tumore

I had to take some scans yesterday to see some shit a doctor saw closer and found out a couple of things from the first. The second’s result doesnt come in till Thursday, but so far its thankfully nothing serious. I hope its the same for the shit spotted near my intestines

Things I’ve thought while drawing

“I dunno what that is but it’s not a hand”

“That looks more like a tumor than a foot”

“whyyyyyyyy”

“can we please just officially remove all wrists from existence thank you”

“Why does that arm look like a wavy bean”

“Drawing feet makes me want to kill myself”

“What even are *insert body part here*s?”

“IT’S ON THE WRONG HECKING LAYER ADFGSDAJDWEFKJ”


A Promise to Keep {Part 1}

Jinyoung x OC x Jaebum
Genre: fluff/angst
Warnings:
heartbreak, brain tumor, death

The sound of beeping woke her up, an incessant sound she was used to. She sat up, feeling the ache and pain in her neck and lower back from falling asleep in the rigid chair.

The nurse walked in “Good morning, I’m just going to check on his IV lines”.  She smiled at the nurse, moving her chair closer to his bedside grabbing hold of his hand. She watched as the nurse pressed buttons on the IV pump, bringing the persistent beeping to a stop. The nurse looked at her and smiled, “Do you need me to bring you anything? A warm blanket?”

 She shook her head, “No thank you.” Her gaze reverting back to her husband who lied in bed still sleeping.

 “I’ll be back to check on him in a bit.” Glancing at him once more the nurse left.

 She stroked her thumb against the back of his hand and then brought his hands up to her lips and kissed it. His eyes fluttered open, a smile forming across his lips when he saw her beside him.

 “Good Morning beautiful,” his voice husky.

 “Hi handsome,” her hand still grasping his, a soft smile across her face.

 Jinyoung tried sitting up and adjusting his position in bed but barely moved an inch, “I told you not to stay the night again, you should be home in our bed sleeping.”

She brushed the hair away from his forehead, “It’s too empty without you. I’d rather be here by your side.” She didn’t want to miss any moment spent with him.

Jinyoung’s eye closed again, drowsiness was something she was used to now. Most of the day was spent watching him sleep. She preferred that then the times when he was in pain from the excruciating headaches or the overwhelming phases of nausea he would go through. When he was sleeping, he was peaceful.

 They were married for three beautiful years and had been dating for eight before that. She had moved from another city and when she stepped into the classroom Jinyoung knew he wanted to make her his. Which is what he did. All throughout high school and college they dated. They fought over the little things and joked about them too. Even after being together for so long he was still nervous when he asked her if she would spend the rest of his life with him and his heart filled with overwhelming amounts of joy when she said yes. They got married, travelled to places around the world, settled in a three bedroom bungalow with a white picket fence and a yard so that the dog they owned together would have enough space to roam around, and they dreamt of having children together. Growing old together. The past 3 months changed everything. It started when Jinyoung stayed home from work one day due to a bad headache. When she returned home she found him lying in the kitchen unconscious, and he was immediately rushed to the hospital. That was when their life changed forever. Jinyoung was diagnosed with a brain a tumor. More specifically, glioma of the frontal lobe. They could treat his symptoms, but could not cure him. Her world stopped when the doctor’s declared it terminal. From that moment on the color disappeared from her world and she was left only seeing shades of grey. She stayed by his side. Never returning home, any belongings or change of clothes she needed Jinyoung’s mom or her mom would bring. She became accustomed to the routines of the hospital, even taking on some of the care for him herself. There were good days and bad days. The good days were when Jinyoung and her could walk down the hospital hallway hand in hand, leaving the walls of the room they were secluded too most other days  or when they would watch tv, snuggled on the single mattress of the hospital bed, almost feeling like they were at home. The bad days were when Jinyoung would look at her and not remember who she was, what they meant to each other, his personality different than the one she was used to. A common symptom for the kind of brain tumor he was diagnosed with.  On those days she would excuse herself from the room and find a hidden corner in the hospital where she wept. He never remembered any of those moments and she kept it to herself because she knew it would pain him.

 “Knock, knock” Jaebum leaned against the doorway.

 She sat up, wiping the tear that had rolled down her cheek. Fixing her posture to look more positive and put together than she actually was.

 “Hey,” Jaebum gave her a nod as he entered the room and sat on the chair on the opposite side of the bed.

