I know one day I’ll stop thinking about you. One day, I’ll forget you, forget it all. I won’t remember how your hand felt in mine or your smile or the way your eyes glinted whenever they looked at me. I won’t remember our stupid inside jokes and the songs we sang and the places we went and all of our late night conversations will just be a blur.
One day, I won’t love you anymore.
And that’s what scares me the most.
I never fucking wanted to forget you but what choice do I have now?
as we drove down the street I thought about how I still can’t fucking drive, and I watched you in your ray bans and ponytail from the corner of my eye and listened to you sing to the radio and thought about how that could be me but it’s not. and then I remembered that you’re not going to be around for forever, and then I looked out the window and your voice brought me back as your talked about a guy, and in my head all I’m doing is reassuring you that you’re better than any guy you talk to deserves and I know you don’t believe that, but I agree with you about whatever you’re saying, and I remember that you’re leaving, and I know it’s what you’ve waited for forever and I’m so excited for your life and I think about how I hope you live it; but now I’m looking at the setting sun and looking back on our day and trying to figure out why there has always been the perfect degree of tension between us that I think is what keeps us friends because without the tension we would be boring but I can’t ever figure out what it is and sometimes, it’s like I could cut it with a knife but other times it flickers out and either way it’s good and I hope you’re happy when you leave and it’ll all be alright I promise you.
dear you, i love you more than anything in the universe, and i want you to know that that includes little local coffee shops and stamps that can’t be found anywhere but old corner stores where they should be worth hundreds but they are sold for dimes and the tails airplanes leave when they are chasing bigger things and i’ve heard that you’re doing well and i want you to know that i, too, am doing the best that i can, especially on days when i feel as if i have poured rocks in through my ears and crawled in with my underwear for a ride in the washing machine.
dear you, i love you more than anything in this world and sometimes that’s a terrifying thing to feel because my heart’s less than one quarter of who i am and i feel so small sometimes and i wonder if maybe love is a concept created by companies that sell things made out of lace and latex and chocolate and i’m scared that i’m going to wrap myself around you like a boa constrictor and swallow you whole and i don’t think you’d like that much because it would take a long time to digest you and it would be very dark in there.
dear you, i love you more than anything in this whole country and i don’t mean to be unpatriotic but i don’t understand politics and i know loving you isn’t even legal every where that it should be but it’s getting late and i wish you would come home now please come home because if you’re out of arms reach then you’re too far away and i am terrible at directions. i thought i had been taking wrong turns my whole life but i must have done something right to have wound up meeting you.
dear you, i love you more than anything in this whole town and this town is where i was born and where i was raised and where my family lives and the reason i exist. i owe everything i am to this town because it’s where my parents met and decided to have me and i’m thinking that i should thank them because that simple act is the reason i’m around to love you the way that i do, in ways where it feels like i’ve been laying down for sixteen hours and then i stand straight up and i black out for a good four or five seconds and i’m floating through space but things are okay because although i feel crazy and dizzy and out of control, my feet are still firmly planted on the ground and i am here and i’m not going anywhere.
dear you, i love you more than anything in my whole house. i love you more than the crappy art i’ve made that hangs half-finished on my walls and i love you more than my favourite food that sits tauntingly from my freezer and i love you more than the bathtub that allows me to have the bubble baths you and i adore so much and i love you more than the bed that hugs me tenderly every night and i love you more than my watch collection. you are my favourite piece of art and my favourite food and my favourite bath and my favourite bed and my favourite watch and i don’t care if it doesn’t make sense because you are my favourite everything and that’s what matters. you are my favourite.
dear you, i love you more than anything that i have in me and everything i have to offer but i want you to know that i have so much in me and i know you’re going to pick through me bit by bit because you are the one person that believes there is a speck of gold amongst the dust and coal that i am and no longer wish to be.
But in the end, the only thing I knew was that I loved you and you knew it. But it still wasn’t enough to make you stay. That’s all I’m left with. That’s all I know. And you know what? I think I’m finally okay with that.
Maybe I’ll never know why you did it, but I realized I don’t need to anymore//
People say you never know what you have till it’s gone. But fuck that stupid excuse. You knew what you had. You knew I loved you. You knew yet it wasn’t enough for you until you realized that I wasn’t there anymore, that I didn’t love you the same way anymore.
You didn’t suddenly “realize” my worth. You just started worrying that you might have lost control of me. And you know what? You did.
If you love someone, set them free. If they loved you back, they wouldn’t go.