turkey-tails

I was bored on my way to uni, so I decided to mull over some fake banter between Asala (the elf-blooded teenage daughter of one of my Qunari Inquisitors, Taashath Adaar) and the companions, should she tag along on missions.

 ***

Asala: So you’re like the Qunari-Qunari, are you? All right and proper?

Bull: [chuckles] Oh, I am seldom proper, kid. But yes, I follow the Qun.

Asala: You know, my Da’s not that different from you.

Bull: [grunts disapprovingly]

Asala: No, but you see: you’d think he’d be able to do anything he wants without you Bennies watching over him? Well, nah! With a face and horns like those, you can only be a merc, and nothing else! It’s like a role - only instead of the Qun, it’s assigned to you by humans, and you can never escape! You can’t be an artist, or a baker, or a tailor… Did you know that my Da is actually great at making lace? He…

Taashath: Asala!

Asala: Fine, fine… Shutting up.

Bull: [thoughtfully to himself] Bennies…

***

Cassandra: When I was your age, I had already spent many years training as a Seeker.

Asala: Is that why you are so uptight? Jealous that I get to have fun and you didn’t?

Cassandra: [disgusted noise] My point is that you could at least try learning to be more disciplined. Your father worries about you; it… it distracts him from his duties.

Asala: Yeah, well, so do you, but you don’t see me prattling to you about discipline, yeah?

Varric (if in party): Hah! Good retort, Braids!

Cassandra: I… I don’t know what you mean… How could I possibly…

Asala: Go discipline your cheekbones, Lady Seeker. They are too distracting.

***

Vivienne: If I were you, my dear, I’d spend less time around that Sera character.

Sera (if in party): She’s not a baby, yeah? She can pick whatever friends she likes, with no help from bossy bitches like you!

Vivienne: All those… unseemly pranks, races around the keep in the middle of the night - and you are picking up some of her mannerisms, too! That is quite unbecoming for the Inquisitor’s daughter.

Asala: But I swear I saw you smile when I did that thing to Cullen!

Vivienne: It was… mildly amusing, yes - but that is not my point, darling.

(If Sera is in party) Asala and Sera together: No breeches!

***

Asala: Hey, can I poke you for a moment?

Solas: Not in the literal sense, I hope?

Sera (if in party): Aww look, Master Egghead is still upset about the tadpoles in his mug!

Asala: No… I just thought you might look at this for me. It’s, um, a bracelet - but I can’t put it on cuz my wrists are too big, so I wear it on a chain like an amulet of sorts. It belonged to my mother.

Solas: It has… Elvhen writing on it.

Asala: Sure it does! My mother was an elf!

Sera (if in party): Eww, I knew you were part elfy, but I never figured you’d be hold-on-to-weird-junk sorta elfy!

Solas: And I suppose you want me to translate it for you? Very well. I shall examine it when we are in a quieter place.

***

Sera (if she was in party during the previous banter): Hey, ‘bout last time. I… I sorta take it back and all. You are all right, even with the elfy junk bits!

Taashath: You make it sound like she should be ashamed of her mother!

Sera: Whoah, don’t go all red-eyed on me!

Asala: Da, she didn’t mean anything by it.

Sera: Sure I did! I meant s'all good!

Taashath: Hmph. All the same, think before you talk next time.

Vivienne (if in party): Sometimes you are impossibly demanding, my dear.

***

Solas: That inscription on your mother’s bracelet - it is a prayer to Mythal. I translated the whole text and sent my notes up to your quarters.

Asala: Oh, thanks Egg… I mean Solas. After all these years, we’ll finally know what it means! Even my mother herself could only make out a couple of words. Right, Da?

Taashath: Yes. Most of the folks in Liliel’s alienage could barely read common, let alone the language of the ancient elves.

Solas: That is… Most unfortunate.

Sera (if in party): Ya know what’s unfortunate? Going this long without food! I think I’ll go shoot a ram or somethin’.

***

Asala: You know, Blackwall, the way you go on, I could make a sport of dangling off a cliff to see who runs faster to catch me, you or Da.

Taashath: Don’t even think about it!

Blackwall: Your safety is not a joking matter!

Asala: Ugh, why do you never loosen up around me? Is it something about my face? My voice? Me being taller than you?

Blackwall: You are the Inquisitor’s child. My first duty is to protect you.

Asala: This child is seven-bloody-teen years old, thank you very much.

Blackwall: I thought your father said you had only turned sixteen recently.

Asala: I’ll get back on that when you’re less boring.

***

Asala: Hey Bull, are there singers under the Qun? Or writers?

Bull: That what you wanna be, kid?

Asala: Yeah, kinda… But have you ever seen a Vashoth singer anywhere?

