troll duck

ALTERNIAN GEESE - A Headcanon

Hey. Hey guys. Stupid fun Alternia headcanon.

You know how wild geese are stereotypically assholes here on Earth, right? Go overhead in sometimes MASSIVE flocks and land to forage and rest? Also they honk a lot??

Think about it. Alternian Geese.

From the day they surface, little trolls learn to fear the DISTANT HONKING of Alternian geese, which quickly primes them for learning to fear Subjugglators/The Dark Carnival. If you as a tiny troll don’t learn to duck for cover in your hive when you hear the echoing chorus of the most common death birds on the planet, once the flock is overhead, they’ll quickly descend upon you, beat you down with their buff-ass wings, and rip you to shreds like sky-piranhas. This would mean a sudden, instant, bloody and savage death for wrigglers who didn’t know better and a lesson learned for first-time survivors.

Obviously they stop being QUITE as dangerous to older trolls, but they’re still bad enough in large numbers, even for highbloods, that a flock landing in somebody’s lawnring could still keep them trapped inside, maybe even preventing them from going to work until they could find a way to kill them or get them to leave.

Fiesty Little Hobbit

Warnings: Swearing, So much sass

General Summary: Imagine you are Bilbo’s little sister.

Chapter Summary: Your mouth gets you into trouble as usual

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 5

“We will camp here for the night,” Thorin calls out and you sigh, relieved to finally be resting.

You wait until Bilbo gets off before you follow your brother. You hear Thorin getting into an argument with Gandalf, but you ignore it, opting to tie your pony to the tree.

“Gandalf? Where are you going?” you hear Bilbo ask and that catches your attention. “To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense!”

That causes your brows to crease.

“Who’s that?”

"MYSELF, Mr. Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day!” Gandalf replies and you watch him go.

You follow him to see where he’s going.

“Gandalf?” you ask quietly. He stops and sighs. “I will be back Ms. Baggins. Do not worry about me,” he says and you nod, turning back around to go back to the dwarves.

By the time the sunsets, Gandalf is not back. “Y/n, be a dear and take this to the lads,” Bofur tells you, handing you two bowls. Bilbo takes one from you and you smile at him in thanks.

When Gandalf left, you did not want to talk to anyone, but Bilbo. You both leave to find Kili and Fili. You find them easily, but they’re just staring at the ponies.

“Whats wrong?” Bilbo asks and you sigh.

“You lost the ponies didn’t you?” you ask them and Kili turns to you in surprise. “Please don’t tell Uncle,” he pleads. “Well, someone has to tell him,” you reply as Bilbo takes a look around.

“As our official burglar, we thought you two might want to look it,” Fili says and you narrow your eyes at him. Biblo will undoubtedly fall for it.

“Well, it looks like something big was here,” Bilbo says, looking at the fallen tree. “That’s what we were thinking,” Fili says and you roll your eyes. You look around and you see a light.

You move forward, shoving the bowl into Kili’s chest. You jump over the broken trees and move closer to the light.

"Trolls,” you mutter. You duck as you see another troll carrying Myrtle and Minty.

“They’ve got Myrtle and Minty!” Bilbo says, coming to stand next to you. “We’ve got to do something,” Bilbo says and you sigh. The boys were going to tell him to do something and he did.

Needless to say, you were all captured by smelly trolls and luckily for you, you were put in a sack and not tied on the spit.

“I’m going to murder you both as soon as we get out of here,” you tell Kili, trying to wiggle yourself out.

“It was your brother’s fault for us getting captured!” Kili exclaims. “It was you two dunderheads that didn’t notice a fucking troll stole the ponies. What were you even doing to not to notice it?” You ask annoyed and he shuts his mouth.

“Oi. You two quit your griping. We’re trying to figure out how to cook ya’,” one of the trolls says. “Oh shove off you cotton headed ninny muggin,” you retort, opting to just lie there instead of wasting your energy.

“You wot?” The other asks. “None of your business you swine,” you reply and you’re immediately lifted up by your foot and turned towards the trolls, blood rushing to your head.

“I don’t like you,” he says. “Get in line big fella! Half of my people don’t like me,” you say. “What are you then? An oversized squirrel?” He asks and you roll your eyes at the same question the trolls asked your brother.

