Instruments renamed
  • Piccolo: scream maker
  • Flute: tooty toot
  • Oboe: quack machine
  • English horn: goose simulator
  • Clarinet: blue
  • Bassoon: rolling marbles
  • Saxophone: sexy quacking
  • French horn: star wars?
  • Trumpet: blemp
  • Trombone: fart machine
  • Tuba: big fart machine
  • Violin: crying children
  • Viola: firewood
  • Cello: delta faucet commercial music
  • Bass: bwah
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

composers and their descriptions

Bach: polyphony is the new black

Haydn: surprise motherfucker

Mozart: some people just never grow up :/

Beethoven: some people just never grOW OUT OF THEIR EMO PHASE

Tchaikovsky: sad, gay, and ready to slay

Brahms: the song Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne was written specifically for him

Liszt: ill play you a piece if you strip on the piano

Rachmaninoff: this footlong handspan is compensating for something else

Wagner: wow i cant believe he stole lord of the rings

Strauss: you stop dancing, you die

Berlioz: *vapes*

Sibelius: nature is here and shes looking more beautiful than ever

Mahler: nature is here and shes PISSED

Shostakovich: fuck stalin, fuck the police, fuck tonality

Respighi: nature is here and shes a man

Messiaen: is there a subtype of furries specifically for birds?

Schoenberg: why limit yourself to just one key?

Ives: why limit yourself to just 12 notes?

Britten: gay? never heard of it

Grainger: nobody will comment on your bdsm roleplay if you write catchy tunes

Gershwin: ooooooooowwWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA

Reich: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Glass: play these 8 measures 37 times then repeat

Cage: *drags piano bench across the stage then walks offstage*

Williams: HOOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNSSSSSSS


feel free to add more

Band instruments as things I've heard them say
  • Piccolo: .... (I don't think I've ever heard them speak. Thinks they're better than everyone and doesn't talk to other band kids)
  • Flute: guess what 'band director' said about 'piccolo'
  • Oboe: *quietly playing a solo, very concentrated*
  • Bassoon: *squeak*
  • Clarinet: we're gonna play those two notes ff instead of p so it sounds like 'DOOT DOOT' wanna help
  • Bass clarinet: I don't think I play here
  • Alto saxophone: I can fit my whole mouthpiece down my throat I'll show you
  • Tenor saxophone: we either play 4 half notes the entire song...or constant 32nd notes....I don't understand
  • Bari saxophone: so do I do sectionals with the trombones, or...?
  • Trombones: *screams into instrument*
  • Tuba: why am I even here
  • French horn: (secluded, doesn't speak much. Very put together. Know what they're doing)
  • Trumpet: *clearly plays wrong note* that wasn't me
  • Percussion: *screaming* RATCHET SUPREMACY
my favorite instrument stereotypes
  • tuba: either too tall or too small, pop culture nerds, enjoy old memes
  • trombone: at once amazingly competent and incompetent. no one else can play their trombone because it is broken in ways only they understand
  • euphonium: the teenaged equivalent of a bitter old man who actually has a heart of gold
  • trumpet: egotistical fucks who care a lot about playing louder than the flutes
  • french horn: the only labrosone above the sin of the brass section. everyone treats them like woodwinds because they essentially are
  • flutes: really want to be first chair, insecure about their musicianship, weep a lot
  • clarinet: like the flutes but better at emotional suppression, wants to make everyone proud
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • oboe: the only one who doesn't think their instrument sounds like a duck, nerds
  • bassoon: rich, pretentious, correct other people's grammar
  • percussion: first i bang the drum then i bang your mom, also anger issues probably
  • <p> <b>every talented musician ever:</b> warm up with low, long tones!<p/><b>me:</b> *stumbles through a 2 octave scale in 5 seconds, sneezes, hits head on a brick wall somewhere"<p/></p>
The Best Solos
  • Piccolo: Tchaikovsky: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 3
  • Flute: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, Aviary
  • Oboe: Stravinsky: Pulcinella Suite, Serenata
  • English Horn: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 8, Mvmt. 1
  • E-Flat Clarinet: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 7, Mvmt. 2
  • B-Flat Clarinet: Offenbach: Overture to Orpheus in the Underworld
  • Bass Clarinet: Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring
  • Bassoon: Rimsky-Korsakov: Scheherezade, Mvmt. 2
  • Contrabassoon: Dukas: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
  • French Horn: R. Strauss: Till Eulenspiegels Lustige Streiche
  • Trumpet: Mahler: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 1
  • Trombone: R. Strauss: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • Tuba: Gershwin: An American in Paris
  • Percussion: Hindemith: Symphonic Metamorphosis, Mvmt. 2
  • Violin: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Viola: Brahms: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 2
  • Cello: Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Double Bass: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, L'Elephant