twelve poets

I understand him now. He was lonely and needed someone. He was lonely, and lonely people will pull the trigger eventually.
—  Philippa A. Madsen - Twelve months
Birthday Girl (Philip X Reader)

WEDIM Day Twelve

PHILIP HAMILTON X READER

WORD COUNT: 1706

WARNINGS: None, Fluff

SUMMARY: 19. 19 years old and not wed. To my father, this is an absolute disgrace. So naturally, he goes and finds some ‘fitting young men’ to come to my party. However, his plans go awry when the person who hates most makes a surprise visit bearing the best gift of all

A/N: This was requested by the ever lovely @bethanystan . Y’all need to go pester her to start writing again because she’s so good but she doesn’t believe in herself (and she has no ideas) I hope you are all well, and I hope you haven enjoyed the first twelve days of WEDIM!


I had known Philip since I was four years old. My family moved from Georgia to New York and thanks to our mothers getting along so well we ended up growing up together. We were only a month apart in age so up until the age of ten our birthday parties were always put together. My mother died when I was eight and although I still saw the Hamiltons regularly things were never quite the same. 

Much to my father’s disapproval, Phillip and I were best friends. My father could not understand that a man and a woman could be so close, in his mind women only made wives, then babies. There was no way a woman could be of intellectual equality to a man. But none the less we remained best friends throughout school and then when Philip went off to college we would write near every day and would always make time to see each other.

My nineteenth birthday rolled around and my father decided that would be the best time to find a husband because in his words: I was not going to stay ‘young and pure’ for very much longer. I was having my party at my Aunt and Uncle’s house and my father had invited three suitors he thought fit. I already knew I wouldn’t like them but I had no choice in the matter. I only had to talk to them once

My maid helped me get ready. I was wearing a gorgeous pastel blue gown with matching pumps. My hair was down and curled into tight curls which were then pinned back. A little makeup and I was ready to go.

My Aunt and Uncle lived in a big house in the city. Their house was just in front of the park and was absolutely huge on the inside. It was perfect for a party, and they happily obliged to letting me host one there. I’d invited my friends and their husbands/fiancés, Philip and his newest girlfriend were going to be there along with several members of my family.

The carriage ride to my Aunt and Uncles house took an hour so I settled in comfortably reading a book I had brought with me though I couldn’t really concentrate. My mind kept wandering back to Philip.

Recently, he’d been much more distant, ever since he’d got his new girlfriend. It wasn’t a rare thing for Philip to disappear for a day or two with a new girlfriend, as I’d been told multiple times by multiple women, he was very attentive in bed. But this time things were different, he didn’t write me once in the last week. He was barely home and when he was he was talking to his father about some college work then leaving straight after.

Angelica and Mrs Hamilton said that they had met this mystery girl once. Apparently, she was a barmaid in downtown Manhattan. She was beautiful, small curvy frame flawless skin and the most captivatingly bright blue eyes. A spout of jealousy grew within me as I thought about her. She was taking my best friend!

The more I thought about it the more I began to question my affections. Maybe I felt something more than friendship for the eldest Hamilton. No, I couldn’t! Sure, we’d shared a drunken kiss once or twice but there was nothing more than friendship… right? My head was in a spin, I couldn’t keep my mind focused on anything else. Maybe Father was right, men and women cannot just be friends.

I arrived at the house within the hour and everyone was already there, waiting for me to arrive. My father was waiting for the door and helped me out of the carriage. He smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

“How is my birthday girl?” He asked kindly,

“I’m well, how was your meeting with Senator Schuyler?”

“Good, everything went to plan. I also had a chance to meet the men I chose for you to meet tonight,”

“Father-“

“Y/n, we’ve had this talk on countless occasions before. I will not stand for my only daughter being nearly twenty and not wed. I would like to meet my grandchildren,” He said, seriously. I sighed, knowing there was no way out of this now. My father nodded in agreement to my silence on the matter and held out his hand for me to take. I did and together we walked into the house and into the big reception room where everyone was waiting.

We descended down the stairs and every clapped politely. Looking around I noticed a few of my friends, Lindsay, Hannah, Mary, Madeline but there was one person missing. Philip. I was disappointed, I really missed he’d come, I missed him so much and I hoped tonight I would at least get to see him. All was not lost, I would still have a great time.

