i am sorry i fell in love with you i am sorry for not accepting your rejections i am sorry for being so suicidal when all you do is care
you are a flame i scorched myself on desperate to feel again after she broke my heart & i wanted to love you harder than ever yet you took my hand & sugarcoated “no” in the sweetest way i had ever heard
you are a dream-catcher above my bed lulling me to sleep, knowing that i might not be okay but you still tend to my wounds, no matter how old & i swamp you with unsolvable problems yet you still find solutions to cure the ailments
i am sorry i’ve been a terrible friend an itch you can’t scratch, a scar you can’t heal i am sorry that i couldn’t be someone you wanted a beautiful & loving piece to fit inside your broken heart
you are an escape, a field of wildflowers to lay in after a long night of wiping my tears on pillowcases & your gentle hands caress my head & promise me it’ll be okay, someday, somewhere, when i’m finally free
you are the best friend i never had & i can’t express myself enough in words just how special that place in my chest for you is a golden city for a golden boy who truly understands what it means to be a human being to someone like me
a safe space for me to let go of my armor & let the oceans flow
twelve step program / making amends / letter eight
SUMMARY: 19. 19 years old and not wed. To my father, this is an absolute disgrace. So naturally, he goes and finds some ‘fitting young men’ to come to my party. However, his plans go awry when the person who hates most makes a surprise visit bearing the best gift of all
A/N: This was requested by the ever lovely @bethanystan . Y’all need to go pester her to start writing again because she’s so good but she doesn’t believe in herself (and she has no ideas) I hope you are all well, and I hope you haven enjoyed the first twelve days of WEDIM!
I had known Philip since I was four years old. My family moved from Georgia to New York and thanks to our mothers getting along so well we ended up growing up together. We were only a month apart in age so up until the age of ten our birthday parties were always put together. My mother died when I was eight and although I still saw the Hamiltons regularly things were never quite the same.
Much to my father’s disapproval, Phillip and I were best friends. My father could not understand that a man and a woman could be so close, in his mind women only made wives, then babies. There was no way a woman could be of intellectual equality to a man. But none the less we remained best friends throughout school and then when Philip went off to college we would write near every day and would always make time to see each other.
My nineteenth birthday rolled around and my father decided that would be the best time to find a husband because in his words: I was not going to stay ‘young and pure’ for very much longer. I was having my party at my Aunt and Uncle’s house and my father had invited three suitors he thought fit. I already knew I wouldn’t like them but I had no choice in the matter. I only had to talk to them once
My maid helped me get ready. I was wearing a gorgeous pastel blue gown with matching pumps. My hair was down and curled into tight curls which were then pinned back. A little makeup and I was ready to go.
My Aunt and Uncle lived in a big house in the city. Their house was just in front of the park and was absolutely huge on the inside. It was perfect for a party, and they happily obliged to letting me host one there. I’d invited my friends and their husbands/fiancés, Philip and his newest girlfriend were going to be there along with several members of my family.
The carriage ride to my Aunt and Uncles house took an hour so I settled in comfortably reading a book I had brought with me though I couldn’t really concentrate. My mind kept wandering back to Philip.
Recently, he’d been much more distant, ever since he’d got his new girlfriend. It wasn’t a rare thing for Philip to disappear for a day or two with a new girlfriend, as I’d been told multiple times by multiple women, he was very attentive in bed. But this time things were different, he didn’t write me once in the last week. He was barely home and when he was he was talking to his father about some college work then leaving straight after.
Angelica and Mrs Hamilton said that they had met this mystery girl once. Apparently, she was a barmaid in downtown Manhattan. She was beautiful, small curvy frame flawless skin and the most captivatingly bright blue eyes. A spout of jealousy grew within me as I thought about her. She was taking my best friend!
The more I thought about it the more I began to question my affections. Maybe I felt something more than friendship for the eldest Hamilton. No, I couldn’t! Sure, we’d shared a drunken kiss once or twice but there was nothing more than friendship… right? My head was in a spin, I couldn’t keep my mind focused on anything else. Maybe Father was right, men and women cannot just be friends.
I arrived at the house within the hour and everyone was already there, waiting for me to arrive. My father was waiting for the door and helped me out of the carriage. He smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
“How is my birthday girl?” He asked kindly,
“I’m well, how was your meeting with Senator Schuyler?”
