Your head was in your hands, apathetic towards the little streams of stale tears lying under your eyes. He sat across the room, staring off into space as fraught breaths passed his lips. Lifting your head, noticing how much of a struggle the simple act instantly became, you looked over at him and sighed. “Nobody said it would be easy.”
“Nobody said it would be this hard, either.” He retorted, continuing to stare into thin air. His eyes were glossed over, with dark bags hanging underneath them indicating the lack of sleep he’s gotten recently. “It’s not supposed to be this hard.”
Shaking your head, you pushed yourself forcefully away from the table, walking over to the large window and staring out of it in thought. You looked at all the windows of the building across the street, how few of them were lit up with families all congregating at the dinner table and sharing joyous conversation. You wished that was you. “I guess other people just get lucky.”
Your comment really hurt Michael, causing him to shut his eyes tightly to keep the tears from spilling out. He sucked in a curt breath at the sentence and trembled. “Please don’t say that.”
“Well what do you want me to say, Michael?” You asked tiredly, turning around to face him, but he didn’t look at you. “Are you too scared to even look at me anymore?”
“I’m just confused.” He said, finally succumbing to the pressure and tearing his eyes open, showing off his eyes that were once bright and full of life, but were now dull and sad. “Love isn’t supposed to feel like this.”
“What does it feel like to you?” You questioned, intrigued by his statement.
Biting on his bottom lip and darting his eyes away just for a single second, he exhaled. “It feels…confining. I feel guilty.”
Your heart quaked. “Why?”
“Because…” He trailed off, blinking slowly as if to stall. “It feels forced, now.”
The tension in the room quickly built up behind his confession, leaving you heartbroken and helpless. It wasn’t much of a difference from the past few months, though. The stress on your relationship was at an all-time-high and you two fought more than anything. He was controlling, and you were demanding.
“You don’t feel anything towards me anymore, do you?”
Slowly, he shook his head. “Just regret.”
You choked on a breath, the tears welling up again and you brought a hand up to your mouth, astonished at the situation you were in at the moment. “So…so that means you regret everything?” You managed to ask, after wiping away the tears.
“Love, don’t think this isn’t hard on me either, because it is.” He said, immediately pushing himself off the couch and walking over to you, placing his hands on the sides of your arms. “This is hell for me to go through.”
“If this is hell for you then what am I feeling?” You asked rhetorically. “Michael, we have a child together, you can’t just sit here and tell me you regret her.”
“Of course I don’t, love. No, no, no.” He said, shaking his head. “I just…it’s more me, I guess. I know I’m not cut out for this whole ‘love’ bullshit. I thought I was, but I’m not. I’ve been in so many relationships, Y/N, and I really did think that I loved you because I felt different around you. But…something happened…and that excitement and joy I so desperately craved from the idea of love just never materialized for me.”
“What did I do wrong, then?” You asked, crying harder.
“Nothing at all.” He said, bringing his hand up to wipe away your tears. “Us together just don’t mix, can’t you tell? We fight more than we love, Y/N. Constantly at each other’s throats, and for what? What is there to gain in being together?”
You shook your head, forced to face the fact. “There’s no love anymore.”
“Maybe for you, there’s still some in you. But not for me.” He said, shutting his eyes in shame. “I’m so sorry, love.”
Pulling yourself away from him, you ran your shaking hands through your hair. “What about Lucia?”
Michael shrugged his shoulders, running his hand along his stubble-covered jaw. “I don’t know…I just don’t know anymore.”
“That isn’t a real answer, Michael!” You exclaimed, becoming agitated. “That can’t just be your answer for everything. She’s just as much your responsibility as she is mine; you can’t just walk away from her.”
“She wouldn’t even remember me. She’s far too young.”
“Are you suggesting you walk out of her life…forever?” You asked in bewilderment. “You can’t be serious right now.”
“I told you, Y/N. I feel so confined right now and staying here wouldn’t help at all.” He told you, so quiet you could barely hear him. It was as if he wished you didn’t hear; he felt so ashamed, but he couldn’t help it–it was the truth.
But you wouldn’t accept it. Everything he’s told you in the past, how he’s made you feel, what he’s given to you…all of that was just pried from your hands, without hope of coming back, it seemed.