“I’m a hobbit you twat,” you say, trying to get the blood flowing properly but you can’t given the fact that he has a tight grip on you.

The troll grabs you by the waist and rights you and you thank valar for that.

“What is a hobbit? The other one was a buglarhobbit. Are you some kind of offspring?” he asks again. “What are you going on about? There’s no such thing as a buglarhobbit you daft bimbo,” you say and that causes him to lift you above his mouth.

That’s it. You were going to die right there. You weren’t even halfway to the mountain yet.

“Wait! You can’t eat her! She’s got worms. In her — tubes,” you hear Bilbo says and suddenly, you are tossed into the other dwarves landing unceremoniously unto Thorin.

“Are you alright?” Thorin asks. “Just Peachy,” you reply, trying to sit up. “Yes. They’re all infected with parasites,” Bilbo says as you see Gandalf running in the background. Ah, so he’s buying for time.

“We don’t have parasites, you’ve got parasites,” Kili shouts and you kick him. He looks at you and you glare at him. He turns back to the trolls. “I’ve got huge parasites! The biggest there is!” he shouts and the company starts agreeing with Bilbo’s words.

“What would have us do then? Let them all go?” the troll spinning the spit asks. “Well,” Bilbo says and you laugh at your brothers silliness.

“I know what you’re trying to do! This little ferret is taking us for fools!” another one says, poking Bilbo in his stomach.

“Ferret?””Fools?”

“The dawn will take you all!” another voice interrupts and suddenly the trolls are turned to stone.

It takes you all a while, but you are all packed and ready to go by midmorning.

You glare at Thorin as he blames Bilbo for getting them into trouble in the first place.

“You are forgetting, Mr. Oakenshield that it was your two nephews that lost the ponies in the first place,” you growl out, poking the king in his chest.

He looks at his chest in surprise. A hobbit would dare poke him?

“I suggest you change your attitude towards Bilbo because he was the only smart one that had the nous to play for time, you cheeky little shit. Now, if there are trolls here there must be a cave nearby,” you say, looking around and leaving the dwarf and wizard behind with stunned expressions. You were such a feisty little hobbit.

@sdavid09

from @miskatonicwhaler to @eeveebethfejvu, a James Bond AU with Emily as Agent 007, Billie as Eve Moneypenny and the Outsider as Q!!!

Do not move or you will troll yourselves

This is the problem with being easily amused. You’re having fun in your own perception of the world, and others don’t know how to react to it because you’re so different than they are, and you’re not falling into the normal parameters of what they’re used to as far as interacting with others.

… That was more verbose than I expected.

This is not gonna end well. Kanaya’s pasting John’s conversation as Rose, so a younger John can read it. 

This is gonna have hilarious consequences, or something profound will be said.

Ah, so, movie critic part 2. 

… Well…

John in the future trolled Kanaya by impersonating Rose.
That conversation caused Kanaya to troll Rose in the past.
Which led Kanaya to contact John to troll him.

So, yeah, they’re all being trolled.

2

“This is my friend Davey. He has a lamp collection.”

Is this some inside joke that I’ve been missing out on? I’ve seen text posts about Davey and lamps. I still don’t understand. Help me, please.

Spinsie answers my question:  “Why are Skeptics so important to convince?” and lays down the law of the land.

Hi Anna! Spinsie here, wearing my flak jacket as the nanny-nonnies continue to launch their spitballs. A spectacularly lovely person has posed some very pertinent questions, so I have provided a response.

Why are the Skeptics so important to convince? Why would anyone care what we have to say about this ridiculous situation? Why are we being monitored so closely? Aren’t we supposed to be the crazy paranoid ones whose opinions do not matter? I can’t help feeling like we’re missing the big picture here..

I wonder this a lot. We’re variously tagged as mental, obsessed, malevolent, envious, deluded and pathetic; it really does beg the question as to why anyone bothers reading our posts or bothering to change our views.

I can only offer an opinion(s), and only based on what I see. I don’t have any inside information about the secret lives of Rachel and whoever she married. I’ve sorted these random thoughts in to sections because sub-headings can be fun sometimes. I’ve started with the obvious and then moved onto more opinion based responses.