“Good, everything went to plan. I also had a chance to meet the men I chose for you to meet tonight,”
“Y/n, we’ve had this talk on countless occasions before. I will not stand for my only daughter being nearly twenty and not wed. I would like to meet my grandchildren,” He said, seriously. I sighed, knowing there was no way out of this now. My father nodded in agreement to my silence on the matter and held out his hand for me to take. I did and together we walked into the house and into the big reception room where everyone was waiting.
We descended down the stairs and every clapped politely. Looking around I noticed a few of my friends, Lindsay, Hannah, Mary, Madeline but there was one person missing. Philip. I was disappointed, I really missed he’d come, I missed him so much and I hoped tonight I would at least get to see him. All was not lost, I would still have a great time.
The music began playing and I wove my way through the crowd of people, saying hellos and introducing various people to each other as I went then I got to my friends who quickly handed me a drink of champagne.
“Y/n!” Madeline squealed as she gave me a quick hug. “Happy Birthday,”
“Thank you,” I smiled.
“Happy Birthday!” Lindsay, Hannah and Mary sang together as they returned to the little group.
“So… Have you met any of your suitors yet?” Hannah teased.
“No, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible,”
“Well, you haven’t even met me yet,” A smooth voice said from behind me. I turned around and saw the most gorgeous man I’d ever seen. He was tall and very fit. He had surprisingly long dark hair and matching eyes that I seemed to get lost in, “Hi, I’m Thomas,”
“Y/n,” I said quickly after realising that I had been staring. “I’m Y/n,”
“I know, your father said you’d be here,” Thomas smiled, “I hope you don’t mind me taking your gorgeous friend for a while ladies?”
“Oh no, be our guest,” Mary giggled giving me a little push closer to Thomas.
“Have fun!” My friends called after me, I glanced back at them and grinned. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
We danced for while then Thomas took me upstairs and out to the small baloney which looked over the city park.
“It’s beautiful out tonight,” He commented as he leant against the metal railing.
“Quite,” I agreed. There was silence for a moment before Thomas piped up again.
“It’s quite odd for someone of your status to be un-wed,”
“Well I suppose I’m picky,” I shrugged.
“But can someone like you really afford to do that?”
“Excuse me?” I moved away from him, my hands on my hips in disgust.
“Well, you aren’t going to get any better looking you?”
“Are you calling me ugly, sir?”
“But I’m not going get any better than you? Excuse me sir but what exactly is so attractive about you?”
“You forget who my family is, Y/n,” Thomas hissed grabbing my arm roughly, taking me by surprise.
“You forget who mine is Thomas,” I growled back.
We stared at each other angrily, Thomas still holding a strong grip on my arm. Eventually, I ripped it away and stepped out his way.
“I suggest you leave before I shout for my father,” I said. Thomas glared at me but walked away. I turned away from the doorway and angrily ripped the leaves off the climbers growing up to the balcony.
I thought I had a chance with Thomas, he was handsome and literally the definition of my type. Except for the fact he was a massive asshole. Of course, my father would choose someone like that. I could go back to the girls and forget about the whole situation. But there would be others, maybe ones even worse than Thomas so I decided to stay where I was on the balcony, angrily picking leaves off the plants climbing the railings.
“Miss L/n?” A voice said from behind me, still annoyed with what had just happened I did not even bother to turn around.
“Leave me alone,” I said bitterly.
“But I brought you a beer?”
Only one person would ever bring me a beer. It was Philip. I turned around and gasped happily when I saw it was him. He put his glasses down and gave me a big hug.
“I thought you weren’t coming? Father said-“
“You’re Father forbid me from coming tonight, I know, but I couldn’t miss out on your party could I?”
“He’ll kill you if he finds out you’re here,”
“At least I die a happy man,” Philip smiled, his hands were still on my waist and there was something different about the way he was looking at me. It was almost lovingly.
“Philip, are you alright?”
“I’ve never been better,”
“Annabeth? Oh, she couldn’t come tonight,” Philip said uncomfortably.
