trauma expert

I hold six hospitalizations in my pocket like broken bones. pulling them out for stories later, screaming, ‘look how broken I am.’ screaming, ‘I am broken open and leaking, can’t you see can’t you see.’ screaming, 'I don’t want to be like this but I do, I do. this is all I have ever known, can’t you see can’t you see.’

another patient makes fun of me when she finds out how many times I’ve been here. calls me crazy. this isn’t her first time either but maybe she can see that this is all I’m ever going to be. drowning in this. willingly taking gulps of water in. screaming, 'don’t you dare pull me out.’ screaming, 'the water holds me better than air ever could.’ screaming, 'let me drown let me drown. can’t you see that the sea is ready to take me and I am willing to drown.’ screaming, 'even if I try to tread water, it always sucks me back under. it hurts less if I just let it, can’t you see can’t you see.’

you’ve been here before, everyone says. I’ve been here before, I reply. we all ignore the way I beg them to let me die in the nighttime. we all ignore the way I won’t remember it the next day. we all ignore the way I keep pretending to get better. we all ignore the way everyone keeps pretending that that’s something I can ever be.

Finn rant

Okay, here goes. I wanted to take the time to summarize everything that I hate about the Star Wars fandom and it’s treatment of Finn. This is all stuff that has annoyed and in some cases offended me that I’ve had to look at for well over  a year since joining this fandom. This is also everything that I’ve felt like I had to keep my mouth shut about because it seems like most people in the Star Wars fandom have no problem whatsoever with.

If you disagree with me, that’s great, and feel free to message me why. If you feel offended, then unfollow me, because that’s what I’ve been trying to do for over a year.


So the other day, a dear friend of mine told me that the finnreyfridays one-shot we were working on was sexist. Like actually sexist. Do you know why they told me it was sexist? Allow me to answer the question for you.

They told me it was sexist because the plot included Finn saving Rey. That’s why. I didn’t turn Rey into a helpless damsel-in-distress, I didn’t write Rey as a slutty scavenger who flirts with every guy she sees.

I wrote Rey as a skilled Jedi who was ambushed by Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ren on a mission, and simply needed help. That’s it. It’s not an unrealistic situation at all, and Rey still got the upper hand on Kylo Ren. She was in danger and outnumbered, and Finn showed up and helped her.

And it’s became very clear to me that it offended my friend for one reason. That reason was that by simply because my having Finn rescue Rey, I apparently shattered Rey’s character and turned her into a helpless damsel-in-distress….

A few weeks ago there was photoset made by @shropshiregirl79 for finnreyfridays. It was a daily planet au with Finn as superman and Rey as Lois Lane. One of the pictures showed Rey in danger and Finn rescuing her, carrying her in his arms. Someone got mad about that and said they made Rey into a damsel-in-distress. 

Another situation arose where someone posted artwork of Finn and Rey as an old-style movie, with Finn a detective pointing a gun at someone while Rey clung to him. Once again, someone got mad and said it turned Rey into a damsel-in-distress. 

It’s become so taboo in this fandom just to have Finn saving, or even protecting Rey without people (probably white feminists) getting mad at it. Why is that? Is Finn’s only role only to be put in peril for Rey to rescue?

And if you’re one of the people who gets mad about that, let me ask you a question.
Would you be mad if it was Finn?


Here’s the deal. I joined the fandom well over a year ago. I can safely say I’ve read about

thirty to forty fics

where at some point,

Finn is inevitably captured or put in peril, and rescued by Rey or Poe.

I’ve seen

finnrey shippers

who supposedly love and appreciate Finn, joke around and call

Finn a damsel-in-distress (or trooper-in-distress)

and talk about how Rey does nothing but save him over and over, and everyone laughs and jokes about it.

I’ve read fics where on the off-chance that Finn does risk his life to save Rey, he gets criticized for it because he was being

RECKLESS and Rey HAD IT UNDER CONTROL. Seriously? Finn can’t even save Rey without it involving him being stupid or catching hell or it? 

It’s always, “Finn why did you do that?! You could’ve died!” instead of “Wow Finn thank you for saving me, I’m glad you’re okay. That was pretty brave.”

