Twelve lovely villages out on the old moor that are absolutely worth a visit
1. Bibbling Green. This charming rustic spot is home to a shade of green found nowhere else. Popular with painters and environmentalists. Bring a bucket, you can take some home.
2. Firencestermonceux. Pronounced ‘Fecken’. Nobody has ever been murdered by being thrown from the humble steeple of the local church. You cannot afford to live here. Buy a hanging basket.
3. Gentleman’s Knob End. Extremely proper village. Come and see our massive maypole.
4. Upper Lowering. Watch pigs wander across the beautiful village square whilst you feast on local cheese. Maybe watch the local dramatic society re-enact the Odyssey whilst you do it. Oops, you’re now a pig. Tremendous realism, also very villagey.
5. Little Snorenham. Pretty as a picture, because it is a picture. We painted it on the back of the local rotating parts warehouse, hope you appreciate the thatched cottages, they took ages. Perfect for selfies.
6. Porp. Come for the cream teas, stay for the cream teas, never leave because you are chained to a cream tea. World’s foremost cream tea dungeon. Very popular with connoisseurs.
7. Drizzlage. Only town on the moor to have a mathematically-impossible town square. Make sure not to park your car on the South side or it will be divided by zero while you have lunch at the cafe. Make sure to visit the garlic shoppe whilst you are there.
8. Gurning Norton. Actually, don’t.
9. Haunted Borehole, Upper Moor. You may hear some people call this a bit of a hole. They would be wrong. It is a whole hole. Charmingly rustic phantoms will seize your luggage and throw it down a ten-metre minicliff. Perfect for the adventurous. Coach parties welcome.
10. Fnarpham. We made up this village, because it is raining and anyone who has been out looking at villages all day is probably sheltering by the fire in an inn not out looking for Fnarpham. Unless you are looking for Fnarpham, of course, in which case sorry.
11. Trap. This is actually a trap and not to be confused with Trap, the lovely village on the next map sheet along. The road gets narrower and narrower until finally you are eaten by a mutant hedge. Very vigorous blackthorn in this area, you could probably make an excellent sloe gin.
12. Sillage Borp (Lower). Take this village home, it’s drunk.