Stop shaming men who like us, stop calling them gay when they’re not, stop watching dudes play us on screen.
Yes, it’s actually a deeply complicated and nearly intractable set of issues at the dangerous intersection of race, class, homophobia, misogyny, and economics, but the thing that most people can DO, right now, no matter who or where they are, is really that simple: stop shaming the men who like us, stop letting us be portrayed by men.
After years of thinking on this issue, listening to survivors of assault, reading the reports, talking to countless trans women/sex workers, that’s the heart of this. Straight men kill trans women partners because other people, and culture as a whole, says it’s gay, less masculine, to be with us.
So shut it down. Shut down every person or conversation that claims trans women are “really” men, every media depiction with men playing us.
If y'all have other ideas, I’d love to hear them. I’ve seen endless “stop trans murders” posts but no suggestions as to how, or any accountability.
Just a reminder that not all homophobia is blatant, not all homophobia is extreme, not all homophobia is obvious.
Homophobia is not exclusive to religious groups angrily marching down streets with signs screaming “H*MOS GO TO HELL!” or the murder of LGBT+ people.
Homophobia can be subtle, and it can be just as harmful, if not worse.
Homophobia can be a “supportive” family member or friend being aggressively insistent that you must approach any girl/guy/etc. that you say is cute, even complete strangers, or they will for you.
Homophobia can be a “supportive” family member or friend telling you their listening when you’re talking about your struggles, or educating them, and acting as if they are when they aren’t.
Homophobia can be a “supportive” family member or friend challenging you to “Prove it!” though never out loud.
Homophobia can be a “supportive” family member or friend.
And just because they “love you,” and “support you outwardly,” just because they aren’t marching down the street protesting your existence, doesn’t mean they can’t hurt you.
A family member or friend, who is truly supportive will not only love and support you unconditionally, they will consciously work to broaden their understanding of your experiences. They will make an effort to listen when you speak, without ego, without judgment. They will apologize when necessary. They will mess up, but they will learn.
They will be willing to struggle with the homophobia our society has internalized into them — not for themselves, but for you.
Thisis what it means to be truly supportive. This is what you deserve.
the art of saying no was a numbing in our mouths. we learned how to form it gently, to swallow the punch, to let down with gentlest hands. we learned how to fake a smile, to force a chuckle, to take disgust and turn it into polite denial, to take fear and weigh our options and submit.
he said he needed sex because oh it hurt how we made him. he said we should have just smiled back at him. he said that we could have learned karate to fight them. he said that we couldn’t say no, he was our boyfriend.
how many girls are raised to feel guilty for no. we feel it must come with a reason. our no has to have qualifications. if our no isn’t enough, we are expected to cave in.
the battle of our inner strength and our outer bodies. how we calculate small injustice versus our personal safety. how we’d form no in small ways that made him feel like it was our fault. how we’d let him down in a way he wouldn’t follow us home. we’d say no without the words; lying about sudden appointments or phone calls, we’d invent husbands, we’d suddenly become best friends with the woman beside us. we always had someone waiting at home for us - usually big and angry - who would notice if we were missing. we enter in our phone numbers with the last two digits switched. we say we’re going to the bathroom we’ll be right back before we take off running.
and our no, those two letters, was never good enough. we either rejected him too harshly or not clearly. if we said no, we weren’t in love. the no was too forceful, the no was too gentle. the no meant ask nicely, the no meant keep persisting. the no was because we’re all catty and cruel and hate nice men. the no was because we’re all paranoid bitches. the no was wait long enough and it’s a yes. the no was playing hard to get.
and our life was learning. it amazes me sometimes when men tell me, “but she never said no” and i hear her story. how he was her boss and she would lose her job and it was her everything. how he said no but men aren’t allowed to refuse these things. i was thirteen the first time i had to spend a two hour train ride gently turning down a middle-aged man and someone else told me i should have just screamed or hit him or done something. how the girls i told all nodded solemnly because they know what it’s like to be thirteen and scared and to be eighteen and scared and how to be twenty-three and scared. because we’ve all said no and had it blow up in our faces. we’ve watched men turn from flirty to aggressive. we’ve seen what happens to our friends.
but in the end it’s our fault. don’t you know a man can’t take rejection.
Chay Reed is the NINTH reported transgender woman murdered this year…. If you aren’t angry then you aren’t paying attention. Protect trans women of colour at ALL costs. Rest in peace, and power Chay. 😔🙏🏻💕
This is why people don’t come out.
Rest in peace Ally Lee Steinfeld, a brave woman who was taken away from us too soon.
She had only been out a matter of months.
She was seventeen.
She will not be forgotten.
She will forever be a part of the Transgender community.
She will always be remember for being brave.
Guys, hurting someone over what they can’t change is disgusting and wrong.
