the members of an orchestra
  • violins I: we're the superstars fuck everyone else its all about us
  • violins II: why do we always get the boring parts
  • flutes: we're so lonely
  • piccolo: lol fk your ears
  • french horns: and im not even french hONHONHON BAGUETTE
  • oboes: IM SORRY I TUNED BEFORE I SWEar
  • violas: evERYONE ALWAYS FKUCING FRORGETS ABOUT US
  • trumpets: wats 'p'
  • trombones: wats quiet
  • cellos: im either boring af or exciting af and there is no in between
  • bassoons: im so posh but i really just honk like a truck
  • clarinet: *squeaks*
  • timpani: EVERYONE LOVES ME BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM
  • bass clarinet: lol where am i
  • tuba: *waits for a wagner piece to do something exciting*
  • harp: im just a more sophisticated piano
  • piano: FUCK YOU HARP I GET CONCERTOS WRITTEN FOR ME SCREW EVERYTHING WHO NEEDS AN ORCHESTRA WHEN YOU CAN PLAY EVERYTHING ON ME IM THE STAR OF EVERYTIHNG
  • english horn: im literally only useful for dvorak's 9th like what am even i doing here
  • basses: semibreves, tied to a semibreve, tied to a minim, tied to a crotchet, oh wait a quaver wow exciting ok back to semibreves
  • cornets: trumpet wannabe
  • cymbals: BOOM CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH IM SRO HAPYP CRASH CRAHS
  • xylophones: am i meant to be here?
  • triangles:
  • bass drum: MY TIME TO SHINE FUCK YOU ALL
Accurate Descriptions of Instruments
  • Piccolos: no.
  • Flutes: what you are y'all like some of y'all are really weird and some of you guys are walking goddesses
  • Oboes: duck sounds, and tuning issues. also chill out ur not oboe god
  • Clarinets: SHADY AS HELL????? AT EACHOTHERS THROATS LIKE 24/7
  • Saxophones: You guys are really full of yourselves or emo.
  • Tenor saxophones: Weird. Wierdos.
  • Bari Saxophones: Even weirder than the tenors believe it or not
  • Bassoons: Either lil shits or angels blessed from the high heavens no in between
  • Bass Clarinets: Emo nerds. That's it.
  • Trumpets: The big ego thing is not a lie, you either know it or you are in denial.
  • French Horns: toot toot. hon hon hon baguette.
  • Trombones: A giant cult. Laughs at fart jokes, god complex.
  • Euphoniums: Y'all are fucking weird as hell.
  • Tubas: big toot
  • Percussion: sex jokes and rim shots
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

4

VIRTUOSO BOARD GAME

Virtuoso is a music theory board game. Players compete against each other by successfully answering trivia questions about music history, composition, listening comprehension, and theory. Not for the faint of heart, Virtuoso is a competitive, yet educational game geared for high school and college musicians to expand their knowledge and show off their mad skills.

The Signs as Music Hoe Aesthetics
  • Aries: The slight rumbling you feel on the floor when you sit in front of the percussion
  • Taurus: the sound of the orchestra tuning, and you already feel your heart beating faster from a simple concert A
  • Gemini: The low chatter of anticipation from the audience before the performance
  • Cancer: Music torn at the edges with pencil writings scrawled all over the notes, a testament to somebody's time and passion
  • Leo: The feeling of playing a piece memorized; not just thinking about the notes but letting the music and your fingers work their magic
  • Virgo: The bright reflective lights on the keys of woodwinds and brass in the shining concert lights
  • Capricorn: When a person is so into the music that they start to dance and become a fluid structure, free and unbridled and emotional
  • Sagittarius: The feeling you get when you are in concert black with all of your friends, kind of like being a blurry smoke cloud in the night that moves together, breathes together, and performs together
  • Scorpio: when the string players are so into their music that their bow hairs start to fray and unravel and it's a mess of blurry lines moving like liquid silver
  • Libra: the conductor's arms, especially in staccato/scherzo moments, where movement is light and graceful and just there, showing its presence but not forcing it on
  • Aquarius: The adrenaline rush of playing a solo in a piece and the honor of standing up after it ends, where you have those few seconds just for you and only you
  • Pisces: The last note ringing around the air and the heavy, almost tangible silence which occurs for a microsecond afterwards
The Instruments As Shit My Band Members Pulled On The Disney Trip
  • piccolos: ate a flower off a bush in the line for splash mountain on a dare
  • flutes: pretended little sister was invisible for entire week
  • clarinets: got separated from girlfriend on bus for pda...ten minutes into the trip
  • saxophones: put hands up on space mountain despite warnings and smashed them on a beam
  • trumpets: overslept and had to be picked up at house the morning we left
  • mellophones: pet a pelican on beach and got bitten, continued to attempt to pet random birds the rest of the week
  • trombones: started sobbing hysterically at the end of back to the future
  • baritones: tried to bring a pair of pliers into the parks, got them through animal kingdom but they got taken away at epcot
  • tubas: found a coconut lying on the beach, then smashed it open and ate it
  • pit percussion: brought a logging chain on the bus and pulled it out to slam it on the seats as accompaniment to the songs in movies
  • drum line: reached back to hold girlfriend's hand on splash mountain but grabbed the chaperone's instead...and didn't notice for almost five minutes
  • color guard: left out the emergency door of a mcdonald's which summoned the police and set off the alarm
  • drum majors: climbed up into luggage compartment of bus and crawled down it through everyone's carry on bags

I love when musicians say things like “I am a violin” rather than “I play the violin.” and we do it so casually, too. “you’re a viola. you wouldn’t understand.” “oh, her? she’s an oboe.” it makes me so happy that we call ourselves the instruments we play and that it’s perfectly normal to do so