tv judge

Things the Hogwarts Houses say

(loosely based on conversations I’ve had/overheard)

Hufflepuff -

  • “If you don’t start singing along to High School Musical with me in under 30 seconds you will no longer be my best friend" 
  •  "I swear on my chicken nuggets-”
  • “Yes I made that joke up by my self - no it’s not from Spongebob Squarepants how dARE YOU-”
  • “Speaking of Spongebob can we just take a few moments to discuss how much of a masterpiece that first movie was please”
  • “Ah yes, it’s 3 in the morning, time to get emotional and tell all my friends how much I love them”
  • “You made me chocolate??? Oh my God I love you so much thank you I’ll have some right no - THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU TRICKED ME
  • “Oh my God yeah I saw that movie, my favourite part was when - oh shit wait there’s this adorable kitten video I meant to show you last week and I completely forgot let me get it up on my phone”
  • “Sorry I’m late I was up all night watching those videos where kids get surprised with puppies”
  • “Are you awake? Great, let’s start planning our future homes together, I have a pinterest board ready”
  • “This is my favourite photo album! It’s full of photos of all the cats and dogs I’ve made friends with on my walks, I’ve even given them all names”
  • (crying) “Stop calling me emotional God damn it”

Ravenclaw -

  •  "Of course I remember you said you liked the colour red, you told me at like 1:35 am last year in May"
  • “What? Simplifying equations? No, I can’t help with that but I do know all the words to every Simpsons episode in the first 5 seasons if that helps"
  • “Sorry I really can’t go out today. No I’m fine, I’m just stressed I’m doing something important. I’m trying to memorise all the words to this documentary about frogs - What? Yes of course it’s important!”
  • “I discovered and fully analysed that meme 3 weeks ago, step up your game”
  • “What do you mean why do I have a folder full of strategic plans on how to succeed at animal crossing, that’s not weird?”
  • “Sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been doing my own research and you’re getting all of this wrong. Well yes I know I’m not the teacher here but - Yes, actually, I’d love to teach the class my self I’ve already made a lesson plan, thank you”
  • No, I won’t come and see Jurassic World with you. Because it’s completely unrealistic! Do you have any idea what dinosaurs are actually supposed to have sounded and looked like? Even adult velociraptors weren’t meant to be that b - OK you know what, I will come, but I’ll be pointing out every single problem to you. No, it’s too late, you already invited me. I’m buying our tickets right now, don’t move”
  • “You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent YEARS studying this game and honing my skills, spending hours upon hours training until my hands cramp and even my tv is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing and you think YOU can beat me? Let’s fucking go
  • “I think these guys think I want to murder them because I followed them home but it’s only because I overheard them talking about what would happen if Pokemon is real and I wanted to see how good their logic was”
  • “Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for 17 years and I’m not about to start now”
  • (crying) "I just want Shakespeare’s ghost to be proud of me”

Gryffindor - 

  • “I’d love to have a sleepover but it can only be when there’s a thunderstorm so we can dance in the rain, let me check the weather forecast”
  • “Did that bee just try and sting you? COME BACK HERE BEE YOU COWARD I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP - wait shit no run”
  • "What did you say? Don’t touch it? Alright.” (touches it as soon as the person turns away) “Sucker”
  • “Whaaat? Someone wrote on the desk? No it wasn’t me I would never do th - My name was there? Well, I’m not the only one in the world with my na - My surname was there too? What are the chances?!”
  • “Help me I started saying lmao ironically and I can’t stop”
  • “Before you say anything it wasn’t me - unless it was something awesome then I definitely planned the whole thing”
  • Excuse me? They said what to you? … I have to go for a second, I just remembered something completely unrelated. No, no, I’m not taking this fork with me for any particular reason”
  • “Um, did you just tell me it’s impossible to sing along to a guitar solo? Stand back. Your mind is about to get blown”
  • “I am so not drunk! I’m completely drunk! … Wait shit I meant sober”
  • “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU AAAH LET ME HUG YOU! I’M NOT LETTING GO FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS, GET COMFORTABLE BITCH”
  • “I bet I can stay up for longer than you - what no I’m not tired shut up - nO THAT WASN’T A YAWN I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS TIRED - SEE I DID IT AGAIN TOTALLY ON PURPO - ok fuck you I’m going to sleep”

