tw-:ed

in five days I will be another year older!!!!!  Looking back on 22 it was an amazing year, and I grew up and into myself a LOT.  but I also definitely struggled the most with weight that I ever have in my life this year.  I went from upper 120′s to 109 and before this year I weighed more than the upper 120.  I was MISERABLE.  I cried every single day about my weight, I never went out because I didn’t feel confident in myself.  I let my feeling of being too heavy keep me from so much.  So then this year I finally felt thin and confident and started having so much fun which is great!  But if I said I was healthy about my weight loss I’d be lying.  very very much so.  I’m still so happy to have lost weight, and I do prefer to be this weight, but cutting food out of my life was not and is not ever worth it.  eat!  eat until your heart is happy, because even if you weigh what you’ve always wanted to feeling physically ill every day will never be worth it.  You will affect yourself and the ones you love the most and you will not be happy like you thought you could be.  please trust me, food is your friend. 

1. You’d take him back. You’d take him back in a heartbeat, if it meant being his again.

2. The reason you didn’t sleep last night isn’t that you had to stay up doing homework till three in the morning. The reason is that you were going through old text conversations looking for a change. A shift, somewhere that you can identify as the point where he stopped loving you like before. Those kinds of things keep you up at night now.

3. You don’t need him anymore, but you want him. You want his smile in the morning and his laugh and his dumb jokes and his funny faces. You want it all because he means the world to you and every part of him is a part that you want to love.

4. You’re seventeen, but you drink like you’ve lived a lifetime of pain. You drink because you’ve had your heart ripped out- and you have tried to replace his love with other things, but only alcohol can make your heart race the way he used to.

5. Coffee tastes bitter on your tongue but you read online somewhere that it makes you less hungry so now you like bitter. Bitter is the only thing you want. And in the back of your mind you know it isn’t healthy and it’s not right but maybe if you get a little thinner you’ll be worth loving. Maybe if you tried a little harder at looking the right way and talking the right way rather than being loud and hungry, you’ll be enough. He’s made you question everything, and suddenly all you’ll wonder is why you weren’t worth loving.

6. You’d take him back. You’d take him back and you’d do anything to make him want you again, even when you know that he probably never wanted you in the first place.

—  Six things you won’t tell your friends
2

When I was 16 years old, my dad told me that “I was looking awfully thin.”
My doctor showed me charts signifying healthy weights for people of my height and explained that I was not on it.
My mom told me that my skin was very yellow and she was “concerned.”
My softball coach asked if I’d lost weight since the previous season, and I told him he was being “mean.”
I told myself that I was undeserving.
When I turned 17, my doctor explained that my yellow skin, discoloration on the back of my legs, and loss of a menstruation cycle were due to weight loss.
My volleyball coaches and doctor threatened to make me quit the team if I didn’t show improvement.
My coach saw the bruises on my hip bones and said that she used to bruise easily, too, when she was “skinny.”
My grandma said that I could “definitely afford to gain a few pounds.”
My sister told me she could “probably make a fist around my leg.”
I told myself that I needed to lose weight.
Now, at 18, my dad asks me to help him carry the soil to his garden, because I’m the “strong one around here.”
My grandma says that she is “so impressed” with my ability to work out as hard as I do.
My sister comes to me for health advice.
My gym instructor says that my progress is admirable and my legs are looking really “strong.”
I tell myself that I’m enough.

I no longer wake up, weigh myself, and determine whether or not I will be eating breakfast. I no longer have fights with my mom over eating carrots for every meal. I no longer cry after eating ‘too much’ pineapple. I no longer come home from a bike ride and fall to the floor, too light headed to see. I no longer do 30 situps everytime I use the restroom. I no longer run the treadmill until the ‘calories burned’ matches the amount in my dinner.

Not everyday is perfect and sometimes my mind still tries to fight me. The difference is, I now fight back.

Be your own warrior. - oatsnjen

youtube

hermionejg’s old video on self care is helping me get through a really tough night with my eating disorder. i just want to say 1) thank you, you’re an absolute inspiration and honestly one of my biggest role models and 2) if you are struggling like me tonight, please watch. a body is a body, first and foremost. we have to treat them like that.

anonymous asked:

So, i have a lot of stretch marks all over my body from being overweight a few years ago and going through the peak of my eating disorder (finally at a weight im comfortable at holla). Though most are quite faded i still feel so self conscious to wear clothes that expose them because they make me feel like im damaged and inferior to other girls. Do you have any wisdom you can share with me?

congratulations on overcoming something so huge i am so proud of u!! i am covered in stretch marks! (a great line from a poem by andrea gibson comes to mind, “in the end, i want a heart covered in stretch marks”. always makes me want to cry) i used to be so conscious of them i would not wear anything that revealed them, but now i don’t mind. so many people have them, and i got a tattoo, a tattoo i love given to me by a friend, right on a spot where the biggest white, faded rips are. and so in having the words “smug fucker” written permanently on my hip, in wanting to show people it to make them laugh, i got used to exposing the stretch marks as a part of me just like any other. you will learn not to care so much, but something like a tattoo can help, not to cover them, but to acknowledge that the marked skin is still just skin, and can be drawn on and displayed like any other.

6

If anyone needed their daily dose of ally here ya go (lol I’m joking).

But really, you wouldn’t believe it from the amount of selfies I took, but I felt like actual poop about my body today. And my face. And really, everything.

