transformationtuesday

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I can’t believe I’m posting this….

Both pictures are taken at the same point after having both my children!!!

I get so disheartened about my weightloss journey that I don’t give myself credit where it’s due!

In Olivia’s pregnancy I gained 6 stone whereas with Jaspers I gained 8lb… between having my babies I dropped 60lb! There’s not a massive difference between the two pictures but it does reflect some very hard work especially whilst pregnant!

2.5years and down 60lb so far despite having a baby inbetween… I need to be more proud of myself! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

I remember how jealous(?) trans timelines and before/afters always made me. Every so often in my teens and 20s I’d let my internal armour down and I’d watch every online video I could and followed every story I could find (there weren’t a lot back then). I remember feeling so impossibly unattractive and so terrified to be different. That could NEVER be me. That WASN’T me. Besides, my teens were plagued with weight issues and extreme acne that left me so self-conscious on top of everything else. Every time I tried to be honest as a young person with my feelings to parents or friends it was meant with monstrous shame and violence. I felt so far away that I ran so hard from every feeling, character trait, clothing choice, hair choice or anything at all that made me feel in any way externally projected femininity. Developed my version of what a “bad ass” was. Refined, adapted and learned to excel in that world and avoid pain. It wasn’t until I learned the value of radical self-honesty that I even started to realize what I’d done to myself. How much my brain had adapted to just implode on these thoughts and swallow them to survive. How much it has damaged my processing ability. How much I’d created this double version of reality. This character. This dulling of my emotions. Disassociation. As I’m learning to shed all the past shit, I realize that through all of this- trans timelines unequivocally gave me strength. Even though I didn’t believe it at the time cuz I felt so ugly, they gave me hope. They saved me a little bit in a way. I felt less alone. I felt less broken. I’m still in the middle of working through all this but I’m so far from who I used to be. So as uncomfortable as it feels to embrace my past self, I hope maybe it helps someone the way it helped me.

#transformationtuesday 2015 vs 2017 ➡️ I’ve always known shame, my unwitting sidekick, since childhood- long before I knew its name. Looking back, in a ironic way it was shame that was one of the main catalysts that drove me to try to be successful. To try to be liked. To try to be accepted. To try to fit in. To try to become more. To prove something to the world. But at the same time, it was that same shame that was the weight around my neck, the stones in my shoes, the constant naysayer and saboteur. I remember a time before shame when I was fearless as a child and did everything with freedom. It wasn’t until I started to express a desire to wear girlier stuff around 7-8, and got beaten up by my dad for it a number of times that I started to question what I did and started to feel ashamed and wrong. Once I learned how poorly I fit in with other boys and was tortured by them, the shame snowballed exponentially. But as I grew up, I made the most of the momentum that my shame and anger created. I made a career out of tapping into it musically. I manufactured and refined this “tough persona” on the outside to try to be what I thought I should be and to protect my vulnerability. I had ups and I had downs, but through everything, shame was there- influencing. Even though coming out as transgender has felt impossibly tough at times, its not 1/1000th as hard as quietly living ashamed of yourself and your feelings every single day. I didn’t realize that I had this wet blanket over my whole life at all times for the last 20 years until it was gone. Accepting myself, being honest with the people I love and choosing not to run from this anymore has allowed me a self-pride and freedom I forgot existed and allowed me to appreciate happiness in my life. Thanks to things like Instagram and Tumblr, I’m also constantly reminded I’m not alone anymore now. When I leave my house, people can think whatever they want about me but I’m finally feeling truly proud of myself and who I am. Feeling whole. And erasing the shame.

instagram

🌹 this was a super simple sketch/color and here is a progress video! 😊😘 #transformationtuesday #beautyandthebeast #emmawatson #digitalart #disneyfanart

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Before and During, Same underwear!!!!! I can NEVER go back to that version of me… ALL ME, no trainer, no creams, no pills, no quick fixes! Just time, patience, consistency, dedication, and a mix of crazy! when I look in the mirror I still see rolls and my skin is looser but I don’t get discouraged..I put in work cause I know that changes are being made! Keep going so you have pictures like these later!! It’s definitely fire in my furnace 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥💪🏾

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Transformation Tuesday!!! On the left, a complete nervous wreck before going to my first kings game as female. On the right, the last kings game I went to this season, confident and care free. This journey is tough, but it does get so much easier over time! I really have to thank all the kings fans who helped make me who I am today. I know I wouldn’t be here without their love and support. Before I started transition a lot of people told me that it was just easier to leave everything in your old life behind, but let me tell you, you definitely DO NOT have to. Just because your trans, doesn’t mean you can’t still love the things that make you, well, you! Girls can like sports! I’m so glad I didn’t leave everything behind, because now, I have everything I ever wanted 💜🖤💜

Height: 5'7 
Before weight: 307
During weight: 183
Goal weight: 150ish

Feeling a bit down and still seeing my old self in the mirror. Just needed a reminder of how far I’ve come.

It’s not just a weight loss journey but a natural hair journey too!
Follow for daily ramblings! Snap me stuff! sc: cece6780

instagram

My first time using Procreate! I may already be in love lol who else uses Procreate? Any tips for a newbie?? Lol #procreate #transformationtuesday

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