tw-:ed

why do i miss the me who was dying ? why do i miss the body that was shutting down ? all that reminds me of is cold and hospitals but still the only validation that ever meant anything . i can’t compete with that, not now i am fleshy and excessive . i’m afraid the only thing that will bring me relief is a body that is dying

so like one of the many reasons I never posted a photo of myself for the literally 5 years I’ve had this blog is because I suffered and unhealthily rebounded from a ridiculously destructive eating disorder since I was 14 and even the mildest comment (positive or negative) about my appearance would actually destroy my state of mind and I’d obsess over it for days. it’s obviously gotten sooooo much better alhamdullilah over the years and I’m starting to be gentler towards myself and naturally it was a big step
for me to post a any kind of photo of myself (I literally have no selfies of any kind whatsoever anywhere) and naturally I expected some kind of negativity in response to that. I have like two messages in my inbox saying insulting things about my appearance and it made me panic for a minute or two ?? But it dissolved almost just as quickly and I’m just so so so so relieved to be leaving this part of my life behind

I think a big goal of mine before I go back to school and back to therapy is that I’m going to try to realize within myself when I perpetuate my own ed… and like I think this may work w/ many mental illnesses but like. There are things that I say to myself that when I think them it makes me feel so sad and sick…. like I’m not supposed to be thinking such mean things of myself but at the same time I can’t say It out loud I wont admit the things I say to myself like I can’t tell my own fucking therapist the worst things I’ve said to myself. So for August, I’m calling myself in. I want to put the things I say to myself into question. I’m going to make myself willing to talk about it.

as someone who has spent the better part of life struggling with varying degrees of an ED, i wish my i didn’t read someone saying i “look strong” as negative. 

objectively, i think strong is good. but, as with most times people comment on my body, my ED takes over and manipulates the words into something that hurts me. i obsess over them. i can’t get them out of my head. i become fixated on how people see my body. 

anonymous asked:

I've been skinny my entire life. I have low self esteem, and an eating disorder. You don't know what it's like to be skinny shamed by people that are bigger than you. To be threatened by girls that are 6ft tall and 200-300 lbs. to be told daily, "guys aren't dogs, they like meat not bones". If it weren't for my boyfriend I'd be dead. I'm only 5'3 and 92lbs and deal with this everyday. Please.All I'm asking if for you to be understanding. Btw, I admire your confidence and hope to have it one day.

i am very confused as to why you are pleading with me to understand body shaming. i don’t know where this is coming from. show me where i have skinny shamed someone?

body shaming of any kind sucks and it shouldn’t happen. i’m not about it and people who body shame aren’t people i want to associate with. i wish you positivity and healing because this type of thing shouldn’t happen to anyone.

i talk about fat phobia on this blog because i am fat and fat activism is important to me. i talk about fat phobia because it is a system of oppression and even thin people with low self esteem or thin people who experience body shaming benefit from that system. even smaller plus size people experience privilege over super fat people in this system. i talk about what i experience and that doesn’t mean i don’t care about or don’t understand the struggles of other people.

i just really don’t have the time or headspace to explain why this ask is so shitty…and really downright confusing. i don’t know if i am reading it wrong or what?

if any of my followers want to attempt to tackle the differences between fat phobia and skinny shaming, feel free and i would be appreciative.

if not, anon, you have the same internet i do and i learned these things so i’m going to leave it up to you to do a little digging and figure it out for yourself.

ps: in your ask you describe being ‘threatened’ by girls who are 6ft and over 200 lbs as if they are threatening only because of their bodies? i am 6 feet 400 lbs and i am not scary just because of the size of my body so i’m kind of confused and weirded out by this portion of your ask?

I had a really difficult therapy session yesterday and I haven’t really had the time to process it because I’ve been at uni and work all day. Basically, inpatient treatment is back on the table and I’ve been given a month to turn things around and make progress in recovery. I cannot let this happen, I cannot lose everything I’ve worked for these past three months. I cannot lose uni and work and most importantly the life I’ve build here with my boyfriend. I’m fucking tired of constantly going back and forth between recovery and relapse and there’s no way in hell I’m letting the eating disorder take this away from me again. For the first time in months I’m really really angry at the eating disorder and I want to make changes… I guess it’s just hard to figure out where to start

anonymous asked:

Can I request an eating disorder imagine? Love your writing!!

I mean you can but it won’t be one like most others where he saves her and is the only reason she gets better because it’s far too unrealistic and having suffered with 2 eating disorders myself I’m not going to romanticise them and add to the stigma of ED’s being cute because I know from experience there’s nothing cute about them. By all means request it and I’ll write it but just keep in mind you’re not going to get a lovey dovey fluffy all around cute imagine out of it 💖

anonymous asked:

I have eating complications, when I came out I realised that losing a lot of weight enabled me to appear more masculine. As it highlighted my bone structure and made my shoulders appear broader. However, I think it has gotten a little out of control, I don't really know what to do, I've become obsessive, but I don't want to talk about it as its seen as a very 'female' issue, I have no long term effects yet, and am complemented a lot. Will this cause complications with getting blockers, and T?

