typed label

Labels?

Customer: What is it with you kids and your labels!?!

Me: ….. you think we want to have labels? We use them as shields against a society that doesn’t listen to No.

Customer: Well fine. But don’t shove it in everyone else’s face, am I right?

Me: You’ve been coming to this store for 8 months now and know almost nothing about me, correct?

Customer: …. yes?

Me: But I can fix that rather quickly. I’m a Slytherin, INTP, Aromantic, Asexual who borders on being Schizoid.

Regular Customer sitting at close table: Holy shit, everything makes sense now!

Me: *points to the Regular* My point.

Customer: *stuttering*

Me: We use labels to cut corners in getting to know a person in a fast paced and impersonal society. Not because we want to seem like special, unique little snowflakes.

Coworker: If you haven’t researched those labels it basically means that she is a mildly evil robot who can be defeated with a hug from the right person. Relatable to a cat.

Me: ………. She’s rude but not wrong.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Today I witnessed men mocking a woman for having hairy legs and underarms. I have something to say about this.

Firstly, the shaving of legs is a new fashion trend. It was done a bit in the 20′s, but honestly, it wasn’t until the forties that anyone gave a damn. Before that, no one saw your legs, because they wee covered in skirts. Men didn’t even know women HAD legs.

Slight exaggeration, but still quite meaningful.

In the last 70 years, men have gone from not knowing and not caring one bit about female body hair, to completely transforming their ideal feminine counterpart into a hairless model. Men like to tout masculinity as being impervious, but I’ll warrant you, you can watch them evolve with the feedback of marketing scams run on their little mammalian brains.

Did Queen Victoria have shaved legs…well, let’s first establish that yes, she did actually have legs. But were they hairless? During her 60-odd year reign, did she employ some servant to come pluck out her hairs?

Did Queen Elizabeth have hairless legs? 44 years of reign, at the time the longest reigning monarch of British history, but no, you’re right. She probably had the Lady of the Royal Chamber rake on a good lather before she went out in her Spanish farthingale.

Did Cleopatra have a straight razor? Did Helen of Troy? These are two women who literally destroyed nations with their beauty and the lust men had for them. Do you think they had shaved legs? What about their underarms?

Now, yes, there were traditions of removing hair. The Roman women, for example, plucked their hair out of their underarms, but I promise you…no one sat about for hours having their legs plucked with tweezers. And if they did, they had a lot of time and money to spare.

Do you know who Boudicca is? She was an Icenian queen during the first century. She led a rebellion against Roman factions at Londinium. 

Famously, she said, “This is done with the resolve of a woman. Men may live as slaves if they wish.”

She leveled three Roman outposts, well-established settlements. And came to Londinium with an army decked out in stolen Roman arms. They razed the city to the ground with fires so thick that an ash layer still exists in the stria of the City of London to this very day. As she rode through the old city on her chariot, with her Roman spear in hand, poised to launch it through the throat of a fleeing patrician, did she pause her assault to wonder…

Did I shave my legs for this?

As the man fell to the ground, choking on his own blood and the ash from the searing fires, do you think he looked up at this queen, this woman defiant and majestic, and thought, “Ye gods, what hirsuit underarms!”

I wonder how many plucked Roman women were trampled by that carriage.

I wonder if Anne Bonny, the notorious pirate ever was mocked by her male crew for having a fluffy undercarriage.

I wonder if when Annie Oakley, at 15, beat her crackshot future husband at a shooting contest, he looked at her little knees and thought, “Not this one. She’s too furry.”

I wonder if Anne Boleyn was beheaded for wearing a pair of furry britches beneath her skirts.

I wonder, if while He suckled as an infant, resplendent in holy fire and divinity, the newborn Jesus Christ, tucked His wee face to the crook of His Virgin Mother’s arm and let out a squeal at the ghastly sight of her unshaven underarms. Or if when He was installing himself in her abdomen, He gave a moment’s pause to think, “Dear Me, what am I doing, shoving myself into this horribly hairy wench?”

The answer to all of these is…No. Of course not, you fucking idiot.

Body hair exists for a reason, you stupid semi-hairless apes. Don’t you ever wonder why you still have it? I will tell you why. It provides necessary warmth, not just with insulation, but with the way your anatomy functions. Air catches the hairs and lifts them, causing a tickle that forces the follicle to swell into goose flesh, warming the skin through motion. It provides protection from the sun. And in the regions where it is thickest, it guards against the elements, keeps out parasites, and keeps your sensitive areas like your eyes, from being drowned in sweat. It even cushions and reduces the likelihood of heat rashes and chafing in the parts of you that touch. Hair is important. It wasn’t just Sampson who gained strength from it.

And I wonder, if while Sampson was laid low, his power sapped, if he looked up at the gorgeous Delilah with her treacherous shears and thought… “Why didn’t she pluck her eyebrows!”

Power is walking into a room with nothing in hand, and doing just fine.

Beauty is standing as you are, but embodying all that is graceful and powerful about the female condition.

And judging a woman on a trend that is younger then my oldest knee-length hemline is an act of such supreme stupidity and transient masculinity that I cannot even describe how ridiculous I find it. But men are the ones who are rational, yes? Men and all their manly manliness are immune to fads and trends and “girly fashion shit”, right, “bruh”?

Women have hair on their bodies same as you. You seem to do just fine wearing yours. Why do you begrudge her hers?

I say we start a new trend, where females begin to harass the worst offenders for having hairy legs. I shan’t be pleased if in 70 years, I am not seeing all men in shorts looking like the backside of a baby from the knee down. I want to see hordes of women tracking down these men who label a type of deception as beauty, and demanding they carve off their top layer of skin and fur. I want to hear these men who cannot see valor, fortitude, strength, and hair as beautiful, squeak when they walk.

And then I want all humans to embrace that which makes them soft and healthy, and stop rewriting history by turning it into one inglorious quest for vanity.

The Color Red - Steve Rogers x Reader - Soulmate!AU

Originally posted by ohevansmycaptain

Summary: Everyone is born colorblind, that meaning you live a black and white life. The main 6 colors in a persons life are the classics. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple. Each time you live a significant moment of your life, a new color comes into play.

Red: Your Soulmate
Orange: Worst Enemy
Yellow: First Heartbreak
Green: Biggest Role-Model
Blue- Best Friend
Purple: Self-Acceptance

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word count: 3.2k

Warning: Brock Rumlow is his typical asshole self in this one-shot, otherwise I think it’s fine besides cursing and such.

A/N: Requests are open and I absolutely am open to anything! I love speaking to you guys and receiving any type of feed back so please don’t hesitate to send an ask, message or comment (:

« New Updated Masterlist (with future works!!) »

Keep reading

I have added a new label set to my Etsy. I have many nerds in my life and created these two labels for them when I gift items this Christmas! I find these particularly fun because all my knit items are enchanted…at least to me haha.

I sell several different types of labels all for $1.99 and you can print them off as many times as you wish. I also customize labels, sell patterns, finished knit items, and commissions! So take a look if you wish! :)

Solicitous // Cheryl

Summary: With Cheryl grieving her brothers death you’re the only one there for her, no one stands by her side. Her parents adore you but they don’t know the truth of your relationship with Cheryl either. With the danger of a killer roaming Riverdale, Cheryl’s ever more jealous and protective.

Characters: Cheryl Blossom x Andrews!Reader, Archie Andrews (mentioned), Jughead Jones (mentioned), Veronica Lodge, Betty Cooper,  Penelope Blossom (mentioned), and Cliff Blossom (mentioned)

Words: 978

Disclaimer: I do not own Riverdale or the characters. I do not own the Comics either.

