of it. I can’t explain to others why I’m so invested. But at this point, I don’t bother with an explanation. I love to love them.

“One Direction is broken up. You still listen to them?” The amount of times I’ve heard this. I’m homesick for people who don’t know I exist. Moderately crazy, but shows the extent of the soul this band put into their music and performances and relationships with each other. And us. I feel tied to it.

Is any other fandom like this? I don’t know. Nor will I ever know.


Anyone who knows me knows I’ve had a very difficult time with the whole “solo” endeavor. One Direction is the biggest and most important part of my early 20’s, and for it to stop so abruptly and without any closure has taken an embarrassing toll on me. My best friend and I have become sickeningly close during our travels - we’ve experienced seven shows together, one of which was out the country - and to me, One Direction concerts became a place to make some of our deepest memories that no one else can replicate, or understand. I met friends - my Rita - through this band. I met you guys. It’s been two years of wondering and waiting if and when they would make a return into our lives, and then. Instead. We got solo Harry. Full force.

I understand the point of the break. I get it. Overworked. Shit management. I’ve exhausted the topic in my own mind, and with others. Doesn’t mean I’m jumping for joy over it. I’m a 1d stan at heart; I support them as individuals, but when it comes down to it, my loyalties lie with the band.

I’ll be candid and real, which I’m often not on this blog. I initially jumped on the “1d went on hiatus because of Harry” bandwagon. My original logic: he said he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who had solid plans. Louis said he fought it. Niall said he wasn’t ready for it. And after closely paying attention to hundreds of interviews since 2015, Harry has clearly showed his gratitude toward the band - don’t get me wrong - but he’s the only one who hasn’t talked about a return date. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to give false hope. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want anyone to read too much into his words. Maybe he’s moved on. Whatever the case, I shied away from his career at the beginning and couldn’t get excited like everyone else seemed to be. It hurt my heart to see him so happy and thriving away from the pieces that helped him with his start, his life. Honestly, I know I would have felt hesitant about whoever happened to go fully solo first (Zayn doesn’t count - that’s a very different situation). Sure, Niall and Louis had singles out last year, but it’s not the same as embracing a new album, a new identity. It just so happened to be Harry first.

Second disclaimer: I hate that the band isn’t together, but I could never hate any direct member for that. Ever. No one is specifically responsible. And I know that.

My vision is clouded. Selfishly, I didn’t want Harry (or any of them, really) to fall out of love with the past because I wasn’t ready to fall out of love with it. It’s brought me so much joy and love and laughter and experiences. It feels like I’m begging please don’t move on without me. I’ve found a major piece of myself because of this band, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I now feel a little lost. Being 25 is weird enough in itself, in terms of career and relationships and generally just being, and now take away the part that gave me stability and my independence, and I’m just. Wandering. Waiting for something to happen to make me feel as happy as One Direction did.

Reading that back sounds ridiculous. But I’m not the only one here.

I know what this looks like, what it sounds like. I know how skewed my perspective is. I’m doing my best to fix it.


I have Harry’s album memorized. I love a few songs, like a few, dislike a few. I guess that goes for every album. His style has changed from what we’re used to, as has some of his lyrics, but the quirkiness is still the same. The heart is still there. I knew it would be.

I was overwhelmed walking into the show. It’s been over two years since I’ve seen a member of 1d on stage in front of me. I had high expectations - expectations for his performance, expectations about how I wanted to feel once it was over. The venue was beautiful. It was the perfect place to listen to this album live for the first time. Echoey and full of charm and personality. Crystals. Velvet couches in the box seating area. Marbles floors and winding staircases. Pink hues across the stage. Simple, effective lighting. Harry. All Harry. No more crowds by the thousands, no more booming music, no more larger than life stage. Somehow, I felt more anxious.

He did not disappoint. But then again, I didn’t expect him to. For the past three years, he’s always done the best job at captivating my attention whilst performing. Nothing has changed in that sense.

