ucb theatre los angeles


My #wcw: The ridiculously talented @maryhollandaise ❤️❤️❤️ Check out her awesome show #thisshowisnotfunny every month @ucbtla ❄️🐒”

❗️❕❗️❕Tat just posted my photo and tagged me! AND this is after she liked my photo, retweeted my tweet, followed me on Instagram and DMed me! I love her! 😵😻💞


We’ve never spoken.

But you take stage after me;
you always pile your hair in a bun
and forget to wear makeup,
so three red dots show on your chin.
Sometimes, backstage, you do cartwheels.
Deep dimples bookend your smile.

For three weeks, I’ve been trying
to find the words to introduce myself;
you would think
that a girl who studies improvisation
would have no trouble
speaking without cue cards.  But

you terrify me.

Because you laugh too loudly
and can’t look people in the eye,
because you trip when you walk
and your singing voice cracks—and yet
I can’t look away.

I find myself humming your name
and when you take stage, I find excuses
to watch.
I’ve never felt so light
as I’ve felt watching you perform.
I’ve never laughed so fully
as I’ve laughed,
sitting in your audience and rehearsing my lines.

Say hello to the letter “thorn”:

It’s based on a rune, it’s a useless substitute for the “th” sound, and it’s why you don’t understand the medieval era.

THIS WEEK: To get a grasp at the enormity of the English language and its bizarreness, host Jack O'Brien is joined on the phone by Susan Bennett, the original voice of Siri, to talk about her time recording every sound in the English language and how programmers put it all together.

Later, Jack is joined onstage at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles by Dan O'Brien, Carmen Angelica and Alex Schmidt. They talk about the history of English, how it combines the best of French and the worst of German, the grammar’s endless nonsensical rules, and some simple things other languages do that we wish we had.

Why The English Siri Had It 4 Times Worse Than The Others

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Watching movies like ‘Speed’ and 'The Negotiator,’ you get the sense that talking a bad guy out of a hostage situation is a lot like being a Jedi. A little, “these aren’t the droids your looking for,” here, a little (insert witty line) there, and bam, you’re making out with the foxy bank teller back at HQ by happy hour.

Now if that were true, we’d all be hostage negotiators, right? But the job isn’t that simple. It’s much more passive than we think and involves a lot more teamwork than just one man walking into a building with only a bullhorn and his gut instinct.

THIS WEEK: To learn what we all get wrong about hostage negotiators, Jack is joined by Chris Voss; author, professor and former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI. (His book, Never Split the Difference, is available from @harpercollins.) They discuss how teamwork and active listening are two of the most important parts of the job, and then Chris explains how hostage negotiation skills can be used in business and in real life.

Also! Make sure to buy tickets to our next live podcast taping where we get heavy and talk about the afterlife, maaan! What if there’s no heaven and hell and we’re all just a hologram inside the mind of an ancient computer simulation? What if the Zoroastrians were right and it doesn’t matter how good you are in your life, you just have to cross a rickety bridge guarded by two four-eyed dogs to reach eternal salvation?Join Jack, Dan, and Michael on Saturday, July 16th at 7pm at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles as they try to figure out what it all means. They’ll be joined by comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer to discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions.

The Hostage Negotiator’s Guide To Human Psychology

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Remember that weirdly overlooked part of The Prestige when Nikola Tesla (played by David Bowie) invents a freaking cloning machine and then sort of disappears because the movie needs to be wrapped up by the two-hour mark?

What happens to Tesla? Where’s the Tesla v. Edison sequel where Tesla is the most powerful man on Earth because he invents cloning in the late-1800s?

THIS WEEK: we recorded LIVE at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles, where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, Dan O'Brien, and Soren Bowie discuss The PrestigeWall-E, the Indiana Jones franchise and a number of other films with awesome sequels that don’t exist, but should.

Great Movie Sequels That Don’t Exist

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It’s time for round 2 in UCB’s Black History Month series! This time we have a little audition advice for you. BE BLACKER.

Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States of America. It’s going to be okay. Sit down, have a cookie, breathe into this bag, and put on your mandatory “Make America Great Again” baseball cap. We’ll survive this, right?

Despite the sun coming up in the morning and life seemingly going on like normal, the world might’ve been forever changed last night. So we needed to break the little glass box, pull the lever, and record an emergency podcast. Jack O'Brien is joined by Jason Pargin (aka David Wong) to make sense of what happened at the polls last night, why we should’ve seen it coming from a mile away, and what we can actively do to prevent this from happening again. As Jason says on the site today, “Do the opposite of Panic. Work through the problem.” It’ll all be okay.

And if we’re still alive this weekend, make sure to catch the next LIVE taping of The Cracked Podcast this Saturday, November 12 at 7 p.m. at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles. Jack O'Brien, Daniel O'Brien, and Michael Swaim will be joined by an expert in psychology to talk about some of the psychological myths everyone seems to believe, like Rorschach tests (sorry, they don’t work), middle child syndrome (not real), and depression (totally real, but antidepressants might not actually work very well). Tickets are only $5, and they’re available here.

