trending sayings

I randomly mentioned to my dad that I had seen an unusual amount of people wearing those bomber jackets with the NASA patches on them in the last few days and he was like “maybe they’re wearing them as a form of mourning after Cernan’s death” and like he meant it as a joke but tbh…taken seriously that’s low key kind of a sweet thought.

I Never Thought I'd Say This

I feel I’m losing my support here a bit, and it’s affecting me. I’m not entirely sure why. At this time in my life, with all the doleful sentiments I’ve been experiencing, it’s really poor timing for me to feel this way.

I hesitate to go into too many specifics or lament, so, I’ll just say, since I’ve gotten close to Chris, my followers have slowly decreased, and the hearts on posts have decreased. It’s unsettling. It was never about hearts but this trend says something. When I was weepy, heartbroken, et cetera, I had less confidence in my writing and you guys actually read me quite a lot more than you do now. It’s hard not to take that personally. It’s difficult to look at my followers and see that I’m losing people daily. And I find it disconcerting the amount of males that have conveniently dropped off over the last few months. I was oblivious to the undercurrent. I honestly thought we were some kind of adults.

For a year this blog was cathartic. Therapeutic. Now, it’s a source of contention; anxiety each day that I see yet another person leave for some bullshit reason. I don’t know what they want or expect from me, but I did my best here. I try to do my best at everything. So, with having said that, I’m going to take a break from Tumblr.

To those of you that have been supporting me and being my friend, it is not lost on me. I’m truly ambivalent. You are the reason this blog still exists. Thank you. A thousand times thank you.

To quote my guy: “You’re an artist and you need a supportive, well-versed, non-biased, audience who can appreciate and help your creativity blossom whether you’re happy, sad, angry, whatever emotion you want to express. Not some jealousy riddled, singles club who only love you when you’re down.”

I just wanted to express myself. I just wanted to write, like everyone else.

I guess, I’ll be back.

Update: please do not comment on this post if it is negative. I have just blocked two people, conveniently both males whom attempted to devalue my opinions and tell me, basically, that my feelings aren’t valid because it’s art. *sigh* This is exactly what I’m talking about.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.