tv-recaps

Week One: Ladies In Red!

Nick, your franchised Bachelor is back for his 434th chance at love. 

“Stop trying to make Nick happen, he is never going to happen.”

Originally posted by yahooentertainment

Well, in a strange turn of events Nick has a clear shot to make it to hometowns because he gets to hand out the roses himself. 

We kickoff the season with Nick reading a list of his imperfection and the first bachelor highlight reel of failure. 

TIME FOR ADVICE

We get a blast from the past with three former bachelors that all came to tell Nick how much America hates him. Chris, Ben, Sean and Nick sit around sip their glasses of Fireball while they talk strategy for how to make America believe you are looking for love. 

To sum up the convos… “Nick, stop being the slimy, doucher that you have been through three different seasons”

HERE COME THE LIMOS

Rachel - The dancing attorney is the first in with the red dress! 

Danielle L. - She opened up her first nail salon at 23?! 

Tits out for the boys! “My sister picked the dress out” “Good for your sister”

Venessa - The Italian Stallion.  

Josephine - The naughty nurse, cat lady looks like she has a couple screws loose. This girl better stick around for a couple weeks because she bout to ramp up the ratings. 

Raven - That’s soooo Raven, it’s the trailer park I can see! This season is filled with successful business owners, this must be the new Trump America. 

Corinne - We are three seconds into the interview and we find out that she talks about herself in the third person, “runs” a multimillion dollar company and still has a babysitter. 

Hands Nick his first hug Fuck token! 

Alexis - Jersey Shore meets ABC. “He needs to love dolphins or this isn’t going to work out” (But dressed in a shark costume) 

Originally posted by usedpimpa

Danielle M. - Another nurse… who cares.

And she brings maple syrup so she can finger his mouth.

Taylor - A mental health counselor on the Bachelor… are you working or participating? She apparently blames the fact that she had no friends on her mixed race, not because she is probably a judgmental bitch. 

Tells Nick that her friend thinks that he’s a fuckboy… Good start. 

Elizabeth (Liz) - The girl that claims that she shot Nick down after fucking him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Big drama night one… When are we going to have a season where it’s all the Bachelor’s one night stands?! ABC I’ll be in touch. 

Annnnd Nick doesn’t remember her. Dude must fuck. 

Elizabeth 2 - Coming in hot with the TuTu! 

Christen - “How crazy do you think I am right now…? Well let me turn those thoughts into a reality!”

Kristina - Girl with accent we won’t need to pay much attention to. 

Angela - “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you…” The line she had ready for anyone she saw out of the limo. 

Lauren - The other half of Team #DisgustingSlut - wedding hashtag of the year. 

Michelle - Lemons into lemonade, -_-

Ida Marie - An unforgettable name and a very forgettable first impression. 

Olivia - Brings the fireeeee with the fur jacket. 

Sarah - Leave it to the grade school teacher for the 2nd grade runner-up joke.

Jasmine G. - G.?!?!?! That means we have multiple Jasmines……. But she drops the Neil Lane. 

Dominique - This girl is about to have some opinions, ABC will keep her around.   

Hailey - I’m not wearing underwearrrrrr 

Originally posted by mogifire

Astrid - This is like the United Nations of Bachelor. 

Jaimi - “You have some balls, and I do too…” 

Great opening line to not only Nick, but the entire house. 

Briana - This girl looks like she wants not only listen to his heart, but also remove it and eat it. 

Susannah - A beard message. Ok. 

Brittany - Finger in the butt!

Jasmine B. - The other Jasmine 

Whitney - Minnesota blah blah blah

Lacey - Say hump again… hump. 

Chris Harrison knows how to stir that Bachelor pot with the “I noticed you looked at one of those girls differently.” 

Nick: “Yeah I think I met one at Jade and Tanner’s wedding”

Chris H.: “YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GIRLS?! Tell me more about it”

——

“There is a debate in the house, is she a shark or a dolphin?” Answer: She’s a psychopath. 

