u can be my boyfriend leo

The signs as things I've said to my boyfriend
  • Aries: wild zamboni is my stripper name
  • Taurus: its not a party unless there are at least 4 titty
  • Gemini: Here is atiny cheese grater to cheer you up
  • Cancer: Is weed legal on the sun
  • Leo: *sadly hi fives u*
  • Virgo: I started laughing at meme and forgot what I was looking for so this might take a while
  • Libra: I know I showed you the squirrel I saw today but omg can I show you again it was very exciting
  • Scorpio: I am the abdomen of a ho spider
  • Sagittarius: *points to your dick* it's a bat
  • Capricorn: Why do cats so stupid
  • Aquarius: That wasn't zesty sorry
  • Pieces: That's not a word that's 3 prefixes
  • And they all mean the same thing
the signs as things my boyfriend has said/texted to me
  • aries: go babe you can walk in front of me *throws me down a snow pile*
  • taurus: Stop itching, liz's boobies!
  • gemini: everything you do is cute, but like in a disappointing way, still cute though
  • cancer: u give me heart boners
  • leo: are you going to cry? (i say yeah) oh my god, right now?
  • virgo: your hips don't lie? you know what they're telling me? that you're a fucking nerd
  • libra: u can be my big daddy dom if u want
  • scorpio: *talking about restaurants and dates* you know i do like to eat out sometimes
  • sagittarius: you have an issue with three trombones but not tangerine?
  • capricorn: ur father can kindly eat my entire ass
  • aquarius: fight me babe, i'll throw ur sorry butt out a window
  • pisces: you just got an electric shock, and you got horny?
the signs as things my art teacher has said
  • aries: 100 pounds of native limestone, which i may or may not have acquired by unsavory means (code for illegal)
  • taurus: *drops an entire handful of almonds on the floor and picks them up anyway* it's just like putting salt on it
  • gemini: a big box is just a little box hiding inside a big box
  • cancer: hickeys are bad. hickeys lead to other stuff. bad stuff. no hickeys
  • leo: and i was just standing there in the driveway with all these rocks surrounding it when my wife pulled in, and i'm all proud like yeah, like a cat that dragged a dead animal up to the porch, i'm like look what i did!
  • virgo: go out in the world and create data! measurable quantifiable data!
  • libra: *points at me and my boyfriend while a very sensual reggae song is playing in the background* this ones for u
  • scorpio: *about the nickel oxide in the closet (which can give u lung lesions)* this is a good find!
  • sagittarius: and we were like riding around on segways and playing ping pong and they were all like "come on guys, you gotta get on this. we gotta get working on this" and we were like "nah man"
  • capricorn: *makes his hands into claws and hisses at me*
  • aquarius: and my wife was like "if you go into that person's yard and steal that stick, i will divorce you" and i was like "but i really gotta have that stick"
  • pisces: all the music today talks about butts and twerking and all that stuff. it numbs their brains