 Jinyoung opened his eyes at the sound of Jaebum’s voice. He smiled then turned his head to him, “Hey bro, looking good” he said as he admired Jaebum’s leather jacket.

 “Definitely better than you,” Jaebum snickered.

 She could only roll her eyes at his comment. How can he joke like that? Im Jaebum was Jinyoung’s best friend since childhood. She never understood why, as they were polar opposites. Jinyoung was captain of the volleyball team, vice president external of the student body, accepted on a full ride scholarship to his university and a team lead at the company he worked at. Jaebum spent more time in detention than in actual classes, loved to party and spend his leisure activities with women, he became a well known record producer and emanated the “bad boy” image. Yet their friendship was everlasting. After all this time she didn’t know how she felt about Jaebum. There were times he was cold to her, most of the time it felt like he didn’t acknowledge her presence. She was polite to him for Jinyoung’s sake but could never warm up to him the way she did with others. There was just something about him that made her keep her guard up.

Jinyoung tried sitting up, she helped adjust the bed upright and arranged the pillows behind him. He gave her a thankful smile. Since Jaebum was there she decided to take the time stretch her legs and give the two friend’s some time together. She leaned down and kissed Jinyoung on the forehead. “I’m going to go get some coffee from downstairs.”

 “I love you” Jinyoung said as he grabbed her hand as she turned.

 She leaned down and pressed her lips gently against his, “I love you.”

 Jinyoung watched as his wife left the room, Jaebum barely looked her way. When she was out of the room Jinyoung sighed and leaned his head back. The movement of sitting up made him nauseous. He looked at Jaebum, “This isn’t good for her and it isn’t fair to her. She deserves more.”

 “You’re the best there is,” Jaebum smiled, he tried to maintain his usual self around Jinyoung. Even though it pained him to see his best friend in this state.

 Jinyoung let out a small laugh as he shook his head, “Can I ask you something?”

 “If you’re going to ask me give you a bed bath, then my answer is no” Jaebum chuckled, but he saw the expression on Jinyoung’s face and his smile slowly faded. “What is it?”

 Jinyoung looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the right words to say. “Take care of her for me? You know, when I’m gone.”

 “Don’t say stuff like that.” Jaebum’s brows furrowed, his heart sinking at the request of his friend.

 Jinyoung smiled at his friend, “I have to, I need to make sure she’ll be in good hands. That she’ll have someone to watch over her, especially because I won’t be able to.”

It was silent as Jaebum reflected on his words, “She doesn’t even like me.”

 “She’ll warm up to you,” his eyes crinkled as he let out a laugh, “Promise me?”

 Jaebum nodded, “I’ll try my best bro.”

When she returned Jaebum was gone and Jinyoung was flipping through channels on the tv.

“Come here” he made space beside  him on the bed and held out his arms, patting to the space beside him.

She nestled into the space, resting her head in the crook of his neck. He  wrapped both arms around her, taking in her scent, feeling her warmth beside him.

“I love you,” he whispered as he kissed the top of her forehead.

She snuzzled in closer, “I love you too,” taking comfort in the rise and fall of chest as he breathed.

“Have I told you how lucky I am to have you?” he said as he glanced down at her.

She smiled and looked up at him, “Countless of times.”

“Good, I want to tell you as much as possible.” Kissing her forehead again, he tightened his arms around her.

Something about the way he said it made the smile fade away slightly, she tried not to dwell about it. She didn’t want to think of the future, she only wanted to remain in this moment as long as possible. In his arms, feeling the warmth of his body and the sound of his breathing. She wanted the slow dances in the kitchen, the evening walks by the river with their dog, she would even settle for the minuscule tasks of grocery shopping with him, washing dishes while he dried. She clung to the hope however dim it was that it would be possible, but their talks of the future died. There were no more talks of children, no trips being planned. They both lived in the moment, holding onto whatever time remained. Loving each other as much as they could, expressing their love every chance they got. She closed her eyes while he held her, imagining the future they had always talked about as she drifted off to sleep.