Bleeding obvious

We’re on social media, on a pretty big site that is populated by lots of fandoms. We’re part of a well-known fandom so we’re sitting ducks for trolling, and sitting ducks for the Tea Party type nans who are convinced that anyone who disagrees with the enforced narrative is the enemy and must be punished. That would account for a large amount of our detractors. We also engage with them a lot, so it makes their attacks worthwhile. (For what its worth, I think at least some of the trolling is a desperate attempt for company. I’m not excusing people who do it, I’m just suggesting that sometimes they are a good deal more lonely than we realise.)

A bit not good

Sceptics of anything rarely get good press. They’re also prime targets for derision, and mocking them is an easy way to scare off anyone who doubts the pushed narrative. I am sure a lot of closet sceptics are very scared of being ostracized by their followers or doxxed by the nans. Staying silent is a safe option, and therefore the nans’ punishments could be viewed as very effective.

Yes, some sceptic views are controversial, but I’ve yet to find a valid reason why the nans think it is their role to police that, particularly when there is so much toxicity out there on the webs that could use some policing. In any case, anyone with a ounce of common sense would realise that one person’s view does not represent a whole group’s view. The more wily nans have sought to take the most controversial views and present them as the general sceptic view, when, if they had any nous, they’d be plastering their sites with rock solid proof of how great the Batch union and progeny are. They’d have pictures and irrefutable arguments and could drown us out with their reason.

A rational person would just block sites they don’t want to read; the nans just come back salivating daily, waiting to be outraged and inflamed.  I wonder sometimes if they actually secretly like us.  

Nan Power in anonymity

There must be a lot of comfort to be had in joining group onslaughts anonymously. The nannies live on anon and can say whatever hateful things they want to and about us. All it takes is a couple of the more vituperative nannies to give implied permission to the other more timid nannies and next thing you know, the sceptics are inundated with pompous, patronizing nonny posts.

Importantly for the nans - while we’re busy defending ourselves against their tirades, we’re not posting the pregnancy pics or discussing the blinds or questioning whatever Seb is writing now. It’s an old tactic – keep your opponents defending and their arguments will never look valid.

Which leads me to …

Spinsie’s Law

I’d like to enact a sceptics’ legislation, a law that requires every single nanny-nonny submission to be answered with the pregnancy chronology pics. New rule, nannies: no one gets an answer, justification or defence until you explain the how Rachel’s pregnancy worked. As soon as a nanny - or indeed anyone – can provide a plausible explanation as to how Rach twisted her pregnancy body on the Vogue couch, why she shilled a wedding dress she obviously didn’t wear, how her belly was upside down in Brora Brora, how she bowed at LL and how she wore her old size 4 non-maternity clothes when she was seven months pregnant, then we’ll start arguing.

Section 2 of the act forbids any nanny to use details of their experiences as their reasons. No one gives a toss what nannies wore in their pregnancy or that they were able to scale Big Ben two days before going into labour. All nannies who wish to present their case are required to explain only Rachel’s experiences, and to provide receipts. Section 2b defines receipts as not being People, a Daily Fail article or any other news report or tweet.

The legislation will allow special credit to any nanny who can adequately explain why Rachel BLURRED HER HUSBAND’S FACE in images she used to sell a pair of shoes. I mean, seriously. Why nannies, WHY? What part of that action suggests this is a normal union? What part of that action doesn’t unsettle your belief that this pair is in love? TELL US. Explain how that blurring is the action of a normal devoted spouse.

Just buy the thing

We’re actively refusing to accept a popular product. That form of dissent is never popular.

What’s more, the product is an actor who, up until last November, had a peculiar, organic charm, and a large tightly gathered, vocal fandom that appreciated an actor who seemed genuinely funny and creative. In the last year we’ve seen him streamlined, seemingly taken over by corporations. He’s become a lot less palatable for the rustic crowd, and a lot more digestible for the mass market. Sad, but not unusual. He seems to want a franchise and the perks that come with that. His (varied) handlers seem to believe that in order to achieve global success and represent the value of a studio, he has to present a particular image.