Just a reminder to our cis allies: Transgender Day of Remembrance is NOT the trans equivalent of Gay Pride. We aren’t throwing parades. We aren’t throwing parties. We aren’t celebrating.
We are reading the names of our dead. We are trying to make it clear that more than half of all LGBTQIA non-suicide deaths are murdered trans women. These are almost entirely trans women of color. We are mourning our dead and raising awareness of the danger and presumed disposability of trans lives.
We’re drawing the clear line of cause to effect between the transphobia that pervades our culture and society and the murders of trans women of color. When you’re pointing out the routine dehumanization of trans people, when you’re talking about the transphobia suffused through all of the news coverage of trans people (and the conflation of trans people and Intersex people - see the coverage of Taylor Leann Chandler today), make sure you’re pointing out how it directly leads to violent murders and the lack of investigation and urgency in solving those murders.
We have exactly one state in which defense attorneys are prohibited from using the “Trans Panic” defense to justify their clients’ murdering trans women. It’s routine for women who manage to survive attempts on their life to be arrested and jailed (usually in men’s prisons) for daring to defend themselves.
The goal of Transgender Day of Remembrance is to create a world in which it no longer needs to exist. Raising awareness is great, but make sure you know what you’re raising awareness of on TDOR. Talk about the poor trans women of color and LOUDLY value their lives, don’t just advocate for middle class trans women and trans men. Go ahead and talk about how 50% of LGBTQIA homeless youth are trans, how they get kicked out of their homes and put in dangerous living situations because they are trans. Talk about how 41% of trans people have attempted suicide. Talk about how many people are dying through those means, but don’t you dare forget the trans women of color whose lives we are recognizing and whose deaths we are mourning today. Make sure you’re talking about the link between them.
if an artist draws child porn or trans people being murdered then the fact that “they’re actually a good person!!” becomes irrelevant and frankly i don’t understand why some people are so adamant about wanting to keep supporting them
Until cis people — especially heteronormative men — are able to interrogate their own toxic masculinity and realize their own gender performance is literally killing trans women, cis men will continue to persecute trans women and blame them for their own deaths. If you think trans women should disclose and “be honest,” then why don’t you work on making the damn world safe for us to exist in the first place? The “I’d kill a woman if I found out” rhetoric is precisely why so many women hold themselves so tight — the stigma and shame attached to our desires need to be abolished.
We must navigate difficult conversations about desire and identity, about the fact that trans girls exist, and for as long as we’ve existed we’ve been desired by men (including high-profile ones who won’t ever own their desires) who are not working toward gaining the tools to deal with their attraction. And just so we are clear: Just because you find me and my sisters attractive does not mean we desire you. You never could.
You're acting like women don't get offended when a man they think is out of their league "dares" to speak to them. How not to be an asshole goes both ways you know.
The difference is, there’s literally a systemic pattern of straight men behaving like this, and it’s socially acceptable for them to do so.
Women as a group usually turn guys down as politely as humanly possible, because men routinely commit violence against or even murder women for saying no, thanks to a fucking epidemic of lethally toxic male entitlement. Of course, it’s hard to be as polite as a guy wants when what he considers “polite” includes, at a minimum, lots of compliments and reassurances with his “no”, regardless of how repulsively he’s acted toward you – and often, for you to “give him a chance” because “how can you know you won’t like him?”
And people will go along with it. Women often face social sanctions from entire social groups for turning down men not-gently-enough or for saying no at all. Women murdered by men for saying no are often blamed after their deaths; people will say “Wow, why didn’t she give him a chance and avoid all this?” even with literal proof that the man she was saying no to was willing to commit murder.
Women as a group also face social stigma for approaching men even if they otherwise suit his preferences, because of ridiculous social rules that say to approach a man means the woman must be “desperate”.
But it’s far worse for people who don’t suit a guy’s preferences, because the idea of being associated with socially marginalized groups is so repellent to men that they can become physically violent - and they often get away with it.
Trans women bear the brunt of this, as men have routinely successfully argued in court that they had no choice but to commit murder because a woman who flirted etc with them happened to be trans. Gay men, too, face huge risk if they accidentally flirt with a straight man, because again, straight men literally get away with just saying “I was so grossed out I panicked! So I shouldn’t face repercussions for committing violence!” (Look up the gay and trans panic defenses.)
Like, yes, women are capable of meanness too, but you’re ignoring the entire cultural context of male entitlement that discourages women from even saying no at all, because just saying no is considered “mean”. Women who have the social power to feel safe being as cruel as men are to women they aren’t attracted to, are generally acting on other axes of privilege, like a white woman being horrible to a man of colour.
When I gender my social commentary, it’s because I’m pointing out a trend that falls along gendered lines. There will often be individual exceptions, but there is a gendered pattern to this behaviour that shouldn’t be ignored.
