tough&tender

I can’t say that I’m 100% happy with this episode or storyline so far, because I’m not. But what I’m not going to tolerate is people hating on Cami for her actions this episode.

One thing we need to keep in mind is that Cami DIED. She was forced to take her own life, in a very similar matter that was forced upon her twin brother, Sean. And taking her own life wasn’t enough, she was also forced to wake up into a nightmare that she obviously never wanted or never got the chance to decide if it was something she would ever even want. She lost all control of her life.

With that being said, another thing to keep in mind is that she has been a vampire for a day guys, A DAY. there hasn’t been a single vampire that got a grasp on vampirism that fast, not even Caroline, who killed someone after she turned or Elena who’s entire transition was fucked because of a sire bond. And Hayley who’s transition was in the midst of a battle to save her child. So no, nobody’s transition into vampirism has been all that pretty and Cami’s is no exception.

Cami is going to have to find out who she is as a vampire, she’s going to have to find that balance that works for her. Her vampirism heightened who she is, and truth be told a part of who Cami was has always had some manipulation in her, remember who she manipulated Finn into thinking she liked him so they could trap him? She’s always been snarky and blunt and said what she felt, well now it’s all amplified and we are seeing that play out on screen to an extreme degree that makes Cami seem well, like a different person. (Personally, I do feel like they exaggerated her heightened self a tad too much, but that’s a writing flaw and not a character flaw in my opinion.) And right now, all she wants to do is have fun and relish in her vampirism. She likes the feeling that drinking blood gives her, she likes the power that she now has because for so long she’s been the one used and manipulated and to be be protected by those around her, but now she gets to do all of those things and it feels good to her. Do I think this is what she wants? No. But I think right now, this is what she needs to feel, she lost control and now she needs to feel that control of her life again and Klaus hounding her and breathing down her neck and trying to police her every move is not helping. Sure she stole the white oak toy, but her intentions was never to hurt him or his family with it, he took something form her and she used it as leverage to get it back. Something she’s seen Klaus do too many times to count.

She needs time to adjust and a reality check but I don’t think Klaus will be the one to directly give it to her because I think she feels like Klaus is partly to blame, although I think more than anything she blames herself and her acting the way she is is part of her escape from having to feel that pain of blaming herself. Klaus just needs to be there for her but also give her space to breathe. She’s been there for him through all of his bullshit so it’s the very least that he could do for her while she figures this out  and anyone thinking otherwise can do a split on a cactus tbh.

It’s the moment I’m curled up on his chest monitoring his heart beat every second or so. The warmth of his fingertips touching my neck and mouth. The amount of force he puts in to bring me close to his face. The way his eyes look at every part of my face as if it were illuminating stars. He tilts his head and supports my face with his one hand. The way his lips tighten up to meet mine, opening to reach other parts of my mouth. His hands grabbing on to my waist and pulling me closer to his body, to feel each others presence. The way he stops in the middle of a kiss to tell me in the most gentle way that he loves me while inches apart. Feel my cheeks blushing up and eyes fall to say I love you too. The way I rise to get closer and press my lips again on his. The warmth of his makes me want more and more by the second. It’s impossible to get enough of him, his touch, his warmth, his voice, eyes, body, every detail in face. All something from him to love even more. The deep affection we both feel for each other makes everything in the room stop for just a little bit and focus everything on us.
—  Little things you make me think of -Jarissa
Praises to those who stand by others when the going gets tough, when the body is unwell, when the money is gone, when the structures collapse, when the judgments are most negative. Praises to those empathic people who can see past our circumstances to our divine nature. Where would we be without our rainy day people? Try to imagine a world without them. Kudos to those who make a point of supporting others in their time of need.
—  Jeff Brown
my shitty star wars au chapter 14 kylo ren needs to chill

@juulna sorry it came so late, darling


Rey was having the most fun of her life. Matt the Radar Technician was like, the coolest person ever. She giggled softly to herself before sliding lower behind the tree. Hide and go seek was clearly the best idea she had ever had. Even if Matt apparently wasn’t a fan.

“REY! REY, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! STOP HIDING AND COME BACK!”

She heard a vague crash from a few feet away and clapped her hands over her mouth, laughing. This was totally the best idea she had ever come up with drunk.

