So on top of my fears about IVF and pregnancy, plus knowing the kids will vomit, we now get told by our GP that they will have to get social services involved as I have a ‘severe’ mental illness. I don’t agree that it is severe anymore. I don’t believe we need social services. I wouldn’t be having children if I didn’t think I could properly raise them. More anxiety to add to this.
It is so hard to think about a life that doesn’t involve my OCD rituals. These are normal to me. These are my life. This is what keeps me safe, what makes me feel safe, and all that I’ve known for years! I don’t know how to be normal. They ask me in therapy what I want to change to make my life easier. Well in all honesty, I’m feeling like this is easier than the alternative! If I didn’t have my safe place then I wouldn’t feel safe. I would be cleaning constantly and always anxious. At least this way I can be normal inside the home. And we can do what other people do outside. Sure, it would be easier to not even think about any of this, to not fear being sick or dirty, to feel safe all the time etc. But I am ill. That’s the point! I’m not normal and I don’t think I ever will be. I’ve been this way since I was 7.
My childhood was pretty horrendous. My narcissistic mother abused me every fucking day in so many ways. I don’t want to play the victim or to be a victim so I choose not to be. But she has fucked me up. I’m so scared of being anything like her. I feel contaminated and dirty and disgusting because of her. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was an ungrateful and undeserving child. I feel like shit. Realising now that I have control over my life and not her, it’s hard. I’ve gone so far the other way. She’s a dirty druggie. Literally so dirty and disgusting. And she lost her youngest two kids to social services. So this is making me feel a bit like her, even though I’m the total opposite. So the question is, will I end up being like her-unable to parent my kids effectively and put their needs first etc. ???? Is that the end result? Am I really like her, after all this fighting to get as far away from being anything like her at all?? Do I have to be so fucking strong and fight off this illness and become 'normal’ and acceptable in order to keep my kids? And prove once and for all that im nothing like her? I’m not sure. I feel able to give my kids what they need now. I feel I have found a compromise. I feel ready and competent and that I can let my illness have very little effect on them. So long as my current rituals are in place. Take them away and I don’t have a fucking clue where that will leave me. Lost.
If I ignore all the OCD thoughts, learn how to be a 'normal’ member of society and behave normally, will I be in a better place to parent my kids? Or will I be more like my mum? Will I be dirty and disgusting and contaminated? I feel yes. And will I get sick? Will I display evidence of how disgusting I am through the act of vomiting, the disgusting poisoned inside part of me that is like her visible to everyone???? Will anyone still love me after? Or am I truly unloveable? I’ve never been good enough for her. She can’t love me. I’m not worthy.
I don’t deserve recovery. I’m a piece of worthless shit. The million dollar question, do my kids deserve to have me recover? Do my kids deserve more than a piece of worthless shit as their mother? I think so. I think they, and my beautiful, perfect, strong, amazing girlfriend, deserve the world. I have nothing to offer. Everything I try, I fail. I’m not good enough. I’m nothing.