trying to get over my fear of text

A Shy Girls Guide to PUBLIC SPEAKING!!

I am an introvert. I tend to stay away from hanging out with my friends, going to parties and participating in class. On top of that I am EXTREMELY shy and I will not talk to anyone that doesn’t talk to me first. Public speaking as always been one of my weaknesses in my 19 years in life. I HATE talking in public or talking in general. This might sound very sad but I would rather text or email rather than talk in person or on the phone. But I have been trying to over come my fear of public speaking (if it will over come at all) by trying out new things like getting a job as a cashier and such. But here is the Shy Girls Guide to Public speaking. 


I know how you feel. Your teacher announces, “We are going to have presentations”, you freak out but try not to be, don’t even think that you have a fear of public speaking. Instead think of how you are going to present your topic confidently. Write down ideas on a sheet of paper and pick one that you are most confident on presenting to your class. Write detailed notes on your topic before you start making an outline. Make sure to include questions that student’s might ask you, answer them. 

So you have made some detailed notes. Now it is time to make an outline of what you want to say to your class. Pick out a few sub-topics for your topics and for each sub-topics, say a detail or two. Try to include the questions you thought about earlier in the details. If your professor allows you to write on index cards, write what you are going to say on them. DO NOT READ OFF THE CARDS! 

PRACTICE YOUR ASS OFF. Make sure you feel very confident. Try to memorize what you will say to your class. Practice in front of a mirror or record your self. Speak in a loud confident voice, loud enough you hear your own echo. Once you gotten all the memorization down, now it is time for body language. Don’t stand in one place, move around the front of the class room, walking slowly one side to another. Move your arms, use expressions in your face. Try to look at the eyes of the students, if you don’t wanna use eye contact, look at their forehead (that helps out a lot for me). 


Okay it is the day of the presentation, don’t be nervous, you practiced all week now it is time to show off your skillz. I know how it feels when the teacher calls out your name for your turn. Take a long deep breath, everything will be fine. Professors tend to be lenient towards the quiet ones so it is okay. 

Introduce yourself to the class and introduce the main topic. Don’t forget to talk LOUD! Be confident in your presentation because you worked hard, and you want that grade. The teacher will know if you worked very hard on a presentation, trust me. Most of the time the students aren’t even listening to your presentation, so make eye contact to the people that seem intrigued in your work. Occasionally give your teacher eye contact, I know it might be a bit scary but its just for a second. 

If you mess up, don’t get all panicky. Just correct yourself and keep going. Talk slowly or in a normal pace. Some kids try to talk super fast when they are nervous. 


Now you are done with the presentation, they clap, you go to your seat. Be proud of yourself that you’ve done the presentaion. It is the best feeling in the world. I find it impossible for you to get an F on something you worked so hard for, so don’t think you will fail. You can do it   

Help (Harry)

Requested?: Yes, Thank You
Warnings?: Smut
Pairing: Harry and Reader



I recently received a text from my boyfriend, Harry, saying that he has broken his wrist. I’m not surprised that he did, if I’m being honest. I mean the kid jumps off his roof for fun.

That is precisely how he broke it. He was filming a video, where he was jumping off his roof into cardboard boxes. If you ask me, that has broken bones written all over it. Harry doesn’t care though, its like he has no fear. I tell him all the time that he is going to get hurt, or possibly kill himself, but he wont listen.

This entire week, I have been back home in America, to visit family. Also to finish closing out the sell on my old place, since I’m now going to be living with Harry in London.

The entire time I’m gone, all I’ve gotten are these needy texts from him. I try to ignore them, knowing that he’s just trying to get me all bothered so I will come home sooner, but it will not work. No matter how needy and risqué the texts get.

Finally though, the plane I am in, touches down in London, England.

Picking my bag up from baggage claim, I set out to find my boyfriend. Who had better not forgot about me again, like he did last time.

Just as I start to think that he has forgotten, I see him coming towards me. A blue cast on his arm, causing me to stifle a laugh.

“Oh, don’t laugh at me.” He says, finally making it over to me

“Hard not to. Especially when you’ve got a cast from doing something I told you would put you in one.”

“Shut up and come here.” He says, pulling me into a hug

I smile and hug him back, taking in his scent. Something that I grew to love and miss over the last week.

“Let’s get you home. I’m sure that you’re tired from your flight.” He says, grabbing my hand with his good one.

I offered to drive, that way he’s not driving with only one.

The entire way home, Harry had been very touchy. Keeping his hand on my thigh, moving it up and down. Pulling my hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of it, before placing his back on my thigh.

Finally we arrive at the flat, that we now share together, along with the two Cal’s. I take notice that they are not here, leaving just Harry and myself.

“Babe.” Harry says, wrapping his arms around my waist “You never answered any of my texts that I sent you.”

“I answered them.” I say, unwrapping his arms and then walking into the bedroom.

“Not all of them.” He says following me “Not the ones I really wanted you too.”

“Harry,” I say, turning to face him “Half the time I couldn’t answer those. I was with family.”