“Why not? I thought you really liked her,”
“I did, she was gorgeous but she has nothing on you,” Philip took my hand and looked me straight in the eye, “Absolutely nothing,”
“Are you okay Philip? You’re acting rather odd,”
“I’m not. I’ve just finally got up the courage to finally say this to you,” He took a deep breath and swallowed down his nerves. I waited anxiously for what he was going to say. “You’re beautiful Y/n. Every single thing about you is perfect and I don’t know why I didn’t realise how in love I was with you.” Philip gave a short laugh and shook his head, “Maybe that’s why I sleep with those women, I’m just trying to get the thought out of my head that I do in fact love you. And I’m not talking like a best friend. I am absolutely completely in love with you. I think that’s what the problem is, my affections for you are way too much for me to fully comprehend. I don’t care anymore whether you see me in the same way or not because I just had to tell you, Y/n,”
“Mr Hamilton,” A voice called from the hallway and Philip let go of me. I frowned and gave him a worried look, “Mr Hamilton I know you’re still here,”
“I’m sorry Y/n, I have to go,” He quickly placed a kiss on my cheek and checked round the corner to see my father and two other men walking down the corridor. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, I promise,”
With that, he jumped over the railing and I hid just beside the door so the men walked past. I watched as Philip successfully landed on the grass below and blew a kiss up to me.
a r i e s, the burns on your hands are not the only evidence of the tear in your heart. her kiss on your cheek scared you. the affection shown to you has taken you by surprise. learn to accept that although you do not have who you wanted, there are many that can fill her place.
t a u r u s, let your old love go and allow yourself to find someone new. not someone who will treat you like trash, nor someone who will hide you like a secret. find someone that will treat you like the goddess you truly are and take you to new heights. you deserve that.
g e m i n i, you are so far away and yet I have never felt closer to you. the distance is scary, but remember that you always have a home- and if it’s not this city, it’s the people waiting for you.
c a n c e r, my darling, look at your heart. look at these wounds. she ripped your heart out a long time ago and the tears you wept have filled the oceans that surround you, but you have not lost it all. do not call yourself heartless, for there is love in your eyes. do allow yourself to feel for another again.
l e o, is it working? the fake smile you put on, the show you wear for others- is it working? the way you hop from girl to girl, the way the high unravels your facade. detach, run away, ignore. I want you to face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself it’s going to be okay. I want you look at your mother and tell her you appreciate all she does. I want you to hold your own hand and become your own strength.
v i r g o, be safe. be loved. be happy. and do unto others as they have done unto you.
l i b r a, there is a time and place for everything but today is not your day. let the others bask in it while you take a backseat. go tell that girl you miss her. go tell that boy you don’t need him. go tell yourself that you’re finally home.
s c o r p i o, you fall so easily. you are far too loyal. and you are pushing yourself aside. please do not lose yourself in this boy unless he loses himself in you. please do not drop your life for the people who will not bother to run for you. please do not ignore your own feelings to validate all else. your mental health comes first. your physical health comes second. the rest of the world can wait.
s a g i t t a r i u s, you are in love and it is beautiful, but are you able to remember what life is like without her unless you’re holding her close? do you remember the friend you scorned in order to take her for yourself? burn your bridges as you may but do not throw the remainder of your life away for love. love her, and keep your life together. live.
c a p r i c o r n, have you finally had enough? have they finally killed you? have they finally taken all your love? good. get rid of them. take your space. breathe. then say you’re sorry.
a q u a r i u s, distractions are cheap, soulmates are not forever, and substances will only numb so much. feel everything. feel that pain. feel that misery. feel that anger… and then let it go. I know you know it isn’t hate. I know you’re happier when you’re with him. but now it’s time to learn to live without him. how did you survive before he made a home in your soul?
p i s c e s, I will forget you today. I will forget you tomorrow. and I will likely forget you for the rest of my life. and that is not your fault. that is entirely mine. but while you enjoy this dangerous boy, I cannot be there for you. he loves you. for now, that is enough.
twelve letters for twelve lovers [trois] ; (a.m.)
i am sorry if i act crazy or defensive or if i curl up in sadness or fear i am sorry for random outbursts & silent nights i am sorry for being too cozy or too detached i am sorry if i still hurt myself intentionally i am sorry if i tell you i am fine when we both know i’m not
i am a wild card & i am depression
i forgot what happiness tasted like so i’ll need you to kiss me every moment you have i forgot how sunshine feels in my veins so i’ll need you to touch me when i ask you to
i am sorry if i seem distant in another world or when my eyes turn to glass etch me a poem on my skin with your fingers & i’ll melt in your touch
i am sorry if i am too needy i have been alone for way too long i am sorry if the bad nights are too often & the good nights too little i am diseased with my own mind & i can’t ever keep it together
i am sorry if it doesn’t seem i love you but i will love you always even when i ask to be alone to cry or when i ask you to curl in bed with me
my love shows in many forms even in the darkening silence, it’s there, whispering to you you need a patient ear & an open heart i will put every ounce of effort into you & i do not expect it in return, for i am too forgiving & selfless
i will write you poetry & sing you to sleep i will dream of you when i am sad & miss you when you are gone i will protect your heart inside of mine with no promises kept on your end
i am sorry if you say i’m not good enough this time i am sorry if it feels like i didn’t try my best
but i promise to always try as long as you’ll let me
twelve step program / making amends / letter eleven / final forgiveness
ARIES, no one will say it, but it’s lovely to see you smiling for a change. they say smiling on the outside makes someone feel happier within- is it working? tricking yourself into happiness will last a while, but the fallback is harsh, so try to cushion your soul. prepare.
