twisted tim

Dick Syrup

So @cinnamonskull and I were trying to figure out this post, and somehow we started talking about dick syrup and she asked me to write the line, “That’s something they would say in porn, you know? ‘Zoom in on the syrup. Get a nice shot of the come.’” into a JayTim fic, so here you go. 

Warning: stupid puns and innuendo ahead.

~

Jason leans over Tim’s shoulder, one hand braced on the desk and the other on the back of Tim’s chair. He squints at the computer screen, scrutinising the advertisement they’ve been working on for… a long time. So long that Jason is pretty fucking tired of looking at it; he doesn’t think he’ll be eating pancakes for a month, at best. But it’s almost finished. He hopes. Bruce has been hounding them to wrap this project up by the end of the day today.

“Zoom in on the syrup.”

Tim jerks, twisting to look up at him, his chair squeaking with the sharp movement. “What?”

“The maple syrup,” Jason says, pointing to where the syrup lands on the top pancake. There’s something off about the coloring there. He prays it’ll be a quick fix.

Tim laughs.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing, it just.” Tim rubs his temples. His shoulders shake. “Heh. It sounded sexual.”

Jason blinks. His eyes are so dry, staring at the damn computer for hours and hours. As soon as they finish this he can go home and sleep, finally. “…How?”

“Like something they would say in porn, you know? ‘Zoom in on the syrup. Get a nice shot of the come.’”

Clearly, Tim is sleep-deprived too.

“What the hell kind of porn are you watching?”

Tim laughs again, and this time it’s kind of weak and loopy. He really needs some coffee. “No, like, the come is the syrup.”

“Dick syrup?” Jason asks, deadpan. “Really?”

This time Tim positively titters. “Dick syrup!”

Jason sighs, but he can’t help the way his lips twitch up. “Come on, we’re so close to the end. Let’s finish this thing.”

Tim laughs harder. “Oh, are you close? Ready to finish?”

Jason smirks. “Yeah, you gonna help me finish?”

“I’ll show you some nice syrup,” Tim says, wiping tears from his eyes as he uses the mouse to zoom in on the spot Jason had pointed out.

“That syrup looks real good. I’d lick that up.” Jason squints. “Actually can you edit out that air bubble right there? I think that’s what made it look wierd.”

Tim works his magic and soon it’s a smooth, tasty looking waterfall of maple. He turns toward Jason with a smile. “You like that?”

Jason stands up straight and his back pops in a few places. He groans happily. “Oh yeah, perfect. You do it so good.”

Jason joins in this time when Tim breaks down laughing.

~

The next morning they get called in to HR for a lecture about workplace romances and what is and is not appropriate behavior, the head of HR waving a noise complaint and giving them a very disappointed look.

Accusations

Trigger Warnings For: Sexual assault, mentions of rape and sexual harassment.

———-

Small towns are terrible places. Gossip spreads like there’s no tomorrow and it’s impossible to stem the tide before everyone knows whatever was being whispered about; getting the facts out there can be even harder with everyone insisting what they knew absolutely had to be true. Small towns are also quiet, dull places with little to do, with communities reluctant to try or welcome anything new, forever set in their ways.

I’d always seen myself getting out of here the second I graduated high school. I’d go off to college and never look back. That was the plan anyway, but life tends to not go the way we envisioned it would. Sometimes that’s a good thing but most of the time it’s nothing but a road to disappointment.

For me – despite my general shockingly awful luck – it was a good thing. I didn’t leave because in my senior year I met the love of my life. I’d never been big on such nonsense, the notion of childhood sweethearts had been something laughable to me up to that point and I’d always mentally told myself ‘give them a month after school is done’ to all the couples in my year who insisted they’d be together forever.

That all changed when I met Tim.

Keep reading

Happily Ever After - escape series

Characters: Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, The Kent Bros.
Pairing: jondami, timkon
Summary: If any of them were asked, it’d be unanimous. None of them a lick of remorse for what they’d done. 
A/N: They live on an island or coastline or something. Jason’s basically made it his mission in life, now that his sibs and their lovers are safe, to antagonize Dick and his very existence. This is a few months after the last bit. Cass and Jason do eventually go visit. Tim and Damian still try to convince them to stay forever.

Stuff for the Escape series

~~

Keep reading

Scandalous

For JayTim week- Valentines edition, day two: Lingerie 

rating: T

length: 1.4K

summary: There he is.

Over two hundred pounds of sharpened muscle. Thick, calloused skin. Coarse, wiry, dark hair everywhere. Scars.  

All on display, and made even more pronounced by the sweet, delicate interruption.

And Jason feels…

Feels.

He feels vulnerable.

And silly.

And pretty.

And ashamed.

And strong.

And. Right.

He feels content.

Jason Todd is happy.

(AO3)

A/N: Thanks so very much to @masteroftherebels for your help on this one <3<3<3<3

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Serious Discourse

“Steph?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t I have boobs to balance my food on?” Tim stares mournfully at the bowl of chips that have toppled into his lap, “Then I could snack AND work on case files at the same time.

“1) You’re an idiot.” When Tim twists to stare at her betrayed, Steph continues viciously, “2) Because you got the wrong chromosome. And 3) you don’t have enough muscle mass to make it work like Bruce’s rack.”

Tim throws a chip at her.

It’s like the hunger games.

There are no survivors.