trying that thing where i do not pretend feelings are not real

and man do i love courier six, and i love how everything culminates in the dlc and lonesome road. 

i love six because you feel the quest for history that’s there, the quest to figure out who the fuck she really is, the quest to find the man who shot her and the thing she ended up in a grave trying to accomplish, the quest to understand the forces at work in the mojave and where she fits in and what forces of her own she cares to apply

but it’s history that it all comes back to, and then there’s ulysses- ie the first, real, concrete piece link to her past. he knew her, he knew her name, he knew the kind of person she was (and after getting shot in the head you’re never going to be the person you were, that person is long gone and only ulysses pretends to know who she was)

and i love love love that she’s free from her history even as she’s trying to track it down- she’s FREE. she can be anyone, do anything, break out of the recursive loops that everyone from elijah to the think tank to joshua graham are stuck in, the world is an ouroborus devouring its own tail but the courier is walking new roads she is carving new lines she is changing the shape of the mojave forever

but the world resists, ulysses resists, this is a world locked in the past even this long after the war, some traumas go too deep and this is a world where the sierra madre and the think tank are still rumbling in the dark, this is a world that can’t let go no matter what, it holds on with a death grip and drags everything down with it (the courier is the only one who can save the world because she’s the only one without a history; how perfect is it that her greatest threat and greatest enemy is a historian, a man steeped in dead cultures, dead communities, the memory of a courier who died and walks the earth no longer)

history, her history in particular, is quicksand, it’s a trap, even if it’s irresistible to her, but she’s the only person on earth who stands a chance of breaking out of it.