——

Now that the girls are all in the house and the fact that they are wearing red dresses has been established (and unnoticed by Nick), we can let the games begin. 

Drink every time Nick says “incredible dress” annnnnd you’re dead. 

Corrine with the nanny, is already standing out as the stalker (Free of tokens). She is making a strong play for this season’s Olivia casting slot. This girl is fun at parties.

Is there anything better than the “These girls are used to being pursued, not pursuing…” quote. They look pretty damn good at it though. Let the vino flowwwwww. 

The Sharknado has been let loose on the house and she has the makings of the one who doesn’t get to see the rose ceremony written all over her, her sisters will be proud. 

Nick: “What is with the shark costume”
Alexis: “I love dolphins, I even love the Miami Dolphins”
Nick: “…But it’s a shark costume”
Alexis: “Oh you’re smooth”

#Smooth

——-

Nick gets to face off with his wedding fuck, and she had the upper hand, until she didn’t.  Just panic, cry and say you’re pregnant. 

Game over. 

——- 

First impression rose anxiety seems to have finally set in on the house and there is no Xanax in sight because it appears that Danielle M. has downed a whole bottle that she swiped from the hospital. 

Rachel gets pulled aside by Nick and presented by the first impression rose. There’s one for the red dress mafia. Let the insecurities and tears wyle out! 

ROSE CEREMONY

Cut the bullshit speech Nick, it’s your turn start breaking hearts. 

“I’m shaking, I hate this, I’m just trying to hold my shit together” … Bitch it’s day one! 

Christina: “This is so hard, you leave home for this and you think to yourself was it worth it, what is this all for.” 
Nick: Christina.
Christina: “This is meant to be, I was never questioning him.” 

Will Liz make it through, did she miss her chance!? 
Chris: “Ladies this is the final rose tonight” 

Nick got his nut and Liz got her rose. A bunch of ladies walk out that we will look at during the reunion and say: “Who the fuck is that again?” 

Until next week. 

RECAP 2X03 SHADOWHUNTERS (CAZADORES DE SOMBRAS)

Teen Wolf 6x06 “Ghosted”, my personal recap

Teen Wolf is back after two weeks

ANOTHER LIam and Hayden “Plan”

Melissa and Chris (every single scene)

ANOTHER Liam and Hayden kiss scene

All those bloody allucinations in Canaan

Liam, Hayden and Mr. Douglas try to make “The Plan” work

They want to bring Theo back

That crazy Banshee and her creepy son lock everyone inside

Theo’s back

Melissa creates that concoction of herbs

Liam and Hayden’s plan doesn’t work

“I don’t want to be safe, I want to save Stiles”

Sceriff Stilinski sees something behind the wall

Scott and Malia meet Theo

Sherlock 4x02: The Hugging Detective

Well hot damn ya’ll. What a comeback from that utter crap first ep. It is confirmed now that the first episode was merely moving the pieces on the board in order to create the emotional set ups in the second episode, but all in all it was worth it. I would rather have one on-point Sherlock than two kind of mediocre Sherlocks.

After the disappointing all filler no killer episode penned by Gatiss, Steven Moffat now takes the helm. Moffat and I have a long and storied history, one that I hope he will actually acknowledge one day. He has both written some of my favorite Doctor Who episodes, and was also the reason I gave up the show. I struggle with his depiction of women, his diversity void, and also his inability to make characters stay dead. That being said, this episode was a highlight reel of everything he does best (and one thing that still drives me crazy).

First off: the story was great. This episode was a pretty close adaptation of the Conan Doyle story ‘The Dying Detective’ where Sherlock pretends to be dying of poison in order to entrap a murderer (as one does). Unlike the 'The Six Thatchers’, the mystery was at the core of this episode and was the closest we have gotten to the standalone episodes of yore in a long while. Not only was the story mystery driven, the mystery was engaging and genuinely thrilling. Toby Jones is always the ultimate secret weapon and his performance was genuinely unnerving. I got chills ya’ll.

