I’m officially in my last year of medical school - I can’t believe how quickly time has flown.
Third year was an emotional time for me. It had some of the highest highs and the lowest lows so far. A list of the best and worst moments from each rotation:
Best: A patient wrote a poem about his struggles between darkness & light, and gave me a copy (which is still on my wall).
Worst: Realizing that my own mental health problems weren’t going anywhere.
Best: Doing a full H&P & presenting to an attending on my own for the first time.
Worst: Watching an attending I admired ignore the visibly overwhelmed and upset parent of a patient, without being able to do anything myself.
Best: Learning the newborn exam, and actually auscultating a murmur on a baby.
Worst: Learning that the lab lost a precious sample of CSF from a tiny premature baby who was seizing - and lied about it - despite my calling every day for a week.
Best: Being trusted enough by my senior to be sent to the peds ED to do an H&P on my own; once there, being recognized by both the ED attending & peds resident, both of whom told me to do my interview and let them know what I found, since they trusted me to get the info they needed too.
Worst: Being yelled at for not knowing how a clinic worked on my first day there. Also having to call residents Dr. __ for literally the only time all year. Also having to stay 2 hours for morning conference after doing overnights.
Best: That moment, for the first time all year, when I finally started to feel competent - I knew my patients, I was in charge of their care, they knew me & trusted me, and my team trusted me too.
Worst: I don’t even know where to begin. Having things thrown at me in the OR. Being awake & in the hospital for 34 of 36 straight hours. Getting yelled at by 6 nurses at once for doing what the attending asked me to do in the middle of a code. Seeing my first patient die. Seeing my second patient die. After both deaths, having no acknowledgement of what happened, and just being told to get back to updating the lab lists. The overwhelmingly prevalent sentiment that your worth as a human being is dependent solely on your position in the hierarchy.
Best: My attending calling me the best intern he’d ever had. My patient having her husband bake bread & bring me a loaf.
Worst: Having one of my patients transferred to the ICU and not going to see him before he died - something I regret, and won’t ever let happen again.
I’ve learned a lot. I know how to manage COPD and CHF and asthma. I know how to draw blood and do ABGs and place NG tubes. I know the names of maybe a third of the residents and a third of the nurses, and I’m working on learning more. I know how to talk to patients from all walks of life and take care of them at their most vulnerable. I have plenty more to learn, but for now - that’s enough.
dancing in the street in barcelona (a hector bellerin imagine)
we’re going somewhere where the sun is shining bright
just close your eyes, and let’s pretend we’re dancing in the street in barcelona
It was a sentence you’d
become accustomed to, considering how many times you felt the need to say it.
Enough times that you didn’t even need to think, didn’t even need to feel the
cold wind whip around your arms, before spluttering it out.
1. Currently, I’m in the midst of a serious competition with some coworkers to see who can pass a dobb hoff the deepest into the small intestine. The current winner speared poop in the small intestine with the tip of the dobb hoff. She calls this her greatest achievement.
2. I don’t know what the AF stands for in the names of tube feeding formulas, but in my mind it’s peptamen as f***.
3. When I’m telling a patient why they should not do something, too often I use the logic “because if you do, you will die.”
4. Every minute my coworker is late to take report from me, is a minute less of report they are getting.
5. Not getting picked to talk to JCAHO or Magnet surveyors is the nurse equivalent to winning the lottery.
6. “Hey you want coffee?” Is nurse for “I love you.”
7. I don’t always hide in the medication room, but when I do, it’s to talk crap about my patient or their family or Dr. Full-of-himself.
8. I live for the moment I get to kick visitors out.
9. It is wrong to walk around the ICU saying “I see dead people,” or “Welcome to the vegetable garden,” or “I will unplug her vent to charge my cell phone.” All things that had to be explained in a unit meeting on appropriate work conduct.