“But I really needed you Y/N. Since I broke my wrist I could barely do anything.”

“That’s not my fault.” I say, pulling out a fresh set of clothing “I keep telling you not to jump off your roof. That something is going to happen to you one day.”

“I know, but I couldn’t even wank, while you were gone.” He whines

“Again, not my fault.” I say, heading for the en suite. “I’m going to take a shower. No you’re not joining me. I’ll be out shortly.”

He whines, like a little kid when I tell him that he cant join me. Going over to his desk chair, he sits down and slouches in it, almost like he’s pouting.

“Maybe once I’m out. I can help you out a little.” I say, winking at him, before stepping into the bathroom.

Stepping out of the shower, I definitely felt more relaxed. I’ve always hated long flights.

Now its time to go see, if my boyfriend still wants some help.

I walk out of the bathroom, and look around, expecting Harry to still be in the room.

“Harry?” I call out, when I see he’s not in the room

I get no response. Instead I am pushed up against the wall, with a pair of lips against mine.

“Y/N, please help me.” He whispers, almost whining

“Okay, I will. But only because you are being so needy.”

I then take his hand and lead him over to the bed. Pushing him down on the bed, I crawl on top of him. Connecting our lips again. This time in a more needy and passionate way.

Slowly I make my way down. Pulling his shirt off and discarding it somewhere on the floor. I plant small kisses from his collarbones all the way down to the top of his sweatpants he has on.

I look up at him, only to see his eyes are locked on me, watching my every move.

I pull down his sweatpants, along with his boxers, revealing his hardened member. I hear him let out a soft hiss, as the cold air touches him. I can almost hear the need in his breathing. You can tell its been almost a week, since he’s had any pleasure.

I then gently take him into my hands, moving them at a slow pace.

“Y/N, please.” He stutters out. “Please no teasing.”

I look up at him and nod. Now wrapping my lips around just the tip, circling it with my tongue. This causes him to let out a quite erotic moan. Which only spurs me on.

“S-Stop.” HE stutters out, after a while, using his one good hand, to pull me away

I remove myself from him, making a small pop in the process

“Did I do something wrong?” I ask, sitting up

He shakes his head “No, but you know the drill. I will not cum before you.”

“But Harry. There’s no way you can hold yourself up.”

“That’s why you are going to be on top this time.”

My eyes widen. That is something that we have never done before. Mostly because he is my first, so I didn’t know what I was doing.

“Harry, I don’t…” I trail off

“You’ll be fine. I’ll help you the best I can.”

I slowly take off all my clothing, as he grabs a condom, from the bedside table. I take it from him and roll it onto him, seeing he was having trouble.

I then position myself overtop of him. I place on hand on his chest, for support. Using the other one to guide him into me, as I slowly sink down. We both let out a loud moan at this feeling. It being something completely new, but it felt amazing.

Soon I found a steady pace, with the help from Harry and his one good hand. He’s trying to keep himself from jerking his hips upwards too hard, making sure that I am fine.

The both of us are now letting out breathy moans as we are both close to our release. I start to chant out his name, as his uses his good hand to rub figure eights on my clit.

Once both of us have reached our climax. I climb off of him, cuddling next to him on the bed.

“Please do not ever go away for that long again. Especially when I cant do anything for myself.” He says, wrapping his arms around me.

“I promise.” I say, closing my eyes.

Soon the both of us are asleep. Happy to be back in each other’s arms. Well that and from being tired from the night’s activities.


part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are equally responsible for the hijinks found in this post.

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

  • point-of-exile, CO
  • modern day, 20[fuck]
  • bill donovan is the principal of the only high school around for miles
    • he’s a dick
    • like a full on dick 
  • seniors: june, helen, anthony, sally
  • juniors: penny, esther, quentin, jack, bridget 
  • important relationships/friendships: june/helen, helen/anthony, june/quentin, esther/bridget, jack/penny, sally & anthony, esther & jack, sally & esther
  • june and helen are dating each other as well as their boyfriends, they and quentin and anthony have a poly arrangement that they’re all really happy with 
  • also, sally and anthony are really Not dating, but also they’re not exactly Not Dating, either. mostly, they’re best friends. 
  • everyone at school is slightly bemused by the gang because so many of them are dating each other (in both assorted pairs AND poly chains) and those that aren’t are often so close that it’s hard to tell anyway
  • theatre kids: why the fuck is the science department queerer than we are
  • height order from shortest to tallest: esther, sally, jack, bridget, penny, quentin, helen, anthony, june
  • sally skipped a grade and is the same age as the juniors
  • esther and bridget are out to everyone in the science kid gang and esther’s sort of out at school 
  • sally’s completely out to the gang and most of school by senior year. she’s ace as hell and definitely some kind of aromantic
  • sally had a really awkward coming out that probably involved terrible puns
  • june and quentin are both bi and out (june is out to everyone except her parents) 
  • quentin is a demiguy and mostly goes by he/him but sometimes uses they and ze
  • jack is trans
  • helen is trans (and loosely bi, if she had to pick a label for that aspect of her identity)
  • anthony’s pan 
  • penny is demiromantic and demisexual 
  • helen and june are the mom and dad friends
  • bridget actually calls them mom and dad 
  • the three of them go get sandwiches at the coffee shop where penny works
  • and the four of them have a “our dates are nerds and we’re suffering” bond
  • they call themselves “the girlfriend gang”
  • everyone agrees the following is true:
    • helen: god 
    • june: the devil
    • bridget: an angel
    • penny: a demigod
  • helen for student body president 
  • anthony works part time at the post office. he gets very bored. sometimes the gang goes to bother him and he makes faces at them through the slots when they open the mailboxes
  • june works in retail, even though her parents are kind of rich. they wanted her to get the life experience. if you’ve ever worked retail you understand why she’s always angry
  • bridget volunteers at the library
    • she’s friends with all of the old lady librarians
    • they give her advice when she wants to plan cute dates with esther
    • and they all share book recommendations
    • and geek out while they shelve  
  • sally works at the ice cream shop
    • always gets in trouble for trying to identify the flavor formulas
    • gives everyone discounts
    • most likely to get in trouble for her hair being uncontainable