Second: the twists. There is nothing I hate more than an obvious plot twist, and conversely nothing gets me going better than a twist I didn’t see coming. The first twist - that Sherlock had orchestrated his hitting rock bottom in order to reach John - was predictable but still satisfying. The 'go to hell’ teaser at the end of the previous episode snapped neatly in place with Mary’s actual missive to Sherlock. But while I was preening my feathers and enjoying some light gloating as a master of storytelling we got hit with THIS:

I am a person who looks at and identifies actors professionally, and I was knocked on my ass. The sheer joy of being blindsided by this very clever spin on the third Holmes sibling approached Moriarty at the pool levels. (Yes there was a brief, horrifying moment, where I thought the therapist was going to be Andrew Scott in drag, but it turned out ok.)

Third: the feels. There were QUALITY feels to be felt here. I loved the playful but creeping specter of Mary so much that I wish the show had killed her off ages ago. Her haunting of both John and the literal frames of the show was top notch ghost work and a wonderful way to keep a much needed female character around.

Ok, ok, we can talk about it now, I know you want to. That hug tho.

I think it is fair to say that this is the emotional payoff we have all been waiting for for seven long years. It was beautiful, it was natural, it fit so snug into the storyline. As snug as the hug. It was heartbreaking to see the two men finally able to come together at a story point where John was most in denial of his emotions and Sherlock was most in touch with his. 

The one Moffat quirk that continues to irk me is his constant reiteration of the heterosexuality of his characters, especially after such an intimate moment. I am not personally a shipper of the two male leads (hellooo Tumblr), but the extended conversation about Sherlock’s (maybe sexual?) relationship with Irene felt like the dialogue equivalent of 'no homo’. This was just especially glaring to me in what was otherwise an episode filled with beautifully written and honest emotion.

 I would also like to thank this episode for making my text tone culturally relevant again. A relief honestly. 

Also, rull quick, WHO did Benny C have to bribe to get to do that manic Henry V monologue? Literally every actor’s wet dream right there. God bless those Brit’s for always being Shakespeare ready.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN NEXT WEEK????

XO MD

PS. Mrs Hudson the real MVP

Week Three: Nap-streets Back, Alright!

Welcome back! 

We are quickly reminded of Liz’s tragic departure… Next time you think about a one night stand ask yourself; “Could this person be on the bachelor and do I want to exploit them for fame?”

Nick sits the ladies down to tell them that the only girl who has seen his dick has been sent home before she could make any further contact with any of them. 

Corinne (been spelling this chick’s name wrong for two weeks) practices taking her robe off in front of the mirror, cause she has that TIT IT factor that will win Nick over. 

Corinne: “I want to explore Nick sexually, I want to show him that I’m serious. I am going to leave him wanting more…” Not sure how much more there could be… America doesn’t even know how much more they want, actually I’ll take a little more. 

C-Baby grabs the whip cream can and sprays it all over her tots and gets the ol’ Nick Lick! “This is what I look like in a trench coat if you were wondering” 

Rose Ceremony

The girls line up and in the POWER MOVE/FUCK YOU of the season Corinne just goes to bed with her rose next to her. Who attends optional meetings anyway? 

Nick: “Last time I checked you still have to show up for the rose ceremony.” When was the last time you checked Nick? Where is it in the rule book, the girl is exhausted from trying to find a can of Redi Wip, in a calorie free house. 

Nick sends home three girls who’s names I already forgot… I hope that didn’t bust your ESPN fantasy team.

Chris drops off the date card and says that their minds will blown, Corinne heard “blown” and perked up immediately. The 45 year-old Backstreet Boys walk into the room and to piercing screams. Corinne thinks it’s One Direction.

Group Date

A three hour Zumba class gets us leggings, sports bras and twerking… Not a bad gig there for Nick. 

Corinne: “I am not a great dancer, I have short-term memory loss.” That’s actually just alcoholism. 