10. I will straight up ignore my patients when the therapy dogs come to the unit.
As a child I was fine
Blissfully passing time
Then came pressure
Life as a teenager
I’ve got to fit in
If I don’t it’s a sin
The cock playing jocks
Chicks in tube socks
Cruel name calling heard
My brain deeply scared
Stupid nerd or a geek
Even a fucking freak
Everything on life’s table
Has to be labelled
Fashion and sex
Made me perplexed
This damn society
You say stop your tears
Gotta face your fears
So easy to do
You haven’t a clue
Are we allowed to be
End my life
Perhaps with a knife
Demons in my head
Worse when I’m in bed
But that’s where I stay
Avoid light of day
Impossible to cope
Maybe a rope
I feel more than just sad
You tell me I’m mad
Look at life’s riches
Say you crazy bitches
My life is contracting
Your laws conflicting
But I just want to be me
From your rules set free
Life a misnomer
Feels like a coma
Its dragging me under
Music my escape
Lyrics with meaning
Seep deep in my feelings
Tried my own writing
In ink my thoughts frightening
In the end I just crack
Turning to smack
What’s society all about
Think I’ll just opt out
Something that I have been thinking about after this most recent chapter is the three things in Tokyo Ghoul:re. There is the cafe :re which is run by those who survived the raid on Anteiku. There is Kaneki who is the self-proclaimed king, yet at his moment of announcing that there was the reveal of re meaning king. Then there was Amon in the re tube.
The first is the cafe :re, which was the first place that in a small way triggered Haise’s memories of the past even if it was as small as crying over it. This place was revealed to Touka as a place for Kaneki to return.
which gave the impression that Tokyo Ghoul:re was about Kaneki’s return to home.
However, that was turned on it’s head when Kaneki declared himself King and re meant king. This in turn started to make sense in the case of the narrative that Ishida of a chess game between Furuta and Kaneki. Kaneki while not having the most outstanding morals wants a change for the better of the world, whereas Furuta wants the world to stay the same with him in charge. Yet, in the long run something didn’t feel right with manipulative players like Donato and Uta still around.
Then Amon was revealed in a tube named re, which we know from Kaneki means king, and was considered a last resort savior for the researchers in the lab.
Amon being in the re tube means a lot for the story, as while Kaneki has been a physical force who learns from mistakes. Amon is a man who was philosophical to a degree and had huge morals that he rarely wavered from minus his interactions with Kaneki. I wonder if Amon being shown with re has to do with why Donato and the clowns have teamed up with Furuta. Donato has only found interest with people who have to do with Amon, like Haise. I wonder if he only teamed up with Furuta to get information on him and figure out where he was. It would also make sense considering Donato’s obsession with him as a child, and how that it remains as Amon has gotten older. I think it’s a major part to do with why Amon has been referenced as with re and why Furuta hasn’t.
It makes me speculate that tgre will most likely end with the three things called re aligned which would parallel the end of tg. Amon and Kaneki fighting each other for what they believe in at at :re a place for kings to return to. Yet, this time they realize that they have the same common interest fixing a world thats wrong
MARCH recently acquired a one-of-a-kind machine – a custom-made Philbick analog computer made specifically for M.I.T. in 1958. A large portion of it’s processing is done via operational amplifiers, and almost everything is vacuum tube based (there are a few transistors on this computer though). It’s a very modular machine, designed to be completely reconfigured and rewired on a task-by-task basis.
It is in serious need of restoration and probably a few dozen or hundred replacement vacuum tubes to bring it back to functional condition. It also had an era-appropriate oscilloscope used for diagnostics of the computer.
Down the hall there’s a vault door. Behind it, you’ll see a man crying on his desk with suspicious tubes of green liquid and dark figures inside of them, each labelled with a number, name, and function.
The Rainbow Sphere - Designed to keep employees positive The Intelligence Dampening Sphere - Designed to keep the GLaDOS from making smart violent decisions if the time comes for it to happen The Adventure Sphere - Designed to make testing more appealing and impressive so that more volunteers would continue with their tests The Space Sphere - Designed to give current employees a ‘childlike imagination’ and invent better things The Maintenance Sphere - Designed to maintain machines, employees, and number count for graphs
An empty tube is open, the name hastily scrawled onto it. Below it reads the function.
The Fact Sphere - Designed to give employees true up-to-date facts about the world to give them an idea of what to invent