Week One: Ladies In Red!
Nick, your franchised Bachelor is back for his 434th chance at love.
“Stop trying to make Nick happen, he is never going to happen.”
Well, in a strange turn of events Nick has a clear shot to make it to hometowns because he gets to hand out the roses himself.
We kickoff the season with Nick reading a list of his imperfection and the first bachelor highlight reel of failure.
TIME FOR ADVICE
We get a blast from the past with three former bachelors that all came to tell Nick how much America hates him. Chris, Ben, Sean and Nick sit around sip their glasses of Fireball while they talk strategy for how to make America believe you are looking for love.
To sum up the convos… “Nick, stop being the slimy, doucher that you have been through three different seasons”
HERE COME THE LIMOS
Rachel - The dancing attorney is the first in with the red dress!
Danielle L. - She opened up her first nail salon at 23?!
Tits out for the boys! “My sister picked the dress out” “Good for your sister”
Venessa - The Italian Stallion.
Josephine - The naughty nurse, cat lady looks like she has a couple screws loose. This girl better stick around for a couple weeks because she bout to ramp up the ratings.
Raven - That’s soooo Raven, it’s the trailer park I can see! This season is filled with successful business owners, this must be the new Trump America.
Corinne - We are three seconds into the interview and we find out that she talks about herself in the third person, “runs” a multimillion dollar company and still has a babysitter.
Hands Nick his first
hug Fuck token!
Alexis - Jersey Shore meets ABC. “He needs to love dolphins or this isn’t going to work out” (But dressed in a shark costume)
Danielle M. - Another nurse… who cares.
And she brings maple syrup so she can finger his mouth.
Taylor - A mental health counselor on the Bachelor… are you working or participating? She apparently blames the fact that she had no friends on her mixed race, not because she is probably a judgmental bitch.
Tells Nick that her friend thinks that he’s a fuckboy… Good start.
Elizabeth (Liz) - The girl that claims that she shot Nick down after fucking him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Big drama night one… When are we going to have a season where it’s all the Bachelor’s one night stands?! ABC I’ll be in touch.
Annnnd Nick doesn’t remember her. Dude must fuck.
Elizabeth 2 - Coming in hot with the TuTu!
Christen - “How crazy do you think I am right now…? Well let me turn those thoughts into a reality!”
Kristina - Girl with accent we won’t need to pay much attention to.
Angela - “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you…” The line she had ready for anyone she saw out of the limo.
Lauren - The other half of Team #DisgustingSlut - wedding hashtag of the year.
Michelle - Lemons into lemonade, -_-
Ida Marie - An unforgettable name and a very forgettable first impression.
Olivia - Brings the fireeeee with the fur jacket.
Sarah - Leave it to the grade school teacher for the 2nd grade runner-up joke.
Jasmine G. - G.?!?!?! That means we have multiple Jasmines……. But she drops the Neil Lane.
Dominique - This girl is about to have some opinions, ABC will keep her around.
Hailey - I’m not wearing underwearrrrrr
Astrid - This is like the United Nations of Bachelor.
Jaimi - “You have some balls, and I do too…”
Great opening line to not only Nick, but the entire house.
Briana - This girl looks like she wants not only listen to his heart, but also remove it and eat it.
Susannah - A beard message. Ok.
Brittany - Finger in the butt!
Jasmine B. - The other Jasmine
Whitney - Minnesota blah blah blah
Lacey - Say hump again… hump.
Chris Harrison knows how to stir that Bachelor pot with the “I noticed you looked at one of those girls differently.”
Nick: “Yeah I think I met one at Jade and Tanner’s wedding”
Chris H.: “YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GIRLS?! Tell me more about it”
“There is a debate in the house, is she a shark or a dolphin?” Answer: She’s a psychopath.
Now that the girls are all in the house and the fact that they are wearing red dresses has been established (and unnoticed by Nick), we can let the games begin.
Drink every time Nick says “incredible dress” annnnnd you’re dead.
Corrine with the nanny, is already standing out as the stalker (Free of tokens). She is making a strong play for this season’s Olivia casting slot. This girl is fun at parties.
Is there anything better than the “These girls are used to being pursued, not pursuing…” quote. They look pretty damn good at it though. Let the vino flowwwwww.
The Sharknado has been let loose on the house and she has the makings of the one who doesn’t get to see the rose ceremony written all over her, her sisters will be proud.
Nick: “What is with the shark costume”
Alexis: “I love dolphins, I even love the Miami Dolphins”
Nick: “…But it’s a shark costume”
Alexis: “Oh you’re smooth”
Nick gets to face off with his wedding fuck, and she had the upper hand, until she didn’t. Just panic, cry and say you’re pregnant.
First impression rose anxiety seems to have finally set in on the house and there is no Xanax in sight because it appears that Danielle M. has downed a whole bottle that she swiped from the hospital.
Rachel gets pulled aside by Nick and presented by the first impression rose. There’s one for the red dress mafia. Let the insecurities and tears wyle out!
Cut the bullshit speech Nick, it’s your turn start breaking hearts.
“I’m shaking, I hate this, I’m just trying to hold my shit together” … Bitch it’s day one!
Christina: “This is so hard, you leave home for this and you think to yourself was it worth it, what is this all for.”
Christina: “This is meant to be, I was never questioning him.”
Will Liz make it through, did she miss her chance!?
Chris: “Ladies this is the final rose tonight”
Nick got his nut and Liz got her rose. A bunch of ladies walk out that we will look at during the reunion and say: “Who the fuck is that again?”
Until next week.