Warnings: Possible swearing, mention of murder, crying/grieving, implied romantic same sex (female) relationship, and allusion to oral sex

Author: Caitsy

Requested: @gemini-indecisiveness

Tagging: At the bottom

Master List

Prompt List

ASK US A QUESTION LIST

Originally posted by riverdales-daily

When you reached adolescence you promised yourself you wouldn’t label yourself anymore. You had a lot of labels growing up in the footsteps of your brother Archie, you were the only female in the house following your mom’s abandonment. You were stamped with labels that you didn’t care for.

The sexual orientation label was the one you hated the most with the words placing you in the world where it deemed fit. That’s why when Veronica had asked if you were straight, you admired her bluntness, you had shrugged not caring.

The next day at lunch after the tryouts for cheerleading you had placed yourself between Betty and Veronica. Cheryl was busy planning new routines and you wanted more friends that weren’t total bitches.

“You’re gorgeous!” Veronica grinned, “How do you get your hair to shine like that?”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

can i request a ten, taeyong, and haechan neighbour au?? hehe i really love your writing a lot < 3

ten’s birthday is next week, so here’s a kind of early gift to all you ten stans!!
and of course, taeyong and haechan stans~(´・` )♡
find mark + jaehyun (here)

Ten

  • definitely,,,,,, loud
  • he throws parties on the weekends and practices guitar on the weekdays while also getting REALLY R E A L L Y into nba 2k17,,,,,,
  • especially if johnny comes over like the two of them cannot shuttup and neighbors always have to go over and be like “quiet down” and johnny apologizes while ten just sneers and is like “YEAH JOHNNY WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD” and johnny is like “i swear once this door is closed-”
  • but he’s FUN,,,,,like there is not denying that he’s an entertaining, amusing, and great person like why else would his apartment be basically filled to the brim with people who he probably doesn’t even know all that well
  • yeah the snacks,,,,,but also like?? ten makes great jokes, he’s good at making everyone feel comfortable, and his dancing: a+
  • he’s the whole package,,,,,,,,,even though his place is a mess monday morning and he has to practically beg taeyong and jaehyun to come over and help him clean
  • and he once tried to ask hansol and hansol was like “you brought this on yourself lolololol” and the proceeded to hang up on him whenever ten tried to call him back (real friends are like this tbh)
  • speaking of which ten has ,,,,, like no idea how to keep his things organized,,,,,,,,because he has so much stuff like every time he leaves his house he’s wearing a brand new outfit 
  • and everyone is like bro you spend way too much money on clothes,,,,,why do you need so much and ten is like Firstly: it’s fashion you Wouldn’t Get It,,,,,,,,secondly someone stole some of my pants from my last party ok leave it alone
  • but his apartment itself is pretty cool, like somehow he got mark to ask renjun to come over and paint on his wall and it turned out really cool and ten’s the type to have fancy stuff for no reason like did you really need to buy a lamp that looks like a chandelier and ten is like yeah i did bye
  • cute lil secret: he keeps letters from his parents back in thailand in a shoebox in his locked closet so it’s safe because it’s the one thing he refuses to lose,,,,,,,,,,,
  • but you know ten if not because you have to listen to the music he blasts at each of his parties and him yell at his friends when they play games but also,,,,,,,,,on multiple occasions
  • ten has come to you for help
  • with many,,,,,,,,,,different,,,,,,,,thing
  • one of the most common is he always ends up needing a place to crash for the night because someone else fell asleep in his bed,,,,,,and his couch,,,,,,,,and on his floor. then there was the time he woke up with his head in a bowl of uneaten ramen and the noodles had gotten stuck in his ear piercings and you had to get them out while ten cried about how gross that was,,,,,and of course the most famous: ten gets tipsy and Emotional and you,,,,,,,well
  • you listen to him
  • mind you in the morning when he’s all better ten is just like “hEY thanks for letting me cry and ,,,,,,,,, stuff let’s never talk about this again!!!!”
  • and you feel bad because ,,,,,,,lmao you’re just his neighbor who also knows his deepest insecurities and fears and it’s like????? you never have the heart to get mad at him for knocking on your door at 2 am
  • but also,,,,,,you like then ten that is open with his feelings. the ten that cuddles into your arm face first and mumbles that you’re so sweet to him, so kind
  • but when ten,,,,,,is being his loud, fun self he’s not exactly that person
  • until you end up being the one in need of help,,,,,knocking on ten’s door at some odd hour and he opens it, shocked to see you and you’re like
  • “where is your alcohol stash,,,,,,,,give it it to me” and ten slows you down by catching you around the waist and he’s like “are you o-?” and you’re like NOPE IM NOT ,,,,,,give me,,,,,,,,,the,,,,,,,,drinks 
  • but ten isn’t letting you go and he’s like “sit down, tell me whats up” and you grumble that it doesn’t matter, trying to hide behind your hair a bit so he can’t see that you had been crying 
  • but ten just shakes his head and he’s like “c’mon,,,,,i know you listen to me when i come sobbing over to you,,,,,,tell me what it is”
  • and you’re like “ten,,,,,,,,,,,do you even see me as a friend? or am i just the closest person near you when you have to complain?” 
  • and it’s quiet and ten kind of looks at you, but then he gently pokes the center of your forehead and he’s like “of course you’re my friend,,,,,,to be honest,,,,,,,ive always thought of you as more than that. to me,,,,like i want,,,,,,,want you to be more than a friend but,,,,,,,i know you don’t feel that way so i just wanted to be close to you,,,,,,,,”
  • and for the first time you’re hearing ten stutter over his words (when he’s not drunk) and you’re like “wait wait wait stop”
  • and you put your finger to his lips and he’s like ??? and you’re like
  • “you want me to be more than your friend?” and ten is like ,,,,,,,, “how,,,,,,,,,well,,,,,,let me say it like this it’s hard not to fall for the person who pulled ramen out of my earrings for me.”
  • and you’re blinking a bit, completely forgetting the thing that made you upset because wait. is ten confessing??????
  • and you’re like “so you like me?” and he’s like “yes, i like you. i thought bothering you all the time made that obvious”
  • and you’re like aljfkddkskre it didnt,,,,,,and ten is like “huh, did you also not hear when johnny screamed ‘GO CONFESS TO THE PERSON NEXT DOOR THAT YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH THEM YOU IDIOT’???”
  • and you’re like holy shit no i missed that too
  • and ten is like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,how