But nope. Can’t even have that. 

I’ve read fics where Finn is flat out tied up and gagged.

I’ve read a fics where Finn is captured, beaten, stripped down and hosed and left in a cell shivering in the corner helpless, wishing that Rey or Poe was there to save him (but it’s okay because ta-da they come to his rescue).

I’ve read a fic where the entire thing was just worshiping Rey. Literally. It’s Poe’s pov during a battle, and Finn is basically getting beat up and dragged away by stormtroopers, by the way that’s his entire role in the fic, just to get his ass kicked. He doesn’t do anything else.
So Finn’s getting beat up, and the rest of the fic is Poe being completely ENAMORED left in AWE by Rey’s amazing flawless skills fighting through the stormtroopers and kicking ass left and right and looking SOOO beautiful and graceful with her lightsaber and she rescues Finn and Poe thanks her and thanks her over and over again. 

That’s the entire fic. Kissing Rey’s ass and kicking Finn’s. And guess what? The readers ate that shit up. They loved it. 

So let me sum it up again. Finn can get beat up by stormtroopers, captured thousands of times, stripped, tortured, hosed down, and left shivering in a corner basically crying for Poe and Rey like bait, and people say that they appreciate Finn’s character for this? This is okay to everyone?

Yet if I write a one shot where Rey is outnumbered, defeats Kylo Ren but is then outnumbered and Finn comes to save her, then I’m destroying Rey’s character? Then I don’t appreciate her character? Then the entire one-shot is sexist garbage based on turning Rey into a damsel in distress?

Apparently so. Thanks fandom. 

Again, I’ve been putting up with this for over a year, and it took a lot of time for me to actually muster up the courage to rant about it. If this offends you, you’re probably apart of the problem.

Finnamon Roll?

Okay, another major trend I’m sick of is the constant EMASCULATION OF FINN. 
Let me sum up Finn’s character.  He suffers from trauma. He was taken away as a baby and raised to be a ruthless killing machine. He endured 20+ years of brainwashing, propaganda, and conditioning. He had no friends whatsoever (SLIP WAS NOT HIS FRIEND). He was the best stormtrooper cadet in his unit. He almost never missed a shot with a blaster. He was an outcast, and constantly criticized for having a heart.

In TFA, he suffers from trauma, is still an expert shot with a blaster, rescues Poe, keeps Rey from getting shot by stormtroopers, makes a tough decision to leave Rey because he knows what the First Order is capable of, and even begs her to come with him. He comes right back into the fight after seeing Hosnian Prime get destroyed, and is witnesses Rey get kidnapped by his worst nightmare. 
What does he do? He decides to help the Resistance, gives them vital information that only HE knew, volunteers to go to SKB. Captures Phasma and forces her at gunpoint to lower the shields, helps Rey escape from SKB, witnesses Han’s murder, watches Rey get slammed into a tree, before making the final decision to stand up to his worst nightmare, knowing he might die just to protect Rey. His last line in the entire movie is “Come get it.”

After summarizing his character, how come all I see on tumblr is “awwwwww look at my cute smol wittle Finny. He’s so harmless and adorable!!!” Like…excuse me? Is that all tumblr was able to get from that movie? So let me get this straight. Because Finn isn’t a cold-blooded murderer, he’s suddenly nothing but a squishy pile of hearts and flowers and sugar  who couldn’t hurt a fly? Really?

How come in most highschool aus, Finn’s portrayed as an overly-meek or powerless nerd? If anything, Finn would probably be a pretty strong guy who gets straight As and stands up for his friends no matter what. But that doesn’t mean he’s a bully either. 

This is what the fandom does with his character, instead of exploring the endless possibilities with his backstory and trauma. AND on the off-chance that someone writes an actual Finn-centric fic based on his backstory, it’s always just Finn and his stormtrooper buddies having a romance or exploring sex for some reason. We can’t even have a Finn story without it circulating around people he knows. It’s always about someone else at the end of the day.