The music began playing and I wove my way through the crowd of people, saying hellos and introducing various people to each other as I went then I got to my friends who quickly handed me a drink of champagne.

“Y/n!” Madeline squealed as she gave me a quick hug. “Happy Birthday,”

“Thank you,” I smiled.

“Happy Birthday!” Lindsay, Hannah and Mary sang together as they returned to the little group.

“So… Have you met any of your suitors yet?” Hannah teased.

“No, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible,”

“Well, you haven’t even met me yet,” A smooth voice said from behind me. I turned around and saw the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen. He was tall and very fit. He had surprisingly long dark hair and matching eyes that I seemed to get lost in, “Hi, I’m Thomas,”

“Y/n,” I said quickly after realising that I had been staring. “I’m Y/n,”

“I know, your father said you’d be here,” Thomas smiled, “I hope you don’t mind me taking your gorgeous friend for a while ladies?”

“Oh no, be our guest,” Mary giggled giving me a little push closer to Thomas.

“Have fun!” My friends called after me, I glanced back at them and grinned. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

We danced for while then Thomas took me upstairs and out to the small baloney which looked over the city park.

“It’s beautiful out tonight,” He commented as he leant against the metal railing.

“Quite,” I agreed. There was silence for a moment before Thomas piped up again.

“It’s quite odd for someone of your status to be un-wed,”

“Well I suppose I’m picky,” I shrugged.

“But can someone like you really afford to do that?”

“Excuse me?” I moved away from him, my hands on my hips in disgust.

“Well, you aren’t going to get any better looking you?”

“Are you calling me ugly, sir?” 

“No-“

“But I’m not going get any better than you? Excuse me sir but what exactly is so attractive about you?”

“You forget who my family is, Y/n,” Thomas hissed grabbing my arm roughly, taking me by surprise.

“You forget who mine is Thomas,” I growled back.

We stared at each other angrily, Thomas still holding a strong grip on my arm. Eventually, I ripped it away and stepped out his way.

“I suggest you leave before I shout for my father,” I said. Thomas glared at me but walked away.  I turned away from the doorway and angrily ripped the leaves off the climbers growing up to the balcony.

I thought I had a chance with Thomas, he was handsome and literally the definition of my type. Except for the fact he was a massive asshole. Of course, my father would choose someone like that. I could go back to the girls and forget about the whole situation. But there would be others, maybe ones even worse than Thomas so I decided to stay where I was on the balcony, angrily picking leaves off the plants climbing the railings.  

“Miss L/n?” A voice said from behind me, still annoyed with what had just happened I did not even bother to turn around.

“Leave me alone,” I said bitterly.

“But I brought you a beer?”

Only one person would ever bring me a beer. It was Philip. I turned around and gasped happily when I saw it was him. He put his glasses down and gave me a big hug.

“I thought you weren’t coming? Father said-“

“You’re Father forbid me from coming tonight, I know, but I couldn’t miss out on your party could I?”

“He’ll kill you if he finds out you’re here,”

“At least I die a happy man,” Philip smiled, his hands were still on my waist and there was something different about the way he was looking at me. It was almost lovingly.

“Philip, are you alright?”

“I’ve never been better,”

“Where’s Annabeth?”

“Annabeth? Oh, she couldn’t come tonight,” Philip said uncomfortably.

“Why not? I thought you really liked her,”

“I did, she was gorgeous but she has nothing on you,” Philip took my hand and looked me straight in the eye, “Absolutely nothing,”

“Are you okay Philip? You’re acting rather odd,”

“I’m not. I’ve just finally got up the courage to finally say this to you,” He took a deep breath and swallowed down his nerves. I waited anxiously for what he was going to say. “You’re beautiful Y/n. Every single thing about you is perfect and I don’t know why I didn’t realise how in love I was with you.” Philip gave a short laugh and shook his head, “Maybe that’s why I sleep with those women, I’m just trying to get the thought out of my head that I do in fact love you. And I’m not talking like a best friend. I am absolutely completely in love with you. I think that’s what the problem is, my affections for you are way too much for me to fully comprehend. I don’t care anymore whether you see me in the same way or not because I just had to tell you, Y/n,”

“Mr Hamilton,” A voice called from the hallway and Philip let go of me. I frowned and gave him a worried look, “Mr Hamilton I know you’re still here,”

“I’m sorry Y/n, I have to go,” He quickly placed a kiss on my cheek and checked round the corner to see my father and two other men walking down the corridor. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, I promise,”

With that, he jumped over the railing and I hid just beside the door so the men walked past. I watched as Philip successfully landed on the grass below and blew a kiss up to me.

