“If you could go back in time, what would you do differently? ” he asked with a smirk.
I let the question sink in before answering. It was a question we all wish would come true.
“I would’ve stayed. ” I pause.
“And if I couldn’t stay, then I would want to stay at least for a few more minutes, seconds even. ”
“Why? ” he wasn’t smiling this time. He leaned closer.
I took a deep breath.
“Because that’s what we normally regret in the end, isn’t it? Not staying long enough. Not saying enough. It’s never going to be enough. And I believe that if I did stay, eventually that wouldn’t be enough either. ”
I averted my eyes away from his and looked at my hands before answering.
“So, if I could have lingered a bit longer, I know it wouldn’t be enough. But it would make all the difference. ”
I know one day I’ll stop thinking about you. One day, I’ll forget you, forget it all. I won’t remember how your hand felt in mine or your smile or the way your eyes glinted whenever they looked at me. I won’t remember our stupid inside jokes and the songs we sang and the places we went and all of our late night conversations will just be a blur.
One day, I won’t love you anymore.
And that’s what scares me the most.
I never fucking wanted to forget you but what choice do I have now?
I see it fitting and proper to inform you that
I won’t write about you forever
You will grow old like autumn leaves
As you illuminate the trees
in the center of my soul
Then fall to the pit of my stomach
when it gets cold
We were composed of the most beautiful symphonies. He would say I love you like it was an easier concept than to breathe. It all just flowed naturally. So for the longest time, I thought it was him that I needed but it was me. And I have experienced storms far greater than the ones he has blown my way. In the distance I can see a calm sea. I know maybe not now but really soon that I will be okay.
I never thought twice about the color brown before I met you. Then I loved you and the brown of your eyes was all that I saw. It became the most breathtaking shade of the entire spectrum. Then you left and I stopped drinking coffee because I can no longer stand staring down at the deep brown milkiness.
I am lonely as hell. But I would choose being alone forever over being with somebody who can’t make my heart bite my chest when they squeeze my hand. I am impatient as hell. I don’t wait for my water to boil before I use it for my tea. My pants are usually still damp when I put them on because the dryer hasn’t had time to finish. But I swear to God I will wait for that feeling. I am lonely and I am impatient but I am stubborn and I know what I want and I’m still trying to convince myself that it’s worth it to get what I deserve this time. The thought of love does that to a person.
The funny thing about humans is their sense of invincibility. You don’t buckle your seat or you skip a meal and laugh it off and think you will be fine but then you self-destruct every time somebody looks at you the wrong way or a group of girls laugh at the exact moment when you walk by. You break your leg and know that you will heal but then you break your heart and suddenly the world has collapsed. You fail that course in high school and shrug because you can take it again but then you fall short of the expectations you set for yourself and told nobody about and you think this is it for you. The funny thing about humans is their sense of invincibility because it seems that it is only okay to be hurt when we get to decide what hurts us.