Taeyong 

  • the model neighbor 
  • as in he looks like an actual model, and is also super clean and quiet and ??? just very overly polite like he just wants people to like him ya know?????
  • he’s barely home because he’s always over at his friends houses doing their chores because they never want to,,,,,,like when taeyong explained that you have to change your bedsheets at least every three weeks ten dam near had a heart attack because he was like “ive been sleeping on just my mattress for the past 7 months” and taeyong was like HOW ARE YOU A PERSON
  • taeyong loves cute stationary, and cute mugs, and owns an apron with little kitten embroidered on the side and those hanging plants that he decorated his bedroom with and idk he’s got like,,,,,,a clock that looks like a sunflower
  • like taeyong,,,,,,,,is just a boy who loves things that make his apartment more adorable and clean
  • owns every cleaning product imaginable and dedicated a whole closet to them
  • the type to have labels on all his cupboards and shelves and you open his refrigerator and everything is labeled it’s like,,,,,,how does he have the damn nerve to do this
  • also: uses coasters for his drink because he gets anxious about drinks spilling onto his rug
  • but yeah other than that,,,,he’s kinda awkward around most people,,,,but he does his best to smile and come off sweet
  • and you’ve seen him,,,,,,lugging home like three different brands of detergent and a new mop every week and you’re like huh so he’s super,,,,,,like,,,,,,,into cleaning
  • which you’re like is fine but you,,,,,after only recently moving in,,,,hasn’t even unpacked half your things yet and everytime your friends from your original hometown call you’re like (—: im an adult. my apartment is nice and sparkly and im doing fine
  • (this is a lie. you’ve been living off fast-food and half your stuff is still in boxes)
  • which is why when your best friend says she’ll be visiting tomorrow you’re like HOLD UP
  • and you know just the person to go a solicit help from. taeyong
  • and when you knock on his door he’s like surprised because you two have never held a solid conversation
  • and he is like “oh hello, i know we’ve never properly-”
  • and you’re like “you have 309458 mops right. you got a duster,,,,,,thing,,,,,,,,right”
  • and he’s like “feather duster?” and you’re like YEAH THAT,,,,,,,listen i need help now
  • and when you explain that you (being the lazy person we ALL are) didn’t unpack or clean or do anything and your friend is coming tomorrow and you don’t want to look like a Failure of an Adult in front of her,,,,,,,well taeyong kind of looks at you and is like 
  • “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,fine ill get the swivel sweeper”
  • and you guys spend like 7 hours getting your things unpacked and taeyong is really good at like????? decorating and he’s like “OH i have the peRFECT thing”
  • and he runs over to his place and comes back holding this cute like paper weight in the shape of like a giraffe and he puts it on your desk and you’re like “,,,,,,,,,,what is that” and he’s like “are you really an adult?”
  • but he helps you a lot and it’s kind of fun, he has like,,,,,,,,a really nice laugh you made a pun about like cleaning and he almost fell over laughing it was really,,,,,,,,,,cute
  • and once you’re done you’re like how should i thank you
  • and he’s like “it’s fine, you don’t have to!!”
  • and you’re like,,,,,,,,,,but i should but he’s like really no it’s nothing
  • but even after he leaves,,,,,,you’re like this is mean he worked so hard for me
  • and it bugs you, even after you friend comes over and is like WOW this place is so clean im impressed
  • that you end up going out and buying one of those cute little home humidifiers and you’re like “this seems taeyong-ish”
  • and you knock on his door again and he’s like “oh!!! do you need to borrow my mo-” and you’re like “here!!!!!! it’s a small gift,,,,,,but i thought you might like it,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
  • and he looks down at the bag and he gets super duper red and he’s like “i,,,,,,,,i can’t accept this,,,,,,,it’s too much,,,,,,”
  • and you’re like ashofvd you spent SIX HOURS cleaning my house for me pleASE 
  • and finally you manage to get taeyong to take the gift and you’re like “anyway,,,,,,,,,,seriously thank you”
  • and taeyong kind of hesitates but he’s like
  • “do you,,,,,,,,,,,,wanna come inside,,,,,,,,,i don’t usually let people over but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
  • and you’re like huh oh sure!!! and ok his house looks like a palace there isn’t any dirt anywhere
  • and when he makes you a cup of tea there’s like little cute bears on the mug and you’re looking at the cup and at taeyong’s beautiful face and you
  • can’t help but giggle and he’s going red again like,,,,,,,am i funny?? are you laughing at me??
  • and you’re like “no no no you’re just so,,,,,,,,,,much cuter than i expected!!”
  • and taeyong damn near falls over,,,,,,,you called him CUTE?!?!?! and you’re like “i didn’t think someone so chic would be into little cute animals” and taeyong is like im not,,,,,,chic,,,,,,,,plus animals are so,,,,,adorable right
  • and you’re like omg taeyong you i should have gotten you a big stuffed bear and he’s like aGHDSd no,,,,,,i love what you got me don’t worry about it
  • and he’s so cute getting nervous and staring at his lap,,,,,,,you can’t help but wanna lean over and like kiss his face but you don’t 
  • even though tbh taeyong is like,,,,,,,,,i wouldn’t mind being kissed by them,,,,,,,,like in his head LOL

Haechan

  • thought he was old enough to be totally fine living alone. and he is,,,,,,,except he goes over to everyones house for his meals and got mark’s netflix password so he didn’t have to pay for it himself
  • how many times has yuta lent him his nintendo ds? like 32424234
  • jaehyun is convinced haechan took his ricecooker,,,,,,,,,but he has no way to prove it except that haechan was like “nooo hyung i got this at the mall on sale i promise!!!!” and jaehyun is like “then where did mine disappear to?” and haechan is like thats your problem,,,,so,,,,,,
  • but it’s ok because everyone adores him because if he wants something all he has to do is be a cute kid and bam! he gets it
  • and although he’s a little trickster, and sometimes his hyungs fall into his traps. he shows that he cares for them too
  • and especially for his friends that are younger, like when chenle and jisung come over to hangout haechan will literally be like “if you stay past 10. you have to sleepover. im not letting you go out in the dark.”
  • and he knows how taeyong hates messes so he brought coasters just for him and he always has snacks that he knows mark likes 
  • like YES he can be a bit of ,,,,,,,,,,, a devil but he’s a sweetheart too
  • his apartment isn’t full of too many toys or anything he actually has a pretty mature taste
  • and if anything he just really likes having a space for him to write and think clearly because to me, haechan is really creative and so he’d like a big desk with post-its and books full of ideas,,,,he just comes off that way
  • but he’d have some like cute joke stuff like a really bad photo of johnny framed and on his bookshelf or something LOL
  • also idk why,,,,,,but haechan seems like he’d have a dog,,,,,like a corgi,,,,,or a beagle,,,,,,,,, 
  • anyway you’re really close with haechan because you love love love teasing doyoung and mark and jaehyun 
  • you guys kind of bonded over pulling harmless pranks together 
  • and so for ten’s upcoming birthday you and him decided to make cookies but to fill some up with hot sauce or wasabi just to see ten run around the room arms flailing 
  • but as you know,,,,,,doing anything with haechan can’t be a calm and clean process
  • halfway through you try to feed him some vanilla extract saying it’s melted white chocolate and he tries to get some icing on the side of your face
  • but it’s all fun and games like,,,,,,,you love being in each others company because you guys never get sick of being silly
  • until someone (probably haechan) ends up spilling some of the eggs on the floor and neither of you notice
  • until you slip on your way to the oven and go tumbling backwards
  • and you’re like haechan!!!!!! look out!!!!!
  • but he’s like throwing down the flour he’s holding to outstretch his arms and catch you
  • but it just ends up with both of you on the floor, covered in the eggs and sugar and flour
  • and you’re leaning against haechan whose hit his arm on the counter coming down
  • and you’re like “are you ok????” and haechan is like “no i think im bleeding”
  • and he puts his hand up and you see some red and you’re like HAECHAN oh my god im so sO SOrry let me get a bandage omg do you not have any here let me rip some off this tissue -
  • and then out of nowhere he starts to laugh and you’re like ??????? and he’s like “it’s just some red icing, im fine!!!”
  • and you sit there on the floor, and frown and you’re like “you scared me!!!!! i thought you were hurt,,,,if i had hurt you i don’t know what i-”
  • and haechan can see the sadness in your eyes and automatically his smile falls
  • and he’s like “im sorry, it was a dumb joke why are you so worried about me anyway, you know im indestructible!”
  • and you know he’s playing around but you still take his wrist and turn his arm to make sure he isn’t hiding that he might be really hurt
  • and you’re like “im glad you’re ok,,,,,,,,,,,,”
  • and haechan looks at you, still holding his arm and he’s like
  • “wait,,,,,,,,,,,,,did you get all worried about me like that because maybe,,,,,,,”
  • and you look up wide eyes and you’re like “UH”
  • and haechan is like snapping his fingers like “YOU LIKE ME?”
  • and you’re ike UHHHHHH WHAT SHUT UP NO WAY
  • but haechan is like mimicking your voice and he’s like “you scared me!!!” but then he reaches out and pulls you toward him into a hug
  • and he’s like “seriously, you could have just told me because i like you too!!!!!!”
  • and you’re like haECHAN don’t be playing some kind of joke on me-
  • and he’s like “this isn’t a joke, i promise, for real this time.”
  • and you can’t help but blush and be like “we’re covered in eggs let’s not hug-” but haechan just pushes you closer because like c’mon he totally would 
Renault’s Books

I made a proper post out of this because it got too long for the ask (I needed to be able to save what I wrote). And I actually re-read both Fire From Heaven and the Persian Boy in order to be able to answer this well. @uponthewaters I hope that this format is more easily accessible/readable and I also hope that I have answered your question in the way that you wanted. 

