Note: The first conversation between Lip and Kevin is literally from season 2 episode 2… I just changed the context. There’s also a part where it shifts from present to past tense, and then back to present, but it should be pretty easy to pick up on.
oppressive summer heat caused the sundress you were wearing to stick to your
skin as you briskly walked through the park.
Your eyes were set on the run-down ice cream van in the parking lot
beside the baseball field. You had been
perfectly content laying around in your air-conditioned room just ten minutes
before, but Lip had texted you to meet him at the park.
Lip. What was there to say about him? No explanation to describe the relationship
between the two of you would be adequate. There simply was not a word to define your
“thing”, as you two had been referring to your connection lately. To be completely honest, it was starting to
upset you. Your relationship had begun
as a friendship many years in the past.
Over the years, both of you had been in your fair share of bad
relationships. After you had both been
devastated by your last relationships, Lip’s with Karen and yours with another
guy from the neighborhood, you found solace in each other. It was nothing like your past
relationships. You never felt pressured
into doing anything you were uncomfortable with too soon. In fact, you and Lip hadn’t even taken your
relationship all the way over the couple months you had developed into a
“thing”. It was very unlike him. It was actually very unlike you, too, but
your last relationship had you taking things slow. You wanted this to be different. You wanted it to be special. If it was special you were willing to fully
commit, but the ambiguity of the relationship left you hesitant. Recently, you had been fearing that this was
not to Lip’s liking.
i found that life is defined by two things: a for and a from. the one you are running for, and the one you are running away from. only a fool would believe that he can reach the for without making peace with the from. but until then,
things to remember:
• the world is not against you.
• it’s okay.
• you’re allowed to be happy, don’t let yourself think otherwise.
• people leave and that’s okay, they weren’t supposed to stay long if they didn’t. sometimes people come in your life to teach you a thing or two, and then they leave.
• your anxiety does not define you as a whole.
• not everyone will understand you, not everyone will care enough to try. that’s alright.
• you’ll find a person or two who care enough to help you, and you’ll be afraid when they try to understand you, let them.
• stop keeping yourself in the dark when it’s bright outside.
• but at the same time, take baby steps…don’t rush this process, it’ll take time.
• remember to breathe, I know it’s hard to talk to that stranger, but even if you mess up they’ll probably never see you again.
• do the things you’ve been telling yourself you’ve wanted to do since you were in elementary school (again, take your time doing it though).
• some of the best things you’re going to experience are going to take a lot of waiting, it’s your decision whether you want to wait for it or not.
• never forget to breathe.
• always take your medicine, it’s hard but you know it’s helping you, you’re not who you were three years ago when pills made your hands shake.
• if someone is making you feel not okay, tell them. your mental health is more important than “not bothering people.”
• you are not unable to be loved because of your mental health, stop telling yourself that.
• the past does not reflect who you are now, we all
make mistakes, forgive and forget.
• the future is unknown, stop trying to predict and plan it.
• if you want to cry, then cry. stop trying to hold in your tears for other people.
• if you feel like you’re going to panic, close your eyes and breathe, don’t be afraid to call someone for help.
• asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you want help, and you want to get better, if anything you’re stronger than you were five minutes ago.
• you are NOT bothering the person you want to call
• if it’s supposed to work out, it will. stop trying to
• you are not your sadness.
• you having a change of mentality will not make people like you less, stop thinking people see you as anxiety and sadness and thinking they won’t like it if you change because they’re so used to the you that you are now.
• your parents will yell at you, that’s okay too.
• just because you want to hurt yourself doesn’t mean you have to, learning to cope with old habits is a part of moving forward.
• do not rely on any other human for happiness, not everyone will be around forever.
• learn to love yourself before you expect other people to love you too.
• not everyone will like you, that’s okay too. it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
• don’t tell someone you love them if you don’t mean it.
• stop giving your all to people who give you nothing, it’ll
only make you tired.
• don’t keep toxic people in your life.
• if someone does not love and care for you when you are both a clear sky and a raging storm, they do not deserve you.
• you gotta accept that some people just don’t want you. (and they’re dumb because you’re super great!)
• what other people think about you, doesn’t matter.
