the members of an orchestra
  • violins I:we're the superstars fuck everyone else its all about us
  • violins II:why do we always get the boring parts
  • flutes:we're so lonely
  • piccolo:lol fk your ears
  • french horns:and im not even french hONHONHON BAGUETTE
  • oboes:IM SORRY I TUNED BEFORE I SWEar
  • violas:evERYONE ALWAYS FKUCING FRORGETS ABOUT US
  • trumpets:wats 'p'
  • trombones:wats quiet
  • cellos:im either boring af or exciting af and there is no in between
  • bassoons:im so posh but i really just honk like a truck
  • clarinet:*squeaks*
  • timpani:EVERYONE LOVES ME BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM
  • bass clarinet:lol where am i
  • tuba:*waits for a wagner piece to do something exciting*
  • harp:im just a more sophisticated piano
  • piano:FUCK YOU HARP I GET CONCERTOS WRITTEN FOR ME SCREW EVERYTHING WHO NEEDS AN ORCHESTRA WHEN YOU CAN PLAY EVERYTHING ON ME IM THE STAR OF EVERYTIHNG
  • english horn:im literally only useful for dvorak's 9th like what am even i doing here
  • basses:semibreves, tied to a semibreve, tied to a minim, tied to a crotchet, oh wait a quaver wow exciting ok back to semibreves
  • cornets:trumpet wannabe
  • cymbals:BOOM CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH IM SRO HAPYP CRASH CRAHS
  • xylophones:am i meant to be here?
  • triangles:
  • bass drum:MY TIME TO SHINE FUCK YOU ALL
Accurate Descriptions of Instruments
  • Piccolos:no.
  • Flutes:what you are y'all like some of y'all are really weird and some of you guys are walking goddesses
  • Oboes:duck sounds, and tuning issues. also chill out ur not oboe god
  • Clarinets:SHADY AS HELL????? AT EACHOTHERS THROATS LIKE 24/7
  • Saxophones:You guys are really full of yourselves or emo.
  • Tenor saxophones:Weird. Wierdos.
  • Bari Saxophones:Even weirder than the tenors believe it or not
  • Bassoons:Either lil shits or angels blessed from the high heavens no in between
  • Bass Clarinets:Emo nerds. That's it.
  • Trumpets:The big ego thing is not a lie, you either know it or you are in denial.
  • French Horns:toot toot. hon hon hon baguette.
  • Trombones:A giant cult. Laughs at fart jokes, god complex.
  • Euphoniums:Y'all are fucking weird as hell.
  • Tubas:big toot
  • Percussion:sex jokes and rim shots
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

4

VIRTUOSO BOARD GAME

Virtuoso is a music theory board game. Players compete against each other by successfully answering trivia questions about music history, composition, listening comprehension, and theory. Not for the faint of heart, Virtuoso is a competitive, yet educational game geared for high school and college musicians to expand their knowledge and show off their mad skills.

The Marching Instruments as Awkward Senior Portraits

piccolo:  the shell-shocked (couldn’t hear the photographer count down over ringing in their ears)

flutes:  the i’m-trying-too-hard

clarinets:  the pikachu

bass clarinets:  the “maybe now you’ll remember i exist, fuckers”

any of the saxophones: the sex god

trumpets:  the “hot shit”

mellophones:  the cat photo

trombones:  the i-forgot-about-senior-portraits-until-the-day-they-were-due-to-the-yearbook-so-i-had-my-friend-take-this-outside-five-minutes-ago

euphoniums/baritones/tubas:  the what-the-fuck

pit percussion:  the my-instrument-is-my-child pose

drum line:  the casually-holding-a -deadly-weapon

color guard:  the dance costume

drum major: the ruler of all things music

The Signs as Music Hoe Aesthetics
  • Aries:The slight rumbling you feel on the floor when you sit in front of the percussion
  • Taurus:the sound of the orchestra tuning, and you already feel your heart beating faster from a simple concert A
  • Gemini:The low chatter of anticipation from the audience before the performance
  • Cancer:Music torn at the edges with pencil writings scrawled all over the notes, a testament to somebody's time and passion
  • Leo:The feeling of playing a piece memorized; not just thinking about the notes but letting the music and your fingers work their magic
  • Virgo:The bright reflective lights on the keys of woodwinds and brass in the shining concert lights
  • Capricorn:When a person is so into the music that they start to dance and become a fluid structure, free and unbridled and emotional
  • Sagittarius:The feeling you get when you are in concert black with all of your friends, kind of like being a blurry smoke cloud in the night that moves together, breathes together, and performs together
  • Scorpio:when the string players are so into their music that their bow hairs start to fray and unravel and it's a mess of blurry lines moving like liquid silver
  • Libra:the conductor's arms, especially in staccato/scherzo moments, where movement is light and graceful and just there, showing its presence but not forcing it on
  • Aquarius:The adrenaline rush of playing a solo in a piece and the honor of standing up after it ends, where you have those few seconds just for you and only you
  • Pisces:The last note ringing around the air and the heavy, almost tangible silence which occurs for a microsecond afterwards
The Instruments As Shit My Band Members Pulled On The Disney Trip
  • piccolos:ate a flower off a bush in the line for splash mountain on a dare
  • flutes:pretended little sister was invisible for entire week
  • clarinets:got separated from girlfriend on bus for pda...ten minutes into the trip
  • saxophones:put hands up on space mountain despite warnings and smashed them on a beam
  • trumpets:overslept and had to be picked up at house the morning we left
  • mellophones:pet a pelican on beach and got bitten, continued to attempt to pet random birds the rest of the week
  • trombones:started sobbing hysterically at the end of back to the future
  • baritones:tried to bring a pair of pliers into the parks, got them through animal kingdom but they got taken away at epcot
  • tubas:found a coconut lying on the beach, then smashed it open and ate it
  • pit percussion:brought a logging chain on the bus and pulled it out to slam it on the seats as accompaniment to the songs in movies
  • drum line:reached back to hold girlfriend's hand on splash mountain but grabbed the chaperone's instead...and didn't notice for almost five minutes
  • color guard:left out the emergency door of a mcdonald's which summoned the police and set off the alarm
  • drum majors:climbed up into luggage compartment of bus and crawled down it through everyone's carry on bags