Bull: Can’t say I have. Unless you count drunken singing in taverns.

Asala: Do you think the Qunari Tama… things would have picked the right role for me? The role that matches what I wanna do with my life?

Taashath: Don’t put any ideas into her head, Bull!

Bull: Wasn’t going to, boss. Like I said, the Qun is not for everyone. That teenage rebellion thing your kid likes doing - probably wouldn’t end well.

***

Varric: These poems you write, Braids - they are pretty good.

Asala: Wow, really?

Varric: You actually make the words rhyme without making the whole thing seem like one of those grating kiddy songs.

Asala: Hah, I don’t suppose there are too many kiddy songs about gravestones and doomed lovers and such.

Taashath: About that… I could never get why you have to make all your stuff so dark!

Varric: She’s a teenager, Floofy. Writing dark poetry is part of her job description. But unlike some teenagers, she is actually good at it.

***

Cassandra: I… I happened to be passing by when Varric was looking at your last poem, and accidentally glanced over his shoulder.

Asala: Oh? So now you’re gonna tell me that poetry’s undisciplined too?

Cassandra: No, I just… Why did that woman’s husband have to die?

Asala: So she’d mourn him and break the reader’s heart?

Varric (if in party): Don’t bother, Braids. The Seeker only accepts happily-ever-afters.

Cassandra: That is… the most ludicrous reasoning I ever heard! Besides, she had plenty of opportunity to come to his aid in that battle! If she had flanked the enemies that he had engaged…

Asala: She isn’t based on you, you know. Because that would mean her hubby’s based on Da, and I can’t kill off my own father!

Cassandra: [disgusted noise]

***

Dorian: I hear you made quite a scene at the execution site.

Asala: Hah, I sure did! Shame you weren’t there to see it!

Dorian: I deemed drinking myself witless to be a far more pleasant pastime than watching your father cut off my former mentor’s head.

Taashath: Dorian, we’ve been over this.

Dorian: With you, yes. But not with the girl. She deserves a personal thank you for standing up to a certain valiant leader.

Asala: I am great at that. Years of practice.

(Some time later)

Dorian: I wonder… What exactly did you say to change his mind?

Asala: Well, Da ranted on and on about how your hooded friend turned me into a dead chunk of red lyrium in the bad future, and how hurt and angry he was. And I said, 'So now you know how he is feeling!’. And then Da made this droopy face he is making now and…

Taashath: Will you two please change the subject?

Dorian: Very well. Pray tell me, young Asala, what are your sentiments towards grapes?

***

Cole: Flowing, rhythmic patterns, cryptic but beautiful, how does he do it? You… You really like the way I talk?

Asala: Of course I do! It’s like you’re brimming over with poetry all the time!

Cole: I just try to sort through things I hear. It’s hard sometimes, when people are so solid and are hurting too loudly. I… may not make a lot of sense.

Asala: Hey, I don’t make a lot of sense either! We can start a club!

***

Blackwall: And then he said: but at least the turkey still has its tail!

Asala: Hah, finally! I knew you were not completely hopeless! What a great un-boring story!

Blackwall: It’s from my old army days.

Asala: Huh, I thought army humour would be dirtier.

Blackwall: It is. I had to censor it somewhat so your father wouldn’t kill me.

(Some time later)

Asala: What about Grey Warden humour? Is it dirty too?

Blackwall: Well… The thing is, by the time I joined the Wardens, I had lost some of my boyish penchant for amusing tales.

Asala: Too bad… Well, army humour it is, then! Do I get to hear the uncensored version when I turn eighteen?

Taashath: Asala!

***

(After the cutscene where Dorian tells Taashath that Felix died)

Dorian: It was you, wasn’t it?

Asala: Salt sprinkles on Josie’s chocolate? Yeah, it was me. But I only added a little!

Dorian: No, I mean that poem on Alexius’ desk. The one about the man who planted a tree and then, when it withered, remembered how he had sat in its shade? He told me about it this morning.

Asala: I have no idea what you’re talking about! Trees! Shade! I’d never write such sappy nonsense!

Dorian: You brought the man who almost destroyed the world to the verge of tears. That is quite an accomplishment, young lady - and I say that as an incredibly accomplished person myself.

***

Asala: So… You and Da - did you do the bnb thing or what?

Cassandra: Bnb? What manner of teenage jargon is this?

Asala: Oh, you know… Birds and bees.

Cassandra: Birds and… Oh! Oh, I see!

Taashath: Asala, leave the Lady Seeker alone!

Asala: Still Lady Seeker, huh? So I guess you didn’t do it… What’s stopping you? I mean, you have the hots for each other - it’s sooo obvious!

Taashath: Asala, stop this - or so help me, when we return to Skyhold, you’re grounded!

