tw addiction

When I was eleven I stole my mom’s xanax
Prescribed for anxiety
Covered up as a solution for a pinched nerve

No one told me the depth at which illness runs through my veins
Too sensitive, too weak, too negative
Anxious, depressed, paranoid–
Terms never mentioned above a hushed whisper

Sixth grade I swallowed pills that weren’t mine
Surfed the internet on my iPod touch for different ways to deliver the chemicals

When I was twelve I started snorting modafinal
Lifted from my fathers medicine cabinet
Too tired to handle with care
Crushed between two spoons
That year brought notebooks filled with masterpieces
Written in languages I could not understand in the morning

Thirteen brought study drugs
My brothers adderall carrying me through an accelerated math program far beyond my capabilities
The learning disabilities I was unaware of could not hold me down after a few blue lines

At fourteen years old
OxyContin was a lifeline to which I clung
Surgery after surgery my mom was too busy recovering to manage
her pills
At school the vocab word of the week was insufflate

Fifteen brought trauma as I led a pure life into my line of recreation
She stole her mom’s pills too
We took everything we could find
Chasing a feeling she didn’t know and I couldn’t describe

Sixteen brought weed and alcohol and
Selling adderall in Spanish class
To fund the steady stream of
opioids and benzodiazepines I needed to
keep my hands from shaking

Heartbreak and new love came with seventeen
A new love to share my passion with
She blew lines of oxy off my ass on our first date
And
Rubbed the leftover powder on my gums
Taught me to do blow off of CD’s in my driveway
She carried a rolled-up dollar bill in her wallet
Always ready for the next hit
I loved her
And she shattered me

Eighteen ended the cycle and
A new lover kept me high on marijuana
High enough to let down my walls
But not enough to stop the shaking
Sharing bowls in the backseat of his car
Blunt walks on the beach
He hates when I tasted like cigarettes

Antidepressants stimulants and downers
With my name on them
Rot on my nightstand
As I try to make peace with an addiction recommended by a
Psychiatrist

—  I don’t care if I’m damaged, honestly I think I’m just bored
Different types of Covert Abusers

Originally posted by misper

The Hypocrite

  • I have very little sense of reciprocity. Do not inconvenience me in any way.
  • Don’t make demands on me. I am often less controlling than others as long as my needs are being met on my terms.
  • When I am generous and supportive, it’s because I feel like it.
  • I exaggerate and overvalue my own contributions.
  • If I’m unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault.
  • I think I am a very loving and giving and you’re lucky to have me.
  • You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
  • I think I am above criticism.

 

The Water Torturer

  • “You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.”
  • I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.
  • As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
  • I know exactly how to get under your skin.

 

Mr. Sensitive

  • I am soft spoken, gentle and supportive - when I am not being abusive.
  • I love the language of feelings, I openly share my insecurities, my fears, and my emotional injuries.
  • I present myself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. Most women think I am a dream come true.
  • When your feelings are hurt I will tell you “No one can hurt you unless you let them”, “It’s all in the attitude you take in life.” instead of genuine support for your feelings.
  • With the passing of time, I cast the blame on you for anything I am dissatisfied with.
  • I will start to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may become threatening and intimidating
  • I’m against the macho men, so I think I couldn’t be abusive.
  • As long as I seem nice to everyone else, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
  • Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men

 

The Victim

  • I often tell persuasive stories about how I was abused by my former partner. I will maneuver you into hating them.
  • I will tell you my ex-partner was focused on power and control, disrespected me and always had to have their own way. In a few years, I will say the same things about you.
  • I often claim to be victimized by you, my boss, my parents, my neighbors, my friends etc.
  • When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the barrage of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you’re just like the rest.
  • I believe I’ve had it so hard that I’m not responsible for my actions

 

The Troubled One

  • I believe I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological, substance etc. problems.
  • If you challenge me about my abusiveness, I think you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have.  It also shows that you don’t understand my other problems.
  • If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and I’ll hold you responsible for what I do.
Addiction starter sentences

“What happened to staying clean for me?!”
“I’m supposed to believe this is you being sober? I’m not buying it.”
“How many glasses have you had?!”
“If you want to keep smoking, you’ll have to go outside.”
“You told me you’d stop…”
“You promised I wouldn’t find you like this again!”
“Wanna shoot up?”
“Have you been drinking? It’s not even noon!”
“Let me smell your breath.”
“What have you used this time?”
“I see you’re still wasting away your days.”
“How much did you take? Can you still hear me?!”
“Are you trying to kill yourself?!”
“I thought that place was going to make you better…”
“You know if you go on like this, I’ll have to send you back to rehab. Is that what you want?”
“Can you remember when we didn’t need this yet?”
“Is the heroin really more important to you than I am?!”
“Are you sure this stuff is safe?”
“Right, that’s it, you’re going cold turkey.”
“No, sit down! You’re having a bad trip. Let me help you.”
“Have you any idea how much it hurts me to see you like this?!”

4

i love the third years

If you make fun of addicts online, you are a piece of shit. It’s not funny to make fun of people who are struggling with addiction. I’m sick and tired of seeing videos on YouTube of people who are “visibly” addicts getting publicly humiliated and ridiculed. I see the comment sections of videos like that and am sickened. Some people truly forget that the people they are ridiculing in the “smackhead nodding out on bus” or “crack whore in Walmart” videos are real people. Addicts are human beings. We deserve to be treated with respect. We deserve basic human rights.

Addiction is a disease. Being an addict doesn’t make you a bad person. You are not a good person because you don’t do drugs. You’re definitely not a good person if you make fun of sick people who are struggling with a disease.

a note from someone who struggles with mental illness to another

when you have a broken arm you go to the doctors and they fix and set the bone for you. when you need surgery the doctor performs it.
with mental illness, one thing that is hard to accept is that you have to be your own doctor. psychiatrists can give you meds and therapists can give you advice. but ultimately you are the one in charge of healing you. you are in charge of taking your meds daily and you are in charge of employing your therapists advice. and most importantly, you are in charge of waking up every morning with the will to fight your illness even when you feel like there’s no hope.
it’s terrifying; how are you supposed to save yourself when it’s your own mind that is fighting against you? it’s frankly unfair, but that is the shitty fight that comes with mental illness. you have to realize YOU are the light at the end of the tunnel YOU are the person who will save yourself.
it’s horrible but never give up. take charge of your own happiness, find your own inner strength to rise up and save yourself – you are strong enough.
And please please remember that you are never alone. Message me if you need a friend I’m always here for you