Ur thoughts/hcs on trans lance? Tbh that's my fave hc catch me self projecting on my fave 😤😤👏👏
I can dig it
First off, him and pidge are trans siblings jot that down.
He’s made her a few dresses but she hasn’t worn them that much (They’re so fucking pretty and special to her she’s afraid she’ll ruin them so she only wears them on super special occasions)
Lance bonds a bit with the yellow lion as well (The yellow lion is trans confirmed) and since it’s hunk’s lion they hit it off pretty well since all they do is talk about how great hunk is.
Shiro is trans and they bond over that, plus Lance teaches him how to knit so he can get better dexterity with his fingers since it’s not a full 100% on that yet.
Blue wastes no fucking time in commenting on how handsome her boy is all the time. Lance is forever flustered because she’s acting like a total mom and he loves her for it.
When he switches over to red however, Red doesn’t really do that.
There are days where Lance is feeling dysphoric and a little down so she kinda gets angry and starts yelling at people, demanding that the one who hurt her handsome, precious boy come forward so she can roast them…literally.
Lance laughs at that and his mood brightens alot after that. Unbeknownst to him she was not kidding one bit and is still actively trying to find the person or persons that made him feel that way. She just wants to talk she swears.
Lots went wrong at the Oscars this year. One mistake that Patricia Arquette called out right away: her sister, transgender actress Alexis Arquette, who died in September with more than 70 screen credits to her name, was not included in the Oscars’ annual “In Memoriam” segment.
“I was really pissed off the academy left out my sister Alexis in the memoriam, because Alexis had a great body of work, but Alexis was one of very few trans artists that worked in the business,” she told ABC News.
“At a time when we have trans kids that can’t even go to the bathroom at school, you would think the academy would have a little bit more respect for a group of people that are murdered, and trans women of color are most likely to live in extreme poverty, making $800 a month, so I think the Oscars have a lot of learning to do.”
“You should fuck her to make her realize she’s gay.” He said this about me during a cast and crew “meet and greet” before we began filming, X Men: The Last Stand. I was eighteen years old. He looked at a woman standing next to me, ten years my senior, pointed to me and said: “You should fuck her to make her realize she’s gay.” He was the film’s director, Brett Ratner.
I was a young adult who had not yet come out to myself. I knew I was gay, but did not know, so to speak. I felt violated when this happened. I looked down at my feet, didn’t say a word and watched as no one else did either. This man, who had cast me in the film, started our months of filming at a work event with this horrific, unchallenged plea. He “outed” me with no regard for my well-being, an act we all recognize as homophobic. I proceeded to watch him on set say degrading things to women. I remember a woman walking by the monitor as he made a comment about her “flappy pussy”.
We are all entitled to come into an awareness of our sexual orientation privately and on our own terms. I was young and although already a working actor for so long I had in many ways been insulated, growing up on film sets instead of surrounded by my peers. This public, aggressive outing left me with long standing feelings of shame, one of the most destructive results of homophobia. Making someone feel ashamed of who they are is a cruel manipulation, designed to oppress and repress. I was robbed of more than autonomy over my ability to define myself. Ratner’s comment replayed in my mind many times over the years as I encountered homophobia and coped with feelings of reluctance and uncertainty about the industry and my future in it. The difference is that I can now assert myself and use my voice to to fight back against the insidious queer and transphobic attitude in Hollywood and beyond. Hopefully having the position I have, I can help people who may be struggling to be accepted and allowed to be who they are –to thrive. Vulnerable young people without my advantages are so often diminished and made to feel they have no options for living the life they were meant to joyously lead.
I got into an altercation with Brett at a certain point. He was pressuring me, in front of many people, to don a t-shirt with “Team Ratner” on it. I said no and he insisted. I responded, “I am not on your team.” Later in the day, producers of the film came to my trailer to say that I “couldn’t talk like that to him.” I was being reprimanded, yet he was not being punished nor fired for the blatantly homophobic and abusive behavior we all witnessed. I was an actor that no one knew. I was eighteen and had no tools to know how to handle the situation.
I have been a professional actor since the age of ten. I’ve had the good fortune to work with many honorable and respectful collaborators both behind and in front of the camera. But the behavior I’m describing is ubiquitous. They (abusers), want you to feel small, to make you insecure, to make you feel like you are indebted to them, or that your actions are to blame for their unwelcome advances.
When I was sixteen a director took me to dinner (a professional obligation and a very common one). He fondled my leg under the table and said, “You have to make the move, I can’t.” I did not make the move and I was fortunate to get away from that situation. It was a painful realization: my safety was not guaranteed at work. An adult authority figure for whom I worked intended to exploit me, physically. I was sexually assaulted by a grip months later. I was asked by a director to sleep with a man in his late twenties and to tell them about it. I did not. This is just what happened during my sixteenth year, a teenager in the entertainment industry.