lots more under the readmore!

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Overprotective El Diablo x Reader

A/n: sorry for not posting this sooner , with school in hardly had any time to write . And i used Google translate for the very last part so sorry if it’s not correct

Warning : guns , angry J

Pairing : (El Diablo ) Chato Santana x Reader

Plot : the reader is Jokers sister and she’s dating El Diablo.


Have you ever wanted an overprotective psychotic big brother? 

Well then your in luck. 

Joker was never seen as a time to be a bid brother none the less to be a caring and overprotective big brother.  Yes you heard me . You are the only family he has left and you accept him fully,  even if he is a psycho. 

To everyone’s surprise you , his little baby sister,  were the only person who he actually,  genuinely cared for . You could get away with so many things others would be dead for .

But this time you were dead for sure .

You have been dating Chato Santana aka El Diablo for almost 6 months now and you still didn’t have the guts to tell him that you are Jokers little sister , nor did J knew about Chato . He would kill him on the spot for even touching you .

Oh so how did Joker found out ?

Note to self : KILL HARLEY LATER .

Yeah she walked in on you and Chato having a hot (literally) make out sessions. So of course she ran to tell J .

“Shit . Fuck . God damn it.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? !” you kept swearing while pacing around the room around , Chato , seems not bothered at all at the fact that the most dangerous man was on his way to kill him . How do you know . J sent you a text : i will kill both of you in all the ways in know you fear .

Now you knew you were fucked up. 

“Mi amor just calm down,  what’s the worst he can do?  ” he said looking at you slightly worried.  You never usually get so worked up over things .

“Chato.  Sweetheart.  This is my psychotic brother we’re talking about.  He will literally skin us and make a rug out of us ” you saw in a serious tone while trying to keep calm . Inside you were about to : a) burst into  tears b) melt in to your carpet c) explode all together . Probably the last one .

“Amor …” Chato started before you two heard a loud knock on your front door.  Your heart dropped to your stomach.  He was here .


That was the last thing you said before the door went flying of its hinges and landed on the floor 5 feet away .

You saw your big brother with a surprisingly sweet smile on his face as he walked to you . “Good to see you my dear sister.  How have you been doing? ” he asked the same smile on his face. Ok this was one : creepy as fuck and two : super uncharacteristic for him . You saw him look at Chato and he clicked his fingers . Suddenly there where like 20 men around you 3 . All pointing guns at Chato , who stood there without a single idea how to react . J slightly chuckled and looked at him with a dark and threatening expression.

“I will only say this once lighter boy . Hurt my darling baby sister and I will make sure to find you , torture you , brake you , hurt you in all the ways you fear . Show you real hell . And then kill you , slowly and painfully.  Got it ?” He threatened with a growl in the end .

You never seen your fire boy this intimidated and he has a skull tattood on his face .

“Yes sir .” Was the only thing he said . At this Joker smiled again “great ! Glad we have an agreement!  Now boys time to go home ” he said leaving the apparent “ill see you soon  (Y/n) ” he said before leaving.

It was now 15 minutes after he left and the two of you still stood in the same places.

“Mi amor ? ”

“Yes babe ?”

“Tu hermano es de miedo.”

“I know babe , I know ”

Hurricane fucking Maria

So, Maria just destroyed Puerto Rico. Irma spared, to some point, us to because her BFF Maria was coming….like bitch, no!!!! It was a short time between those two and lets get straight to the point. The island is 100% without power, however, TEXT MESSAGES are going through. I managed to talk to my aunt over there and she said that she was getting my texts but wasn’t able to answer them. The island is flooded to the max, so in moments like these keep calm….no seriously, try to find out what you can do to help our island. Maria became what we all feared about Irma.

Also, Dominica got hit by  fucking hurricane Maria and got destroyed as well. Mis hermanos y hermanas del Caribe, en momentos asi es cuando vemos lo fuerte que somos. Los momentos mas dificiles siempre pasan antes de los buenos, no pierdan la esperanza. If you know someone at the island, the moment you get in contact with them, ask them what you can do to help!!!!!!