Except maybe fucking up Kylo Ren’s wardrobe. That was a pretty good one, too.

*meanwhile*

Finn was having the least fun of his life. And that was saying something.

“Give him back!”, growled Phasma, tugging hard on his arm.

“In your fucked up dreams!” sneered Poe, tugging back harder on the other arm.

“This is ridiculous. Please let me go.”

They proceeded to ignore him. Sighing, he tried to remain as limp as possible. His arms were getting sore. Where the fuck was Rey when you needed her?

*where the fuck Rey was*

“Gotcha!”

Matt grabbed Rey’s arm, pulling her up with an exasperated expression on his face.

“Rey, we don’t have time for games right now. We can play on the ship.”

“Noooooooo!” she whined, sitting down to make herself as heavy as possible. 

Kylo Ren privately wondered what he had done to deserve this. The universe laughed in response to his query.

“Rey if we don’t get on the ship soon, then-”

“Wait,” Rey’s face scrunched up adorably in confusion, “Why are we gettin’ on a ship, anyways? You’re s’pposed to take me back to my room. This isn’t there.”

Matt froze nervously.

“uh-”

“Are we lost?”

He let loose a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, Rey. we’re totally lost. But lucky for us, there’s a ship in that direction! With nav charts! So we’re gonna be just fine.”

Rey nodded, pacified, before stopping and shaking her head. 

“No, I was just here yesterday. There isn’t a ship here!”

“Dammit Rey, yes there is.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yes, there is!”

“Nope.”

“Yes!”

“No. I woulda remembered.”

“ARRRGHHH!” Matt threw up his arms in frustration and proceeded to try to beat up a tree. 

Rey squinted. This was very familiar. How did she know this guy?

“OW!” 

The blonde shook his apparently sprained fingers, jumping around in pain. His wig became loose.

Frowning in suspicion, the young Jedi stalked about to the whining man.

“Hey, Rey, what are you do-NO WAIT DON’T!”

She ripped the wig off and gasped.

“KYLO?”

“Oh, shit.”

*back with Finn the Human Tug-Of-War*

“ALRIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

Finn ripped his arm away from the two angry duelists.

“I am a goddamn person, NOT A ROPE. My arms are gonna be sore for a week now. I hope you’re happy.”

Poe looked down, slightly embarrassed. Phasma showed no expression whatsoever. Finn sighed.

“Look, it’s. Weirdly touching that you’re doing this, but there’s literally no point. Poe didn’t seduce me away, Phasma. He was part of it, sure, but he wasn’t my main motivation. The truth is, I never fit in there. You know that! But, here, fighting, helping people? This is where I belong! I’m not going back to the First Order. I’d rather die, Phasmom.”

Poe and the captain stared at him.

“What?”

“Finn, buddy, you just called her Phasmom.”

“What? No I didn’t.”

“The tiny rogue is right.” 

“I am not that small!” he spat, straightening up to stare up at her.

Way up at her.

She was a fucking giant.

He felt very conflicted.

Shaking his head, the pilot turned back to Finn.

“But yeah, you totally called her Phasmom.”

“No I did not!”

“It’s alright, cadet. You think of me as a mother figure. It’s understandable.”

“NO, I DON’T, AND I DIDN’T CALL YOU PHASMOM!”

Phasma set her hand on his shoulder.

“Of course you didn’t. Now how about you and the traitorous scum you’ve been fraternizing with go and get a snack.”

“Yeah, ok. WAIT, NO!”

Poe laughed.

“Ha. She’s totally your mom.” He then froze as realization sunk in.

“Oh, fuck. I’m dating the son of a crazy space nazi.”

“I assure you, vermin, I am perfectly sane.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Good.”

Finn cut into the exchange. 

“This is nice and all, but where the fuck is Rey?”

“An excellent question.”

The three turned around to see Leia, Luke and Chewie standing behind them. 

“Ah. I see you’re back from your suspiciously convenient tea party in space.”

Leia crossed her arms and gave her best Mom Glare. Phasma was undaunted and responded with one of her own. The tension grew.

And broke with a small smile.

“Impressive.” Leia remarked.

“I could say the same to you, General. Hello, Luke. I can’t say it’s particularly nice to see you, but I am pleased none the less.”

“’Sup, Captain P.”