Look at the history of what’s happened to minors who’ve described sexual abuse in Hollywood. Some of them are no longer with us, lost to substance abuse and suicide. Their victimizers? Still working. Protected even as I write this. You know who they are; they’ve been discussed behind closed doors as often as Weinstein was. If I, a person with significant privilege, remain reluctant and at such risk simply by saying a person’s name, what are the options for those who do not have what I have?
Let’s remember the epidemic of violence against women in our society disproportionately affects low income women, particularly women of color, trans and queer women and indigenous women, who are silenced by their economic circumstances and profound mistrust of a justice system that acquits the guilty in the face of overwhelming evidence and continues to oppress people of color. I have the means to hire security if I feel threatened. I have the wealth and insurance to receive mental health care. I have the privilege of having a platform that enables me to write this and have it published, while the most marginalized do not have access to such resources. The reality is, women of color, trans and queer and indigenous women have been leading this fight for decades (forever actually). Marsha P. Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, Winona LaDuke, Miss Major, Audre Lorde, bell hooks, to name a few. Misty Upham fought tirelessly to end violence against indigenous women, domestic workers and undocumented women. Misty was found dead at the bottom of a cliff three years ago. Her father, Charles Upham, just made a Facebook post saying she was raped at a party by a Miramax executive. The most marginalized have been left behind. As a cis, white lesbian, I have benefited and have the privileges I have, because of these extraordinary and courageous individuals who have led the way and risked their lives while doing so. White supremacy continues to silence people of color, while I have the rights I have because of these leaders. They are who we should be listening to and learning from.
These abusers make us feel powerless and overwhelmed by their empire. Let’s not forget the sitting Supreme Court justice and President of the United States. One accused of sexual harassment by Anita Hill, whose testimony was discredited. The other proudly describing his own pattern of assault to an entertainment reporter. How many men in the media – titans of industry - need to be exposed for us to understand the gravity of the situation and to demand the fundamental safety and respect that is our right?
Bill Cosby was known to be predatory. The crimes were his, but many were complicit. Many more chose to look the other way. Harvey was known to be predatory. The crimes were his, but many were complicit. Many more chose to look the other way. We continue to celebrate filmmaker Roman Polanski, who was convicted of drugging and anally raping a young girl and who fled sentencing. A fugitive from justice. I’ve heard the industry decry Weinstein’s behavior and vow to affect meaningful change. But let’s be truthful: the list is long and still protected by the status quo. We have work to do. We cannot look the other way.
I did a Woody Allen movie and it is the biggest regret of my career. I am ashamed I did this. I had yet to find my voice and was not who I am now and felt pressured, because “of course you have to say yes to this Woody Allen film.” Ultimately, however, it is my choice what films I decide to do and I made the wrong choice. I made an awful mistake.
I want to see these men have to face what they have done. I want them to not have power anymore. I want them to sit and think about who they are without their lawyers, their millions, their fancy cars, houses upon houses, their “playboy” status and swagger.
What I want the most, is for this to result in healing for the victims. For Hollywood to wake up and start taking some responsibility for how we all have played a role in this. I want us to reflect on this endemic issue and how this power dynamic of abuse leads to an enormous amount of suffering. Violence against women is an epidemic in this country and around the world. How is this cascade of immorality and injustice shaping our society? One of the greatest risks to a pregnant woman’s health in the United States is murder. Trans women of color in this country have a life expectancy of thirty-five. Why are we not addressing this as a society? We must remember the consequences of such actions. Mental health issues, suicide, eating disorders, substance abuse, to name a few.
What are we afraid to say and why can’t we say it? Women, particularly the most marginalized, are silenced, while powerful abusers can scream as loudly as they want, lie as much as they want and continue to profit through it all.
This is a long awaited reckoning. It must be. It’s sad that“codes of conduct” have to be enforced to ensure we experience fundamental human decency and respect. Inclusion and representation are the answer. We’ve learned that the status quo perpetuates unfair, victimizing behavior to protect and perpetuate itself. Don’t allow this behavior to be normalized. Don’t compare wrongs or criminal acts by their degrees of severity. Don’t allow yourselves to be numb to the voices of victims coming forward. Don’t stop demanding our civil rights. I am grateful to anyone and everyone who speaks out against abuse and trauma they have suffered. You are breaking the silence. You are revolution.
Im so tired of posts that argue “well maybe you wouldnt be so oppressed if you were nicer to the people who oppress you.” As though they cracked the code.
As though homophobia was created when too many gay assholes were mean to the straight folk, as though the world was idyllic and perfect until women forced men to hate them by being so mean, as though trans people get murdered because they just werent nice enough and if black people could be more polite racism would go away, as though oppressed groups somehow threw the first stone and are somehow responsible for fixing things.