truffstuff

Where the pfargtl do I even begIN

There’s got to be another route to the front of the house. I’ll just have to figure it out as I go along, I guess. 

Now where’s a good place to–

hmm?!

Ahha! Mystery solved.

………

…alright, Cipher. 

You’re not fooling anyone. Did you hide the front door?

Geez.

You know, man–

–there are easier ways

–to get my attention.

……….

…Capiche?

youtube

And So It Goes- 
-MydiaLidnight

So where am I? What glorious dimension have I cut into? Is this the wood between the worlds? Have I begun a tremendous journey to places unimaginable, unseen by the eyes of neither tree nor man? 

Ow–wha–is this glass? Is that a microphone???

Alright, that’s it. Sweet cinnamon Michael of Troy, WHERE AM I? 

….

*DRAMATIC ZOOM OUT*

….

…I’m….I’m in my house.

In front of a projector screen.

…That I set up. 

I uh…I forgot about that, too. 

there is a person 

making a noise

“human”

“human hybrid”

“human”

“human" 

"HUMAN”

Stop sniveling you cantankerous worm


Let me make

one thing

perfectly 

clear.

I. 

am not.

a human. 

…………………….

…………………………………

………………………………………………

Oh well of course all trees have faces–it’s just the style to wear our tufts in front rather than brushed back.

It’s what’s socially acceptable. Mine will grow back sooner or later. 

Okay, anon, let’s get you inside. 

…………

Well well well. What a notion. What an absolute scream. What a prodigiously WONDERFUL idea. Aha. Ahahahaa AHAHHHAHAHHA–

Ahh, but who would ever buy such a thing, bro? Think business. 

And I ain’t gonna just chop down anyone I meet. ‘Tain't polite. 

Alright, well, while we wait for the very bamboozled man on the phone to deliver what’s rightfully mine, I suppose I’ll be gracious and answer some of the public's burning questions. 

Oh, can you now. (That wasn’t a question)

……………………..

………………………………………..

………………………………………………….

BAHAHHHAHHAHAA–

…What’s a service provider.

……………..

No, really I–what is it. I mean, I don’t…

I just get whatever stuff my neighbor gets. 

wOW–amAZING–your deductive skills are inCREDIBLE!! I’M STILL A TREE. 

You had all that power, all the ability to wreak havoc on my existence and you just…wow. What sorcery.

I’m flabbergasted–I’m really curious–do you change species every time you get a haircut? (…or…run into a chainsaw?) 

…………..

Fine–you know what–if my face bothers you tHAT much–I’ll just–

–there. Magical. Simply magical. 

Well It’d be somethin’ like this:

And SHAZAM you’d run screaming.

Nah just kidding, bro. I’m just a tree. 

But that doesn’t mean I can’t hide stuff in da truff. The truff has maximum hiding potential. 

Right now it’s mostly poker chips and rice. Maybe a badminton racket. Just your average truff stuff. 

Also don’t touch me. 

2

Well that’s the thing about trees. Most of them gave their speaking rights over to the Lorax in the treaty of ‘71. It’s a silent protest kind of a thing–pacifists.

Passively lazy, I say. 

And what good does the Lorax do? He plays poker with the enemy and sleeps in tree stumps. Bit of a weirdo if you ask me. What if he’s Canadian. 

That’s why I got…..uh–I mean–that’s why I left. The forest. I speak for myself.