Jamie Benn

Daughter gets a boyfriend.

Jamie and I have been married for over 16 years now, we have 3 kids two girls and one boy. First we had twins, Jackson and January (Jack and Jana), then another girl named Jinger. Jack and Jana are 16 now since I was pregnant when we got married.
This is around the time that Jack and Jana should start dating and stuff like that, but Jamie isn’t to keen on that idea.

I know for a fact that both of the twins are dating. Jack gas told Jamie that he’s dating, but Jana hasn’t. I like Jack’s girlfriend, her name is Rachel, she’s one year younger than him but that’s okay, I’m not very worried about them who I’m worried about is Jana’s boyfriend.

Daniel Seguin. Tyler’s son, he’s more of the bad guy type, he wears leather jackets, and has tattoos, he’s 2 years older than Jana and he’s probably dated at least half of the girls in their entire school and all the girls are in love with him, he plays hockey so he’s got a good body and is definitely stronger than Jana.

I love Tyler and his wife Cassie, is my closest friend. I just don’t want my girl to get hurt and I think every mom thinks like that, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Jana hasn’t told Jamie that she’s dating Daniel yet and I fear for when she does cause Jamie probably got 100 pounds on Daniel and he won’t be afraid to use that to his advantage if he hurts Jana.

The text alert on my phone went off.

‘Jana 👧🙈: make sure dad doesn’t come home early today, Danny’s coming over.’ The text reads.

'Me: I’ll try to stop him from coming home early, maybe will have date night tonight! ;)’ I text back.

'Jana 👧🙈: thanks mum, and eww, I don’t want to hear about you and dad that’s gross’ She replies.

'Me: your welcome Jana, and you can hear about me and your dad, cause I listen to all this stuff about you and Daniel’ I text to her.

I then go into the switch to text to Jamie.

'Me: Hey Jame, how you feel about a date night tonight? ;)’ I text to Jamie.

'Jamie 👫❤: Yes all the way, (Y/N) better get Jordie or Ty to watch the kids cause, we won’t be coming home that night! If you know what I mean! ;)“ Jamie texts me.

'Me: I was just thinking we could go for dinner then go back home and have out fun there!’ I text.

'Jamie 👫❤: Sure thing honey, I was just thinking it would be safer to go somewhere else so the kids don’t hear us. cause your gonna be screaming my name! ;)’ Jamie texts.

I look at the text and blush, Jamie and I have been together for nearly 20 years but he still knows how to make me go crazy!


I texted Jamie to meet me up at the restaurant knowing that he would have his suit there at the arena, so he didn’t have to go home to get it.

'Jamie 👫❤: I’m coming home to get you I’m not waiting until you get there to see you all dressed up, I won’t be able to keep my hands of you’ Jamie texts me.

"Hey, Jana what do you think”. I say coming out to show my daughter the dress I was wearing.

“Oh my god, Mom you look so pretty, can I borrow this dress for when I go with Danny!” Jana says.

“This dress is over 16 years old, I had it before you where born! I’m surprised it still fits, and considering that it’s short on me it will be way to short for you, since your a lot taller than me”. I say.

“That’s why I want I wear it” Jana says.

“If I let you wear it your dad wouldn’t let you out of the house” I say.

“I could always sneak out of the house” Jana says.

“Not on my watch and If your father catches you, Danny’s a dead man” I say with a laugh.

“Why would Danny be a dead man?” Jamie says at the door.

I look between Jana and Jamie.

“This is a problem between you two, so I’ll just be in the other room” I say attempting to exit the room but, I’m stopped by Jamie’s strong hands.

“No you don’t, beautiful, I need something good to look at if this is what I think it is” Jamie whispers in my ear in an angry tone. Even when he’s mad he never fails to turn me on.

“Well dad, me and Danny are dating” Jana says in a whisper.

“No way, I told you no dating until your 25!” Jamie says.

“You and mom were married when she was, 20!” Jana says.

“That’s different!” Jamie says.

“No it’s not!” Jana says.

“Yes it is! Daniel’s a Seguin, and he takes after his father a lot, Tyler used to hook up with a girl one night then never speak to her again! I don’t want you to get hurt! I’m supposed to protect you from guys like that!” Jamie says.

“Danny’s not like that, he’s not like his dad, he cares for me he’s said it a thousand times, we’ve been best friends since we were babies and you’ve like Danny and you and his dad are best friends! Can’t you just give him a chance!” Jana says.

Jamie looks down at his feet than looks at Jana. “one chance but if he does anything, anything at all to hurt you he’s dead”. He says.

“Thank you, daddy!” Jana says and hugs Danny.

“I thought that was my nickname!” Danny says from the door.

“Danny!” Jana says her face beat red.

Jamie turns around to look at Danny and glares him down.

“Kidding” He says.

I had to pull he angry Jamie away from Danny before he killed the guy.

“At least, Jinger’s still my little girl” Jamie says.

