How to be a Parent: An Illustrated Guide, by John Winchester.
1. The first thing you need to acknowledge is that being a parent is scary. It’s a big commitment, it’s full of trials and tribulations, and it will, in all likelihood, lead to your immediate death.
2. And even if it doesn’t, it will most definitely lead to the immediate death of your significant other.
But fear not! With these helpful tricks of the trade, you’ll get “this parenting thing” down in no time at all!
3. Feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities as a parent? Need a break? Don’t worry! There’ll always be a small child available to do it for you!
4. And the best part is, once they get old enough, you won’t even have to worry about providing them with emotional support! They’ll just rely completely on each other!
(Of course, there’s always the chance of developing unhealthy codependency, but you can deal with that later.)
5. In fact, there are few responsibilities children can’t carry on their tiny, impressionable shoulders. Worried about home security? Buy the little suckers a gun!
6. Running low on cash? Teach ‘em to hustle pool!
7. But don’t feel too guilty if they start taking up illegal activities as a lifestyle – I’m sure that has nothing to do with you.
And if, by chance, they DO resort to stealing food for some shallow, self-centered reason like “feeding his little brother” or whatever, don’t hesitate to leave the little rugrats to rot. Tough love all the way!
8. Similarly, don’t feel bad if in spite of your best efforts, some of your kids still turn out to disappoint you, doing something stupid. Like attending an ivy league college instead of hunting vampires like the rest of us. What a goddamn loser.
9. Still find yourself getting tired of them? Don’t worry! It’s never too late for straight-up abandonment!
10. And if you don’t agree with this list of rules, that’s fine. Go ahead. Be a loving, kindhearted father. It worked out just great for all the other parents on this show.
Note: For surrogate parents, this may not apply.