No one tells you

No one tells you that it’s a possibility.
No one tells you that it will make an impact on your life.
No one tells you that it’s an excruciating pain.
No one tells you that you will feel like your heart has been ripped out.
No one tells you that you’ll feel empty.
No one tells you that you’ll resent your spouse.
No one tells you that it will eat you alive.
No one tells you that you’ll spend nights blaming yourself.
No one tells you that your eyes will produce never ending tears.
No one tells you that the days will go slow.
No one tells you that you’ll cry whenever and wherever.
No one tells you that you’ll lose your faith.
No one tells you that your mind will be consumed.
No one tells you that seeing one child can ruin your day.
No one tells you that eventually everyone will go on with their life except you.
No one tells you that it will hit you when you least expect it.
No one tells you that you will lose your motivation.
No one tells you how hard it is to try again.
No one tells you that you’ll become jealous of those who have what you don’t.
No one tells you that it’s okay to cry.
No one tells you to take your time.
No one tells you that it’s okay to not want to get out of bed some days.
No one tells you how long you’ll be stuck.
No one tells you that you will never be the same.
No one tells you how traumatizing it is.
No one tells you that in the back of your mind, you’ll ask ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’.
No one tells you that it’s a long journey to recovery.

No one tells you that losing a child will be so hard.

They just don’t.

I just want to be pregnant. That’s all. I want to go through hard labor and end up with a beautiful bundle of joy. I want to be kept up all night by a crying baby who will only be consoled by my touch. I want to watch them grow, learn and become their own person.

“I don’t know why youre rushing”
“Are you sure you want this”
“When the timing is right”
“Babies are cute, but they’re work”

I hear this every day. If you’ve never struggled to conceive, you don’t understand the utter emptiness you feel.

I don’t think anyone will understand the pain or struggle that comes with couples who are trying to conceive, unless you’re another couple who are TTC.

No matter what you say there’s gonna be that asshole who tries to tell you to, “calm down, it’ll happen.” Or “stop thinking about it and it’ll happen.” Or “do you really want children right now?”

Like do you want to be punched in the damn throat? Cause it can be arranged.

Just because yours wasn’t planned & you weren’t ready, doesn’t mean I’m not ready. I don’t care no matter what you tell me will not want what I want any less.

I highly dislike hearing some shit people come off with. Like move along. I’m the wrong person to say that to.

Working mother

I’ve had my first week back at work.
It’s been amazing. I’ve settled in really well and people are really engaging with me which is unexpected as I was prepared for worst case scenario and suspicions of my input and role (because my objectives are to make changes).
Arthur’s loved Nursery and is really settled - he goes for three days a week.
I worked today until 1pm and decided I had had enough and would head home. I started driving and decided to see if I could get a hair appointment, which I did and got it dyed and blow dried and felt rather glamorous. It’s been ages since I’ve done that and I enjoyed spoiling myself.
I’m managing home life with working, husband is sharing the load more with the house stuff. He’s working so many hours, but we’re making it work.
He has his PESA operation tomorrow. This is us moving forward with our IVF journey. He has several needles in each testes to aspirate the sperm, which if it works, they will freeze and then I will start on my treatment to make my hyperovulate and then within a few months we will be ready to implant and fingers crossed it results in a pregnancy!
Exciting times. I’m slightly anxious as there is a risk the PESA won’t work and they won’t get the sperm they need. If that’s the case they will have to do a biopsy under general anaesthetic.
I also have my cancer clinic appointment tomorrow. I wrote a few posts back about some skin changes in my mouth that the dentist spotted and was concerned about. He has referred me to the cancer clinic and they are going to biopsy according my dentist.
I have to go to the appointment on my own because of husband’s op, but I can manage that as I shouldn’t get any results or more information tomorrow.
Fingers crossed.

It's been a while. I'm sorry!

Lately I’ve been busy with so much. Planning a holiday and Malcolm changing jobs and just everything that comes with life in general.

This month was suppose to be just a calm month and so far it’s been far from it. Birthdays, job change, big decisions, holiday plans and so much more.

Lately I’ve been thinking about our journey so far in the ttc community. I haven’t really discussed much but that’s because there hasn’t really been much to say or I’m not sure what to say. So if you do have any questions then feel free to ask.

Weight loss has been doing well. I get weighed tomorrow and I’ve more than likely put on. I haven’t really stuck to plan and have just had an off week. It started with my dads birthday and we went for a meal and my dad said that we should do the steak challenge. I completed it. :) although I haven’t stuck to plan. I’m happy no matter what happens at weigh in tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed my week and I’m ready to get back on plan. Other than the steak challenge and a few extra ice creams and treats i haven’t really made hugely horrible choices so maybe I will be okay tomorrow. I’m ready to see what happens and just take it from there. I’ve lost 1st'7 1/2lbs in 11 week so I’m proud of that and if I gain then it will be my first time and I know I can lose it again. Plus the steak was so worth it. If any of you are in a weight loss journey then please remember it’s a marathon not a sprint. You got this and if you need some support I’m always here.

Now I just need to get my bum in gear and start planning again for next week. I got this.

Feel free to message me any questions.

2:40 AM

Not being pregnant sucks.
Not having a baby sucks.
Being up at 2:40 AM just because you can’t sleep and not because you’re up feeding a newborn sucks.
I just want a baby.
I want to be a mother and I want to make to make my SO a father.
Is that to much to ask for?