It felt like the final nail in the coffin for 1d, kind of. My friend’s words. It’s too hard to imagine him doing this and then going back to a place where he doesn’t get to 100% put his whole self into what he’s doing, and has to share and compromise on ideas. I understand that. It would be counterproductive to work backwards. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would definitely feel less organic.

Not just for Harry. For all of them.

Doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith, though.

“It’s been two years since we’ve last seen each other,” he said, “and in those two years, I missed you so much.”

I cried from the moment I sat down until I got back to my hotel room.

I like to be overwhelmed by music. But not like this.

I think part of it is because this was only the fourth night of his tour. It’s still brand new. I’m still not well acquainted with it. New territory, uncharted. I sound so ugly for being so conflicted about solo endeavors, especially when I know there were people who won’t get the chance to see him and I did. I’m grateful, I promise. I’m working meticulously to sort my brain from my heart.

I’m seeing Niall in a few weeks. God help me if I feel this royally fucked over from him, too.


Harry has not left behind his roots. That much was clear. I don’t think I was ever really worried about that part, because he’s pure and kind and appreciates everything in his life for what it is. He would never speak an ill word about 1d. Ever. I don’t think he has any ill words. I sobbed when he performed WMYB. I loathe that song. It felt like a small piece of home, anyway, him using their start as a part of his start. He looked gorgeous. He sounded like a dream. He doesn’t have as much room to prance, but he made do. No catwalk, no problem. I missed his voice. His speaking voice, preaching to the crowds about love and bravery. His terrible jokes. His gratitude. Christ, it felt so good to have him in front of me again.

Kiwi was exceptional. The crowd went off. SOTT was overbearing in a beautiful way. Hearing everyone scream “woman!” all at once was a Goddamn experience. The room was deafening for the entire show.

It wasn’t the same. I didn’t expect it to be, but I wanted it to be.

My friend kept saying, “One Direction is so dead and I couldn’t care less.” I care. I hate the division amongst the fans, amongst the media. “Pick a team.” I don’t want to. Right now, my friend loves Harry more than One Direction as a whole, so she doesn’t understand. I’m not going to try to make her. The crowd chanted “Harry” during the encore, and my heart hurt in the strangest way. I told Rita about it. “Ugh. Just Harry.” I knew she’d understand. She almost always does.

I love Harry Styles. With my entire heart. He was happy on that stage. Even while I stood in the back with my face in my hands, I could see that. I’m happy he’s happy. I love nothing more than a happy Harry. The world is a better place when he’s smiling.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel unsettled.

It’s out of my control. Accept the good that comes along with changes. Something I’m learning. Something I’m sure all five original members of One Direction are also learning.


I’m seeing him again on Saturday, in Boston. I’m hoping the initial shock will be mostly worn off and now that I know what solo 1d feels like, I’ll feel more ready for it. More ready for his sequined suit, his smile, his note changes, his band that isn’t the one we’re all used to, the harmonies that bleed together as if it was fate, the lack of three other boys who I miss terribly.

Maybe he misses them as much as I do.


I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th. He was stunning. He moved me to tears. He ran with a rainbow flag, made us scream about pizza, looked beautiful in the neon pink lights. It wasn’t One Direction. It wasn’t better. It wasn’t worse. It was just different. And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Embrace being different. It’s what Harry does, after all.


I’m profound in the art of making five days worth of clothing fit into one carry on bag. I can memorize new albums in 48 hours if I have the right determination. I’m able to meticulously plan trips to new cities and venues like it’s nobody’s business. I’ve yet to master the ability, however, of separating love and music.

But I guess those are technically the same thing, anyway.


Thank you for a beautiful show, Styles. Thank you for allowing us into your life, for staying true. I’ve missed you, as a whole, as an individual. I’ll see you on Saturday.


Stay tuned for a second update this weekend. I’m sure it will be much different. I’ll be sure to post some photos, as there will “mainly be prancing.” And what a shame it would be to miss that.

xx Shelly