I will preface this by saying that I always feel a bit bad critiquing Renault. Please remember that I have nothing against Renault. I respect her and I am flattered that she loved my life so much. If what I am about to say sounds cruel or harsh, then just remember that I am only speaking about the content of Renault’s books, not anything about her personally. But I won’t lie and say that I like her books when I do not. Brace yourselves, I wrote a lot (and added a drinking game to spice things up!).

I will start with Fire From HeavenPut simply: In Fire from Heaven I am boring.

Fire From Heaven

Aside from the aforementioned boringness, most of the major issues I had with Fire From Heaven have to do with the portrayal of Hephaistion:

“At the stair-foot Hephaistion was waiting. He happened to be there, as he happened to have a ball handy if Alexander wanted a game, or water if he was thirsty; not by calculation, but in a constant awareness by which no smallest trifle was missed.” (163)

^ Let it be known that Alexander the Great always cites his goddamn sources. Alright, Hephaistion was not only there for me; I was also there for him. He had his own life and his own thoughts and troubles. We comforted each other, he was not just a shoulder for me to cry on. Our friendship was not one-sided. He was not my slave and did not act like my mother or my nurse. In this book it is unclear why I loved Hephaistion, our relationship was merely predicated on the fact that Hephaistion was enamored with me and I appreciated his loyalty and servitude. 

“Hephaistion thought of the coming war without fear, erasing from his mind, or smothering in its depths, even the fear that Alexander would be killed. Only so was life possible at his side. Hephaistion would avoid dying if he could, because he was needed.” (221)

Um only because I needed him? Not because Hephaistion didn’t want to fucking die himself? Come on. Hephaistion had his own thoughts and fears that didn’t always have to do with me. Even I’m not too self-absorbed to recognize that. 

“Hephaistion called to mind the tale of Semele, beloved of Zeus… she had burned to ashes. He [Hephaistion] would need to prepare himself for the touch of fire.” (157)

God, this made me laugh. Well, if Hephaistion wants this ass then he better get some oven mitts. And that lube that heats up is definitely a no-go. I just don’t even know what to think of this. I mean I know I have a hot ass but really… On a more serious note, Hephaistion was the only one who didn’t think of me as divine but still loved me and my imperfections. So no to this quote.

“Hephaistion, who was not very quick at shaping his thoughts into words, usually found that someone else got in before him. He preferred this to making a fool of himself.” (173)

OH FUCK NO. Hephaistion loved to argue and was certainly not shy about voicing his opinions. And Hephaistion was brilliant, Aristotle thought so, too, and corresponded with Hephaistion later on. Hephaistion’s intelligence is the reason why I trusted him with both solo military commands and also administrative/ diplomatic functions. And just common sense: I would never have an idiot who couldn’t even debate as my second-in-command. Hephaistion only made a fool out of himself if he was drunk or if he was fighting with someone over something stupid (and the same goes for me).

Think of Achilles, how his mother dipped him in the Styx. Think how black and terrible, like dying, like being turned to stone. But then he was invulnerable.” (211) 

This really took me out of the story. If Hephaistion had said that to me then I would have laughed at him and told him that Achilles isn’t invulnerable in the Iliad. Achilles bleeds right before he fights the river Skamandros when Asteropaios hits Achilles with a spear, “but the other [spear] grazed Achilles’ strong right arm and dark blood gushed as the spear shot past his [Achilles’] back…” (Iliad 21.166-167 for you modern readers). The Renault version of Hephaistion certainly is dull and unintelligent if he can’t even remember the Iliad. And the Styx story with Thetis and Achilles was not around in our day, either. It was actually first written down hundreds of years after our deaths (95ish CE) by Statius in his Achilleid. So this entire piece of dialogue is anachronistic. I’m the biggest Achilles fanboy of all time, I know my shit.

Some other thoughts:

  • I DO like the part where Kassander gets beaten up by a woman. That was hilarious.
  • Ptolemy was not my half-brother. And I don’t like how the book treats the character of my real sister Kleopatra (who I loved very much in real life). Or my mother. It seems that modern representations of my life are not very kind to the women in my life. Not cool.
  • Dear god, that part with the courtesan. That story was completely false and only made up to slander me, but at least in the ancient story I sent her away. I would never suffer the indignity of my parents hiring a hetaira for me and then actually have sex with her. That’s adding insult to injury! And I had sex with both men and women, my parents weren’t worried about me (although of course I was not as uh “prolific” as good ol’ dad).
  • OLYMPIAS WAS NOT PRESENT AT PHILIP’S ASSASSINATION. She was in Epiros. If you are going to write a book based largely on historical events then please get the details correct.
  • Speaking of details, when my father was assassinated my father’s cloak was white, not purple (see Diodorus 16.93.1). A small nitpick, but still. 
  • That 2004 movie Alexander ripped off a lot of material from this book. I feel bad for Renault about that. Not cool, Oliver Stone.

Renault also gets the timing of the death of Hephaistion and my own death wrong in her historical author’s note:

“Alexander survived his friend by about three months, for two of which he was travelling with the body from Ecbatana to Babylon…” (409-410)

This is incorrect. Hephaistion died in October. I died in June. If you are writing a historical note please get the facts right.

One of my main issues is that Renault tries to describe the historical context/detail so much that she loses sight of the essence of the story. I didn’t really understand what she was trying to say in this book, it just read like a more boring and expanded version of Plutarch. So yes, Fire From Heaven was boring (as was my character in Fire From Heaven). And I’m someone who actually likes the catalogue of ships in the Iliad.

The Persian Boy

Where to start with this one… This is probably the complete wrong reaction to have, but I laughed my way through most of The Persian Boy. At least the prose was more interesting than Fire From Heaven. But the pacing was off, it takes Bagoas more than 100 pages to meet me.

