trumpers,

LMGTS: Inside, Outside, Upside Down
  • Anti-Trumpers: Trump can't be the President! He doesn't have enough experience!
  • Trump: I'm hiring people with experience.
  • Anti-Trumpers: Those are all political insiders! He's not cleaning up Washington at ALL!
  • Someone: Didn't you people support Hillary?
  • Someone: The highly connected insider who's been in and out of Washington for more than twenty years?
  • Someone: Who was the most powerful First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt?
  • Anti-Trumpers: shut up shut up sHuT uP

The ‘Are You A True Trumper’ Test

Okay, I get it. The ‘choice’ at the election was beyond awful. With the two most desperately unpopular candidates in recent history it was like being asked to choose between Leprosy and Ebola. No rational person would want either. It was the kind of ‘hold your nose and vote for the lesser evil’ scam that Washington’s political elites have been cynically foisting on voters for far too long, only this time it was a lot worse than usual. So America got Trump.

Maybe you were a disgruntled Republican giving the finger to Washington for it’s failed establishment politics. Possibly you were a disgusted Democrat who could clearly see that Hillary represented everything wrong with your party but, since the media ‘experts’ said she was going to win anyway, thought a protest Trump vote might warn the Party bigwigs to quit forcing Wall-Street shills like her on you in the future. Then again, perhaps you were just an average, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynistic, racist kinda guy who wanted a Prez who would represent your values. Not much to ask, after all.

Whatever your reasons you voted for Trump (and no-one is judging) but I bet you were still a bit surprised when the impossible happened and he got elected. Not many saw that one coming ! In the stunned aftermath of the election some who voted for Trump are already suffering desperate buyers-remorse but others remain quite chirpy about it. I suppose it depends on whether you’re a True Trumper or not. Are you ? In case you’re not sure, here’s a little test with 10 easy questions to check how True a Trumper you really are. 

1. Do you understand that the best way to break the ice with any woman you meet is to ‘grab her by the pussy’ ? If she complains it can only mean she’s a crazy feminazi who doesn’t know how to take a compliment and it’s her loss.

2. Do you also understand, speaking of women, that the government needs to keep a firm control through strict laws on what they get up to with their own bodies and medical stuff ? Because .. well yanno .. women !!

3. Do you know beyond doubt that America is in terrible, desperate, imminent danger, and so are you, even if you personally have fifty-seven guns stashed around the house just in case ? If the hordes of Muslim terrorists invading the USA don’t getcha then the Mexican rapists sure will. It’s a hella scary world !

4. Do you agree that the best way to help folks like you who are struggling to make ends meet in America these days is to give more money to the super-rich. Lots more money ? Man, that good ‘ol snake-oil, trickle-down shit has always worked out so well before. Why fix it if it ain’t broke ?

5. Do you believe that global warming is some kind of crazy masochistic liberal crap Al Gore dreamed up to sabotage American business and that the USA needs to really let rip now with fossil-fuel exploitation ? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen ? Amirite ?

6. Do you understand that the universal healthcare enjoyed by all other developed countries is ‘unaffordable’ and ‘wouldn’t work’ in America because .. hey .. if freedom means anything, buddy, it means the right to die a miserable premature death from curable illness ? Go USA !!

7. Do you recognize that workers rights and protections and pensions need to be trashed pretty darn quick because preventing people being exploited and harmed in the workplace and offering them a secure retirement is kinda ‘socialist’ and pretty damn anti-American ?

8. Do you agree that homosexuals and ‘illegal’ immigrants and atheists and pro-choicers and gun-control freaks and socialists and the godamn liberal media and people who aren’t as white as you are want to destroy the American way of life and they need to be stopped ?

9. Do you believe that torture is A-Okay with Jesus and that any black who get’s shot by cops was probably asking for it ? Folks need to respect authority or by God they need to be taught a lesson. Make America strong again !

10. Do you get your news and opinion online at Breibart and ‘Trump TV’ now since Fox News got so pussy-whipped and caved to the politically correct feminazis? That’s how you know all this stuff is true, yeah ?

So are you a True Trumper or not ? If you scored 0 then you are probably fairly normal (although not that normal or you wouldn’t be reading this blog). With a score of 1-3 you may recover in time with intensive reality therapy (but it’s only an outside chance). Score any more than that, though, and I’m afraid you’re a True Trumper. A hopeless case and there’s nothing anyone can do to help you.

But cheer up. It won’t be for long. Trumpers and people who live in the real world, the deluded and rational alike, we’ll all go together when Donald hits that big red nuclear button in the Oval Office thinking he’s buzzing for the maid.

Internet Writer

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REPORTERS:
Well, what did I say? He’s out of his tree!
He’s finally flipped, and between you and me –
He’s no hope of retaining his crown in his frame of mind.
In fact, he shouldn’t have come back, he should have resigned.

FLORENCE:
Smile, you’ve got your first exclusive story!
Now you can bask in his reflected glory.
“Naked, unprovoked Yankee aggression.”
Oh, what a credit to your great profession!


Illustration of the “Press Conference” song from Chess, because in the original production, Freddie did actually straight-up punch that reporter. It makes me sad there’s no good video of it, so I had to draw it myself.