As soon as Corinne sees that this is a date where all clothes will remain on and she can’t pull Nick away, she quickly realizes she is at a severe disadvantage and sprints out of the room in tears. “I don’t cry to get attention, I cry hoping to Nick will notice I’m gone and come looking for me.” 

The concert starts and Nick V has somehow out-whited BSB… 

Originally posted by cyanirishrose

 After an awkward one-on-one dance with Danielle and TWO songs, the concert ends on account of them having to get Kevin back for his grandson’s sweet 16. 

Corinne: “Danielle got picked as the best backup dancer and made out with Nick in front of my fah-ayce. This is the worst day ever.” Her top stayed on… relax. 

Whore-rinne pulls Nick aside within minutes (again); “I talk to Nick first again, I need reassurance about our relationship again, and wanted to give a quick OTPHJ … again.” 

Can someone get Corinne a fucking Addy? The girl needs to figure out why five minute convos are putting her into mini-comas. 

Nick and Danielle L. get a private dance to what appears to be no music outside the sound of Nick slapping her ass repeatedly. 

————

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Raquel is my nanny… I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta and I cannot make cheese pasta like she does. it makes her happy and I don’t want to stand in the way of a woman and her happiness” 
           - General Robert E. Lee & Corinne. 

————

Raq is probably enjoying the FUCK out of Corinne’s time in LA, probably also took a huge, cheese pasta dump on Corinne’s well-made bed.

Originally posted by darkaaron

Danielle wins the group date rose and … yeah, whatever. 

One-On-One - Vanessa

Nick and Vanessa gets sent into zero G. 

Nick: “It’s weird, when there is no gravity, you can’t control what you do. I don’t know how my fingers slipped in there.” 

Vanessa then proceeds to puke the entire rest of the flight, followed by Nick and her making out. Honestly, if college taught me anything it’s if you chew gum before you make out, the puke didn’t happen. 

The couple takes dinner on the top of the highest building, which we may see Corinne jump off before this season ends. 

Vanessa tells a story about her grandfather passing before she came the show. 

Vanessa: “I remember I was in the limo on the way to the funeral and we all got red roses at the end.” It was a casual Bachelor themed funeral… So she took it as a sign. 

Group Date 2

The group date card says “I’m done playing the field”.

Brittany: “Yes!!! We are #@$^! playing sports, athletics, woooooo”

Hey Brit have you met Jaimi? She’s into girls too.  

Three Olympic medalists show up to introduce the Nickatholon - Im sure this is the peak of their athletic careers. 

Astrid’s BOMBs hitting her in the face, taming those bad boys should have been an event in itself. She comes in dead last in the race, but wins the spot in the hot tub because of Rachel’s lack of hand-eye coordination. 

Originally posted by melan---chola

Dominique appropriately feels that she doesn’t feel a connection. She copes with it by aggressively staring at Nick from a distance until the date is about to end. 

Dom: “YOU’RE NOT GIVING ME A FAIR CHANCE!”
Nick: “Who are you again? Bye.” 

ABC producers told Nick that these WILD dates come with some budget issues, he assured them he would save them money on roses. 

POOL PARTY!

Chris: “Nick already knows what he wants to do at the rose ceremony tonight so he just wants to see your camel toes one last time before he sends some of you home.” 

Corinne does not want to get in the pool, she just wants to mount Nick like a pony at the quinceanera she made Raquel throw her, when she turned 23. 

Nap time. This girl must have very productive work days. 

HOMEWORK: Can someone find out what Multimillion dollar company this girl “runs”?! 

Sherlock 4x03: Arkham Asylum/The End

Hi friends! I wrote several introductory sentences for this blog but all of them were terrible. Some examples:

- whiz, bang, the end of another season
- wham, bam, we’re here again!
- With that we’ve come to another end!

As you can see, simply not my best material. Let’s agree to skip the intro and jump right into  the body paragraphs.