What’s heartbreaking is that most of the things I’m complaining about happens in the stormpilot and finnrey ships (this is where I expect people to unfollow me). Like come on guys. I could see r/eylos doing this, but not you guys. You’re so much better than that. 

Space Prince Finn (More Emasculation)

Look, when I first heard the idea of Finn being a lost Prince, I was stoked. I was blown away. My reaction was,”Finally! This fandom’s actually given Finn something of his own! He could be royalty! How dope would that be!”

But…of course, this fandom has to take that amazing concept and uh…

Well, we ruined that too. We basically turn Finn into a jewelry stand, and a makeup model. Of course, I’m not saying men can’t wear what they want. If a man wants to wear makeup or wear jewelry, that’s completely fine and I encourage that. But here’s the issue. 

We constantly idolize Princess Leia and Queen/Senator Amidala because they are figures of royalty who can fight and take care of themselves, as well as look badass while they do it. 

So why is it that when we have Prince Finn, he’s once again, emasculated, put in dresses and given nail polish, lipstick, doused in glitter, and turned into a damsel-in-distress who not only needs constant rescue once again, but this time needs Rey/Poe as a bodyguard to protect him?

It’s a double standard. I’m sorry but you can’t praise Leia and Padme for being badass royals who don’t need protection, and turn around and make Finn the opposite. 

And again, it’s something that the fandom eats up for some reason. We’ll shun the Hutt-Slayer bikini (rightfully so. it’s disgusting), make it a point to make fun of the hutt-slayer bikini and constantly criticize it, yet draw Finn in it and everyone thinks it’s cute and hilarious. This is the shit that I’m sick of. 

Look at T’Challa, otherwise known as Black Panther. He is royalty, but he’s also very powerful, knows how to fight, is an amazing fighter, and is taken seriously. Very seriously. He is strong, brave, serious, and intimidating, yet he’s not a bully or a stereotype. 

THIS. THIS is what I expected Prince Finn to be. This is what Prince Finn would be if it were canon. He’d be a strong leader, handsome, noble, powerful, and intimidating. And he wouldn’t need constant protection from Rey and/or Poe. Especially not this constant emasculation and woobifying. 

We live in a day and age where Princesses are being portrayed as stronger and stronger, and are told that they can rescue themselves. So why is Finn being treated the opposite? Why is Finn being treated like he’s just there to look pretty for commissions and make out with Poe? Why does he need all-powerful Rey to always protect him? Why can’t he be taken more seriously?

I want you to think about this.


Okay. This was a lot to cover, and it’s something that’s been nagging at me for a while now. Look. I look up to Finn. I really do. He’s my hero. He’s the first main black lead in Star Wars, and that means the world to me. I want to see him grow and be appreciate and given an epic role moving forward, and I feel like the Star Wars fandom isn’t the place I’m going to find any of that. 

Not a day goes by where I’m not tempted to deactivate and walk away from the fandom entirely. There’s just too much shit Finn is put through that drives me insane. There’s too many things that I look at or read that make me feel like this fandom will never actually appreciate Finn the way the he deserves to be appreciated. Even the people who say that they love Finn tend to do this.

So I wanted to write this rant in case I ever deactivate because of this fandom. Just so you, the readers, can know why.

Thanks for reading. Means a lot. If you’re still wondering when the One-Shot is coming out, probably next week. I have to finish it on my own. 













don’t let guilt eat you alive / take it by the throat / tear off it’s tongue / eat it instead

let it fester inside of you. let yourself taste it. throw it up later. let it linger in the toilet with the food you never allow yourself to digest. tear into your skin later because you swear it never left your stomach just like the calories never did.

pretend to not feel it taking over your body. pretend to not feel it swimming in your veins. pretend to not feel it chewing on your bones. pretend to others that you are fighting it. pretend to others that you don’t like it inside of you.

guilt never ate you alive / it just became you

from a personal point of view, i think that the fact that the start of bitty&jack’s relationship was mostly shared over skype is actually really good

i mean, bitty obviously has strong issues with physicality and maybe having that non-contact time really helped to adjust. because despite them being friends, the most common type of physical contact he had had with jack before canon zimbits happened was checking practice. and having to adjust from ‘uncomfortable yet necessary touching’ to ‘touching that is actually welcomed’ takes time

and that time is better when there are no constant tests on where in the scale he is. so yeah, having time to discuss their relationship and get more comfortable with it before seeing each other again was probably for the best

Let’s talk about what a badass Tifa Lockhart is. She’s a mother of 2, supports Cloud’s mentally weak-side while also dealing with her own trauma, manages her own restaurant AND helps manage Cloud’s delivery service, but aside from her emotional strength she’s also incredibly physically strong. 