Eating disorders are present among every single feasible gender. It is a genderless disease that can affect you no matter how feminine or masculine you are. What you are experiencing has moved past dysphoria and I think you know that too. It’s time to start treating it as what it is. Try your best to check yourself when you catch yourself obsessing. Force yourself to be distracted, get rid of your mirrors and scales if you need to. Have someone else in your life keep you in check by asking you if you’ve eaten and how much. Try and research healthy diets that you can use to maintain a smaller, healthier weight without hurting yourself. If you can not control yourself you need to see a professional. This isn’t a game, anon, food is a entire basis of your body. Without it you won’t just not be able to transition at ALL, you may actually die. I know it seems worth it in order to be passing, but are you willing to forgo the ability to medically transition for this? Are you willing to destroy your entire body for this? Because that’s what can and will happen. You need to be healthy for a doctor to help you, don’t ruin your own chances for a quick fix, friend. You deserve better.

- Michael

Wow ok so a lil negativity comin your way I apologize and if you feel like staying in your happy place pls pls ignore and keep scrolling

But WOW am I uncomfortable in this body!!!! And wow do I feel like restricting!!! Urges are stupid strong and I hate them so much and I just want to cry a lot

the worst part about an eating disorder is when literally nobody else in the world knows you’re struggling, and you have literal fantasies about telling a friend or a professor or  a n y o n e  but you can’t because you just can’t.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

I hate how not only is my housing situation affecting my mental health, now it’s directly affecting my physically wellbeing too. I don’t eat, because I don’t cook because I don’t want to go near the kitchen and have to interact with my housemates. It’s awkward and tense. I stayed up all night last night editing a project and I just wanted to sleep today but I didn’t want to go home.

Therapy was hard today… We talked a lot about how I’ve been struggling to balance recovery and uni/work. She said that she’s really proud of me for being more present in my life but she also made it very clear that she won’t hesitate to put inpatient treatment back on the table if I keep putting off changes regarding my intake and weight. And I’m mad because I’m trying so so hard and I feel like I’ve made some really good progress but mostly I’m mad at myself because I know I can do better. I couldn’t even admit it to myself but I’ve been slipping up a lot and I haven’t met any of my food or weight goals in weeks. I’m walking a thin line between recovery and relapse and it isn’t affecting my life nearly as much as it used to but I know how quickly that can change. I need to remember that uni and work and LIFE are happening and that I can only stay present in my life if I commit to making changes. I want more than this, it’s just hard to figure out how to get there. My head is quite a mess right now and I’m tired of talking about change but not following through with it. I need to do this, I can do this, I will do this. No more excuses.

me trying to lose weight
  • Me: Oh boy there's chocolate, it won't hurt if I eat a piece, its so small
  • My brains: You know you could just eat like a fruit or something? It has less calories, it's way healthier and theres more to eat?
  • Me: But the chocolate is so small it doesn't count
  • My brains: Actually it does, it's worse to eat the chocolate than eat an apple
  • Me: But the chocolate is smaller than the apple
  • My brains: Jesus christ, the size doesn't matter, it still has more calories and it's unhealthy
  • Me: But it's smaller
  • My brains:
  • Me:
  • My brains: But it has mo-
  • Me: *eats the chocolate*
  • My brains: Did you just fucking eat the chocolate ?
  • Me: No
  • My brains: Don't lie to me
  • Me: It doesn't count
  • My brains: Jesus fucking christ I quit

Day 3

Still really want to binge but I’m just back from the gym. Gonna have some sweet potato fries and turkey burgers. All I can think about is bingeing like that’s why I’m spending time typing this out. It’s a momentary break from BINGE!! BINGE!! BINGE!! It’s so much worse when I’m hungry and I know dinner will take a while but it’s like if I give in then this problem just continues. Your last binge is never your last binge. So I’m trying to just focus on the fact that I want to beat this. I’m also trying to steer away from the thought that ‘oh if I binge it’ll just undo all the work i did in the gym’ bc that’s disordered as fuck too. I’m fucking drowning. One half of me just wants to be skinny and wants to starve myself and the other half feels worthless and just wants to binge. So it feels like I’ve walking on a blade trying to make sure I’m eating enough but also to pull back before I binge. And all the while I’m like yo can I just have a normal relationship with food pls?!?

Having one of those days where I know I need to eat but my appetite is complete poo
Survived a cheeseburger and I still have cheese fries and a heath milkshake to go but it all tastes weird right now and I’m annoyed
Like I love food, it’s the one fix I can get every day that isn’t substance/sex related so I’m uber salty that I don’t get to enjoy it today