You sniffled, composing yourself slightly, and looked towards Michael with distaste. “Remember when you promised we’d always be together? Because I remember when I thought you meant it.”
“Y/N…” He sighed in defeat, becoming worked up again as a new wave of fresh tears overcame him.
“It just sucks, to sit here and think that this guy you gave everything to would stay by your side no matter what…but then he just changes his mind.” You bitterly told him. “Leave it to the guy that claimed to be infatuated with every sense of my being at the beginning of this relationship to end up hurting me more than anyone else.”
“Please love, don’t–”
“Don’t what? Don’t put the blame on you? Don’t ‘guilt trip’ you?” You asked, approaching him with heavy feet and eyes lit with passion. “You’re pathetic, Michael.”
“I’m sorry, but–”
At that moment, you were cut off by the cries of your 3 month old baby in the other room. Both of your heads whipped around in that direction, and you glared back at Michael as you walked into her room silently. Seeing Lucia always made you happy; she was such a beautiful little girl, with these amazingly charming, big brown eyes. But in the heat of the moment, you looked at her and couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if the stress on yours and Michael’s relationship was your fault, and now you had the challenge of raising a kid thrown on top of everything.
You carefully picked her up out of her crib, propping her on your hip and placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Hey Lucy baby, it’s okay.” You whispered, trying to calm her down from the fit she was having. “Everything’s going to be alright.” You tried to believe yourself, but it was impossible. It was then you knew it wasn’t because she needed a changing, nor that she was hungry; because, after a moment of silence where you and Michael weren’t fighting, she was completely relaxed against your shoulder, grasping onto you with her tiny fingers.
Michael appeared in the doorway, wiping his eyes as he walked up to both of you. You noticed, turning your back on him and taking a seat in the rocker near the window, as if protecting her from him. “What do you want?”
He shrugged, looking down at Lucia in your arms and gesturing towards her. “For you and her to be happy.”
Your face went numb, eyes fluttering closed for a second and your hand subconsciously cradling Lucia’s head. “And what do you think will make us happy?”
“For me to leave.” He whispered.
Shaking your head, you ignored the tear falling from your eye. “That’s not what I want, Michael.”
“Then what do you want?”
“Can’t you just fall back in love with me?” You told him, trying to be quiet and not wake Lucia. She started to stir in your arms, and you stood up to place her back in her crib.
“It’s not that easy, love.” Midway through your task, Michael came up to watch, feeling his heart skip a beat at the sleeping little girl lying fast asleep. He looked up at you, both of your tired eyes connecting with his.
“No one said it was easy.” You told him truthfully. “Nothing in life is easy.”
“Then I want to make you happy. And her happy.” He said, running his hand up and down your back.
“You can’t keep telling me all these vague plans, Michael. Are you going to stay here and try to work things out, or are you going to just give up this easy?” You asked wretchedly. Please fight for us, you thought. Please stay.
He nodded to himself, making up his mind and affirming that what he chose was the right thing to do. “I’ll try. I can try.”
From that, it was all you needed to break down once again, although this time he was here to console you. You could feel his little tear droplets fall onto the back of your neck, as your own transferred onto the material of his jumper. For the first time tonight, you felt the slightest bit of relief–happiness, even. You loved Michael, truly, and to have him this close to leaving you and your daughter was like you staring the end of the world right in the eye, unable to save yourself.
When he mumbled “I’m sorry, you don’t deserve anything I’ve done to you tonight,” you felt the conviction; you knew it came from his heart. You knew he genuinely meant it.
It wouldn’t be easy, but you would all be okay. One day.
I want to become the most important person to you. Calling you without a reason, texting you, sharing a cake, and me ending up eating a lot, but you just laughing about it and forgiving me, holding hands without needing to say anything, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, that is how I want us to be.
his broom-like ;) hair, his green or blue eyes, his smile, his bearded or clean shaven face, the chiselled cheekbones, the strong jawline, the lips that form to a gorgeous smile, the mischievous tongue that always pokes out, the nose that looks so damn great in profile, the well-defined arms, his lean body, his torso with the always visible nipples, his back with the dimples, his elegant hands that have those long and beautiful fingers, his amazing butt, his long legs, those muscular thighs, and even his feet - and all the freckles, and beauty spots, and scars that cover him. ;)