My stomach is in knots right now, and I can’t seem to find my way through it. I just want to hurl. I want to punch walls. I want to scream in his face and tell him how angry I am that he’s left me to handle so much on my own. How angry I am that I am in the position of having to ask him for help at the exact time that he’s put me to the bottom of his priority list. He showed up here unannounced to get Lila - I had no idea he was coming. I’d been told by her that he extended the offer to her that if she wanted to come back over this afternoon to play in the snow, that would be fine, but never any other word about it. So I called him on his lack of communication and he brushed me off, tried to make it a little bit about phone issues, but it’s not the fucking phone. And there was awkwardness talking about our joint bank account and the bills that I’ve always handled paying. He wants to shut that down. This gives me huge panic. I realize I am terrified I won’t be able to support myself. I’ve used that account a few times to buy groceries and a few things I needed for us at the house. Everything just feels like shit. I feel rejected and thrown away and told to go over here and play with my things by myself while he goes on building his new life with her and too bad if my stepdad is dying and I could use some support, it ain’t going to come from him. But he’s too fucking emotionally lazy to say it out loud, and instead just ignores me and hopes I will go away.
I used to feel like part of a team. Not any more.