No one tells you that it’s a possibility.
No one tells you that it will make an impact on your life.
No one tells you that it’s an excruciating pain.
No one tells you that you will feel like your heart has been ripped out.
No one tells you that you’ll feel empty.
No one tells you that you’ll resent your spouse.
No one tells you that it will eat you alive.
No one tells you that you’ll spend nights blaming yourself.
No one tells you that your eyes will produce never ending tears.
No one tells you that the days will go slow.
No one tells you that you’ll cry whenever and wherever.
No one tells you that you’ll lose your faith.
No one tells you that your mind will be consumed.
No one tells you that seeing one child can ruin your day.
No one tells you that eventually everyone will go on with their life except you.
No one tells you that it will hit you when you least expect it.
No one tells you that you will lose your motivation.
No one tells you how hard it is to try again.
No one tells you that you’ll become jealous of those who have what you don’t.
No one tells you that it’s okay to cry.
No one tells you to take your time.
No one tells you that it’s okay to not want to get out of bed some days.
No one tells you how long you’ll be stuck.
No one tells you that you will never be the same.
No one tells you how traumatizing it is.
No one tells you that in the back of your mind, you’ll ask ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’.
No one tells you that it’s a long journey to recovery.
No one tells you that losing a child will be so hard.
I just want to be pregnant. That’s all. I want to go through hard labor and end up with a beautiful bundle of joy. I want to be kept up all night by a crying baby who will only be consoled by my touch. I want to watch them grow, learn and become their own person.
“I don’t know why youre rushing”
“Are you sure you want this”
“When the timing is right”
“Babies are cute, but they’re work”
I hear this every day. If you’ve never struggled to conceive, you don’t understand the utter emptiness you feel.
Watching people get knocked up, go through pregnancy, and have babies on Facebook has to be one of the most painful things. They weren’t trying to have a baby. It seems like nobody ever is, yet here they are. Pregnant and oh so happy. It’s so hard to be happy for those people…. Sigh.
I’ve had my first week back at work.
It’s been amazing. I’ve settled in really well and people are really engaging with me which is unexpected as I was prepared for worst case scenario and suspicions of my input and role (because my objectives are to make changes).
Arthur’s loved Nursery and is really settled - he goes for three days a week.
I worked today until 1pm and decided I had had enough and would head home. I started driving and decided to see if I could get a hair appointment, which I did and got it dyed and blow dried and felt rather glamorous. It’s been ages since I’ve done that and I enjoyed spoiling myself.
I’m managing home life with working, husband is sharing the load more with the house stuff. He’s working so many hours, but we’re making it work.
He has his PESA operation tomorrow. This is us moving forward with our IVF journey. He has several needles in each testes to aspirate the sperm, which if it works, they will freeze and then I will start on my treatment to make my hyperovulate and then within a few months we will be ready to implant and fingers crossed it results in a pregnancy!
Exciting times. I’m slightly anxious as there is a risk the PESA won’t work and they won’t get the sperm they need. If that’s the case they will have to do a biopsy under general anaesthetic.
I also have my cancer clinic appointment tomorrow. I wrote a few posts back about some skin changes in my mouth that the dentist spotted and was concerned about. He has referred me to the cancer clinic and they are going to biopsy according my dentist.
I have to go to the appointment on my own because of husband’s op, but I can manage that as I shouldn’t get any results or more information tomorrow.
Not being pregnant sucks.
Not having a baby sucks.
Being up at 2:40 AM just because you can’t sleep and not because you’re up feeding a newborn sucks.
I just want a baby.
I want to be a mother and I want to make to make my SO a father.
Is that to much to ask for?
I’ve had abdominal pain for a few days it hasn’t gone away im this is not normal or good
Accompanied by gassy burping weather I eat or not it doesn’t go away
I feel overall horrible and if I eat it’s makes it worse
Also it’s worrisome bc 3.5yrs ago I had gastric bypass surgery and I’m thinking what if something is wrong…
My mom is taking me to the doctors on Monday bc I can’t keep on like this
I peed in a cup and william did the test I think it’s negative (honestly has zero affect in me bc it’s early plus he bought a shit test) I think I’m. More pissed at the loss of $12 on a Shitty test
Also have. I idea if it holds any meaning or just wishful thinking but I dreamt last night that I took the test and it was positive