• when you start to overthink, remember that it’s literally just you overthinking. none of the things you’re telling yourself are true.
• find alternative ways to help your sadness, healthy ways.
things I told myself to remember when I felt like I was falling apart.
Walking back into headquarters, you weren’t quite ready to go home. The team was in the air, and you knew that Garcia would be somewhere, conferenced in god-knows-how, talking about god-knows-what.
Sitting down at your desk, you sigh, wiping the last of the tears from your eyes as you flip open the folder and study its contents.
Fingering thru pictures, reading thru statements, and memorizing facts, your eyes dart all over the place, taking in all of the men that have surfaced dead around the area. Different hair colors, different eye colors, different backgrounds.
“What connects them…?”
Not realizing Garcia is behind you, she puts her hand on your shoulder. Yelping, you jump out of your seat, grabbing the letter opener at your desk.
“Whoa, ho ho, little prairie dog!” Garcia half-chuckles as she throws her hands in the air, “I come in peace.”
Sighing, you put the opener down and sit back in your chair. Pulling up a chair beside you, Garcia puts her hand on your knee.
“Please don’t mind Reid. He really is a wonderful guy…he just feels intimidated.”
“I gathered,” you sigh, wishing she wouldn’t bring up the topic.
“He’s used to being the smart one,” he smiles at you.
“Just because I’m here doesn’t make him any less smart,” you say, furrowing your brow.
“Have you ever been in a room where you aren’t the smartest one in the group?” she asks.
Shaking your head “no,” Garcia squeezes your knee lightly and gives you a faint smile.
“Well, neither has he. Until now.”
Nodding in slow realization, Garcia’s phone buzzes along with yours.
We’ve landed. Anything new?
“He doesn’t waste any time,” you mutter to yourself, shutting your phone and turning back to the folder on your desk.
“I’ll be in my cave if you need me,” Garcia says.
But you didn’t even feel as she patted your knee and got up, for you were engrossed in your folder, trying desperately to find a connection.
Pulling your hair clip out and scratching your head, you let your long Y/C/H hair tumble past your shoulder blades as it poofs out around your face. You always kept your hair up because of how unruly it was, but today you didn’t care.
Today you needed to catch a killer.
Growing frustrated and pushing yourself out from your desk, you pick up your folder and start for Garcia’s chambers.
“Uh…hey!” she says nervously, causing you to become concerned.
Putting your hand on your firearm, you ask if she is alright. But, when she gives you a look of concern, you slide yourself in thru the small slit in the door, drawing your weapon, only to realize why she was nervous.
She wasn’t nervous because someone was in there.
She was nervous because they were giving the profile.
“I protested as much as I could,” she harshly whispers in your ear as you attempt to choke back tears for the third time that day, “But it was Reid’s turn to give the profile, and he started before anyone could object, and-”
Holding your hand up, you cut her off. Looking at her with sad eyes, you go and sit down in her chair, huffing as you bellow over the conversation.
As Hotch turns and looks at the computer screen, eyes wide, Spencer stops mid-sentence and gawks.
“Whatever you’re saying, Dr. Reid, you have it all wrong.”
“Of course she would think that,” he holds out his hand to your image.
“I found the connection between the bodies we have already found,” you state.
Peaking Hotch’s interest, he comes over to the camera and shrouds your face from everyone else. “What is it, Y/L/N?”
“Are you serious!?” you hear Reid yell in the background.
“Tell the whiny little child to stop acting like a brat and shut up,” you spit, causing a little smirk to arise on Hotch’s face.
Hearing nothing but silence in the background, you pick up your photos and show them, one by one, over the camera to Hotch.
“You look at eye colors, hair colors, ethnicities, cities of birth, number of children, possible abuse in the past…but you never stop to consider the small things…things like where the shop, what they eat, whether or not they groom,” you emphasized the last one.
Rossi gets into the picture as you continue. “All of these men are very well groomed…nice hair cuts, close shaves, and the ones with facial hair are trimmed to perfection, and you have considered the possibility that the unsub is doing this to these men post-mortem as some sort of guilt ritual, correct?”
As Hotch and Rossi nod over the camera, you say, “What if he isn’t?”