“I have a boyfriend, dad” Jinger says.

“What!?” We both say.

A/N: Hope you liked it! Requests are open! :)

Post - Fin Episode - Side Reim - 24 + 1 Last Dance Omake # 3 - English Translation (SPOILERS!)

Sorry this took so long to get up. I got distracted by some other bits of info while translating it. Anyway, you can find the translation (plus pics) under the Read More. Enjoy! :D

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Detachment doesn’t mean I’m trying less hard. It just means that fears and emotions that used to torment and paralyze me no longer have the same power over me. Getting to this point hasn’t always been easy; it took me years to really learn to silence my mind. But as you move through your career and your life, you will have to learn that if you’re not what you do, then what you do has no business keeping you entertained at night.
—  Kelly Cutrone, Meredith Bryan

The Loft



We hear the alarm go off in the loft of intruders. And wehear breaking glass come from downstairs.

What the fuck is going on? //

Jack groans and sits up in bed, and I do so, too.

He takes off his shirt and gives me it to put on. He gets out of bed,

“We always get fucking interrupted,” mumbling to himself.

After putting on his shirt, I stand up in front of him.

He takes us to my bathroom, and he locks the windows and shuts the drapes so that no one can see or get in.

“Don’t fucking move, I’m serious. I’m going to go see what the hell is going on. I already texted Matt, he’ll come in right after I leave and stay with you. Do not unlock your bathroom door until you hear Matthew say that it’s safe. If anyone else comes, use my phone and call or text any of us immediately,” he hands me his phone.

I start breathing in an out, scared of what is about to go down.

I sit down on the bathroom floor and he leans down,

“Babygirl, it’s going to be okay. I’m so sorry I have to leave you. I wish I could be the one here with you, trust me.”
He pulls my chin up to look at him, and kisses me forcefully.

He groans when he lets go of me, not wanting to leave me.

“I love you,” he says before opening the door to leave.

“I love you too, please be careful.”
He nods and then leaves the bathroom.

I get up and lock myself in, and then sit on my sink.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s been ten minutes, and the loft is completely silent. Matt still hasn’t come.

What is going on out there?
I’ve been playing games on Jack’s phone, trying to distract myself.

A text pops up at the top of the screen, it’s from Alex, the dealer who took me last time.

“Wasn’t a good idea leaving your little princess alone, you should know better.”

I gasp and hear two knocks come from my bathroom door.

I put my hands over my mouth, trying to contain my fear. If it were Matt, he would say something.

But that’s not Matthew.

I pick Jack’s phone back up and type in the group text,

“Guys, he’s outside the bathroom door. Come NOW.”

I hear Alex messing with the lock before he breaks the doorknob off completely.

He opens the door and says,

“Well well well. What do we have here? The little princess is all alone.”
He walks over to me as I stand up off my bathroom counter.

He pushes me against the counter, and whispers to me,

“Once you’re with me, you’ll have a much better life. I could make you feel so good.”
He’s going to take me, where the fuck are the boys?
“Get the fuck off me!” I try pushing him off me, but he grabs my wrists, holding them so tight I feel bruises coming on.

He tells me to shut up and picks me up off my feet, carrying me back into my room when I suddenly see all the boys appear in front of my door.

Cameron stands in front walking slowly into my room, seeing Alex holding me hostage. All the boys are in the process of taking tape off their mouths and wrists, pissed off. They had bruises and blood on their face.

What the hell did they do to my boys?

Cameron says in a raged tone, “We’ll give you two seconds to back the fuck away from her and leave.”
“Or what?” Alex mumbles from behind me, still holding my hands together with one of his hands and holding one hand over my mouth to keep me quiet and still.

Jack Gilinsky come from behind Cameron and they all start to walk into my room.

Jack looks at me and looks down at my feet, he motions his feet giving me the order to somehow kick Alex.

I reach back and kick him in his crotch, causing him pain.

He falls down to the ground and I run over to the boys.

Everything is happening so fast.

Nash says quickly in my ear, “Come on, let’s go!”

He picks me up bridal style and starts leaving the room when Gilinsky stops him before walking out the door,

“Do not let her out of your fucking sight. There might be more.”

Nash nods and hurries us out of the room, still carrying me.

He runs us down the stairs.

“Damn, someone’s been working out,” I giggle into his chest.

He laughs quietly and says, “Hush, (Y/N).”

I nod. As we walk down the spiral stairs, I see everything trashed and broken.

There’s broken glass everywhere on the floor, and two men are knocked out on the couch, with blackened eyes and blood on their face.

Damn, they got them good.

I look down at Nash’s feet to make sure he’s wearing shoes, he is.

He walks us to the kitchen and swipes broken glass across one of the counters to make a spot for me to sit on.

He sets me down onto the counter while he gets me a glass of water.

After handing me the water, he asks “How are you feeling?”
“I’m doing a little better. This morning was a bitch, I couldn’t fucking breathe and I threw up like 4 times-“
He interrupts me, “Wait-(Y/N). You still haven’t fucking slept, have you?”
I shake my head no.

