So I went to transcribe the Dirk Gently casting video of Mr Priest talking to a nameless CIA goon and sweet mother of mercy, season two looks dark.
Hey hey hey, what happened? I got a little foggy around the edges there, I’m sorry.
You were speaking.
Yes you were. You were telling me what happened after you arrived at the premises.
Oh. Oh well, I saw the two of them. Hold on.
Who are you referring to?
The two subjects, you know. the Tweedly-Doo and Tweedly-Dah standing out there in the paddock with their heads in the clouds and I mean I, I had approached with intent before I even got a wide eye on them, I don’t even know if they saw me. I’ll tell you what. Subject one? Freckles. He, he pulled a gun and that did not work out too nice because I shot his hand off with a shotgun and then subject two retreated into the, the uh.
At what point did you call for backup?
Who do you think I am, the stagehand? The firefighter? I mean, I’m not a doctor.
You were in violation of protocol.
I’m not sure if you are aware that if they send me out, I don’t do violations. I don’t do protocol. You know, my name’s in the logbook but ethics are not a priority. No no no, hear me out. I’m a bad person. I’m a really scary monster. I’m a no-good man. I’m troubled.
Alright alright alright. And then what happened?
Well, so Freckles is screaming because his hand is now confetti. So I shot his jaw off.
You shot him in the head?
No. I shot his jaw off, so that his jaw couldn’t be going, you know, yadda yadda yadda, driving me a bit you know. You gotta get this straight. I did not shoot him in the head. I shot his jaw off his head, which is a completely different thing. A totally different thing.
Well I am troubled, you know.
Did you do your report?
You know, you want me to get to the part where I cut the other guys nose off. That’s what we’re getting to. You’re mad cause he’s mad cause the world is bad and sad and the mean old fella cut his nose off. Don’t come crying to me about it. I mean, you ring the bell and I answer and I do the thing that I do. I’m really, I’m rather a specific tool and you have to use me in a really specific way. I cut people’s noses off. I’m just not an asset cause I’m nice.
And I’m going to tell you what, if you keep using that tone on me, I’m going to find ut where you live. I’ll find out your name first, and then I’ll find out where you live and I will come to your house. Tonight. And I’ll cut your nose off. Because I’ll just, I’ll just cut it off. And you know what they’ll say? They’ll say you shouldn’t have pissed him off.
These people, your bosses, they have empowered a psychopath, a dangerous psychopath who loves to inflict pain, and they have given him ninja assassin training. Of course, I’m referring to myself.. And they said yes to me, and by saying that they basically said fuck you to every other person in the whole wide world. So anyway yeah, two subjects retrieved, minus a hand, a jaw, and a nose.
[Picture courtesy of @everythingremainsconnected<3]