                                     Baby Sherlock love Baby Mycroft <3 

In my first Sherlock recap I wrote about how Sherlock is such a difficult show to talk about critically because it is telling a story completely outside of the structure of regular TV. For example an episode dedicated to plot set up - “The Six Thatchers” was ultimately a failure  for that very reason. “The Final Problem” faced many of the same  pitfalls, having to imbue a lot of exposition while simultaneously telling a successful mystery story.

                                                    Shoot him Bilbo!

Look, was this episode’s premise totally ridiculous? Yes. Did I experience real, heart-pounding anxiety during the asylum maze? Yes. Overall there were a lot of great individual scenes strung together by a barely functioning plot. This may not have been one of the strongest episodes, but it was still  enjoyable, way more so than “The Six Thatchers”.

                                                    Treats!!!

Let’s not play, Eurus being a repressed-memory sister was silly. The whole repressed memory gambit is a bit of a desperate one in general and without being worked in throughout the whole of the series it rung especially false. But that being said, Eurus herself was a GREAT villain who I loved to watch! Sian Brooke was excellent as the true “darkest timeline Sherlock” who was driven not by the desire to create chaos, but the desire to investigate and understand (which is scarier!) Also she loves treats (just like me!!!)

Speaking of treats- if this is to be the end of Sherlock I am glad we got to see Andrew Scott’s Moriarty one more time. I can excuse the way he was shoe horned into the plot for the chance to have one more glorious hurrah with a beloved character. What I would have found unforgivably egregious was if he had been revealed to be not dead. (In fact I shouted out loud in my living room: “If this is not a flashback I am going to lose my fucking mind”)


                                 Louise was so lovely in this series

Yes there were a lot of plot holes like: why did Eurus just do her hypno voodoo to John the 100 previous times they were alone together? Why did no one notice the seemingly huge well on the Holmes property? Who is Mary’s speech writer? Where were Victor Trevor’s parents in all this?

But all that aside, as endings go, this was perfectly acceptable. The set up may have been a bit wonkadoodle, but the feels within were legit. I wish we could have seen Donovan and Anderson one last times (also can we talk about how Jonathan Aris is in EVERYTHING. I will also never not think of him as Anderson. A key problem with the early Rebel Alliance is that Anderson was involved. Ok ok I digress) but overall it was nice to see all our old friends for one more outing. Not to mention we leave John and Sherlock rebuilding their lives on a foundation of emotional trust AND RAISING A BABY TOGETHER. Rosie has two daddies. That’s a pretty good ending.

                                               Tumblr explodes

So here we are, at the end. As any loyal fan of the show knows, our time is 5% spent watching Sherlock, 5% spent looking at Sherlock gifs, and 90% spent waiting for new Sherlock. I can not help but feel a pang of resentment for new viewers who will binge watch this show and not wait more than a few hours to find out what happened at the pool. Newcomers who will not know the waiting of two long years, years filled with the studious dissection of every frame of the meager three episodes gifted to us. They will not know the combined glee and trepidation felt watching Benedict Cumberbatch’s assured climb to movie stardom. Yes, he is a beloved Hollywood dreamboat now, but he was our Sherlock first. The long hiatuses between seasons growing more tense as actor’s schedules filled up with trilogies and Marvel films. For seven years our patience has been rewarded, and for the first time in seven years we are looking down the barrel of what may be the end rather than another long, familiar wait. Sherlock was not always a perfect show (sometimes far from it) but it did, at times, achieve perfection. Time and time again meeting a bar raised by the expectations of months of anticipation.

When I think nostalgically about watching Sherlock for the very first time (on a laptop in my first apartment), I can’t help but also think about the person I was then in that moment. Sherlock is not a show that remains a fixture in your life like CSI or Law & Order, rather it is a bright, exciting spark that marks a specific moment in time. I can picture where I was and what I was doing when each season came out. Little snapshots preserved by the promise of three more delicious episodic bites. It is a show with which fans have had a completely unique experience. To put it simply (too late) Sherlock is a show that is the love of a lifetime.

XO MD

PS. Mrs Hudson tho,

PPS. Christmas special?

