CD 5, BFN & What’s Next?

I’ve posted this quote before but it’s a favorite, so…

Well ladies, here’s the scoop. AF lasted a oddly short 2.5 days. Midday on 7/4/15 I just quit bleeding all together so I just assumed a very short period. I got to work on 7/5/15 at about 7 pm and had some very light brown spotting and didn’t think anything of it (although this hasn’t happened before). A couple of hours passed and when I peed again there was light pink spotting. I thought this was odd because it’s never happened this way. But whatever, must have been a weird side effect. I knew I had to call my ObGyno today anyway and I planned on testing, just to be safe. 

Tested and BFN, of course. I think I’m at the point where I don’t believe there are two lines that show on those stupid HPTs. 

After trying to get ahold of my doctor for an hour, a nurse finally returns my call. And then stops me before I even start talking to say she’ll have to call me back. Yeah, super annoying but she did and I told her that my doc and I had planned on me being referred to the Tulsa Fertility Center. Well my pap is due anyway so she insisted I schedule that and a consult and that my doc and I could discuss everything then. I agreed BUT the soonest I could get in to see my Gyno is freaking August 10th. WHAT?! She said she’d put me on a waiting list to call if there are any cancellations. Great. What’s most frustrating is that I will be in Tulsa the first week of August already and was hoping to kill two birds with one stone…but, as usual, my freaking infertile life has other plans. 

I went ahead and emailed my information to the Fertility Center, in hopes they won’t care about a referral. My insurance doesn’t cover Infertility costs, or I should say Infertility Treatment at all. So things will get way more expensive from here on out. Not to mention the driving to and from. 

Looks like we’re going to be trying it the old fashion way for a couple cycles. 

Thanks everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, I’ll definitely keep ya’ll updated. xoxo

Since we barely tried this cycle I’m not expecting any chance of pregnancy but I have noticed some new and interesting things happening already..

Symptoms up to now:
3 DPO: Super bloated
4 DPO: Sensitive nips & breast tenderness & Increased CM
5 DPO: Increased CM
6 DPO: CM back to normal…tmi but constipated…weird
7 DPO: Increased CM again otherwise nothing!

I’ve already made my cycle update pictures again for next cycle and they are saved as drafts and ready to go! I’m going to be doing a lot more updates next cycle mostly for my own reference and so if it doesn’t work I can tell my RE exactly how each phase of the cycle went. I’m not optimistic about this cycle at all and if I’m pregnant it will seriously shock me! Approximately 7-9 days until cycle #5 post EP aka first cycle of Clomid!

I’m still going to test on 9 DPO because I’m crazy and because I can. And then probably every day after that :p 

Just got out of my OBGYN appt, I saw the same woman I saw last time (who I just love) she thinks I’m not ovulating, which is what we talked about last time. Possibly due to being overweight..she discussed options with me and thinks I would benefit from taking Metformin to start with, so she started me on 500mg once a day for a week then titrate up from there. I’m going to follow up with her in 4 weeks and discuss options then. If I don’t have a period by then, she is suggesting I get a progesterone “cleanse” (I think that’s what she called it), basically to force a period to start a new cycle and start clomid then. If I do have a period by our next appointment, then we will discuss starting clomid as well.

She also suggested I start taking a probiotic to help regulate my digestive system and Chromium(?). She said this can help regulate metabolism and insulin resistance, etc. So I’ll be picking those up today.

So the plan from here is to try Metformin, along with a probiotic and Chromium for a month, see if it helps regulate anything and see if it helps with the weight loss and metabolism, focus on healthier lifestyle choices, and follow up in a month and discuss need for clomid then.

I feel good about this plan. My husband came with me to this appointment and we both feel at ease for now. :)

Living with infertility.

When you go to Target, and you see all those cute baby outfits and the furniture? You redirect your attention to kitchen decor.

You walk down an aisle, and there’s a dad playing with his two daughters while mom shops. You imagine your husband doing that before you redirect your attention to accent rugs.

Next, you’re confronted with six pregnant women as you walk across the store for cheese and candy because fuck healthy eating, it hasn’t helped you so far. You imagine what that must feel like, having a life growing within you. You shut those thoughts down because it hurts so goddamn much.

As you’re walking to the register, you encountered three sets of twins and you wonder if that will be you because you have to do fertility treatments for any hope. But then you remember, those haven’t worked for you, either.

Finally, FINALLY, you make it to the register…and the cashier and lady in front of you know each other. Oh, look at that, they’re talking about how the lady can’t get pregnant again. “It’ll happen when it will!” Oh. Now let’s talk about how amazing it felt in the delivery room after you each held your children. Really? Is this SERIOUSLY happening to me? Yes. Yes, it’s real. So at this point, you’re trying so hard not to cry because hello, crazy. You will the cashier to shove everything in the bags so you can sit in your car and just curse fate for being so fucking cruel.

That isn’t even a day with infertility. That’s an hour. Constant redirecting of thoughts, ignoring anything baby around you, just trying so hard to forget the one things that is unforgettable.

Dealing with infertility is mentally exhausting.

Dealing with the questions about children.

Listening to every conversation turning to children and pregnancy.

Battling with your own mind: do we really want children or are we just conditioned to want them?

Covering up the random urge to breakdown after weeks and weeks with no tears.

I’m just so tired of it.