ttc-over-20

No one tells you

No one tells you that it’s a possibility.
No one tells you that it will make an impact on your life.
No one tells you that it’s an excruciating pain.
No one tells you that you will feel like your heart has been ripped out.
No one tells you that you’ll feel empty.
No one tells you that you’ll resent your spouse.
No one tells you that it will eat you alive.
No one tells you that you’ll spend nights blaming yourself.
No one tells you that your eyes will produce never ending tears.
No one tells you that the days will go slow.
No one tells you that you’ll cry whenever and wherever.
No one tells you that you’ll lose your faith.
No one tells you that your mind will be consumed.
No one tells you that seeing one child can ruin your day.
No one tells you that eventually everyone will go on with their life except you.
No one tells you that it will hit you when you least expect it.
No one tells you that you will lose your motivation.
No one tells you how hard it is to try again.
No one tells you that you’ll become jealous of those who have what you don’t.
No one tells you that it’s okay to cry.
No one tells you to take your time.
No one tells you that it’s okay to not want to get out of bed some days.
No one tells you how long you’ll be stuck.
No one tells you that you will never be the same.
No one tells you how traumatizing it is.
No one tells you that in the back of your mind, you’ll ask ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’.
No one tells you that it’s a long journey to recovery.

No one tells you that losing a child will be so hard.

They just don’t.

I just want to be pregnant. That’s all. I want to go through hard labor and end up with a beautiful bundle of joy. I want to be kept up all night by a crying baby who will only be consoled by my touch. I want to watch them grow, learn and become their own person.

“I don’t know why youre rushing”
“Are you sure you want this”
“When the timing is right”
“Babies are cute, but they’re work”

I hear this every day. If you’ve never struggled to conceive, you don’t understand the utter emptiness you feel.

CD 29 no af

The shitty test my husband bought had 3 test so I took one bc no af bfn but not looking into it

Symptoms less emotional but more needy/clingy

Tender /heavy breast

High body temperature like my skin feels hot but I haven’t really taken my temp

I had acne this week weird for me 2 huge zits I normally have good skin

And of course still super bloated/ like full but it’s air I keep burping and occasionally fart

Not much if an appetite but I’m also totally scared to eat bc if bloat and pain

I’m eating jello pudding and icecream only thing that’s ok

Going to doctors office today for b12 shot and if he is in today I’ll seee him about this bloaty ness bc I did have gastric bypass 3yrs ago and I just pray I’m ok bc this ain’t normal

Would appreciate any and all good vibes and prayers thanks 🙏🏻

I don’t think anyone will understand the pain or struggle that comes with couples who are trying to conceive, unless you’re another couple who are TTC.

No matter what you say there’s gonna be that asshole who tries to tell you to, “calm down, it’ll happen.” Or “stop thinking about it and it’ll happen.” Or “do you really want children right now?”

Like do you want to be punched in the damn throat? Cause it can be arranged.

Just because yours wasn’t planned & you weren’t ready, doesn’t mean I’m not ready. I don’t care no matter what you tell me will not want what I want any less.

I highly dislike hearing some shit people come off with. Like move along. I’m the wrong person to say that to.

Working mother

I’ve had my first week back at work.
It’s been amazing. I’ve settled in really well and people are really engaging with me which is unexpected as I was prepared for worst case scenario and suspicions of my input and role (because my objectives are to make changes).
Arthur’s loved Nursery and is really settled - he goes for three days a week.
I worked today until 1pm and decided I had had enough and would head home. I started driving and decided to see if I could get a hair appointment, which I did and got it dyed and blow dried and felt rather glamorous. It’s been ages since I’ve done that and I enjoyed spoiling myself.
I’m managing home life with working, husband is sharing the load more with the house stuff. He’s working so many hours, but we’re making it work.
He has his PESA operation tomorrow. This is us moving forward with our IVF journey. He has several needles in each testes to aspirate the sperm, which if it works, they will freeze and then I will start on my treatment to make my hyperovulate and then within a few months we will be ready to implant and fingers crossed it results in a pregnancy!
Exciting times. I’m slightly anxious as there is a risk the PESA won’t work and they won’t get the sperm they need. If that’s the case they will have to do a biopsy under general anaesthetic.
I also have my cancer clinic appointment tomorrow. I wrote a few posts back about some skin changes in my mouth that the dentist spotted and was concerned about. He has referred me to the cancer clinic and they are going to biopsy according my dentist.
I have to go to the appointment on my own because of husband’s op, but I can manage that as I shouldn’t get any results or more information tomorrow.
Fingers crossed.

2:40 AM

Not being pregnant sucks.
Not having a baby sucks.
Being up at 2:40 AM just because you can’t sleep and not because you’re up feeding a newborn sucks.
I just want a baby.
I want to be a mother and I want to make to make my SO a father.
Is that to much to ask for?

Update

I’ve had abdominal pain for a few days it hasn’t gone away im this is not normal or good
Accompanied by gassy burping weather I eat or not it doesn’t go away
I feel overall horrible and if I eat it’s makes it worse

Also it’s worrisome bc 3.5yrs ago I had gastric bypass surgery and I’m thinking what if something is wrong…

My mom is taking me to the doctors on Monday bc I can’t keep on like this

I peed in a cup and william did the test I think it’s negative (honestly has zero affect in me bc it’s early plus he bought a shit test) I think I’m. More pissed at the loss of $12 on a Shitty test

Also have. I idea if it holds any meaning or just wishful thinking but I dreamt last night that I took the test and it was positive