My dad took this photo a few years ago. He saw this rattlesnake and got out of the car, then proceeded to throw tiny pebbles at it so it would curl up like this. He was definitely too close, but even so, what a shot!
The Most Beautiful Man In The World, Who Lives In My Building And Only Ever Sees Me When I Look Disgusting
The Most Beautiful Man In The World lives in my building. i don’t know his name. we met on a bus, when i smiled WAY too brightly at him for strangers because, honest to god, my whole heart lit up in a way that made me think, “oh, i must know that guy!!” no. i didn’t. he’s just The Most Beautiful Man In The World.
what does The Most Beautiful Man In The World look like? i will tell you:
like the way the sun spills over water at dusk
like the way food smells when you’re hungry
like the sound angels make when they’re doing folk covers of pop songs on their heavenly harps
and also kind of like the guy who played Chad in “high school musical,” if the guy who played Chad in “high school musical” was the most beautiful man in the world.
i tell you this not only to brag that i live in the same apartment complex as The Most Beautiful Man In The World but also because i want to know WHY, if there even IS A GOD, every single time i run into The Most Beautiful Man In The World i look like a LITERAL DUMPSTER TROLL that has just CRAWLED OUT OF ITS GARBAGE HOUSE in search of FREE WIFI AND A SLURPEE. i want to know why i can never just BE COOL with The Most Beautiful Man In The World when we ride the elevator together, which is!!!! kind of often!!!!!
DID YOU GUYS KNOW that sometimes i look nice?? sometimes i actually look like a FUNCTIONING ADULT!!! sometimes i would go so far as to say i am an ATTRACTIVE INDIVIDUAL!!!!!
you know who DOESN’T know any of that???
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN IN THE WORLD, WHO LIVES IN MY BUILDING!!!
here’s a quick rundown of the last few times i ran into The Most Beautiful Man In The World:
i was wearing a maxi dress i had very cleverly biked home in, without a helmet* (*don’t try that at home, kids), in the VERY HOT AFTERNOON SUN, so i was a GROSS SWEAT MONSTER but without any OBVIOUS INDICATOR that there was a normal reason for it, and i couldn’t stand to look at him so i just glared at my phone while he probably wondered, alarmed, whether i was fleeing the scene of a crime
i was wearing a white shirt that i had not SECONDS before spilled salsa ALL OVER in a big red stain right down the front like a KINDERGARTNER
i was carrying two armfuls of ENORMOUS bags of popcorn with a three musketeers bar literally in my mouth and he overheard me say through my stuffed candy cheeks to my doorman, “oh, no, i’m not having a party, this is literally all for me”
i dropped my backpack while opening my mail and said to it, defeatedly, “why? why did you do that when i explicitly told you not to? do you like being on the floor?”
i fell into and then off of the elevator
why??? why does this happen??? what vengeful god has orchestrated it so the ONLY TIMES i ever run into The Most Beautiful Man In The World are when i could easily be mistaken for a child’s doll that has been put through the wash by accident, or a dollar bill that has been stained by years of being in people’s sweaty palms, or a mop with eyes???
whatever. everything costs money and everyone you love disappoints you. Mop Eyes out.
on hello counselor, the concern of the wife was that her husband restricts her from going out and bosses her around in the house, even the simplest task such as squeezing out toothpaste. the wife also noticed her two sons becoming similar to her husband (asking her to get water for them, etc.)
“Shot for shot? Are you crazy?” he asked you, his voice heavy with grit.
You smirked at him from across the table. “You scared?”
He chuckled to himself. “Alright, we can’t do this. You will end up in the hospital,” he said.
“So you are scared?” you challenged him again. Sam stepped forward.
“Yeah, I’m with Dean… He’s a lot bigger than you. This is a terrible idea,” Sam said. “Come on. Can we be grown-ups here?”