As realization overcomes Hotch and Rossi, Spencer wiggles his way into the camera.
“Are you saying that the killer could be their barber?” he says in a softened tone.
Taken aback by his voice, you stutter, “Uh, y-yes,” you say, shuffling papers, “Garcia, cross-reference the men’s expenses with the barber shops in the area.
“Already on it.”
As the team waits on the other end of the call, Garcia shakes her head in amazement. “Alright, two barber shops pop up between all of them, but there’s only one barber that works at both.”
“Send us the info,” Hotch says, dominating the conference call again.
“Already sent,” she gleams.
Swiveling in your chair, you go to get up when you hear Hotch’s voice in the background. “Y/L/N?”
You had come early into the office that morning. Hotch had called when the arrest had been made, and the team decided to come back into town instead of staying the night, so you had pieced yourself together at 4 in the morning and headed over to usher them home.
As they all stepped off of the plane, you were there with a smile and some food.
“Figured you guys might be hungry,” you say sheepishly.
As everyone smiles and thanks you for the food, Morgan comes over and pats you on the back.
“That was slick, Einstein,” he chuckles, giving you that trademark smile that covered his eyes completely.
“Can you even see when you flash that thing?” you shoot back, causing Morgan to go wide-eyed.
“And she has sass!” he holds out his arms. “Welcome to the club, Y/L/N!”
Laughing at him, Rossi and Hotch join the fun, doting on the great job you did.
“Wow, where did you get these so late at night?” J.J. said with a full mouth.
“I made them a couple of days ago,” you said. You baked whenever you were stressed or couldn’t sleep, and you were always looking for reasons to give the stuff away so it didn’t end up on your thighs.
As everyone eats your muffins and starts to dissipate, you turn your back to walk to your car when a voice comes out of the darkness.
“These are really good.”
Turning your head at Spencer’s voice, you lower your head to look at your feet. “I’m glad you like them. I was hoping no one was allergic to blueberries.”
As the two of you stood there in silence, you could see that the team had stopped under the hangar to watch everything unfold.
“Look, I-” but you cut him off.
“I know that this isn’t easy. I mean, you are used to being not only the smartest one of the gang, but also the youngest, and now, here comes this strange girl from absolutely nowhere who is statistically smarter and younger than you, taking from you, in one big sweep, the two things that define you within your family.”
As Spencer blinks at you, you take a ragged breath and continue, “And I want you to know that I’m not a threat. There’s a good chance that this team will be like every other one: everyone will find out how weird and quiet and boring I am, and they won’t want to ask me out to girls’ nights, and they won’t want to ask me out to drinks, and they won’t want to come over and hang out, and pretty soon the team leader is putting in for yet another transfer because I just don’t fit in with their family and make others feel uncomfortable with my intellect.”
Feeling the tears tease your eye lashes, you blink them away and start up again, “So don’t worry, because I’m sure in a few short weeks you will be right back to your position with your family, and I will be shoved off to yet another foster family where I can be a burden there for a few weeks.”
Turning your back to continue walking towards the hangar, you feel a light pressure on your forearm, causing you to turn around.
The tears breaking the levees of your eyes, they rip roar down your cheeks as you recall all of the families that you could have loved, but never wanted to love you in return.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, furrowing his brow in sorrow. “I had no idea…”
“No one does, because I don’t talk about is,” you hiss, pulling your arm out of his grip.
As his arm flops down to his side, he reaches out and grabs you again, only this time you flail around and raise your voice.
“What do you want!?” you yell at him.
“I want to apologize. For being an ass, and for making you feel as if you weren’t allowed to be here, and for making you cry, and making you hurt, and making you feel as if you didn’t belong…because if there is anywhere you belong, it’s with us.”
Sighing, you drop the defensive shield you had worked all day to put up. You were tired, you were upset, but most of all?
You were alone.
“What can I do?” he lowers his voice, pleading with you to forgive him.
Looking up at him, you smirk ever-so-faintly.
“I take my coffee hot and creamy, with two pumps of caramel, Dr. Reid.”
And as he cracks a faint smile, nodding in acknowledgement, you turn around to go home as he says, “Spencer. It’s Spencer, if you’d like.”