triad

@shayalonnie, @tmliles @kiananishirami @henriasownbinder @to-pick-ourselves-up-7 @faerieflightz @chiseplushie @elantil-arcacia @ash-castle IT HAS BEGUN!

The Trouble with Marriage Laws, Chapter One (Rated M)

Preview:

“I can’t believe this!” Hermione all but growled, crumpling the official Ministry of Magic document in her hands.

She’d thought for certain they’d come to their senses and reverse the ruling before they got to her. But then, there it was … her invitation to meet with the Ministry-sanctioned Matchmaker, clutched in the talons of the owl that waited ever-so-patiently at her window this morning.

Shaking his head, Harry sighed as he watched her storm though the foyer of 12 Grimmauld Place. “Hermione—”

“Just ridiculous! I usually have no trouble not bringing my modern, Muggle-world understanding into Wizarding things, which you well know.” She spun on her heel, shaking an angry finger in his face. “But honestly! How can they do this in this day and age?”

His brow furrowed as he stared at the dainty, balled hand, shaking in fury before his eyes. She was just as terrifying in her wrath now as she’d been when she was twelve. One would think a decade of friendship would have been more than enough time for him to realize he was one of the only people who could diffuse her.

Certainly the Law was a recent development, but he thought she’d have been better prepared when they finally called on her. “Hermione—”

“This is backward. And … totally barbaric!”

“Barbaric?” He grabbed her by her shoulders and gave her a gentle shake. “Hermione!”

Frowning, she met his gaze.

“We’re talking arranged marriages, not trussing up the centaurs like carriage horses. And you’re not alone, okay?” He pursed his lips as he shook his head at her. “We’re all being put through this.”

Her body drooped a bit in his hold and she dropped her head down against his shoulder. She didn’t want to not be angry about this. She didn’t want to calm down. If anything, she was positive this was exactly the sort of situation over which she had every right to feel upset.

“I’m not wrong,” she said, the words spilling out in a whisper. “That all our friends are being forced through the same thing doesn’t make it any better.”

Smiling, he pushed her back a little, catching her gaze. “I never said you were wrong. Just … lashing out a bit, maybe. At me.” He gave a half-shrug as she bit her lip to hold in a laugh. “Like I have any control over this mess.”

“All right, okay.” She wiped her hands over her face in a calming gesture as she let out a rattling breath. “Everyone has to do this, and no one else is making a fuss. It’s … .” Hermione let her voice trail off as she nodded. “It’s for the good of the Wizarding community.”

His bottom lip stuck out in a thoughtful pout. Well, she’d managed to talk herself down from that one faster than he’d expected.

“Harry?” she asked, making her chestnut eyes wide and pleading.

Sighing, he let his head fall back. With that look she didn’t need to speak the question. “Yes, I’ll go with you.”

“Thank you,” she said, her abrupt shout in his ear making him laugh as she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

“You know,” he muttered with a grin as he hugged her back, “whoever your future husband turns out to be, he’s probably not going to like this part of our friendship.”

She pulled back enough to scowl at him. “Then my future husband will just learn to deal with it.”

Harry relinquished his hold on her and followed her back through the foyer. He didn’t know if her future husband was lucky, or doomed.

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Cautionary Poly: Jen

As notebook paper, plastic silverware and booming accusations were being hurled through the air, I was scrambling to find my hoodie and my backpack and flee the kitchen before the Mr. Coffee was launched at my face, sacrificed to the warlike gods of jealousy, poor communication and differing expectations. This poly triad fight began over a pizza topped with black olives…or did it?

I met this married couple online a few months before, and I was impressed by their welcoming dating ad including a smiling portrait of the two of them. I loved dating male-female couples because I am poly and pan, and because it seemed to me that a close, family-like triad structure was the best, most satisfying way for me to live my poly. Husband, wife and me—the newest partner, sharing time, energy, a bed and even a large pizza on occasion—everyone happy, healthy and making a life together one day at a time. That’s the light side of being a third partner in a MFF triad, being the cherished single, pansexual female that this couple had wanted since they’d opened up their relationship a few months before.

I was surely responsible for my part in the almost immediately-apparent dark side of this arrangement. After chatting with this couple online for a few weeks and meeting them in person a few times, I agreed to be their exclusive girlfriend, and further agreed to a slew of pre-determined regulations set forth by them, for me, without my contributions or even my knowledge in some cases. I wasn’t aware that common, everyday dating bits like watching movies, eating at restaurants, sleeping in beds and ordering pizzas were all things that had rules around them, but I discovered these hidden clauses one by one, accidently, until by the time the pizza order was called in on that night, this triad went right back to being a couple and me alone, all of us worse off for the experience.

