1. These “Three Years from Now” flash-forwards are not engaging, they’re ridiculous and tiresome. I feel like JP watched How To Get Away With Murder and went, THAT’S SO COOL WE SHOULD DO THAT TOO. Out of your league, boo. You can’t make it work.
2. I love how they made Caroline bring up Alaric being an occult studies professor like that means anything. His field was history, guys. Isobbel was the one who was the expert on the occult. If his tenure in MF is what makes him qualified to be an occults expert, then they’re all occult experts. Moving on.
3. NO ONE TELLS EACH OTHER ANYTHING ANYMORE and the show wants us to believe they’re all still close? Caroline didn’t call Stefan with what happened regarding possibly being pregnant with Alaric’s Gemini babies, Matt has to call Caroline to ask where Bonnie is and she knows but doesn’t know or cared to ask WHY Bonnie went with Enzo even though they NEVER spent any time together and Caroline was recently kidnapped by Enzo? And Matt is JUST telling her about the compelled humans? Yeah OK.
4. Did the show really make Lily say that she and Stefan/Damon can be friendly in the spirit of Thanksgiving if the “Pilgrims and Indians” could do so and make Damon point out that Indians are called “Native Americans” and that it was a racial slur without pointing out the fact that Thanksgiving essentially celebrates colonialism and genocide? Mmkay.
5. So Stefan can tell Lily but not Caroline? He can’t even bring Caroline in on the plan? What?
6. WHY WOULD BONNIE EVEN GO WITH ENZO? LIKE WHY? WHAT IS HER MOTIVATION? And considering that she and Damon are supposed to be besties and he is a lot stronger than Matt and has more of an investment in Julian then MAYBE she should’ve told him? WHAT?
7. “Is that a hint of concern for me that I hear in your voice?” “Careful, Damon, I might to start think you actually care” they are literally trying to make a poor man’s Bamon.
8. Like I CARE about Giuseppe. And the past Salvatore thanksgivings. This is boring. And I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s that dark that Giuseppe forced Damon to eat his pet turkey, I mean, I guess? Maybe if I’d seen his anguish as he killed his turkey and THEN him at the dinner table looking at his plate sickened and angry and sad that he had to eat it then OK but just showing us the plate of food and Damon going, “please do not make me eat this” has NO. PUNCH.
9. Stefan and Damon tying Lily up and trying to talk sense to her about her bad taste in men is again way too Oedipal for my liking and also reminds me of when they tried to torture reason into Elena. Like stop it.
10. I mean, why even have them be vampires? There is nothing vampiric about them. This is One Tree Hill with occasional magic when it suits the plot.
11. That guitar-as-sex metaphor was ridiculous.
12. Caroline’s rant to Valerie about how she got “Poor Alaric’s” hopes up by convincing him that Caroline was pregnant with his twins when the pregnancy test said she wasn’t is an example of what is wrong with this show. Caroline isn’t mad at the thought that someone impregnated her without her consent or knowledge, she isn’t thinking about what it would mean for her to carry three children, she’s just focused on Alaric, the man’s, pain? I’m sick of it TVD.
13. Oh yes more flashbacks that are meant to justify why Damon is Damon. Like fucking hell, can we do something NEW, writers? I also like how Child Stefan barely speaks in this and how Damon just ALWAYS wanted to protect Stefan. LOL OK, SURE.
14. Because it’s me, I’m taking a moment to appreciate Paul in mid-wash blue jeans and a black sweater, those shoulders … *sigh* HE IS SO HOT THIS SEASON, the ONLY good thing.
15. It is utterly ridiculous that Enzo and Julian were in the woods having a swordfight over Lily. Like that is ridiculous.
16. Oh mute Beau. I like how his treatment is blatantly racist but the writers want to pat themselves on the back because they put in a line where Damon corrects Lily on the use of the word Indian.
17. I know in the books Giuseppe was a tyrant but in season 1 they simply made him stern and prejudiced against vampires. Stefan tried to sway Giuseppe into looking at vampires differently because he thought he could trust him with Katherine’s secret. If he was as cruel as the show makes him out to be now then Stefan would’ve never would’ve tried to sway him. Next.
18. Bonnie babysitting a drunk Alaric surprise sur-fucking-prise.
19. I know it’s intentional that Valerie and Caroline have more of a relationship right now than Caroline and Stefan but it’s kind of ridiculous. I mean, why even have Steroline be together if they’re not going to BE together?
20. Lily is SO not worth any of this trouble and I don’t get why we’re supposed to think she is or why we’re supposed to think they think she is because it isn’t there.
21. The show gives NO reason as to why Bonnie would be so pressed about Enzo getting over Lily and getting him to not treat her like a prize. The way she stares at him as they drink — first of all, it would NEVER happen that Enzo would just show up to the bar she HAPPENS to be at and drink with her, like at least put some fucking AWKWARDNESS there to sell the scene instead of making it seem like it’s completely normal for them to do this — like she keeps looking at Enzo the way Elena looked at Damon when she was Sired to him, like she’s going to wet herself with excitement every time he speaks to her and THAT. ISN’T. BONNIE. especially not for Enzo. Like why are we just supposed to believe Bonnie is acting his way around him? Is it just because he’s hot??? Because Bonnie spent six years around hot men and NEVER, NEVER acted this way, there is NO REASON FOR THIS. I wouldn’t be so adamantly anti-bonenzo if the writing was THERE and at least TRIED to make sense of the pairing but this is just fucking ridiculous! He moves onto Bonnie because he had a sword fight with Julian over Lily and Lily chooses Julian so it’s time for him to move on and Bonnie just happens to be there. It has absolutely nothing to do with Bonnie as a person. Can I also say that Kai is the only one who attributes personality traits to Bonnie like being a survivor and being plucky and who tells her to do things like shut out the criticism around her and focus? He actually saw her as a PERSON?
22 … so because of the crappy wifi I didn’t get to watch the last 7 or so minutes of TVD and there’s probably some “revelation” like omg the pregnancy test was wrong and Caroline IS pregnant with Alaric’s twins but I don’t care enough to watch the last few minutes and that’s basically my last thought on the episode: Meh. This episode wasn’t even so bad that it makes my blood boil and I have to rant about everything they did wrong, it was just mediocre bad, like dull, like boring. And that is as they say is that.