“Shit, babe. You need to sleep, it’s been almost three days. I’m sorry all this is happening.”
I hear all the boys walk downstairs, shutting my door behind them.

They talk quietly to each other, to the point where I can’t hear them.

When they all come downstairs, I say outloud,

“I’m sorry all this shit is happening because of me, I don’t know why they would want me-“
Cameron interrupts me, speaking for all the boys, “Don’t ever apologize again. Anyways, you won’t have to worry about them anymore.”

I turn my head and look at Gilinsky, “What did you guys do?”

Johnson says, “We took care of it, don’t worry about it.”

“Where is he? And what are we going to do about those two?” I ask while pointing to the guys who were knocked out on the couch.

They all laugh and look at eachother.

Still sitting on the counter, I yawn twice in a row and my eyes start to get lower.

Nash is still standing in front of me, at eye level.

I lean forward, resting my head against his head still being able to see all the boys.

“Guys, she needs sleep,” Nash says interrupting all the boys conversations about what all happened tonight.
They look at me before Matt says,

“Well, she doesn’t need to go in her room right now. We still need to make a few phone calls to take care of the fucker up there.”
Gilinsky says, “All of our rooms are fucked up, she has like no where to sleep.”

“What about the.. other room-“ Shawn brings up.

What other room?

Gilinsky interrupts him and says, “She’s not fucking going down there, not right now at least. She needs sleep.”

I hate when they talk about me and make decisions for me when I am right here.

“Guys, I’m right here. What room are you talki-“

Jack shakes his head before saying, “We’ll talk about it later; it’s not important. What’s important, is you sleeping. You’re still sick and you need to rest, (Y/N).”

“We can go to a hotel?” Aaron says as he grabs my glass, filling it with water again.

He hands it to me as the boys look at each other, debating on if it’s a good idea or not.

I sit up, removing my head from Nash’s chest, and drink my water.

“I’m down,” I say, “But let’s not go to one of the really nice ones. They’re too expensive, and I don’t feel like dealing with the fans right now.”

Cameron laughs and says, “Money isn’t the problem, babe. The fans though, you’ve got a good point.”

“Like can’t we just go to a shitty motel or something?” I ask, tired and agitated.

“Well, the sun is going down. We need to leave now if we’re going to get some rooms or whatever. There’s this motel downtown by our bank,” Matt says while walking over to me and grabbing my wrists.
He sees the bruises and gasps a little.

Gilinsky walks over quickly to my other side and pulls my wrists gently out of Matt’s reach and looks at the hand-shaped bruises that Alex left while holding me hostage.

“Oh fuck no, this is not okay,” Jack says shaking his head.
The boys all come closer to me, and Nate sits on the counter next to me and wraps his arm around me.

Nate is so sweet and I still haven’t spent any time with him.

I look around at all the boy’s faces, they have marks and open cuts.

“Are you guys okay?”
They laugh and Gilinsky says, “Why the hell are you worried about us? We got them worse anyways. “

“Let’s go to the motel, okay?” I ask the boys.

They nod and then Nate picks me up off the counter, carrying me bridal style so that I don’t touch the ground that has broken glass everywhere.

We walk to the elevator and he finally sets me down.

We’re leaving with nothing.

I hear Sammy making a phone call to maids to come clean up everything before tomorrow morning.
Nash and Carter make phone calls concerning the men, making arrangements for them to be removed from the loft within the next thirty minutes.

We reach the parking garage and I automatically walk over to Gilinsky and tell him,

“We’re riding in my car, you’re driving.”

“Only for you.”

We say bye to the boys and get in our separate cars.
I dose off in the car on the way to the motel.

Once we get there, the bright lights of the building wake me up.

Gilinsky walks to my side and opens the door, picking me up knowing I’m too exhausted to walk anyways.

We meet up with all the boys, lock our cars, and walk inside. We walk up the reception desk, and Jack sets me on top of the counter. I lean against him like I was with Nash earlier, resting my head against his chest, with my eyes shut.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out his wallet,

“How much for 10 rooms?”

Look’s like I’m sharing a room.

“We don’t have 10 rooms available, sir.”

Cameron asks, “How many do you have open?”

She looks down at her computer and replies after a few moments, “We have 3 vacant.”

They all look at each other and groan.
“Alright, we’ll take all three,” Jack responds, pulling the loft credit card out of his wallet.

He doesn’t even look at the price, and then picks me back up.

We walk to the lobby area with the three keys.

“Let’s call rooms.”

I feel them look at me, and I open my eyes.

They always give me first pick, damnit.

“Why do I always have to decide? Ugh. Whatever. Okay, obviously Nate and Sammy get a room together, and Nash and Cam can room with them. Matt, Carter, Aaron and Taylor can room together. Johnson, Gilinsky, Shawn and I can room together. Just like tour.”

Johnson says to me as I shut my eyes, “Even when babygirl is sick she handles all of us.”

They all laugh at his comment, and we go to the elevator to go up to the rooms. They’re all next to each other in the same hall, one after the other.