No one wants to believe their fave could be so easy to repackage. Anyone who argues that he is, is not going to popular.

Nans: a field guide

How much of the trolling and opposition is from the nans, and how much is outside influence? I’d say, based on what I see, that about 80% comes from nans, 20% from outside. I don’t think the outside influence is really interested in pushing the narrative and if they are, they’re dopier than I originally thought: they don’t have to push the narrative anymore. It’s pushed. That Rach and Whoever are married, procreating, parenting, buying houses and living the dream is the default setting these days.

I think the outside influence is entrenched in sexism and elitism and driven by nastiness. They depict the sceptics as mad fangirls who wanted to marry a actor, and view them as an exclusively shameless female base who will never get their picture in Tatler, sprouting opinions and sprinkling snark over a pair of privileged polished upper middle class actors who are selling everything from cars to clogs and expecting their pitches to be received without question. They never refute any sceptic views, just insult and degrade.

The sceptics’ refusal to bow is annoying for the outsiders, I’ve no doubt. I envisage the outsiders as privileged and not used to being challenged by those they perceive as less important.  I interpret the outside trolling as frustration, shouting down ornery commoners who won’t accept Rachel and Whoever’s intrinsic superiority. Their on-going wailing has no impact yet they keep coming back, so it must be for their own benefit.

Why won’t we just die

As for infighting amongst the sceptics – well, both the nans and the outsiders would love watching that. We’re a pretty broad church and yet we’ve been, until recently, pretty friendly. Worse, we’ve been defiant and refuse to shut up. No matter what they do, we just keep blogging.  That would have to be a great source of irritation to nans and outsiders. Divide and conquer is their only hope. Watching us squabble would delight them, so of course the less stable (or desperate) amongst them would come charging in to keep the fights going.

(And this is just a guess, but if you hypothetically ran a website business that specialized in shaping social media perceptions, wouldn’t it look great on your CV if you could prove you took down an opposing faction for a big client?)

Fifty shades of beige (and they’re all beige)

Finally – the whole fauxmance was fascinating in its early stages. As celebrity watching goes, it’s boring now. I think the nans are as bored as us. Batch and Rachel may have learnt to hold hands, but she’s never going to make any exciting fashion choices and he’s no longer the charming goofy person he was two years ago. They both look fairly glum.

We’re more quiet these days because we’ve grown so used to the Batch process of red carpets and sour faces. I daresay the sceptic ranks will continue to grow as long as the Batches keep trudging down the red carpet. We just won’t be as vocal, or as noticed. We might get the occasional laugh (I so hope she is making mood boards to celebrate the baby’s teething) but even those things will get dull eventually.

I think the nans are as bored as us. They troll and provoke a lot more when there’s no news.

Postscript

As for the final outcome – well, the Batches have managed to keep it going for a year. If they do break up, we won’t hear about it until it’s all sorted, months in the past and finalised. Any truth behind the union or the break up will be skillfully buried. If I’m wrong, and there is a blaze of publicity and an unspeakable scandal, I expect the nans will all come rushing over here, insisting they were always sceptics and they never liked Rachel at all. The outsiders will disappear instantly.

There’s always hope

If you liked Batch and admire his work, that’s still available to all of us. I really enjoyed the Sherlock special. Sometimes I re-watch TTSP and marvel at how good he can be, and remind myself that he will continue to get better and better. Who knows what kind of films he’ll make in the future. Consider the long term for a moment: what if he breaks through the mainstream US market – aided by the fact he is “married and parenting”   - and establishes himself a world wide audience? What if he uses that power to produce interesting films, star in exceptional roles and is able to take some creative risks because he’s scrambled to the top of the pile?

Time for bed

I think the nans are unavoidable, but we don’t have to entertain them. Let’s change the tune and make them work for their supper. Rather than having us have to prove our views to them, have them prove theirs to us.  I do know that nothing I’ve seen or heard so far has changed my mind, and every foot stamping, bad mannered nanny makes me more convinced that we’re witnessing a clumsy PR stunt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you Spinsie for this absolutely brilliant post!

I hereby pledge to uphold the Spinsie Law from here on out.