Loz is the manifestation of Sephiroth’s strenght. 

So not only does Tifa give Loz one hell of a beating in the church, the movie goes by pretty fast-paced with its fight scenes, so one thing I love to do is so slow it down and examine the animation. 

Everyone here has seen Tifa’s fight against Loz, but have you ever really looked at what she endures when Loz counter-attacks her? (Gifs have been slown down so you can really see it, they aren’t lagging)

His hit on her that sends her flying back into a concrete pillar. Now, I have no way to know if anyone reading this has ever experienced a really really hard punch in the stomach but this sent Tifa flying back several feet away and a few feet off the ground into a concrete pillar. 


So not only does her stomach hurt, but look at how she hits that thing! She didn’t even have time for her entire body to be laid up against the wall before she fell, she hits it and her back immediately snaps into an arch positioning. 

Anyone who has ever taken a hard hit on their back, I’m sure you know that you also hit your head. Your head will usually whip back and get smacked. You see Tifa’s head snap back, but she’s already far from the wall by the time it does, not giving her time to bump her head on that. 

I’m by no means an expert on biology or human anatomy so if there’s some trauma expert or doctor to further analyze this for me I would love it a lot. 

All I can say from looking at this is “Ouch” with a cringe. 


Loz decided this wasn’t good enough and proceeded with the attack.

We can just see how she has no time to recover, one blow to the stomach send her flying into concrete where she bounces harder than a bouncy-ball in a hallway, and before she can even hit the ground Loz has her up against the wall again. 

Look at this. Look at how hard she gets hit, her body goes into full rag-doll mode. 

But no Loz isn’t done there, he decides to give her one more electric dose.

This one is strong enough it SHATTERS the FUCKING pillar!!! This electrical charge hit Tifa front and center!

She’s still conscious at this point?! This woman is TOUGH.

Then the way Loz just throws her, we see her take a pretty hard hit, this time her head actually bouncing on the ground. 

Its really no wonder she’s whimpering in pain after enduring all of this in quick session. Not only that, after this onslaught, Tifa can barely get up at this, and I can only imagine the helplessness she feels as she watches this man, this embodiment of Sephiroth walk towards Marlene. 

Tifa is still awake, which is amazing all by itself, but the fact she’s trying to move when she lay limp just seconds before. Seeing Marlene in danger forces her to push her body past that pain boundary, but her body is literally failing her at this point. Tifa still has the spirit and will to fight, to protect Marlene, but her body betrays her. Her body can’t continue and so she stumbles clumsily in the dirt. 

And not to mention that she took electricity to the face too, after she fucking stopped Loz’s punch.

And she just!

And literally shakes it off. 

Oh and that Loz flings her around the church bashing her into those really thick looking wooden pews. 

Then after a few more spins that no doubt has all her blood rushing to her head, he just throws her towards the wall. 


This isn’t the first time she’s ever gone up against Sephiroth either,here she’s fighting his incarnation of strength, she also goes toe to toe with him in KH2, quick enough to dodge all his attacks, in Dissidia 012 we also see her facing off against Sephiroth in the CGI, again quick enough to dodge his attacks, and in the actual story of Dissidia 012 it is Sephiroth who fights Tifa. 

I’m also not forgetting the time at 15 years old she got cut down by Sephiroth and sent tumbling down a flight of stairs and lived to tell the tale. 

Oh and let’s not forget that Tifa is also a martial arts PRODIGY.

I honestly wonder if Tifa would have had what it takes to make it into Soldier, not that she’d have any interest in doing so, but I wonder if she could! 

Long story short, Tifa is a certified badass.