What The F**k Just Happened You Guys!?

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There’s the Harold, Lloyd, Maude teams… but what about the Beta teams?

Welcome them. Embrace them. They will steal your heart and your car.

Here are some words you usually don’t find in the same sentence: rocket science, orgies, jet propulsion, and the occult. Believe it or not, the beginning of modern rocket science wasn’t helmed by some nerds in a laboratory, but by a group of rockstar scientists who blew stuff up by day and did drugs and animal sacrifices at night. Jack Parsons was the leader, and in his short life he fought with L. Ron Hubbard over women, led a branch of an occultist religion and founded the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena.

THIS WEEK: Parsons is just one of the many consequential people we discuss on the podcast who shaped the modern era, but had life stories that you wouldn’t believe. Jack O'Brien and Michael Swaim are joined by comedian and host of ‘Paranormal You & Me’ Ryan Singer to delve into the life and beliefs of Parsons, and discuss others such as George Washington’s femme fatale superspy and the Russian officer who prevented the end of the world.

Also make sure to buy tickets to our next LIVE podcast taping on Saturday June 11th at 7pm at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles!

How NASA Was Born Out Of Magic-Loving, Orgy-Having Nerds

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They have GOT to do something about all this censorship. It is getting absurd!

Ever since we started letting friendly wolves and tiny tigers into our homes a few thousand years ago, society has been split into two camps: dog people and cat people. Sometimes the battle lines are drawn across gender lines; the term cat-lady evokes an image in your head in a way cat-man doesn’t. We use the word dog to colloquialize a sly, rakish man. Often we choose sides purely based on what our parents allowed in the house when we were kids.

But rarely we stop to consider all the crazy superpowers our pets have: like how dogs can read human emotions better than other humans can, and how a cat’s purr can improve your bone density.

THIS WEEK: Recorded live at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles, Team Dog (Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien, Cody Johnston), Team Cat (Carmen Angelica, Jake Weisman) and Team Turtle (Alex Schmidt) go back and forth with rarely-known facts about the pets we keep at home to decide who is the ultimate victor in this war that has been waged for millennia. Team Cat will blow up the way you think about the gender binary, and we may decide after it all that the best pet to have is a pig.

We Finally Solved the Dog Vs. Cat Debate

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From ‘Mad Max’ to 'San Andreas’ to 'The Avengers,’ the most popular movies of our times are about how we fear our world will end. We’re obsessed with stories of drought, natural disaster, nuclear war, zombies, aliens and robots. We fear the day science fiction turns into science fact, and while some movie apocalypses are basically pure make-believe, others seem eminently possible.

So what are we doing about the threats of water and energy shortages? And are we destined to play out the doomsday scenarios we see in popular science fiction?

In this special bonus episode taped live at the UCB Sunset theatre in Los Angeles: Jack O'Brien, Alex Schmidt and Michael Swaim are joined by three amazing guests to answer these questions and elaborate on the current state of the end of the world. On the science-fiction front, they’re joined by Akiva Goldsman. And on the real science side, they’re joined by Eric Fitch and Jon Freedman.

Why All Your Favorite Movies Are About The Apocalypse

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Sorry, the Oscars, but you’re old, out of touch and boring. We can see through your failed attempts to reach a new generation: the Anne Hathaway/James Franco catastrophe, the phony (get it?) Ellen DeGeneres selfie stunt that was totally unscripted and Samsung definitely didn’t pay the Oscars $20 million in advance for. Just stop it already. Take a few years off.

In the meantime, we at Cracked have come up with a bunch of new categories that you’re totally free to steal, such as Best Title, Best Running Time, Best Accent and Best Oscar-Bait That Didn’t Get Any Nominations Other Than This One.

THIS WEEK: Recorded live at the UCB Sunset Theatre in Los Angeles, a tuxedoed Jack O'Brien is joined by Cracked’s Dan O'Brien and Alex Schmidt, author Liana Maeby, and actor Stanley Wong of ‘The Big Short’ to brainstorm new categories, solve the Oscar’s race problem, and fix just about everything in time for Sunday’s awards.

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If you haven’t seen Furious 7, you haven’t seen the greatest game of chicken in movie history…

…and the only game of “head-on automotive collision ‘chicken’” to ever bond two adversaries for life.

THIS WEEK: we’re LIVE from the UCB Sunset theatre in Los Angeles! Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Michael Swaim are joined by Soren Bowie, Cody Johnston and Daniel O'Brien to put to rest the worn-out movie cliches that just need to go away, from slow claps to dystopian nonsense to everything about cinematic hacking. We expect Hollywood to take note and change their upcoming slate of films accordingly.

Inexplicable Movie Tropes That Make No Sense

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