This would definitely be a birthday to remember.


TAGGED: 

@mybittersweetbullshituniverse @bethanystan @lindsaylove1226 @bcr36

a r i e s, the burns on your hands are not the only evidence of the tear in your heart. her kiss on your cheek scared you. the affection shown to you has taken you by surprise. learn to accept that although you do not have who you wanted, there are many that can fill her place.

t a u r u s, let your old love go and allow yourself to find someone new. not someone who will treat you like trash, nor someone who will hide you like a secret. find someone that will treat you like the goddess you truly are and take you to new heights. you deserve that.

g e m i n i, you are so far away and yet I have never felt closer to you. the distance is scary, but remember that you always have a home- and if it’s not this city, it’s the people waiting for you.

c a n c e r, my darling, look at your heart. look at these wounds. she ripped your heart out a long time ago and the tears you wept have filled the oceans that surround you, but you have not lost it all. do not call yourself heartless, for there is love in your eyes. do allow yourself to feel for another again.

l e o, is it working? the fake smile you put on, the show you wear for others- is it working? the way you hop from girl to girl, the way the high unravels your facade. detach, run away, ignore. I want you to face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself it’s going to be okay. I want you look at your mother and tell her you appreciate all she does. I want you to hold your own hand and become your own strength.

v i r g o, be safe. be loved. be happy. and do unto others as they have done unto you.

l i b r a, there is a time and place for everything but today is not your day. let the others bask in it while you take a backseat. go tell that girl you miss her. go tell that boy you don’t need him. go tell yourself that you’re finally home.

s c o r p i o, you fall so easily. you are far too loyal. and you are pushing yourself aside. please do not lose yourself in this boy unless he loses himself in you. please do not drop your life for the people who will not bother to run for you. please do not ignore your own feelings to validate all else. your mental health comes first. your physical health comes second. the rest of the world can wait.

s a g i t t a r i u s, you are in love and it is beautiful, but are you able to remember what life is like without her unless you’re holding her close? do you remember the friend you scorned in order to take her for yourself? burn your bridges as you may but do not throw the remainder of your life away for love. love her, and keep your life together. live.

c a p r i c o r n, have you finally had enough? have they finally killed you? have they finally taken all your love? good. get rid of them. take your space. breathe. then say you’re sorry.

a q u a r i u s, distractions are cheap, soulmates are not forever, and substances will only numb so much. feel everything. feel that pain. feel that misery. feel that anger… and then let it go. I know you know it isn’t hate. I know you’re happier when you’re with him. but now it’s time to learn to live without him. how did you survive before he made a home in your soul?

p i s c e s, I will forget you today. I will forget you tomorrow. and I will likely forget you for the rest of my life. and that is not your fault. that is entirely mine. but while you enjoy this dangerous boy, I cannot be there for you. he loves you. for now, that is enough.

—  twelve letters for twelve lovers [trois] ; (a.m.)

ARIES, I know. she never loved you, and the one who could lives in new york city now. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. cry, love, and let be; the storm inside your soldiers body will settle when time decides you’ve had enough. take these wounds and let them blossom into the scars that will have taught you the best lessons you could gain from a person made of hurricanes. just please, don’t follow in my footsteps. you’re too good for a life like this.

TAURUS, I fall in love with everyone I meet. it is usually platonic; in your case, it was a heavy infatuation. but not everyone is like me- and baby, you’ve got so many people looking to be a best friend or a sister or a mother to you. they’re out there. and they love you. and they don’t need you to give your heart away in order for you to love them back. this time, you’ll be safe.

GEMINI, honey, you’ve got to stop being so selfish. she’s not coming back to you and she was never yours to begin with. she belonged to the wind, to the ashes, and to the fire in her bones. she is a volcano and you are a seraphim; you will do so much better than a girl who could take you down on her path. for now, be on your own. focus on your goals. become the man you want to be. and when you come home, love will be waiting for you.