You gave Sam a passing glance. “I’ll be fine.” When you glanced back at Dean his eyes were already on your face, and you felt a little warm even though the shot of whiskey was still sitting on the table in front of you. “So? Are we doing this or what?” Sam mumbled to himself and threw his hands up in exasperation.
Dean’s lips, slightly parted and impossible to ignore, curved into a small, crooked smile. He tilted his head. “Alright. But I am not responsible for kicking your ass,” he said.
You smirked back at him again and picked up the shot glass in front of you, throwing it back. “Please. I’m gonna have you so drunk you’re gonna be kicking your own ass.”
Dean bit his bottom lip. He was finding it impossible to take his eyes off you. The fire burning in yours was staggering. “Bring it on,” he said, and he threw back his first shot too.
Sam sighed and pressed a hand over his face. “This is not gonna be good…”
I work at a little local petstore and I am very fond of all the animals we have in store as I’m the one who takes care of them. Today one of our two mice that had been surrendered to the store gave birth to nine darling babies, so I took her little gf cagemate out to prevent her from hurting any of the newborns.
We didn’t have any extra mouse cages or tanks in store, so she got to hang out with me today, riding around in a little dog treat pouch i had on my hip or climbing all over me until someone brought a new one over from the other store.
Her name is cookie and she is the sweetest most darling angel mouse in the universe, doesn’t bite and just adores people, but a bunch of kids came in and kept making really rude comments about her saying she was gross and shouldn’t be out in the store and that the best kinda mouse is a dead one. It really hurt me because cookie is just a sweet angel who deserves the best home ever. They left after the store cat hissed at them for pulling his tail;;; i rly just wish people would respect animals a little more
(all of which are based on things I see tourists doing every single year. You frighten us. Seriously. We know you haven’t been taught any better, so this is an attempt to help)
I know not everyone is swimming between the
flags at the beach. I know. It’s because locals
know what a rip looks like, know where all the rocks are, and know when the
tide is going in or out. And you know what? We still find ourselves in trouble.
But we’re all usually experienced enough that we can stay afloat on the
rare occasions we actually need rescuing, and everyone knows you’re an idiot
and calls you such when you get out. You do not, and you’re also in the way of
surfers (surfboards, by the way, do not have brakes). Stay between the flags.
Watch your children at the rockpools. Seriously.
Tell them that looking is fine, but under no circumstances are they to put
their hand in the water, and they DEFINITELY shouldn’t try to pick anything up.
If you’re driving home from the beach and your kid (or anyone) is unusually
tired, GET THEM TO A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY. They may have been bitten by a
blue-ringed octopus, in which case they’ll need emergency treatment.
Those blue jellyfish-like things that wash up on
the beach? They’re a Portuguese Man O’ War, or bluebottle. They’re not dead –
just stuck until the tide comes back. Don’t touch them – their sting HURTS. Hot
water helps. You shouldn’t need a doctor, but it won’t hurt to get it checked
out if you think you’re having an allergic reaction. Also, don’t pop the tops
of the little guys – that’s just cruel.
Similarly, don’t stomp on the little molluscs and
things growing on the rocks. I’ve seen so many kids make a game of this. They’re
not dangerous, but they are living creatures. (Also, don’t walk near them
barefoot. Trust me - I’ve made that mistake myself)
It’s recently been brought to my attention that
other countries don’t have this, so I’ll add it here – if you hear a continuous
horn/beep/siren at the beach, that’s a shark alarm. It’s a good idea to get out
of the water at that point.
The size or hairiness of a spider has nothing to
do with how venomous it is. See: huntsman spider vs. redback spider.
If it’s summer, wear sunscreen. I don’t care if
it’s overcast. Skin cancer is one of the biggest killers here, and that’s for
people who are used to our sunlight. Not to mention that it IS possible to get
so sunburnt that you can’t even wear a shirt. I remember attendance at my
school dropped 50% after one carnival because no-one could get their uniform on.
Feel free to add more in reblogs! I will be doing so as I think of them.