ugh crush

I never danced
So when all were excited for DJ nights at school
I was very upset
Nobody understood why I just couldn’t move my body, shake a little, smile a whole lot.
Or well I could go down the other route
And be all sexy and show the guys my moves
Sexualizing girls since the age of 10 was not an issue

I would stay at home and have no regrets
But you forced me to come
And your words always melted my inhibitions really quick
So I dressed up and told myself to keep a positive attitude
I showed up and waved at everybody
Got some drinks and small talked with people I would in class never look at once
Checked my phone a 100 times

When the music started,
All the girls came to me
To quickly hand over their bags and cellphones
So I could watch their belongings as I watched them party
Everybody already knew I wouldn’t step on the dance floor
My friends forgot all about me when the music played
I felt so invisible, so unwanted, so insignificant.

The pile of bags just kept growing on the chair beside me,
Many were on my lap,
I just wanted to throw them all and leave.
And so I did
And as I walked out searching for a ride back home
Tears blinded me
Half way home, I felt your phone in my pocket,
I cursed myself and headed back to school.

If this was fiction,
You would have been waiting for me to tell me your true feelings,
You would grab me and take me up to the roof,
You would look at me and recite your love poetry

But instead,
You gave it to me and asked me if it was good enough,
I nodded and smiled still a little hopeful,
But yet again I became completely invisible
You saw her and fell on your knees
And I walked back home that night
Creating a salty river on the streets

2

Dazai & Chuuya // The Camellia flower
The symmetrical beauty and long-lasting quality of the flower have long been appreciated by young lovers as the token for expressing devotion to each other. In the Victorian age, red camellia flowers meant “you are the flame in my heart”. Giving the camellia flower to someone is saying “you are the love of my life”.

how a music crush begins
  • me: *sees male musician*
  • me: meh I guess he's kinda cute
  • male musician: *plays for two seconds*
  • me: YOU ARE LITERALLY APOLLO MY SOULMATE THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN MY ONE LOVE I NEVER DOUBTED YOU WE SHALL MARRY AND HAVE BEAUTEOUS MUSICAL OFFSPRING
I want to hate you for leaving me. I want to hate you for kissing me. I want to hate you for kissing her. I want to hate you for lying to me. I want to hate you for everything you did to me. But I can’t. I can’t and I hate it more than I should hate you
—  I want to hate you//A.G.

You know what kills me every single time? This frame. This frame KILLS me because Erik gets up and sees Christine back in front of him and I swear to god that there is a slight glimmer of hope in his eyes that she came back to him. She came back. And it KILLS ME because after she holds the ring out you can see his hope instantly crushed. And it’s just absolutely heartbreaking