One of the central problems was with the narrator. Bagoas is forcefully inserted into the larger events of my life and it simply makes no sense for him to be there. Some problems I had:

  • Bagoas was supposedly with me the night after the torture of Philotas? Oh god, that is so ludicrous. Common sense: after an assassination attempt a eunuch would never be left alone with me. Hephaistion probably would have murdered him; Hephaistion wasn’t feeling particularly happy then. And we were in a camp with tents, not a building as Renault states (see Arrian, Plutarch, and Curtius for confirmation of that). It’s a small detail, but I wanted to point that out.
  • I did not trust Bagoas. It may seem cruel, but Bagoas was nothing to me. If Bagoas had died then I would not have to be dragged off of his corpse. He was simply someone that I had sex with a few times. Hephaistion was everything to me. He was the sole person that I completely trusted. I also trusted my own generals and friends. I did not trust a random eunuch. And Renault says I cried over Bagoas’ birthday? Birthdays weren’t even really celebrated in my day…
  • AND RENAULT TELLS THE DYSENTERY STORY. WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK DOES EVERYONE LOVE THAT STORY?! Oh yes, it is so funny that Alexander shit himself, that story is absolutely essential to understanding his life. No, no it fucking isn’t. It’s embarrassing. 
  • And dear god, Bagoas was not with me at the Mallian siege. That makes absolutely no sense at all. Even the majority of the army was not there, most of the land forces were stationed with Hephaistion down river (see Arrian 6.13).
  • I liked that Renault showed Hephaistion’s kindness. That was much appreciated. I wish he was in more of the book, but he would most likely be mischaracterized (although at least I could blame the unreliable narrator in this case). 
  • What the hell was the wedding with Roxanne about? She tried to poison Bagoas and then I beat her? WHAT THE FUCK? I can’t believe that Renault would actually write that. I don’t know why she hates all of the women in my life so much. I don’t know why she would think my wife would poison a random eunuch. I don’t know how she could think I would beat my own wife. I mean we were obviously not the pinnacle of feminism, but we weren’t animals. I was angry when noble women were just forced to dance (see Curtius 6.2.6-7 for this one), I don’t know how anyone would think I would harm my own wife. Everything about this is disgusting. I’m fucking appalled.

I found the book mostly amusing and I didn’t get very annoyed (except of course for the wedding/poison episode) until Hephaistion’s death.

He [Alexander] was standing with a dagger in his hand, hacking off his hair. […] So I found the trimming knife, and said, “Let me do it. I’ll do it just as you want.” “No,” he [Alexander] said, hacking away […] But he grew impatient with the back, and let me finish it, so that he could be off. (370)

I would have killed anyone who tried to cut my hair for me when I cut my hair over Hephaistion’s body. And unlike in Renault’s account, I actually cut my hair over the corpse (Arrian 7.14.4 backs me up). I would have stabbed Bagoas or anyone else who tried to help with my own dagger (I was not in a great mental place then). And as if I couldn’t cut my own hair? I’m a warrior, I know how to use a goddamn blade. This also makes it sounds like cutting my hair was something that I thought I had to do so that I “could be off.” No, it was very significant and personal and painful for me in my grief and doesn’t deserve to be treated as something I had to get done quickly. Also, Bagoas was not the one who had the idea that Hephaistion be made a god (Renault 373). Reading that was a test of my very poor anger management skills. 

And on my deathbed I did not say Krateros or kratistos or anything like that. Ugh. I couldn’t even speak at all, I was too sick. And Bagoas was not there when I died.

I made a drinking game to make reading this book more fun:

  • Take a shot whenever Cyrus (aka Kyros) is mentioned! 
  • Take a shot when you can’t tell if Bagoas and I are having sex or not! 
  • Take a shot every time my ~golden~ hair is mentioned! 
  • Take a shot whenever Bagoas is jealous!
  • Chug through the entirety of the dysentery scene (so that no one will remember it happened…)

This game may give you alcohol poisoning if you’re not a Macedonian, be warned.

All in all, I really do appreciate what Renault was trying to do. I am so happy that people read these books and got more interested in my life and in Hephaistion’s life. I am also happy that these books helped people dealing with issues relating to their own sexuality (and I appreciate the fact that Renault was a lesbian writing about same-sex relationships AND that she described me as bisexual in her author’s note- good job Renault!). So I think that the good that Renault’s work has done outweighs my issues with it. 

I hope that this very lengthy response answered your question well.

bts as roommates (jungkook)
  • first of all we all know that he’s the type that labels all his things cause he’s possessive af loljk
  • he’s always got a blanket even if it’s 900 degrees outside
  • a kinda clean person, kINDA BC HE ALWAYS LEAVES HIS HOODIE ON THE FLOOR
  • would rarely be in the dorm bc of his practices so u often get the room all to yourself
  • but when he’s in, he would be on his laptop and always listening to music
  • “do you mind if I use your speaker?” when his speaker is lowbatt 
  • you’d wake up at him doing push ups and such things for warming up (and you’d wipe ur freshly squeezed drool lmAO)
  • keeps a picture of himself on his bed stand
  • always has water on his bed stand
  • Whenever he comes in early, being a good boi and all, he always has something for u (that got u wondering why aren’t u dating looolz) 

NEXT !!

  • googles instructions how to do laundry
  • which ends up him asking help from u
  • “which tray should i put the fabric softener??” he shouts from the bathroom
  • and u guys ends up doing ur laundry together AWWWWEE
  • he’s also the type to try your shampoo lol
  • sings in the shower duH KING OF VOCALS + uve got ur own private concert hmm)
  • secretly loves ur vanilla scented body wash after u shower hmmm
  • cooks breakfast at weekends bc he’s too sweet 4 this world
  • and you repaying by buying him his favORITE SEAWEED CHIPS
  • whenever both of u aren’t busy he’d politely ask u for a coffee or sumthn
  • that gets ur hOPES REALLY HIGH BC WHO WOULDNT DEVELOP A CRUSH ON THAT BOI
  • turns out he’s just nice aWW :( 

~okAY LAST PART

  • snores really cute like a bunNY LITERAL BUNNY
  • his forehead is always scrunched that makes him look like an innocent baby angel 
  • BUT THAT BABY ANGEL ALSO SLEEPS HALF NAKED!!!!! 
  • owns a really cute alarm clock
  • always wakes up at the middle of the night to drink water
  • his breaths are what makes u sleep on nights you couldn’t
  • he sleeps really well esp when he comes home from a day full of practices
  • yOU WILL WANNA BOOP HIS NOSE :(((
  • you’ll hear him sniff sometimes bc of his rhinitis 
  • and you’d get up to get his meds bc ur a nicE PERSON 
  • “thank you,” and he’ll stare at u with loving eyes that will cause ur early D E A T H 
  • “good night jungkook,” 
  • “good night, Y/N” 
  • AND YOU’LL SLEEP FOR ETERNITY 

[breaking Hufflepuff conventions] All Hufflepuffs are sidekicks Aesthetic

anonymous asked:

How do you feel about people claiming that in marrying Bruce, Selina's character will be ruined? I of course see that argument as odd, seeing that she's said numerous times in the past that she wants to be happy, and with that, settling down and having a family. Do you truly think that would waver who Selina is?

You already know that I don’t. I wrote about my thoughts on Selina and family and marriage awhile ago and you can read about it here. Linking it seems like such a cop out but it’s pretty long. On that note I will say this: when people have brought up the idea that getting married would ruin her character I had no idea what they were talking about until I read this. Warning: do not read unless you can afford a spike in blood pressure.

Most notably this critic is says this:

She is a thief.  She is a thrill seeker.  For her, it’s all about the hunt.

And this little gem right here:

I see so many people on social media saying how romantic this is.  It makes me wonder.  Is this just a knee jerk reaction to seeing two long time lovers finally getting together?  Have people really even taken the time to analyze this relationship?  Or, are the ones shipping this the kind of people that value need over want?

Eye roll to the fullest. As a Batcat blogger I take that as a personal challenge. Yes, we have taken the time to analyze this relationship and we have almost 80 years of material to go on and I’ve come with the receipts. 

I suppose this is what most people are referring to when they say that Catwoman’s character would be “ruined” if she got married. Those who are saying that are grossly oversimplifying her character and missing an important part of Catwoman’s development as a character. It reduces Catwoman to just a thief and that does her such a huge disservice. It has been true across multiple versions and media that, Catwoman does not always want to be defined as a thief. That thrill of thievery that they’re referring to, and Selina has said this herself multiple times, wears off. Thieving and other criminal activity has gotten her thrown in prison, almost killed, and she’s had to fake her death a couple of times because of it (as recently as Future’s End). The criminal lifestyle has almost ruined her life and eventually it ends up making her feel empty and trapped. 

