Instruments renamed
  • Piccolo: scream maker
  • Flute: tooty toot
  • Oboe: quack machine
  • English horn: goose simulator
  • Clarinet: blue
  • Bassoon: rolling marbles
  • Saxophone: sexy quacking
  • French horn: star wars?
  • Trumpet: blemp
  • Trombone: fart machine
  • Tuba: big fart machine
  • Violin: crying children
  • Viola: firewood
  • Cello: delta faucet commercial music
  • Bass: bwah
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

Band instruments as things I've heard them say
  • Piccolo: .... (I don't think I've ever heard them speak. Thinks they're better than everyone and doesn't talk to other band kids)
  • Flute: guess what 'band director' said about 'piccolo'
  • Oboe: *quietly playing a solo, very concentrated*
  • Bassoon: *squeak*
  • Clarinet: we're gonna play those two notes ff instead of p so it sounds like 'DOOT DOOT' wanna help
  • Bass clarinet: I don't think I play here
  • Alto saxophone: I can fit my whole mouthpiece down my throat I'll show you
  • Tenor saxophone: we either play 4 half notes the entire song...or constant 32nd notes....I don't understand
  • Bari saxophone: so do I do sectionals with the trombones, or...?
  • Trombones: *screams into instrument*
  • Tuba: why am I even here
  • French horn: (secluded, doesn't speak much. Very put together. Know what they're doing)
  • Trumpet: *clearly plays wrong note* that wasn't me
  • Percussion: *screaming* RATCHET SUPREMACY
what the instruments do the night before a Big Concert™
  • french horn: the only ones who are well rested and prepared for the concert
  • tuba: runs around screaming
  • euphonium / baritone: looks to see what the tubas are doing, and then Not That
  • flute: gets 12 hours of sleep they don't deserve
  • mellophone: gets ice cream and ignore their problems
  • trumpet: perfecting the solo and outfit well into the night
  • trombone: stays up until 3am for no reason
  • piccolo: night terrors about intonation. 1 hour of sleep at best
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • clarinet: stress out about disappointing their conductor/parents/selves
  • oboe: frantically making reeds
  • bassoon: frantically thinking about making reeds but being too lazy to actually make them
  • percussion: either high at Denny's or running around with the tubas
  • piano: cursing Chopin
The Best Solos
  • Piccolo: Tchaikovsky: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 3
  • Flute: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, Aviary
  • Oboe: Stravinsky: Pulcinella Suite, Serenata
  • English Horn: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 8, Mvmt. 1
  • E-Flat Clarinet: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 7, Mvmt. 2
  • B-Flat Clarinet: Offenbach: Overture to Orpheus in the Underworld
  • Bass Clarinet: Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring
  • Bassoon: Rimsky-Korsakov: Scheherezade, Mvmt. 2
  • Contrabassoon: Dukas: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
  • French Horn: R. Strauss: Till Eulenspiegels Lustige Streiche
  • Trumpet: Mahler: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 1
  • Trombone: R. Strauss: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • Tuba: Gershwin: An American in Paris
  • Percussion: Hindemith: Symphonic Metamorphosis, Mvmt. 2
  • Violin: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Viola: Brahms: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 2
  • Cello: Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Double Bass: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, L'Elephant
how the instruments spend practice room in time
  • tuba: don't even bring their instrument in unless it's to fool their bd. make no mistake, a "practicing" tubist is actually heckling other musicians
  • baritone: doing their best
  • trombone: angry wailing siren noises that everyone in the school can hear punctuated by long silences: the silences are them battling the woodwinds
  • french horn: sitting alone in a practice room they have cordoned off with a Les Mis style chair barricade. they are Determined to practice
  • trumpet: every trumpet player is in the same practice room. they mean well but practicing is fruitless
  • clarinet: practicing fingerings or fighting the trombones
  • saxophone: likely seducing a clarinet player with awesome jazz
  • flute: the upperclassmen are trying. the middle schoolers are asking how to finger every other note
  • oboe: floating between the practice rooms, cross pollinating gossip like bees
  • bassoon: ?????????? no one knows, not even themselves
  • percussion: the reason no one else can hear themselves play