The next week Jaebum wandered into the hospital, he whistled as he rode the elevator to the floor that Jinyoung was on. A deck of cards in his front jacket pocket as he wanted to see if Jinyoung was up for a card game.  As he walked down the hallway towards the room, a group of people pushed past him and straight into Jinyoung’s room. His heart stopped, and he found himself running after them. Panting he stopped at the doorway to see chaos in the room, persistent commands being shouted from the doctor as nurses rushed to gather supplies and follow orders given. She was there, in the corner of the room begging for Jinyoung to wake up. The nurse’s grabbed her arm to try and lead her out of the room but she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. Eventually another nurse assisted and grabbed hold of her as they lead her towards the doorway. Her focus only on Jinyoung as she wept, when she saw Jaebum by the door she ran into his arms in agony.  He didn’t say anything, he only held her as he watched. Her head was buried in his chest and he stroked the back of her hair to comfort her. Then the long extended beep from the heart monitor filled the room. She sobbed into his chest unceasingly, hands clutching at his jacket.  He held her in silence, his cheek pressed against her head as he continuously stroked the back of her head as if to have her not turn around. He watched as the team were doing everything in their power. The beads of sweat dripping from the doctor’s and nurses, as Jinyoung lied still on the bed, his color faded from his face and eyes closed. Amidst all the chaos he could faintly hear the words Jinyoung spoke to him last week as he held her weeping in his arms.

 “Take care of her.”

 ~Admin Youngley

Let me know what you think! :)

MRI NEWS

One of the perks of working at the hospital where I get my MRI done; is that I can get the results and prepare myself.

I let one of my nurse friends read the report and interrupt it for me as best as she could.

The tumor is causing the tremors and the fregrent migraines/headaches. I’m waiting for my doctor to let me know what the next step will be.

Vorrei essere tutto ciò che ti fa stare meglio.
—  Leo - Braccialetti Rossi
(via diariodiunaragazzastramba)

Ho sempre amato le stelle.
Da bambina mi ritrovavo in giardino, di notte, a guardarle.
La mamma usciva stringendosi nel cappotto e mi riportava in casa.
All'inizio mi sgridava, poi ci fece l'abitudine.
Un giorno le chiesi quante stelle ci fossero nell'universo, e lei mi rispose che erano tante quante i bambini felici.


Quando avevo 13 anni mi regalarono il mio primo telescopio. Passavo ore ed ore nella mia stanza, affacciata alla finestra.
Ero giunta alla conclusione che le stelle erano molte ma molte di più di tutta la popolazione del mondo.
Ma non volevo dirlo alla mamma.
Allora le chiesi perché le stelle cadenti si chiamavano così. Lei mi rispose che quando moriva una persona buona, uno di quelle amate, le stelle piangevano lasciando una scia.

A 16 anni avevo una libreria pieni di libri sul cielo e passavo ogni sera in giardino a fantasticare.
Cosa c'era lassù?
Ma quando un giorno tornai dentro casa e trovai la mamma per terra che si teneva il naso sanguinante, capii che forse avevo esagerato a perdermi in sciocchezze.
Chiusi in cantina il mio telescopio.
Alla mamma dissi che avevo cambiato hobby.

Avevo 19 anni quando fu ricoverata la prima volta, mentre il liquido della flebo le entrava in corpo io la intrattenevo raccontandole quello che mi girava per la testa.
Finché mi chiese delle stelle.
Ed io con un sorriso, iniziai a raccontarle delle comete e delle meteore.
Quella sera andai a riprendere il telescopio e riaprii i libri.
La mamma non mi chiese mai niente, ma da quel giorno mi guardò con uno sguardo diverso.


A 23 anni, chiusa in un ascensore aspettando di arrivare al piano giusto, ripensai a quella volta in cui la mamma mi disse che le stelle si divertivano a mettersi in posizioni diverse per formare le costellazioni.
Arrivata nella sua stanza, la salutai e le sistemai la bandana in testa.
E come ultima richiesta, volle che le parlai ancora del cielo.
Ormai avevo capito che le stelle erano 3 seguite da 23 zeri e che le costellazioni non erano giochi, ma le 88 parti in cui è suddivisa la sfera celeste.
Ma non glielo dissi mai.

La lasciai quella sera.
E quando varcai la porta d'uscita dell'ospedale, vidi una stella cadente.
La mia mamma aveva ragione, quando muore una persona buona, le stelle piangono.

—  Sono passati cinque anni da quando una delle persone più importanti della mia vita se ne è andata.
Se ne è andata e non l'ha scelto.
E volevo ricordarti così.
Ti voglio bene.