***

Cole: Woke up from a nightmare again. Demons, calling, clawing, constricting; Uldred’s eyes, bottomlessly black, suddenly not two but a dozen; Meredith bathed in crimson. And then - soft, soothing, shimmering, rainbows dancing over his bed. It had been so long since he started the morning with a smile.

Taashath: What are you talking about, Cole?

Asala: We put shards of coloured glass into the holes in Cullen’s ceiling. Now they both protect him from the rain and give off pretty light!

Taashath: Wait, have you been climbing the roof?

Cole: She didn’t fall. She didn’t die. Today is another day when she didn’t die.

Asala: Yeah… Thanks for this cheery thought, Cole.

Cole: It wasn’t me. It was your father.

***

Dorian: The books I ordered from Tevinter have finally arrived.

Asala: Does this mean you’ll give me a lesson tonight?

Dorian: Of course. You already have those Orlesian volumes, don’t you? Southern historians are biased against Tevinter; our historians are biased against the rest of the world… It will be educational to pit them against one another.

Asala: And fun!

Taashath: Wait, did my daughter just call learning fun?

Dorian: Why the tone of surprise? What did you try to teach her?

Taashath: How to run a merc company.

Dorian: Well, there you have it!

***

Asala: Um, Cassandra… If you hesitate about Da because of me - please don’t.

Cassandra: Because of you?

Asala: Yeah, like… If you worry that I’ll hate you for stealing him and replacing my mother and all.

Cassandra: Nothing could be further from my mind! Even if my relationship with the Inquisitor wasn’t strictly professional!

Asala: Well, in case it ever stops being 'strictly professional’ - I don’t even remember my mother. Da raised me alone. And I actually think it’d be good for him to have someone in his life. Take care of the stupid old fella and all.

Taashath: I heard that!

***

(After Taashath saves the Chargers)

Asala: Hey, Bull… Don’t look so glum! Remember that time you said the Qun isn’t for everyone? Maybe it wasn’t for you too. It just took you this long to figure out.

Bull: Hmph. And what do you suppose is for me then?

Asala: Maryden put some of my poems to music. She’ll be singing them tonight at the tavern. Krem will come, and the other Chargers. I think if you come too, you’ll understand what is for you.

Bull: Huh, I think you spend too much time round Cole. That cryptic shit is beginning to rub off.

Taashath: Bull, what did I tell you?

Bull: Oh, right, boss - don’t swear in front of the kid! Fuck, I’m sorry!

***

(After Revelations)

Asala: You know, it’s kinda funny.

Blackwall: What is?

Asala: I heard stories about the Grey Wardens plenty of times when I was a kid, with the Blight having recently ended and all. And when I met you, you were just like I imagined the Grey Wardens should be.

Blackwall: And now… I have disappointed you.

Asala: What? No! The Grey Wardens are gonna disappoint me from now on, if they don’t pull off all this amazing noble-warrior-atoning-for-his-past stuff!

Blackwall: You… You don’t know the whole story, do you?

Asala: I know enough to believe that you deserve sticking around with our Inquisition. And you can always tell me the uncensored version when I am eighteen, right?

***

Cassandra: Are you feeling better now? Have you asked Vivienne for a potion?

(If Vivienne is in party) Vivienne: She has indeed, my dear. But such things are generally not discussed in public.

(Otherwise) Asala: Sure! But do we… do we have to discuss my darkspawn week in front of everyone?

Cassandra: I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

Asala: Aww, thanks, mom.

Cassandra: You do not have to call me ’m'am’.

Asala: I wasn’t.

***

(After Last Resort of Good Men)

Asala: Damn, Dorian.

Dorian: Was that expletive a sign of admiration for my good looks?

Asala: I mean… My Da yells at me sometimes, and tries to punish me when I mess up… And this makes me think that he is the meanest person in the world… But it’s nothing like what you went through, is it?

Dorian: Oh, there were plenty of temper tantrums on my part too.

Asala: And for good reason! Me, I’m just a selfish teenager who wants attention - but you… You are amazing and you deserve better!

Dorian: You are not exactly worthless yourself, young lady.

***

(After Bring Me the Heart of Snow White)

Vivienne: Bastien’s family shall be holding a musical salon as a tribute to both himself and his wife. I would very much like it if you attended, my dear.

Asala: Whaa- ? Really?

Vivienne: If your father gives you permission, of course. You have such a wonderful singing voice; it is wasted in the courtyards and bath houses of Skyhold.

Asala: But… Won’t they be scared of me being… me? Unless you give me a mask to wear, I suppose.

Vivienne: It will be a half-face mask only; otherwise how would you sing?

Asala: Oh.

Vivienne: Being who you are ought to be a source of strength, not weakness. Always remember that, darling.