Week Two: Rated TV-Corrine

*Sorry for the late post, the National Championship happened (no excuses)*

If the upcoming scenes weren’t enough to hook you for this episode, the promise of the train-wreck that is Corrine better be. 

Chris H.: “Good morning ladies, bring your hungover asses into the living room.” 

The first date card makes its way out of Chris Harrison’s pocket and you would have thought he had just whipped out a gold plated cast of Beiber’s dick…

ABC has stooped to a new low, making these girls drive themselves to their fake wedding photo shoot in matching convertibles. How long until one drills the other right off the cliff of the Pacific Coast Highway, “We’re not here to make friends.”

Originally posted by popcornandacola

Nick: “All these girls received a rose for a reason, there is something about each of these women that I want to learn more about.” … Yeah it rhymes with Bagina (ask Claire). 

Group Date - Here comes the Bride Delusionally Unstable  

“Nothing seems more appropriate for a first date than a wedding photo shoot.” 

Putting wedding dresses in front of this group is like dropping a bag of meth into the middle of 8 Mile. 

The Miami coke dealer/wedding photographer asks if there are any girls that didn’t receive a wedding dress, and in a depressing turn tells them that they will be bridesmaids. Dagger. 

Corrine: “Maybe I will be the bridesmaid that steals the groom” 

Something tells me that this is coming from experience. 

Each “bride” gets a theme to their wedding photo, one being a shotgun wedding. Alexis was selected to this honor and gets strapped with a fake pregnancy stomach instead of what (in her mind) was going to be two 12-gauges. 

Taylor: “Corrine comes up and said that she was going to kiss Nick today, and I think she made it a point to say it in front of me because of my connection with Nick.” 

Hey Taylor, just chill out. She has said it in front of all the girls, the production staff, make-up crew, gardeners, and the homeless dude on the corner of La Cienega and Wilshire. She is not smart enough to try and psych you out. 

Corrine: “I am definitely the hottest bri… (record scratch)” 

Brittany walks in “half-naked”… Actually just naked. First, need to know when that wedding “dress” will catch on, I will start attending a lot more weddings. Second, Corrine goes into full survival mode. Looking down to figure out how much she could take off without looking desperate. “Brides don’t wear underwear… Right?”

First up, “Elopement Wedding” - This shoot just consisted of nick digging his crotch into Sarah’s a$$, while “Photo Franco” directed a porno. “Somebody needs a spanking” 

Originally posted by fashiongreat

Next, “Biker Wedding” - Here Nick borrowed Chris Soules’ leather vest and rides Hailey to the local pool hall. The fact Hailey said the word “bum” twice in the same sentence should end in immediate release from the show. 

Annnnnnd “Shotgun Wedding” - Alexis got her double barrel, but the only thing pointed at Nick’s face was her “dolphin”.  

“80′s Wedding” - Thank god Nick got to see Vanessa’s silly side, cause what would this show be without silly Vanessa. 

Danielle drops her tongue into Nick’s mouth quicker than Frisky Franco could strap a new line of film in his fake camera, and right in front of Corrine. Game on. Corrine takes to her slutty bridesmaid character and sucks face moments after; “You taste like Danielle”… “You taste like daddy issues and red bull/vodkas.”   

Taylor is the “Princess Wedding” - She got her kiss and her revenge on sex-addicted rival. 

This sends Corrine into a Prosecco induced tailspin. Then comes Brittany in the “Adam & Eve Wedding” - “Brittany is such a sport, no one wants to take their top off” - Jasmine. Don’t speak too soon. Brit gets a standing ovation from everyone who can stand. 

Time for the most anticipated “Beach Wedding” - There is a rule about waiting 30 min after eating before getting in a pool. What’s the rule if you have consumed half of Napa’s exports? “I need to one-up Brittany” - goodbye bathing suit top. “This is real cute.” - Franco. 

Corrine: “I was daring enough to go into the pool with clothes and take them off” - Call her Evel Knievel. 

Franco selects the bare bosoms as today’s group date winner. Corrine won by the sole fact that there was no photographed penetration. 