Going back to the Bronze Age after Selina spends some time in prison for her crimes as Catwoman once she’s paroled she wants to move on and distance herself from her past. (Batman #308)

Later on during a meeting with Bruce she tries to disguise herself because she worries that being seen in public with her will hurt his reputation and cause a scandal. (Batman #313) 

Skipping ahead to the Pre-Flashpoint era Catwoman’s second on-going series was all about her reforming and becoming the defender of Gotham’s east end. In the very first issue of her series we get a lot from Selina’s perspective on why she does it. To really understand you’ll have to read her first on-going series because a lot of stuff went down towards the end of it that makes Selina disenchanted by the criminal lifestyle. At the beginning of her second series she can’t even bring herself to put on the costume because it’s brought her so much suffering and she feels defined by what she considers to be past mistakes. (Catwoman [v3] #1)

I don’t think that Selina thinks that marriage is the end all be all, but I definitely don’t think that it’s something that she’d completely rule out either. In fact I think that Selina hasn’t seriously considered it because she just never thought that it was an option for her. It’s funny to me that so many people think that Selina is strictly anti-marriage when 1) she’s never said that before and there’s nothing in canon to indicate that she feels that way and 2) some versions of her have expressed a desire to have a family. 

I wrote about this in my previous post but from Catwoman’s second series while Selina steals an ancient dollhouse she talks about her childhood and mourns the loss of her family and the fact that she missed out on that stability growing up. I think that indicates that there is some kind desire to regain that. (Catwoman [v2] #39)

There it is–Everything I’ve always wanted. Everything I’ve never had…Preserved over millennia in perfect condition. Priceless miniature. Stable family.

Emphasis mine. I also can’t stress enough that Catwoman’s Earth-2 counterpart point blank said that she wanted a family and a new life badly enough that she came up with some ludicrous lie about having amnesia in order to obtain it, but she thought it was too late. Earth-2 Catwoman ends up marrying Batman and having a child. The Brave and the Bold #197 was all about Bruce and Selina’s desire to start a new life and finding happiness with each other. In the Bronze Age version Bruce and Selina both retire to raise their daughter together and in the latest version they raise her as a crime fighter. That proves that marriage doesn’t “trap” Selina by any means. She did however feel trapped being Catwoman.

Still not convinced? Okay. I know that The Dark Knight Rises isn’t everyone’s favorite version of Catwoman, but something Christopher Nolan got right… Selina Kyle is introduced as a thief but she’s working for Daggett with the promise that she’ll be compensated with a software that will allow her to erase her criminal record which she wants to use to start a new life. She tells Bruce:

I started out doing what I had to. Once you’ve done what you’ve had to they’ll never let you do what you want to…There’s no fresh start in today’s world. Any twelve year old with a cell phone can find out what you did. 

In Batman: The Telltale Series Selina has an excellent dialogue with Bruce about her criminal career where she lays it all out. She says:

You’re a good man, Bruce. But good men don’t lie with thieves.I know what I am. No noble intentions, just the thrill of breaking what they say can’t be broken. Knowing there’s no safe I can’t crack, no fortress I can’t infiltrate. Proving I can… I’ve stolen from corrupt jerks like Hill, but I’ve taken plenty from good people too. And for what? Some shiny new toys and a crappy apartment on the edge of town? The high is nice but it wears off. And you look around and see…nothing. So you get back out there. Try and chase that feeling down, but it never amounts to anything really.

What has remained true about Selina in the comic books and other media is that she begins her life as a thief, but eventually she wants out but she feels defined by it. She feels like she has no other choice but to keep going. People really look down on Catwoman because she’s a criminal. She gets really dismissed as just some thief. This is something that Selina internalizes and is insecure about. Selina doesn’t always think that she’s a good person and that she can’t be anything other than a thief and a criminal. The idea that all Catwoman wants to do is live a dangerous life of chaos and crime is exactly the type of label she very often tries to break away from. 

The argument that Selina shouldn’t get married because she’ll feel trapped is ironic considering that there’s a lot canonical evidence that she actually feels trapped by The Life™ and it just reeks of concern trolling. Somehow people think that risking imprisonment and death and being defined as a criminal is a more preferable outcome than marriage. 

Catwoman is a character that’s always reinventing herself and always looking for a second chance. I don’t think that that always means marriage and family, but I don’t see why it can’t especially since it’s never been done in the main continuity before. 

I’m not going to bother addressing an argument that Bruce and Selina have a one sided relationship, because it’s obvious nonsense and I’ve dedicated many a blog posts already refuting that. I suggest going through my tags if you really want to know, but I will say this because I think it’s crucial: in spite of everything that people say and think about Catwoman and what she often thinks of herself Batman never stops believing in her. 

Batman has been a constant presence in her life and more often than not it’s his unwavering belief that deep down she’s a good person that inspires her to see the good in herself and get the second chance she so desperately seeks. Whether it’s inspiring her to become the whip wielding defender for Gotham’s most disenfranchised, running off to France, or starting a family. Batman and Catwoman have found a lot of happiness in each other so I find the idea that marriage would “ruin” Catwoman’s character to be, quite frankly, absurd.

Batman and Catwoman have been together for 77 years. It’s just time.

dating bam would include:

a/n: hi, as bam is my ult bias i had to do his first. he honestly means everything to me and idk this is just me talking abt how much i love him rn but yea :( ok so enjoy!! 

warnings ;;

- mentions things of a sexual nature // mostly fluff 


- initiates skin ship 65% of the time 

- teasing 

- back hugs 

- he’d love riling you up with neck kisses and such and then running away 

- the type to label his food in your fridge 

“shut up you love me!” 

- jealous! bam

- i feel like he would get jealous very easily but attempt to hide it with jokes etc

- hand holding 24:7 [even at inconvenient times ;; going around lamp posts] 

- despite being wild af he’s a really good listener and would love taking the same to talk to you about your day or what’s currently bothering you 

- bam being the worst person to take to the movies;; constantly trying to make you laugh at serious moments or sneaking in kisses 

- memes 

- just pure memes, you’d find yourself joining in with his antics

- i think bam would enjoy pda tbh,, 

- him pouting at eVERYTHING 

- gifting you things that made him think of you

- travelling together

- i think he’d wanna introduce you to his friends straight away even prior to dating ;; this showed how much he liked you from the get go 

- telling you cheesy chat up lines 

- caring for you when your sick 

- dabbing [this kid, i stg]

- convincing you to do stupid shit like pranks etc

- lots of snapchats,, texts through out he day

- “give daddy a kiss?? ;))” 

- pushing him off the bed for thinking he’s slick most likely ^^ 

- i think he’d tell you he loved you pretty soon into the relationship

- probably during a date or something ;; it would hit him like a ton of bricks and he’d just want to confess right there and then

- shy! bam

- i see him being a switch 

- hickeys ?? that lil shit 

- attempting to cook for you e̶n̶d̶s̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶j̶i̶n̶y̶o̶u̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶

- yugyeom third wheeling 

- dog sitting coco together 

- dates would consist of movies and snacks 

- consulting you hair colors 

- pinky swears 

- bams the guy to want to give you a promise ring i reckon 

“Come over here n love me :(” 

- perhaps him showing you his piano skills 

- conversations about your childhoods

- visiting him at practice

- bam hyping your ass tf up 

- high key finding his english fucking adorable [and so so good]

- getting asked by mark to “shut him the fuck up” 

- i think you’d be the person to really show bam everything he never knew he wanted out of life 

- he’d tell you he loved you constantly ;; but he always meant it 

- forehead kisses 

- talking abt the future you want together 

- i can see him trying to buy you clothes and getting the wrong sizes [he’s a cute dork]

- dragging him out of the lingerie section [”bUt THIS WOULD LOOK SO GOOD ON YO-”]

- to conclude;; bam would be the dorkiest boyfriend ever,, but no moment with him would ever be dull. :]]


a/n: hihi so i hope this is enjoyable i wanted to make it special bc hes my baby so i hope it did him justice !! requests are also open ;; 

yawpkatsi  asked:

TELL ME YOUR SAD FEELINGS ABOUT BUCKY AND FOOD

OKAY

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF FOOD IS ONE OF YOUR TRIGGERS. DO NOT READ IF BUCKY’S POOR TREATMENT UPSETS YOU. PLEASE.

