tw-:ed

ok i hope this isn’t like too personal but im rly excited bc th heaviest ive ever been in my entire life was 102 when I was 15 n i dropped all the way down to 92 this past year bc of stress making my eating problems worse but i tried rly rly hard 2 fight it in th last few months and i finally got back up to 102 today :’))))

Today I faced my first major fear food in the college dining hall. Sausage and pepper pizza. Last time I tried to tackle pizza ended miserably, so this was really a redemption for me.

I saw the pizza, it sounded delicious, so I let myself have some for dinner. Nothing wrong with that. My brain may be worrying about the effect on my weight (I hate the term “freshman 15″), but I know there’s no reason to restrict. It was just a meal, and I still deserve/need to have a snack later.

Well last night I went to a staff party and got shitfaced for the first time ever. I’ve been thoroughly tipsy, enough to text people nonsense, but last night I was so gone

I have no idea what I drank, I mixed which was an awful idea. I passed out on the sofa in the bar area (I work at the community theatre) and my mum picked me up at 10pm- I didn’t have a hangover, I woke up still a bit drunk, the only things that hurt are my pride and my iPod (which I dropped and shattered, though I’ve told my parents I did it this morning)

But this was a learning curb, I know that I’m too small to mix and do shots, and I seriously need to pace myself. I think it was my coworkers way of initiating me into the group, my cousins who also work there get pissed a lot. Despite everything, I made friends with the people I hadn’t met till that point and I never want to get in that state ever again. How do people go out with the intention of not being in control of their limbs? I’m giving my body a rest today and I’m going to watch some Netflix in a moment. Surprising the the ED thoughts aren’t as loud as I thought they’d be today, I went out for a bacon sandwich today as I was promised it’d make everything better and I was okay, so that’s good

stop making the face of eating disorders a skinny girl who sees a bigger girl in the mirror. stop alienating and putting down the bigger girls suffering from eating disorders that already originate in being made to feel uncomfortable with their bodies

The day the doctors and nurses are having
their weekly patient interviews, I sit waiting
my turn outside the office, my back to the wall,
legs curled up under my chin, playing

with the hem of my white hospital gown.
They have taken everything they thought
should be taken — my clothes, my books
my music, as if being stripped of these

were part of the cure, like removing the sheath
from a blade that has slaughtered.
They said, Wait a few days, and if you’re good
you can have your things back. They’d taken

my journal, my word made flesh, and I think
of those doctors knowing me naked
holding me by my spine, two fingers
under my neck, the way you would hold a baby,

taking my soul from between my ribs
and leafing through the pages of my thoughts,
as if they were reading my palms,
and my name beneath them like a confession,

owning this girl, claiming this world
of blackness and lightness and death
and birth. It lies in their hands like a life-line,
and I feel myself fall open or apart.

They hear my voice as they read
and think, Who is this girl that is speaking?
I know the end, she tells them.
It is the last line, both source and closing.

It is what oceans sing to, how the sun moves,
a place for the map-maker to begin.
Behind the door, nothing is said.
Like dreams, my clothes come out of their boxes.
—  Leanne O’Sullivan, “Waiting for My Clothes,” Waiting For My Clothes

Having one of those days where my head is like… all over the place.

How am I not even weight restored yet?? I bought a swimsuit yesterday so I could use the hotel pool and I seriously do not understand. I kind of just want to hide and pretend that this isn’t my body because it’s getting ridiculous.

If this is how I feel now, how will I feel when I actually get to my restoration range? I don’t even want to know tbh

What an eating disorder does to you?
It destroys you, it make your life living hell. I look sick, I am sick.
It’s every day battle against your own head, against your ED voice which is unbearable, so powerful.
It makes your body weak, it takes your control and self worth away. Just because it wants you to have slow painful death. And it makes you believe you deserve it.

I’m crying because my ED is stronger than me, it’s making me do awful things, hurt myself and hate myself more than anything. ED is a monster and it’s killing me.
And the worst part is you start to believe it’s you who is bad, because you think ED is you. And you are nothing without it.

Eating disorders are mental illnesses that destroys you through yourself. It’s scary.

Do not glamorize eating disorders, they are serious illnesses and we should fight against them, not make them look beautiful!

“Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.”
- a quote that helped, and is still helping me through my ED recovery, 2016.

FMLS 90 Week 1, Day 3

Why am I doing this? Because I need to. Because I told myself a year and a half ago that I was going to make a committment, and for once in my life, stick to it. Because I can’t gain back the 140 pounds I lost. I didn’t have WLS to delve back into unhealthy habits, just a year out from surgery.

I am doing this to make myself proud.

I have struggled with binge eating throughout the course of my entire life. WLS doesn’t fix that. In fact, for the first little bit, it takes the coping method of food completely away from you. Wanna eat an entire pizza and bucket of ice cream after a bad day? Nope. Nope. Here’s your little condiment cup of food.

Its made me consider turning to other bad habits, like returning to self-harm (I haven’t, I haven’t in 6 years) or drugs, which I used in college. Transfer addiction is a very real possibility with WLS. Its scary. My mom became an alcoholic, and addiction runs very deep in my family. I’m not going to play with that fire. What scares me though, is sometimes I want to feel its warmth.

I have learned so much about myself on my health journey. I’ve found the strength to fight, every day, for my happiness. I am here to build those fightin’ muscles even bigger, and to prove to myself I deserve what the Universe wants for me.

Am I okay? Just not doing that bad? Or trying to convince myself that I am not going backwards while facing forward...

I don’t know. I guess asking the question at all would be a sign all is not super. So is it just not good at the moment or is it bad. Am I making a slight sad worse than it is. My mood is down but I am still doing things and keeping safe. The intrusive thoughts are there but very quiet. I am coping with food guilt, but the guilt is there. I am not heavily restricting but I am not eating enough. My weight isn’t tumbling but I am only just about stable. I feel unhappy with my size but logicly could do with gaining.

I could be doing worse but does that mean I am doing fine…

“When you are caught in the I-hate-my-body mind-set, it’s all too easy to keep delaying good things for yourself, waiting until you have a body that you think is more deserving. But that day never comes (especially when your standards are unreachable). So, you put off treating yourself better. Many aspects of your life literally get weighted down. “I’ll join the health club after I lose ten pounds,” “I’ll go on a special vacation after I reach my goal weight,” “I’ll start going out with my friends when I just get some of this weight off”—-and so the empty promises go. And life gets a little emptier during these times.”

Intuitive Eating, Evelyn Tribole

i feel overwhelmingly sad right now and i’m pretty sure it’s hormones but that doesn’t make the sadness feel any less real. it’s super frustrating because this feeling immediately makes me want to binge, and it’s SO FUCKING HARD to steer myself away from it once the urge is there.