I’m laying in bed now watching full house and looking back on selfies that I, for some reason, thought I looked large and gross in. I don’t know what this is and I don’t like it, but hey. I’ll overcome it.

anonymous asked:

Hey, so I have been recovered from my eating disorder for about a year now. And I'm comfortable with my new body but I actually have to wear a bra now and have an ass and I have no idea how to dress that's not just wearing like saggy clothes. Do u have any recommendations on how to like change my wardrobe for this new body :/

okay firstly, i love this!!!!, i love that you’re ready to embrace a healthier body and dress it and enjoy it, i teared up a lil actually!! my wonderful person the entire world is your oyster, you have got some curves, you have got mad form, and there are so many approaches you can take!! get yourself some high waisted levis, sick t shirts, crop tops, long sleeves, form fitting dresses, thrift some skirts that hug your hips, look into mad knitted sweaters, boots, vans, heels, oh my gosh there is so much you can do!! your body is something you own, we all have the privilege of getting to accessorise and dress it up, (taking into account your finances) and right now, you’re comfortable with the way you look, so take advantage of that! look at all your favourite film characters, look at the way FKA twigs dresses when she’s going on a casual stroll, start building an archive of clothing inspiration. i am so so proud of you, and even though dressing your healthy body is a step you have to primarily figure out on your own, i am so excited to see what you come up with!!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I look normal and fine, sometimes I look and all I see is fat, and then sometimes I look and all I can think is that I’m so skinny wtf.

Can a mirror just tell the truth for once lol? That’d be nice

Sometimes it just hits me

I lost 60 lbs in less than a year. I was not even overweight to begin with. That is alarming.

I lost that weight using unhealthy methods. I didn’t make my body ‘perfect’, I nearly ruined it. I’m lucky to be alive.

I deserve to recover. I deserve to fix my body and repair the damage that has been done.

anonymous asked:

Why are you scared to get back to your previous ED weight? Can you post a pic of what you looked like vs now?

So, that’s why it’s really, REALLY difficult for me to gain weight. 

And right now? I’m not satisfied or proud of my body. Everything is a mess and I’m just working to get healthy again.

I had some chocolate at work today and I was feeling preeettty gross about it because I have been eating fairly clean and healthy as of late so I thought if ruined all of my hard work and shit… but then I was like ‘lol wait that is just my ED talking’. I enjoyed that Reese’s PB Cup, god dammit! I enjoyed the heck out of it. And normal ass people who know how to eat regularly and have a healthy relationship with food can eat one chocolate after having a salad for lunch and be like 'yeah, so?’ AND y'know what– that’s gonna be my fucking attitude from here on out maybe possibly. Treating yourself isn’t bad. I just need to remember to find a balance.

Beep boop stuff about food.

I’ve been put on trays for dinner so I have a better chance at trying to eat the foods.

So my plan was to distract myself by making an oblivion charachter and eat while focusing on playing a game becsuse that works for me at home. I don’t end up thinking about what I’ve eaten or how much if I’m not paying attention.

Except since Sunday I’ve had a grand total of four peices of dry toast and now that Food That Smells Like Food is here I feel like I’m going to be sick. I didn’t notice I was hungry before but now I do and it’s acutely painful and my mouth is cramping like I’m about to be sick

Fml. Why do I do this to myself.

I like coming to terms with the fact that I would look fine - maybe even better, with a little more weight on me. Granted this is how I feel right now, and in 20 minutes I could feel completely different.

You know, I’ve lost weight and have been able to look back at pictures of when I was heavier. All I can think is that I was SOOOO oblivious so how ugly, gross, and fat I was.

But honestly, at the time? I probably thought I was drop dead gorgeous. I WAS and still am, a hottie. But I think that one of the big reasons as to why I’m scared to gain weight is that I’m scared that I’m going to be oblivious to how ‘ugly’ I am.

anonymous asked:

Ally... I've been having thoughts for a while that after I eat I wanna throw up. and I've never made myself do it but I just hate seeing myself gain weight.. I've noticed I've gotten bigger and I just want myself to be happy..

MAJOR TW. Do not read if you are at all triggered by eating disorder related topics.

Hello, my darling anon.

So, here is why you shouldn’t ever make yourself throw up. I know that it’s tempting. I remember being in your exact same position after many, many binges. All I could think was, “If only I could just do this all over again and not have binged.” In a way, that’s how I pictured purging to be like - making it so the binge never even happened. That’s not how it is at all, because when you purge, you’re doing far more damage to your body than you would just binging. You’re forcing your body to perform a task that it doesn’t want to do. You’re putting it through pain, stress, and you’re draining it of all it’s energy. That’s far worse, and the toll it has on your mental and physical health can be permanent.

And you can’t just do it once. It’s very easy to start binging with the idea that you’re just going to purge it afterwards. You become incredibly more prone to binging, to the point where it just takes over your entire life. You’re binging and purging every single day, sometimes multiple times in a day. You waste SO much money buying food. $100 here, $100 there, but your ED doesn’t care. Your face is always swollen and puffy, your glands are swollen, you have marks all over your hands from where you have literally shoved your fingers in and out of your mouth, and up and down your throat. Your throat burns whenever you drink water and eat food. You try to purge and you can’t, because it’s the third time that day, and you begin to cry because you have to keep a binge down.

You push people away and isolate yourself from them, just so you can be alone to binge and purge. You cancel plans with friends, dates, and you try to get out of almost everything if there’s a chance that there’s food there and you can’t purge it. It turns into an obsession, and it’s so damn hard to stop.

And that’s only the beginning, what’s on the outside. On the inside, you are dying.

That is why you should never make yourself throw up. Anon, I don’t care what you ate or what you binged on. Don’t start, not even once, because it turns into something you would never expect. You lose your dignity, your health, and your happiness.