A quick fact about me: I’m a medical professional that works one on one with a patient who is disabled. One of her major issues is gastroparesis, or the paralyzation of the stomach. So needless to say, I know a great deal about Sad Food Shit. We’re getting science-y, folks. 

Keep reading

Blind Soldier76
  • Reinhardt forgets that Jack is blind, and is like “Hi Jack, could you read this for me?” and Jack takes it and stares at it for like a good minute and then is like “You know this would be an excellent read if I wasn’t blind”
  • Hana’s like “Hey Jack could you drive us to town real quick” and hes like “Hm no I can only drive you off a road and probably to your certain death I can’t see.”
  • Gabriel is self conscious about how he looks under the mask, and Jack just stares at him and is like “Gabe, to me you’re literally just a blur, but I can tell you - you’re the most beautiful blur in this entire room.”
  • Gabriel up late after shopping trips as he types out braille labels for everything so Jack knows what’s what.
2

So my sister wanted an Foxy icon so I made one for her. Making it glitchy was fun.

… but I still don’t like FNAF soooooooo… yeah. You can use these if you want or whatever.

k bye

Everyone’s getting all excited about WritScrib and shit but after reading through a bunch of their ask responses it seems they’re the “hate speech is not free speech” types who will arbitrarily label things you say as “inciting harassment”, even in cases where there is no explicit call to harassment, and ban you based on that.

Which tbh isn’t really much better than what tumblr already does. It’ll just be another platform with the same censorship problem, but maybe if you’re lucky it’ll be a little more stable and less prone to making batshit-stupid functionality changes.

It’s Not Lupus

SHERLOCK - HOUSE M.D. CROSSOVER

Summary: You need to take Sherlock, your boyfriend, to the doctor because he’s sick. You cannot ask John to examine him since he’s on holidays with Mary and Rosie so you resort to the best doctor you know, your father Dr. Gregory House.

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader (ft. Dr. House)

Title: ‘It’s Not Lupus’

Content: Lines from House M.D. / Humour

Warning: Mild swearing

Word count: 1.972

A/N: Ok, thank you for the opinions, guys!! Now, if you’re going to read this USE YOUR IMAGINATION, please. It makes everything funnier. I really miss Greg, I hope I made justice to the character.

PS: If you want to die laughing, please listen to “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking” by The Rolling Stones while reading and looking at this marvellous GIF.

*not my gif


You were both walking down the corridor. “John said I would be alright,” Sherlock lied.

“You didn’t even call him. Actually, I wanted to call him yesterday and the line was dead, so shut up,” you snapped.

“For the last time Y/N, I’m alright. I’m just sneezing,” he complained. “I don’t need to get examined.”  

“Please, Sherlock. It’s for your own sake. Don’t make mention your high temperature, your coughing,” you sighed. “Just gave him a chance,” you said and gave you a faint nod.

You turned around the corner of the corridor and walked towards the first office. The door was closed, with a notice stuck on it that said: “GO AWAY”. Sherlock’s eyes narrowed as if he could not believe you made him come to the hospital and not get examined.

You didn’t mind whether your father was busy or not, you wanted your boyfriend to get examined for his own sake – or yours. Since Sherlock got sick, he has gotten utterly unbearable.

Taking a deep breath you opened the office door.

“Hello, sick people,” he said as soon as he heard the door open. The radio was on, he was listening to ‘Can’t You Hear Me Knocking’ by The Rolling Stones while pretending to play guitar on his flaming cane and singing along. “You must be joking,” he breathed as you looked at your father incredulously.

He turned around to face you two. “Trust me, this is all real,” he shouted and then with the cane turned the radio off. “So, Wilson said you called. The bastard told me you wanted to come around,” he gradually turned his gaze to Sherlock, “and I now I see why.”

“Dad, this is-” your voice trailed off when your boyfriend cut you off.

“Oh, Dr House, I’ve heard your name a several times,” he stretched his hand out to him so they could shake hands. Your father glanced at you noticing that you were giving him a faint smile.

“Most of the people have. It’s also a noun,” he said and shook hands with Sherlock, who rolled his eyes. The sarcasm and those jokes that go too far, they were so typical coming from a man like him.

“Sherlock Holmes,” he introduced himself. ”Your limb,” Sherlock tilted his head to your father’s leg. House looks down at his leg and the cane danced awkwardly. “It’s psychosomatic, I assume” he said.

“Not this time, Sherlock,” you corrected him.

“Right,” the doctor vaguely said. He sourly walked to his desk and tossed the ‘Flame Cane’ to the side. He slowly fell into his chair. “It’s a long story, buddy. I don’t think you’d like to hear it,” he pursed his lips.

Sherlock sat down on one of the chairs opposite the doctor’s and crossed his legs, his hands were clasped. “Oh, I insist,” he replied.

You rolled your eyes and joined them. “You should better shut up,” you snapped and Sherlock glanced at you perplexed.

House leaned his back against the backrest and folded arms. “I’m sorry?” he frowned.

“He had his dead muscle surgically removed. Although this most likely saved his life, it left him with permanent intense pain in his right leg,” you informed. “Months later, he became addicted to Vicodin.”

“There you go,” he finger pointed at you, though you were glaring at him.

“You’re still taking the pills,” you said through gritted teeth.

As much as you could deny it, you were used to live surrounded by a certain kind of people. That kind of people that would break the rules just to be right, knowing that they might die trying. Your dad and your boyfriend for example; always exposing themselves to dangerous situations.

“Interesting,” he grinned. “Then, I suppose we could get to an agreement,” he said and clasped his hands. “I’ll get you Vicodin if you get me Cocaine,” he said. The corners of House’s mouth turned up as if he was interested in the offer.

“Oh, for goodness’ sakes! We’re here because you’re sick, Sherlock,” you cried out making him jump a little. Turning to your father, you ask him.“Could you just please examine him?”

“Seriously? Do I have to examine him to tell you that it’s just the flu?” He said. Swallowing profanities, you sat there shut down.“Oh. I can make some tea. Y/N, told me-”

“No, thanks. I’m not that stupid. I know you’d drug me,” Sherlock replied with sass.

“Ok, it’s official. You’ve got a problem,” he pointed at the detective.

The phone rang all of a sudden. House checked the caller ID and heaved a deep sigh. You and Sherlock exchanged gazes.

He put it on speaker but before he could answer, Wilson blurted out. “House, did you just fake cancer to get high?”

“You what?!” you shouted and frowned incomprehension. “Oh, my God!” You gripped with a sense of suffocation and panic as you buried your face in your hands.

“Is that Y/N?” he asked, his voice full of excitement.

“Piss off, I’ve got a headache,” he shouted and hung up.

Sherlock scoffed. “Oh, come on, cancer? That’s the best you can do? I pretended to be dead for two years!” Mockery crept into his voice tone.