This night started off like any other weekend date night with husband and I off work, wife on the way home, and we’d planned a Netflix and chill night (heeheehee) and wanted to order a pizza so we could all make out rather than cook things. He called in the order—a large pepperoni with black olives, which was their fave pie, and one of mine. The pizza arrived at the house before wife did, and she came through the door, dropped her purse, jerked open the box top, and unleashed the fires of hades on husband for the unforgiveable sin of ordering “their” pizza for the three of us. “You KNOW BETTER!!” wife shrieked as she shoved the boxed pizza off the counter onto the linoleum.

Wife threw things at husband while I ducked, dodged, and frantically searched for my belongings and headed straight out the front door. Neither of them took notice of my departure, at least until husband sent me a lengthy email the next day which I thought accurately outlined where he, she and me had gone wrong. From the beginning, as it turned out. There were more red flags in this situation than there were positive green lights, and I failed to notice some of them, and ignored the rest in favor of being in a triad relationship.

They were not ready for a poly relationship, triad or otherwise, they had very different expectations of what their poly would look like, and they were not properly communicating their…well…anything. I let the relationship form too quickly, I mostly communicated with him, and let him speak for her more than she actually spoke, I hadn’t clearly defined MY expectations, and I completely missed the part where wife was lukewarm to the whole poly concept at best, and fiercely opposed to emotional attachments at best.

I wasn’t able to turn this trio of people into a healthy, happy, long-term triad, but I was able to accumulate a basketful of valuable takeaways in the form of “Dos” and what NOT to dos.

Dos: Slooooowwwww dooooooown! NRE feels really, really fucking awesome, but getting into a poorly-run dynamic feels really, really fucking awful.

Speeeeeak uuuuuup! Assert your wants, needs, personal boundaries and plans for your future with potential dating partners, from jump, and revisit as often as needed.

Screen/vet/get to know potential partners BEFORE agreeing to anything that looks like a relationship. I admit that I spent more time vetting a phone carrier than I did checking out some of the people I wanted to date. Not anymore. ☺

What NOT to dos: Don’t just meet potential partners, and be compelled or inclined to go with the flow and let things happen around you without your ideas and wants being a factor.

Don’t get blinded by the thrill of newness, or err….let your junk make big, important decisions for you. Junk is junk. It’s good for sexy stuff, but very bad at making sustainable life choices.

Don’t be afraid to get yourself out of something you see as being harmful to you and/or others. Do not wait until a coffee machine is being thrown in your general direction before you choose to walk out the door and leave a relationship that is clearly not healthy.

From this point forward, I was more experienced and educated about my partner choices, and what I was and wasn’t willing to deal with, and I now know (and am grateful for the lessons of) that when it’s about a pizza, it’s not really about a pizza, and a Mr. Coffee is better used to brew a pot for everyone to share, around a kitchen table, talking out problems, laughing, joking, and making healthy plans for everyone to get their needs met in a poly relationship.


Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships is a special feature of Poly Role Models. The goal of this feature is to highlight the fact that successful polyamory isn’t always free of mistakes…and those mistakes can definitely be gained from.

anonymous asked:

I'm in a triad with my primary and our girlfriend who we started seeing a couple months ago, and seeing the two of them be affectionate is really hard for me. They never make me feel left out, but I still feel so weird when I see him kiss her. Do you or your followers have any advice for working through this kind of jealousy?

Working through jealousy is something that polyamorous people spend a lot of time thinking and talking about as a community. Here are some helpful tips from my experience, and I invite anyone to add to this as a resource for jealousy management.

  • Accept that you’re experiencing jealousy. It is not bad or wrong of you to experience jealousy. You are not a bad person, a bad partner, or bad at being polyamorous because you’re experiencing jealousy.
  • Try to pinpoint the root of the jealousy. Rather than a feeling in it’s own right, jealousy is an umbrella response that typically covers up feelings. Are you jealous because you’re feeling insecure? Where does the insecurity come from? Get as close to the bottom as you can.
  • Target the real issue, not the trigger. Seeing your partners be affectionate triggers your jealousy, but it is not the source of your jealousy. Do your best to work on resolving the source, not suppressing the trigger.
  • Communicate openly with your partners. Even if it’s hard for them to understand, or difficult for you to open up about, the three of you may be able to come up with ideas that you alone could not have. When you’re all working together toward the goal of you finding more comfort and security, that might go a long way toward helping with the jealousy.
  • Trust that your partners have your best interest in mind, and know that the jealousy will likely pass. If you’re willing to do the emotional work on your end, and your partners want to help you and support you, the chances are good that you’ll be able to navigate your way out of jealousy.

Best of luck, and don’t worry - nobody is perfect at relationships. Give it time, and be patient with yourself.

- n.d.