CANCER, there’s a story about a girl like you. she let her tears dry on her cheeks and threw her feelings to the air, if only to put on a happy face for her loved ones. don’t be that girl. this is a time for grieving. this is a time for solitude. do not burn bridges with your family, but do not let their impossible needs take precedence over your mental health. you matter too. you. matter. too.

LEO, I am so fucking sorry that you fell in love with the wrong girl. you thought I was sunshine with a warm breeze and a bottle of fresh cream- instead, you got a get-by girl with a lovers soul and an addicts heart. make no mistake: the fear of loving someone just as unstable as you made you crush me when you tried to save yourself. so you know what? fuck you. love me. love me greatly, love me strongly, love me as I get away and watch me fucking thrive. you don’t get to take peoples hearts and throw them away when you get scared, you selfish fucking coward. I hope you love me forever. and I hope it fucking burns.

VIRGO, I haven’t physically met you, yet the place you hold in my heart is so strong. I want you to know that she is going to take care of you- and she’s a little sad too, but she can handle the both of you. she was built for battles to be won; you were built for a world of peace. allow her to hold you while you cry, and allow her to make you smile and sigh. but do not put your all into her. do try to love yourself, too. you’re just as beautiful.

LIBRA, they whisper about you because you’re one sneaky bitch and for that I applaud you, because no one else will give you the credit. you let the world see you with your hot friends and your tall boys- you let your online presence intimidate while you burn away your heartache. cutting your losses is smart, but not through half hearted promises; you will leave many scorned. stop holding people on thin strings that will allow them to shatter you into tiny pieces when you throw them away. it’s time you learned how to be alone for a change.

SCORPIO, for an apparent ‘evil bitch’, you do have a lot of love in your soul. there are so many people who admire it and they may not return it as greatly, but the respect is there. remember: everyone is different. you cannot expect them to freeze for you the same way you would burn for them. but do not let that scare you away from matters of the heart; please, keep believing in love. it’s out there. I promise.

SAGITTARIUS, my oh my, baby boy, do I have words for you. you are beautiful. you are sunshine. you are not a tornado. you are not toxic. you are just a boy who got mixed up in bad situations all his life, and I wish you could see that. I wish you could see that you are good and you are able to be loved and one day you will find a lover who will put in the same effort you will give to them. until then, I will be here to hold you up. I will be here to be whatever you need. I’m going to do what I can to make you happy until you’ve found someone.

CAPRICORN, you are a mighty matriarch. don’t let it get to your head. you are smothering the many people who still want to love you and your patronising actions will not help your case. take a deep breath, darling. let yourself breathe. listen to your son. listen to me. listen to those you love- and then provide. they all appreciate what you do, but rarely show it in fear of inflating your ego. they will repay the favor one day.

AQUARIUS, you will care for that boy until you are blue in the face and I know it and I get it because if I was you, I would want to marry him too. and you haven’t said those words but my sweet girl, look at the burns around your chest. he is in you, he is a part of you, he has melted into your soul. please take care of him, please do- but don’t forget about yourself, too. there is a sadness inside of you, and you can’t let it manifest in the back of your mind watch him grow happy. you love this broken boy, so remember he is human- don’t let him become a distraction.

PISCES, stop. you can survive without him. you can survive without the both of them. and you sure as hell can survive without that new boy. you allow men to define you but you need to define yourself- to find yourself. you are worth so much more than the fool they have made you out to be, and you are not what all the gossip entails. you are a damn warrior. that’s not an easy title to take on.

—  twelve letters for twelve lovers (a.m.)
You want me to forget it so you stop telling me you love me on the bad days. You stop calling me twice a day and you let me leave when I say I will. You forget to return my calls and you stop calling me baby. You don’t want to see me anymore and you love me in halves because somehow, it isn’t enough for you.
So I pretend to forget it. I stop leaving you voicemails after every call you don’t answer. I stop telling you that I love you, not only on the bad days, but on the good ones too. I start misplacing things, first the letters you wrote me, second that sweatshirt you forgot at my house and lastly, my love for you. I don’t love you anymore.
—  on forgetting // thewordsyouneverunderstood
I want to be loved despite my flaws, not because of them.
—  e.m.b, Do not love me because i am broken.
It was snowing yesterday as I was walking home. The world seemed so quite and so peaceful. And for a tiny moment the voices in my head were gone. I was at peace.
—  Philippa A. Madsen - Twelve Months