Poe and Finn shared a glance. ‘Captain P?’ they mouthed.

“You brought my bitch of a nephew with you, so I’ll have to say the same. Except the pleased part. Seriously, how could you do that. You know I have issues managing my stress because of that punk. It’s bad enough without my incense around!”

“Luke, calm down.”

“Leia, he’s YOUR son. You can defend him all you want. But he’s only my nephew, so if I want to call him a punk-ass bitch, I damn well will.”

“Be that as it may, we still don’t know what they’re doing here.”

Phasma took on a countenance of stone.

“They’re here for Rey,” Finn chimed in, happy to have someone listen to him after the last half hour of useless pleading to be let go.

“Well Ren is,” Phasma huffed, “I’m mostly here for these two. Technically only the head of that rebel snake,” Poe did his very best to not look pleased with himself and failed, “But Ren is very adamant on bringing the girl with him. Asked me to be the Maid of Honor at the initiation ceremony.”

Luke looked confused. “The Sith have no initiation ceremony.”

“That would explain why it sounded like a wedding, then.”

“That aside,” Leia interjected, “We must find them, and quickly. Who knows. I may yet be able to win back my son from that evil man’s seductions to rebellion.”

Finn looked vaguely sick.

“I don’t think they mean that kind of seduce,” whispered Poe.

Finn sighed, relieved.

A glint came to Phasma’s eye.

“Did you say a man seduced your son to rebellion?”

*back to Rey and Not-Matt*

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

Kylo fliched back, still cradling his hand, before remembering himself and yelling back.

“I’M RESCUING YOU, OBVIOUSLY! Honestly, Rey, why else would I come so close to these Light-Side goody-two-shoes?”

Rey glared, still angry.

“Then why the hell did you have to disguise yourself?”

“Well, this might have escaped you, but MY MOTHER RUNS THE BASE!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME!”

“YOU STARTED IT!”

Rey pushed him before sitting down on the ground and crying. Kylo stared, mouth open, before becoming deeply uncomfortable.

“Uh. I mean. Um. Rey?” He twitched, looking around and fiddling with his hair.

“Rey. Please. Just. Please stop crying. Rey, this is really unnecessary.”

“Your face is unnecessary!” she choked out, still sobbing drunkenly.

“Dammit, Rey! Please stop. I’ll even apologize. I’m sorry. Look, I said it, I’m sorry. I don’t know what for, but-”

“Matt was my friend! And now he’s dead! And you killed him!”

“What? Is that what you’re crying about? Rey, Matt wasn’t even real!”

“YOU KILLED HIM BY EXISTING!” 

Kylo let out a grunt of frustration.

“Now I know what Hux is always bitching about,” he muttered.

“Hux? Where’s Hux? I want to see him. I like Hux. His hair is pretty.”

Kylo glared indignantly. 

“His hair is not that pretty, Rey.”

“Your just jealous because you dye yours.”

He let out a gasp, shock and offense stamped so deeply into his face one could mail it. 

“I DO NOT- REY. REY LISTEN TO ME. MY HAIR COLOR IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GENUINE. WHO EVEN TOLD YOU THAT? WAS IT HUX? IT WAS HUX WASN’T IT. I’LL KILL HIM.”

“STOP KILLING MY FRIENDS! First Han, then Matt…And you almost crippled  Finn! Thank the stars for bacta. Did you know that shit can heal nerves and muscle tissue? It’s crazy.”

“Alright, I’m going to say this again Rey. Matt. Did not. Exist. There is no Matt the Radar Technician, Rey. Search your heart. You know it to be true.”

“My heart thinks you’re a dick.”

“You are clearly intoxicated.”

“That’s true.”

“You have no idea what you’re saying.”

“That is less true.”

“Look Rey, my mother has clearly brain washed you. I can help set you free, but I need to take you with my. My mother and Uncle Luke got back from their suspiciously convenient tea party in space, I can sense it, so we need to leave, and fast. I’m taking you with me, whether you like it or not. You’ll thank me for it someday.”

“Actually,” came a voice from behind, “Neither of you are going anywhere.”

Kylo Ren turned face fist in an electric blast.

Leia looked at Phasma, concerned. 

“Don’t worry General,” the Captain said, “I set it to stun.”