TAURUS, I like to believe that the love-sickness hiding in your soul was planted there by some higher power so that when you do find the right person to love, they’ll never feel an ounce of emptiness in your presence. take pride in your immense love and never let it go. one day, you’ll be able to give to someone who will return it tenfold.
GEMINI, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. we can’t go one night without mentioning you. I miss you. I know you can’t come home right now but I am counting down the days until you do.
CANCER, I’m sorry it went this way. but tomorrow is a new day. take your memories of the past with you, and strive. but do remember who loves you. and please, be good to them. it may be tough, but sometimes it’s best you bite your tongue.
LEO, you’ve given up on a lot recently. I know I’ve been harsh, but it kills me to see you like this. take my advice: loving someone new will be difficult- but the love you will get in return will be worth the fire of your soul. forgiving the one before your new person will be near impossible- but if you can move on, you will find yourself able to smile at her again without choking back tears. loving yourself sounds like a dream- but it can be a reality, because you are loved. to reach these points, though, you must be truthful- communicate with your new love, sit your past love down and explain, and work through your feelings. you will feel relief, in the end. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be kind to you before.
VIRGO, it’s okay to be scared. baby, love is scary. but you are so good for her. and she is so good for you. and she isn’t that person that hurt you, once. she loves you more than anyone ever could. encourage her to chase her dreams- and remember that you are a part of them. you are important. never think yourself as anything less.
LIBRA, we all see you laughing and pretending and doing things to piss your past friends off. I just wish you could be honest with yourself. this isn’t making you happy. it’s killing you.
SCORPIO, it’s time for you to stop trying to manipulate your relationships with others and just accept the plain fact that not everything can work how you want it. I’m sorry things are this way, but he’s never going to love you, she’s never going to be real, and you need to quit procrastinating and focus on your future.
SAGITTARIUS, please don’t fall for her deeper than you already have. this is not bias talking, this is worry, because we all see how much more sad she has made you in a matter of days. she is toxic. she needs someone who can take care of her- and you need someone who can take care of you. you cannot be that for each other.
CAPRICORN, you only need to hear two things: everything is going to be okay, and that I love you. basic words that carry heavy weights. take them as you will.
AQUARIUS, I need you now more than ever and I am sorry I’m another soul for you to carry- you’re just so good at it. please do not view others as burdens, but do not allow them to become more important than yourself. are you truly doing what makes you happy?
PISCES, you are chained to him. now, it’s time to set yourself free- and only you know how to do it, so stop being scared and do it.
twelve letters for twelve lovers [deux] ; (a.m.)
i am sorry that you read depression spilling from my fingers i am sorry i feel tingles in my stomach when you message me
i am a mess & you are the broom sweeping me up dusting me off & wishing me well i am a cauldron of diseased misery & you are the silver spoon drinking me & appreciating my bitter taste
i haven’t hurt you
/ yet /
but i might soon enough once my claws are deep in your spine & you dream of escaping this hellhole i’ve written for you our friendship is sacred & you are a saint please take caution the more you get to know me my insides are tombs & cobwebbed lies
i am sorry for letting you in [you may never get out]
but i am not sorry for meeting you inspiration blooms from your lips & i’ve tasted the honey oozing you are a sweet & delicate human & i thank you for sticking by me when i thought everyone gave up on me
twelve step program / making amends / letter seven
You want me to forget it so you stop telling me you love me on the bad days. You stop calling me twice a day and you let me leave when I say I will. You forget to return my calls and you stop calling me baby. You don’t want to see me anymore and you love me in halves because somehow, it isn’t enough for you.
So I pretend to forget it. I stop leaving you voicemails after every call you don’t answer. I stop telling you that I love you, not only on the bad days, but on the good ones too. I start misplacing things, first the letters you wrote me, second that sweatshirt you forgot at my house and lastly, my love for you. I don’t love you anymore.
‘Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish, what good amid these, oh, me, oh, life?’ Answer: That you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?