I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
I needed a serious motivation boost, which I managed to find in the comforting photos of hot young men on my wall. The quotes may be there to look like I’m not a total creep. Poetry is fun. T. S. Eliot for lyfe.
and I am sitting at my desk surrounded by many new things.
the Critique of the Perfect Figures in Childhood after childhood has passed.
Judgment of one’s Youth.
Statements of Selfish beings.
disorganization as a catalyst for great ideas. (forcing oneself to run into unexpected items/ideas since there is little room to walk; one must Navigate, traverse, construct a path, pay attention).
First, there is a large television, just next to my glass of brandy, and turned off because it has begun to seriously distract me. I do not have cable, so it isn’t the content on the screen, it’s the incessant glow and feeling of death spraying on me. I have three different glasses alarmingly close to my computer. I’m drinking tea, water and some old brandy, listening through electronic music from the 70s.
Perpetual confrontation with this battle of writing, and today was severe, actual, work and no play, but at the cafe, with potential for more, but i played it as Hemingway used to - stop when you’ve got more to go so you’ll have a place to start tomorrow.
i become more acutely aware of myself each day, in these awkward social positions in which i have no feeling or sympathy where one ordinarily might, or should. I spoke recently with Taymoor about this and I had almost exactly the same words as Ben on the matter. A monster is peaking around the corner…
And certainly there must be a great deal of this which is Selfish. There must be time to do the things we want to do, and indeed there will be a time, and indeed there will be a time… As we fall in and out of balance, so the next time we stand on our own feet we will tower above the others. Miscount your steps, but continue to push forward with some tenacity, some vigorous push towards the episodes of your youth. Pastel memories of adventures and dirt underneath your fingernails. Now I’m talking to myself, and telling myself something, trying to get to the heart of it, but really it’s just You You You, which does nobody any good, since i am telling YOU, as a reader, about something you know nothing about, and placing you in the position of feeling as though you do, or should. some strange writing tactic one falls into on occasion. i wish to escape all of this, even the words to some extent. This happened earlier on the piano, when the words became crusty, like unscrewing an old bottle of wine from the cellar with your half eaten dinner fork.
It occurred to me today that content is….The more interesting aspect to the world is the movement of the body from one space to another, and how bodies are categorized, understood, used, seen, heard, touched. Do we return to our bodies with Yoga and exercise, massages, gyms, greater desires for other bodies? How much do we inhabit our own bodies and to what extent do they escape us, getting lost in the Shuffle, just like we lose our own minds over coffee in the morning as we read the paper, or a blog, or sit for hours at a desk and mindlessly observe flashing changes on screens and call it work and get paid for it.
Aside from a few long walks today there was a bike ride through the park to pick up Giovanni’s Room. I like the idea of tearing through the city, and also traveling by different means - a walk to the cafe in the morning, jogging back to the apartment to grab my bike, zip over to haight street, then back, then hop a cab to valencia, and walk back through puddles of the inky night, sucking down cold air like i remember with cigarettes. and why i quit? absolutely something to be missed in the solitude of a smoke by the window with billie or sinatra on a cloudy evening. but having quit and started so many times, it doesn’t really seem worth it to start again. i’m tired of quitting and i’m tired of starting again.
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu
Mein Irisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?
“You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
“They called me the hyacinth girl.”
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Oed’ und leer das Meer.
“Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To roll it towards some overwhelming question.
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all. I shall tell you all”“
- T.S. Elliot (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)
When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?
Are you tense when you sense there’s a storm in the air?
Can you find your way blind when you’re lost in the street?
Do you know how to go to the heaviside layer?
Because jellicles can and jellicles do #cats #makeup #catsthemusical #tselliot #jelliclesongsforjelliclecats #broadway