All the boys walk into my room and Jack sets me on the bed.

Johnson and Shawn tell me how they will leave whenever I want, they can go sleep with the other boys.

There’s only two beds in each room, and they aren’t that big in the first place.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it guys,” I say, trying my best to keep my eyes open.

I should probably shower, but I’m way too tired.

I look at all the boys and say,

“I would clean up your faces, but since I can’t, please take care of yourselves. Go clean up the cuts with alcohol, yes it will burn, and then put some Neosporin on. Clean yourselves up, okay?”

They all say, “Yes ma’am.”

I lay down on the bed, putting myself under the covers.

The boys start walking out one by one, after hugging me and kissing me on the forehead or cheek.

Gilinsky goes into the bathroom to clean up his cut, and Shawn says he’ll sing for me if I need him to.

As I’m dosing off, I see Gilinsky come back out of the bathroom and sit on my side of the bed next to me.
I open my eyes and look at his face, he missed a cut and it needs a band-aid.

“Pick me up and take me to the bathroom, your face has a cut you missed babe.”

He laughs and does as I say. He picks me up, takes us in the bathroom and sets me on the counter. I sit on the counter and he stands in front of me at eye level. I pick up the first aid box that was already out and take the alcohol and put some on his cut on his cheek. He whimpers a little due to the alcohol stinging his skin, but I kiss his lips once to make him feel better.

He smiles like an idiot.

Afterwards, I put a band-aid on it and tell him to take me back to the bed.

He tucks me in and rubs the side of my face while I shut my eyes,

“You’re so gorgeous, you know that?”
“Jack, hush, do you see what I-“

He interrupts, “You can’t fight me on this, I have at least another ten boys that will argue against you, too.”
He laughs and starts rubbing my back “Get some rest babygirl. When you wake up, we’ll make it up to you for having such a shitty day; I promise.”

I let out a breath and start dosing into a deep sleep when I hear him say,

“I love you babygirl.”

I hear him walk out of the room to let me rest, shutting the door behind him.


I walk out of (Y/N)’s room and into the hallway, all the boys are waiting for me to give them their keys, whoops.

I left my phone at the loft, so I asked Nate what the date was.

After he said it outloud, we all gasped a little and walked inside Nash, Cam, Nate, & Sammy’s room.

We all sit down and I say outloud, “Guys-“

Matt says outloud, “How the fuck did we forget? She didn’t say anything?”
“I can’t believe we almost forgot her birthday,” I say while sitting on the edge of one of the beds.

(Y/N)’s birthday is the day after tomorrow, shit.

 - - - - - - - - - - - -


A/N: This is so long, whoops. Sorry not sorry. Let me know if you guys enjoyed, I still love writing for you guys, hope you guys still like it as much as I do. :) So much love for all of you, it’s crazy. send feedback and still taking request for the boy/s involved in next fic. x - taylermarie

The Undistraction

I have become old fashioned and utterly schrizophenic about embracing new technology.  Though I am still fascinated by new technology and keep trying out all the new stuff, a beta user of most of the new apps and gadgets before they are made available to general public, I have become very choosy and cautious about letting them into my personal space for the fear of getting into a Matrix like situation.

 Over the years my attention span has been crumbling thanks to the smartphone, to the point where I begun to feel tweets are boring. Why can’t they make them more epigrammatic and limit to only 40 chars instead of 140 chars. Texts are overly long for the under-important stuff they convey, and if a FB post has more than three words it doesn’t excite me anymore as i got used to only pictures/videos on FB.  It goes against my own theory of human brain being an infinite sink of cognition.  What we feed into our brain, that used to be a seamless weaving of experiences from multiple, natural sources and variable formats has now shifted to a tiny  device. Any experience that is not served thru a smartphone  should either adapt or write its own obituary.  

 When I broke my smartphone few weeks ago I wanted to get the best and latest smartphone.  I am an Android fan,  I love Steve Jobs but always hated iPhone for controlling the experience of how we experience things. To begin with, I have a long list of complaints on iPhone, I can’t have a clutter fee homescreen on iPhone with just three of my favourite apps.   I feel our brilliant and eccentric Steve morphed himself into the iPhone and bundled his soul with the iOS to relive himself. As we, the featherless bipeds, tap on those tiny icon on the smartphone, they open themselves into a window that rigidly structures our interactions. Steve must be smiling smugly in his grave at the sublimity of human indulgence that his invention has started.

 As I shopped around for a new smartphone,  I switched to a ‘vintage’ Nokia, the ‘dumb’ phone that was lying around as a temporary replacement. For few days it was a struggle, I still kept looking at my phone for the missing flashing green light that has become a beacon of my life, and started waking up the phone to view the notifications only to see a dumb little screen staring at me. Texting anything over few chars has become nightmarish.  After a few days, I was not afraid to leave my dumb phone around for the fear of missing an email or a feed. I don’t have to remember charging my phone every day -  I now charge it once a week and the battery gets charged full in less than an hour.  