The night falls and the group reconvenes as Nick would now like to get to know who these girls really are as people after he has completed his full body pat downs. 

Corrine: “Nick held my boobs, no one has ever held my boobs like that and they never will.” … So no one has held your boobs on national TV cause that is the only thing I can think that she could be referring to. REMINDER - she’s a business owner. 

Corrine pulls Nick aside to start the night and lets him know that she wears her heart (STDs) on her sleeve, which Nick follows with “you are sexy”. True love folks. 

Raven: “I am not calling you an a$$hole, but I love a$$holes, and I love you” transitive property, ever heard of it. 

As the girls each get their 7-seconds in heaven with the Bachelor’s most notable loser, Corrine feels the need to get her time… again. 

Corrine: “Can I interrupt?”
Alexis: “What’s happening?”
Corrine: “I’m interrupting you.”

… and again.

Taylor: “I got my masters a Johns Hopkins…”
Corrine: “Hey Nick, can I talk to you one more time?”

Nick doesn’t seem to mind it all that much. 

Taylor: “I came here feeling really secure about myself.” … Well that was your first mistake. 

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT

“I interrupted Taylor and she came back and re-interrupted me, which is so rude. The way I go about things is very classy.” - Corrine

The essence of class. 

One-On-One (Danielle M.)

Conversation seems to be flowing in the helicopter. 

Nick: “Holy cow”
D.M.: “Wow”
Nick: “This is beautiful”
D.M.: “Crazy”

Just two cheeseheads dropping down on a yacht off the coast California… “If you’re from Wisconsin, why are you skinny”. 

This girl is way to fucking nice to be on this show, she is going to get crushed like a folding chair under a midwesterner. BUT WAIT… The soft spoken blonde has a skeleton, her fiancee OD’d and passed away. She has been through some tough shit, she could take this thing all the way. 

Oh, and she loves ferris wheels. 

Meanwhile .. back at the house Liz lays out her getting laid at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She puts all her trust and mental imagery in Christen (pronounced Kristin, but spelled like a bitch). It is great watching someone who had a one-night stand pretend to it needs to “be addressed”. The point of a hit and quit… is that you quit. 

Group Date 2 - Museum of Broken Relationships -_-

Hey, lets get off on the right foot. Here’s the museum of shit that didn’t work out. First group date, they get married before they date and this one they break up before the dessert. Nick, really going to the extremes, how about a whiffle ball game or a cooking class? 

Nick: “What did I donate”
Girls: “Oh there’s a dead rose and giant Neil Lane ring… Is this you?!”

Liz: “I thought I could take time on this date to talk to Nick.” - Yes Liz, a group date in a museum of shattered dreams would be the perfect time to hash out a drunk hook-up after your friends wedding. 

So there is a group of people that enjoy pretending to break up with strangers in public? Doesn’t Nick do this for a living? 

Kristina - “Did you floss? No? We’re through.” Nailed it. 
Christen - “Did you call me fat?” Yes. 
Josephine - “Finding the inner rage is going to be tough…” *decks Nick in the face* 
Liz (YES!) - *Opens notebook* “So, Nick…” Liz rips out a 8 minute vagina monologue titled “Fight For Me”. YOU FUCKED ONE NIGHT! Let the awkward silence commence. 

Originally posted by kates-gif-collection

Nick begins to contemplate telling the girls about Liz in case they already know, then Christen bulldozes him with confirmation that they do. 

Cut to Liz and Nick one-on-one, feeling a “To Be Continued” coming on, but let’s watch her struggle for a little bit before Chris tells us it’s over. 

Liz: “I didn’t reach out cause you had things going on, so I felt like coming on national television would be more intimate than a phone call… Duh.”
Nick: “I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. There are girls here that I haven’t slept with yet.” 

Nick: “Me and Liz knew each other, and we had sex.”

To be continued… 

Girls reaction: “Nick isn’t a virgin?!?!?! This is so fucked up.”