truthful Tuesday

To the Romans, 50 = L
  • I should soon be able to weave a beautiful, hip-length braid of my ear, nose, and back hairs. Will post pics.
  • 110 golf balls on Sunday ⇒ aching triceps Tuesday. 
  • I spend a fair amount of time wondering who’s dying next.
  • Three months ago, while still 49, I ran 13.1 miles fairly comfortably. Yesterday, I staggered through 3.1 and nearly barfed up my tuna sandwich somewhere in Elmwood Park.
  • Some people reading this weren’t yet alive at the time of the story I told last night. Perhaps she is reincarnated in you.
  • If you feel like your brain is full of worthless knowledge, don’t worry. It’ll fade.
  • Metabolizing was fun. I miss metabolizing things. I’d like that back.
Tuesday Feels, Truthfully
  • Browsing real estate I’ll never buy.
  • Feeling disconnected from the surface of the planet without any of the cool sensations associated with flying or levitating.
  • Watching the entropy, mourning the chaos, lamenting the irreparability in the time remaining.
  • Burning through the capital.
  • Squandering.
Truthful Tuesday.

I want to travel more.

I want to be that person who is always out on an adventure every weekend. Hiking, camping, road tripping…

I want to take lots of photos of places I’ve been.

But you know… Staying in my jammies and waking up at noon on a Saturday is easier. And more delicious.

Life is so different now that I’m in my mid thirties.

When I was younger, I was always on the go, always planning something, and was always out and about.

Now, just thinking about trips and plans is already making me tired.

So I’d rather netflix Friday night away, sleeps Saturday away and shop Sunday away.

And I’m ok with that…

It's Tuesday

I have this precarious balance of “Too Many Things To Do”, and “Not Valuing Myself Enough To Look After Myself”, all under the shadow of “Feeling Completely Overwhelmed”. And it all leads to long periods of stasis and “Beating Myself Up Due To Holding Myself To High Standards” and “Not Giving Myself Credit For The Things I Do Actually Achieve”.

Truthful Tuesday

I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. When I leave my house, it’s rare that I run into anyone I don’t already know. In fact, the vast majority of people I pass on the street have known me since birth. This is both a blessing and a curse. I’m not an anonymous face here—I’m part of a “community"—which is kind of nice. The not so nice part is that the “community” I was born into has, historically, treated me like shit.

Remember the kid you always chose last to be on your team? Remember the kid who wore thick glasses at the age of six? Remember the kid who had cystic acne in high school? Remember the girl who went to prom alone? Remember—if you were a jerk—the kid you were kind to in private, but in the presence of others, you mocked or ignored? I was that kid.

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a song I hadn’t heard before on Apple Music. It was released in 1974, and it resonated with me more than any song I’ve ever heard before—At Seventeen, by Janis Ian.

Now, at 45, when I look at my former classmates, it’s evident that I’ve aged better than all them. Seriously, all of them! There are times when this fact makes me feel as if I’ve had the last laugh, but sadly, that feeling doesn’t last long. Regardless of what I look like now, I’m still single. I don’t anticipate that changing anytime soon. Would you believe that it’s been almost 8 years since I’ve last been kissed? It’s been 12 years since I’ve been kissed by someone who was able to make me weak in the knees.

Some of you share your stories about online dating here on Tumblr. Most of what is shared is horror stories, nevertheless, I’m envious of you. I envy you for not being afraid to put yourself out there. I envy you for not giving a shit about what people who know you will have to say about you putting yourself out there. But most of all, I envy you for still believing that someone out there will love you enough to choose you above all others, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. 

Truthful Tuesday
  • So, I suppose for the first time in my whole adult life, I am officially unemployed. 
  • My new boss still hasn’t paid me one cent since I started nearly a month ago. I really believe he will pay me in the next week, but deep down I’m doubting it more and more as time passes.
  • With this unemployment comes a lot of sadness and reflection about my life and where I’m headed. Considering I’ll be 30 in almost exactly 3 months from now, I’m really wondering what I want for my future. I’m slowly starting to sink into depression trying to sort this all out.
  • I think I may be in denial that this is happening to me, this was genuinely my dream job. It hurts to be in this position. So, I am drowning myself reading/watching anything that will take my mind off of it. 
  • I have always been a very independent and strong woman. At this moment in my life, I feel like a failure and I’m feeling more lost and alone than ever. 
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Truesday: Sometimes you just need to hear a cover of Baby Got Back to make you smile. I cannot lie about that.

where I’m at