touch tour


I used to work at the museum as the guy that told people not to touch the mummies. It was normally easy because most people are respectful or too stupid to realize that the mummies could be touched, but one old woman came in every year on the same day and made my job tough. She wore a shirt that said “#1 Mummy Toucher” and didn’t even look at the other exhibits, even though we had some cool ones like King Arthur’s round tablecloth and Kennedy’s novel about the Matrix. This woman would hop right over the velvet “do not hop over” rope and make a bee-line for the most touchable mummy. One year I was a step ahead of her and dressed up as that mummy, so when she went to touch me I grabbed her hand and said, “Don’t touch the mumm-ME!” and laughed and laughed. She didn’t think it was very funny though and had a big heart attack and died on the spot. I didn’t want to get in trouble so I threw her into one of the empty mummy sarcophagi. I think she’s still there today. Anyway, obviously I got promoted from that job to tour guide, so if you’ll follow me, we’ll check out Kennedy’s novel that caused the Wachowskis to kill him.


“…I snatched away my hand and gave a cry. What I had touched was cold and, at the same time, bony; and I remembered that his hands smelt of death…”

“I tell you I kissed her just like that, on her forehead… and she did not draw back her forehead from my lips! …I tore off my mask so as not to lose one of her tears…and she did not run away!…And she did not die!… She remained alive, weeping over me, with me.“

Derrick Davis and Kaitlyn Davis, restaged US Tour