“Sherlock-,” You spoke up again but were interrupted.

House leaned forwards the desk and support his arms on it. “Pretend to be dead? Sorry, genius, not such a big deal,” he pouted sarcastically. “Get a pathologist, pay them and scuttle for a two years. Well done,” he mocked and gave thumbs up to him. Sherlock, confused, began mumbling gibberish you both couldn’t understand. “How’s your relationship? Huh? How is it going?” He looked at you and then fixed eyes on Sherlock. “I suppose you’ve already got that when she’s angry, she gets sarcastic. When she’s annoyed, she’s funny,” he paused and sighed. Sherlock frowned and quickly glanced at you. Your mouth clamped shut, lips drawn in a bloodless gash while your arms were folded. He went on, “But when she’s frustrated, she gets pissy.”

You glowered at your father as if you wanted to punch him right in the face. “May I speak to you privately?” You finally asked. He turned gaze to you, nodded and gestured down a corridor to the large, well-lit office. Sherlock watched you walk out of the small yet comfy office.

Once outside, you turned to him. Eyes slightly darker now, you trailed one of your hands to your hip. “Could you please stop it?” you snapped.

“Oh, what? Is he going to run away?” he joked.  “Would you like to get a drink?“ You didn’t said a word. “No, I’m serious. I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time, same table. Father and daughter, together. Again. Do you eat? We could do that too.”

“Look, I know you hate him.”

He looked down at you. “No. I’ve never said that. I don’t hate him,” he said as he waved his hands in the air.

“Then what the hell is wrong with you?!” you shouted gesturing with your hands. Everyone’s eyes were now on you, your cheeks turned red.

“Good,” he said and gave you a slight nod. “You know how to get everyone’s attention. I wonder myself if you learned that from me.” He played with his can, looked down and then began walking towards his office again. “Now if you excuse me I’ve got an arse in my office and I’d like to resume the talk we were both having,” he said.

As he limped painfully into the office while leaning all his weight on his cane, your father saw Sherlock holding a file in his hands. House gave him a dirty look. “Would you be a love and close the blinds? It’s too bright in here. My eyes are burning,” he said sarcastically trying not to jump on Sherlock just because he took his patient’s file.

“It’s not lupus,” he randomly deadpanned.

“What?” House jumped and marched over to him.

“I said that it cannot be lupus. Here says ‘lupus’.” Sherlock showed him the file. House smirked for a second. “It’s not lupus. Whose stupid idea was that?”

“That’s my case. Get yours, chap,” he said and took the folder from Sherlock’s hands. The detective off-lined momentarily, his eyes flickered between him and mid-air. “It’s the best Cuddy gave me until now. Have you been reading?” Seriousness lurked in the depths of his eye while rereading the file again.

You face-palmed. “Sherlock, what are you doing? You’re not a doctor.”

“I’ve got bored,” his voice was monotonous and there was no expression on his face. “I’m a graduate chemist. Couldn’t resist myself,” he said and your father looked at him surprised. A chemist and a detective, what a surprise; yet he’s not better than me, he thought. “She’s six; tiny. She lives on chicken fingers and milk. Her father doesn’t look like the type to read labels. He’s probably buying stuff packed full of hormones,” he spit out.

“It must be a tumour,” they both said simultaneously and then shared looks. That was a quite strange moment.

“Tumour? What tumour? H-How?” you broke out. You leaned forwards the desk and tried to reach the phone. “Dammit! Give me the damn phone, I’m calling Cuddy,” you said angrily.

House was fast. Fast enough to put a hand onto yours to make you leave the phone on its place. “Sorry, darling. Watch your mouth,” he looked at you.

“Grow up!” You yelled through gritted teeth. A vein was popping out from your neck. You finally gave up and took the hand off the phone.

Suddenly, you all could hear a phone buzz. It was the detective’s one, he got a text. Sherlock’s eyes widened when he read the message and grinned in excitement. Your father looked at him confused. “Good news. Excellent, in fact,” he said giving you a smile.

“Are you two getting married?” House said and gave a smug look at your disbelief.

“Lestrade has a case. Scotland Yard in an hour, let’s go.” He said as he began putting on his trench coat and his cosy blue scarf.

“Are you two leaving just like this?” He shoved his hand into his pocket and took out a bottle with Vicodin pills. Sherlock’s blue eyes were now observing his moves.

“Are you even working?” You gave him a sarcastic look.

House throws a Vicodin up in the air and catches it in his mouth. “I did not even prescribe him medicine.”

“Uh, then, Cuddy will,” you snorted a laugh. “Will you take care?”

“Why?”

“Just texting the sentence ‘I’m fine’ would make enough. Would you do that?” you asked him with a tender look.

“I’m not fine as in fine, but fine as in ‘you don’t have to worry about me’,” he confessed.

“Well, I’m sorry but I will always worry about you,” you muttered softly and rushed out the office so you could catch Sherlock, who left without bothering to say goodbye.


Wilson walked along the corridor and immediately spotted House. He walked up to him.

He pointed at him with anger. “Hey, that was not funny. I talked with Cuddy, you owe me a huge one,” he fumed but House ignored him.“Oh. So, what are you gonna do with this one?” He asked as he watched you and Sherlock walking down the corridor.

House kept his eyes on you two as he thought. “He said it was not lupus,” he finally said.

Wilson began to look at him in surprise “Oh, that’s…new,” he pursed his lips. “Anyway, that means you’re going to kick his ass out?”

“Give him time, Wilson,“ he said as he put an arm around Wilson’s shoulders and then walked away.

James, with a puzzled face, turned to him. “Sorry?” He asked but there was no answer, as usual. “House,” he yelled with the hope that his friend would turn around and explain him what did he mean with that. “What are you doing?”

“Moving on,” replied House. “In the direction of my office where I’ve got some extra pills.” Wilson chuckled.

2

Not even gonna lie. I spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS FIC–way too much for it to be considered a flashfic for sure lol Not even gonna say I’m sorry cause I’m NOT haha I had so much fun writing this and then making Yama-chan into the beautiful woman he would be lol It wasn’t nearly as hard as it should have been to be honest.

At any rate, there are two versions of this oneshot–the Yamachii version and then a “non-romance” one where there’s nothing about that kind of relationship in it for those who don’t like that kind of thing. My sweet Nice, @n10cfyd, is for sure on the Yamachii team so…this is for you darling!!

Title: Boy Bits (Yamachii Version)
Pairing/Relationship: Yamada Ryosuke x Chinen Yuri
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, M/M relationship (non-graphic/implied)
Genre: Umm…Au Crack? I have no idea–gender swap

Summary:  Ryosuke wakes up and realizes there’s an issue with his ‘boy bits’ lol

You can read the NON-ROMANCE–NON-YAMACHII VERSION {HERE}


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Mobile 5SOS Masterlist

So this is where I make a list of everything I’ve written on this blog and make it mobile friendly. As you can see they’re sorted by who is the centre (Luke/Calum/Michael/Ashton or all 4) and I’ve also labeled what type of writing they are (Text/Imagine/Blurb/Fic/One-Shot).

Requests Are: Always open, though it takes a great deal of motivation or inspiration to complete them. Feel free to send them in here or send me a private message :-) 

Desktop Masterlist // list of current requests

Originally posted by gloremind

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3

I made these beer labels for my brother for Christmas! Earlier in the year, we’d been fantasizing about him starting a literature themed brewery called Whale of a Tale Brewing Co. where all the beers would be named classic literary/beer puns. I liked these three that we came up with the best so I decided to illustrate their future labels. Hopefully someday they will all really exist and I’ll get to drink them!:)