 To my surprise, it was a liberation of sorts from the boredom of the content that was constantly being pushed to my smartphone. My dumb phone makes me feel more alive to the moment with my other three senses that were neglected because of smartphone have sprung back to life.  Thanks to my undistraction,  I became less of a lurker, glimpser and a guesser. My attention span has increased to an extent I am now able to focus without having to look at the phone between two consecutive blinks.   This could well be my prelude before the sequel ‘Matrix Reloaded’ pulls me in along with the rest of humanity. This time around I am sure I won’t scramble to get ahead and rather will be standing last in the line.

Either I am shrinking or the room is growing around me, cavernous and hulking, until I feel like a little black pea, surrounded by long shadows.

Guilt is a defence mechanism for me. My father, whom I love dearly, is a short-tempered man who used the belt on my brother but favoured expletive-laden outbursts and impromptu, midnight, verbal barrages with me. I think the reason I was spared corporal punishment, besides the obvious one that I am a girl and my brother is not, has to do with a skill I learned young and fast, a skill my mother jokingly refers to as “sorry, daddy.”

I “sorry, daddy” my way through life. More often than not my sentences begin with an apology. I experience disproportionate levels of anxiety over small mistakes and if I can sense that someone is even the slightest bit annoyed with me, I cannot rest until I have supplicated, agonized and badgered them into explicitly confirming their forgiveness, at least twice.

My brother never learned the subtle art of “sorry, daddy”. Instead, following some display of insolence, my brother would adopt a sullen, dead-eyed stare, which would serve to whip my father into a kind of rage-nado. Whereas I sought to temper his anger, my brother, with is characteristic self-destructiveness, would poke the bear until he bit.

In hindsight I think the devolving relationship of anger and resentment between my father and my brother was one of the unspoken reasons my mother eventually left my father. Maybe, if we want to get Freudian about it, my parents’ relationship was ruined the day my brother was conceived. My father, only 22, had just finished his undergraduate degree. My parents had been married fewer than 6 months. I do not think my father was ready to share my mother with this bright, wicked, impossibly beautiful boy. And as my brother grew into a wunderkind, athletic, artistic, intelligent, handsome; my father became fatter, sweatier, angrier, his career not having soared as his teenage self, which he still was in many ways, had imagined it would. My father’s resentment only served to kindle my brother’s deep insecurities, rendering him more antagonistic and hostile, this would in turn anger my father more. It was not a happy cycle.

I came into the picture 5 years later. The beloved second child. I was no accident. My brother gleaned this from young and I don’t think he ever has forgiven me for it. From the get go I was the princess, I was chatty where my brother was withdrawn, I was whiny and bratty where he was sullen and seething. I would often call my parents to ask to be picked up early from sleepovers whereas my brother could spend days on end out of the house, coming in only to change his clothes. I dealt with preteen angst with a mix of melodramatic journaling and crying, my brother head-butted a palm tree in our front yard.

I followed my brother around in a kind of amazed haze, in awe of his brashness, his bravado. I would scramble up trees after him, only to be too afraid to climb down, having to be rescued by a grown up. As we got older, I would hear tales of his infamous insubordination at school; riding in late on a skateboard, skipping class to get high on the roof, giving teachers the finger. His legend was only amplified by the fact that he was nothing short of a genius, solving mathematical equations well beyond his age-level, excelling in the arts, the sciences, sports. He learned how to sail. He was a scout and a cadet.

I too did well in school, but I was bookish and precocious. I favoured languages and literature. Whereas my brother was good at everything, I quickly lost interest in things that I could not easily master. I had no patience for failure and would never push myself out of my comfort zone.

Tonight, as I sit sleepless, propped on too many pillows, worrying that the light from this laptop is keeping my boyfriend awake, I try to summon some of my brother’s insolence. Today, at work, after my shift, I spilled a full pint of beer. I’m not sure how it happened, I was not drunk, it was only my second drink. This tiny, non-event was so upsetting to me that I left immediately, hardly able to maintain my composure on the commute home. I got home and climbed straight into bed, unable to stop crying, feeling at once horrible and ridiculous. I cannot explain why this spilled beer set me off. It had been a long and arduous day and I could sense, probably inaccurately, that my coworkers were annoyed with me, probably the worst feeling in the world for a “sorry, daddy” like me.

I dozed for hours, not so much tired as just undesiring to be conscious. And now I cannot sleep. I feel too small to sleep. Instead I think of my brother, five hours ahead in England. I wonder if he too lies awake in the dawn hours, overthinking his relatively privileged upbringing, trying to psychoanalyze away his fears. I think about my dad, wherever in the world he is. In my mind’s eye he is half asleep in a business class cabin somewhere over the Atlantic. He is thinking about my mother, wondering, for the infinite time, how he lost her. He is a better man for it, though he may not be able to admit this to himself. It has been 13 years since they split and he still texts me on their anniversary, still unable to fathom his inability to get her back.

And I think about tomorrow. I will be tired. I will be cranky and will likely snap at people. I will say stupid things and make mistakes and probably spill beer. I hope I am not too hard on myself about it.