Luke laughed uproariously. 

“Did you see his face? And look! Look, he’s twitching! This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Rey stood up, kicking Kylo before walking over to greet her master.

“I distracted him for as long as I could, Master. As soon as I sensed your return I held him up for as long as I could.”

“You did very well, Padawan. I am very proud.”

Leia crouched by her son’s laid out form, brushing the hair from his face.

“Ben Chewbacca Padmé Solo,” she intoned, “We are going to have a very long talk about this.”

Kylo hissed at her.

“Young man, I did not raise a cat!”

Rey rejoined Finn and Poe, leaning on them both.

“Hey Poe,” she whispered, still tipsy. “What’s a cat?”

The pilot froze, staring at the girl with a breaking heart.

“You’ve. You’ve never seen a cat before?”

“Nuh-uh.” She shook her head. “Can you eat it?”

A small sob caught in his throat.

“I don’t know either,” added Finn. 

Poe’s face was a wreck of grief and disbelief. 

“I can’t believe this is happening. No, Rey. You don’t eat cats. You love them and hug them and give them food.”

“Oh,” her face wrinkled, “Ren’s definitely not a cat then. Finn, you’re my cat. You too, Poe. You’re both my cats now.”

“Aww. You too, Rey!”

Finn and Rey beamed at each other, proud of their new knowledge.

Poe sighed.

“No, guys. That’s. That’s not how it- Fuck it. I’ll show you both later. Yeah, you’re both my cats too.”

“Yay!” Rey cheered, “Master Luke! Guess what! Me and Finn are Poe’s cats!”

Luke cleared his throat.

“That’s a bit more than I needed to know about your love life, Padawan, but thanks for sharing.”

“Ren isn’t a cat, though. Ren isn’t anybody’s cat.”

“No, he certainly isn’t.”

“I can’t believe his middle name is Padmé!” Finn laughed.

“Finn, you don’t even have a middle name. Or a last name, for that matter.” Rey pointed out.

“Neither do you” he muttered.

Kylo groaned.

“You know, you can eat cats.” remarked Phasma. “They are edible. A delicacy even, on some planets.”

Poe stared at her, horrified.

“We aren’t that kind of species,” Rey assured him. “We don’t eat family members.”

“That said, I must return to the ship. If anyone asks, I will say he was captured and there was nothing I can do. I suspect a holiday will be declared.”

“Oooo! Send us a post card!” Rey chirped. 

“I’ll leave that to Hux. Farewell, Luke. General. Thief. Finn.” If she stumbled over the name, no one said anything.

With that she turned to go.

“You could stay,” Finn muttered.

The captain paused.

“I wish you the best of luck in your new endeavors, and all the best to you and your tiny rebel whore.”

Finn wrestled himself before rushing forward to hug her. Phasma stiffened before patting him awkwardly on the back.

“Your place is here, cadet. But mine is not. Even if my programming did allow it.” With that she pushed him away, though not unkindly.

She turned and put on her helmet before walking out of sight.

She then turned back.

“The ship is this way,” she muttered.

Silence filled the forest.

“Well that was dramatic,” Rey stated.

“I’m getting tiny rebel whore put on a shirt,” Poe grinned.

Kylo sighed dramatically.

Luke made sure Leia’s attention was elsewhere befor quickly kicking him in the ribs.

What I really love about Lexa and Clarke is that Lexa KNOWS that she is physically stronger than Clarke but she would NEVER lay a forceful finger on her. Even when Clarke is grabbing her, pressing a knife against her throat, forcefully pushing her away and basically just aggravating her in general Lexa would never retaliate the same way because she knows that she is physically stronger than Clarke and there’s something about that fact that makes me respect Lexa so much.

12 more tough ones this morn

saturday

After working some early hours this morning, decided to do a morning run and recover for the rest of the day, though the body would rather I lay down.  12 miles moderately paced but hard on the sore quads and aching arms - same old song these days of increased mileage - in the park, running into some runner friends…and their dogs.  I’m getting used to these sore legs and arms, all becoming part of the scenery, so this training seems to be working.  Saw on the local running calendar that we have the area’s unofficial first race of the year next Saturday, a 10 miler up in Lockport, NY.  It just snuck up on me…like the month of February…and the year 2016.