Slytherin - 

  • “Oh my God, just tell me what you did already so I can start complaining”
  • “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Did you say STOP saying fuck, or KEEP ON saying fuck?”
  • “Over your dead body? I was hoping you’d say that”
  • “If you even LOOK at them one more time I will take a stick as big as your ego and stick it right up your-”
  • “Don’t come near me or - OK fine, we can snuggle for exactly 15 minutes. I’m setting a timer now”
  • “Hey, I saw you posted a picture of us on instagram yesterday where my eyeliner isn’t completely straight? You’re gonna have to delete that, if anyone thinks my eyeliner isn’t drop dead perfect every day and that I’m not a literal make up goddess I’ll lose my reputation as the Regina George of the school”
  • “But keep the one where I’m wearing no make up so that all those bitches know I still kill it without trying”
  • “Oh come on, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you! Speaking of which, that video I posted on youtube the other day of you falling down the flight of escalators in the shopping centre has reached over 1000 views”
  • “My dad told me tattoos were trashy so I got a giant tattoo saying ‘trashy’ on my back I’ll send you his reaction later”
  • “I’m not a sentimental person but if you touch my teddy bear I will turn you into a stuffed trophy to put next to him”
  • “What do you mean I look smug this is my normal face”
Real meaning behind every song off of Blurryface
  • HeavyDirtySoul: yolo zombies are ironic
  • Stressed Out: candle making is how tyler relieves stress
  • Ride: we do reggae now
  • Fairly Local: we might have a thing for the radio
  • Tear in My Heart: fuck potholes
  • Lane Boy: don't trust Beyonce
  • The Judge: just never go outside
  • Doubt: we can pull off the repeated syllable thing
  • Polarize: we know so much spanish, like tres whole words
  • We Don't Believe What's On TV: we dont believe whats on tv
  • Message Man: you dont even know me!
  • Hometown: Inthedark, USA
  • Not Today: piano players are hardcore
  • Goner: blurryface was originally tyler screaming for 40 minutes with josh playing tambourine

Chopped judge to contestant: Your meat is so undercooked it’s practically raw, your vegetables are burnt, your sauce tastes eerily like cough syrup, and we all saw you spit in our dishes after time was called. I will say, though, your flavors are good

Chopped contestant in post-round interview: I think I have a good chance of moving on

twenty one pilots // blurryface

Heavydirtysoul

Stressed Out

Ride

Fairly Local

Tear In My Heart

Lane Boy

The Judge

Doubt

Polarize

We Don’t Believe What’s On TV

Message Man

Hometown

Not Today

Goner

Blurryface
  • Heavydirtysoul: "this is not rap" ARE YOU SURE TYLER?! ARE YOU REALLY SURE?! + street poetry lyrics I'm crying
  • Stressed out: insecurity + anti-capitalist vibes
  • Ride: reggae-techno-emo-rap
  • Fairly local: that one high note. You know what I'm talking about.
  • Tear in my heart: the cutesy love song we all need TBH
  • Lane boy: remember when you thought the ode to sleep rap was hard? AHAHAHAHAHA
  • The judge: weird ass noise in the beginning + ukulele + freeeeEEEEEEEE
  • Doubt: k but the beginning part sound like cats meowing really fast
  • Polarize: low key makes it feel like you're in a rap video
  • We don't believe what on tv: JOSHHHHHHHHH + YEYEYE
  • Message man: chill af + dat bassline tho
  • Hometown: supercool alt-rock vibes
  • Not today: "this ones a contradiction because of how happy it sounds" LIKE ALL YOUR FUCKIN MUSIC?!?! THIS IS WHY IM SO EMOTIONALLY CONFUSED
  • Goner: I'm crying AGAIN + the tiNY BEAN IS SCREAMING AGAIN
Every YEAH in Blurryface

This is every YEAH! in twenty one pilot’s album “Blurryface.” DISCLAIMER: I know someone has done this before but for the life of me I can’t find it so I went ahead and made it again.  All audio belongs to Twenty One Pilots, I just stitched it together cause I was bored.  Credit for the idea to whoever did it first that I can’t find anymore.

Blurryface Summary
  • heavydirtysoul: Speed beat street poetry
  • Stressed Out: Funky existential crisis
  • Ride: Bouncy electronica
  • Fairly Local: Electro-Operatic call to arms
  • Tear In My Heart: Cute and happy love song
  • Lane Boy: Drum and Bass fuck you to the music industry
  • The Judge: Ukulele fuelled power folk
  • Doubt: Everybody in the club get down (as low as these lyrics)
  • Polarize: Schizophrenic RnB
  • We Don't Believe What's On TV: So that's where 2009 Mumford & Sons went
  • Message Man: Imagine Twenty One Dragon Pilots
  • Hometown: Foster The People
  • Not Today: Killer bassline, deathly lyrics
  • Goner: Awwh just like the origina-NO WAIT BLURRYFACE LINES AND SCREAMING