tos season one

TOS “The Conscience of the King”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 12
“The Conscience of the King”

What’s It About? Theatre actor might be war criminal

Should I Watch It? Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend this episode your ears (and eyes)

madness in great ones must not unwatched go

okay what does this episode have to—

HOLY SHIT KNIFE!

MURDER!

GUY WITH AN EYEPATCH!

Solid Snake helpfully tells us the silver fox currently playing Macbeth is Kodos the Executioner! Who is the reason this guy only has half a face!

Okay let’s slow down just a got damn minute. Twenty years ago Kirk and Half-Face witnessed to a terrible massacre by this Kodos guy. Kodos’s body was never firmly identified, it turns out, and this actor playing MacBeth, Anton Karidian, mysteriously appeared on the theatre circuit not long after Kodos supposedly died! Hmm, fuckier and fuckier!

So Kirk decides to take one for the team and attend a cocktail party, where he meets this beautiful young lady who has suffered an unfortunate accident with some floral decorations:

Anton’s daughter Lenore, as it turns out, who also played Lady Macbeth WOOP WOOP WOOP sorry my Freudian alarm went off for a sec there. Kirk, naturally, flirts hardcore because what better way to get revenge on Space Stalin than by poinking his daughter? Unfortunately Half-Face manages to posthumously cockblock the captain by turning up dead. Well, guess there’s always Mrs. Half-Face.

Kirk strengthens his chances at banging the Electra Complex out of Lenore by covertly redirecting the acting troupe’s transport, making Enterprise their only ride. Lenore is like “help Kirk we are stranded" and Kirk is all “you don’t say”

Also What in the bibbety-bobbety-fuck are you wearing Lenore?

After receiving several unusual orders from the captain with no explanation, Spock’s ears are twitching so he asks Bones if the doctor has noticed anything unusual. Bones says “I ain’t noticed shit, except this glass of brandy *HIC* now stop fussing and have a drink with me”

Kirk takes Lenore on a little sightseeing tour of Enterprise. She asks him if he is at all like his ship and explicitly uses the words “surging and throbbing”. Jim gives her a look that says she just spoke the magic words.

Then they make out.

Spock does some digging of his own and finds out not only are Kirk and Lt. Riley (remember him, from “Naked Time”?) the only witnesses to the massacre still alive, but Karidian’s company of players were suspiciously nearby when those others died. Things have reached maximum fuckiness.

Riley’s down in the engine room, bored and lonely, so he gets on the comm and pesters the rec room. Uhura is nice enough to sing him a song and while he listens a shadowy figure creeps up and… squirts Windex in his milk.

What the shit is he eating? Cubed melons?

Riley boy guzzles his milk down like a good boy for healthy and strong bones and ends up in a hospital bed. Spock logically concludes that Kirk is next, no matter how much Jim yells at him. Sure enough, an overloaded hand phaser shows up in Kirk’s quarters. Kirk quickly chucks it out the garbage disposal before the explosion takes out multiple decks

multiple decks

sweet buttery buddha on a bicycle, look at that tiny thing. Several decks? And Starfleet issues these things as sidearms. Kirk decides it’s high time to have a lil chat with Karidian.

Kirk: ayyyy are you Kodos
Anton: I’m just a really good actor. That’s why you think I’m Kodos. I don’t know who he is but he sounds like he was a really wise and handsome dude, had to make some tough decisions but all around a really great guy
Kirk: >___>

Then Lenore comes in and tells him get off my dad’s dick, that’s my job. Then she poetically compares him to his ship again, but in like, a mean way. Kirk is like “uuuuugh, actors”.

But he isn’t pissed enough to stop them from putting on a production of Hamlet. Lenore is playing Ophelia and Anton is, surprisingly, not playing Hamlet. Bones decides to loudly recap some exposition into his log about Kodos murdering Riley’s parents and Riley decides to shoot the guy while he delivers a monologue as Hamlet’s dead dad. It’s funny because he’s pretending to be a ghost, and soon he’s gonna be a ghost. Kirk talks Riley down before any dramatic death soliloquies can happen.

Anton rants to his daughter about his own ghosts and a voice haunting him from out of the past (actors, geeeeeez) but Lenore excitedly tells him no one will hurt him anymore while making a face that qualifies her for the Overly Attached Daughter meme

He realizes she’s been murdering everyone who could potentially identify him and rants about more blood on his hands (oh sure, he killed the first four thousand, but SEVEN MORE is just too much) and she replied that all the ghosts are dead, clearly not understanding how ghosts work. Kirk walks up and tells them the show is over, in both the literal and metaphorical sense, and orders a redshirt to arrest them. Because everyone on the Enterprise is terrible at their job, Lenore grabs his phaser and tries to shoot Kirk but whoops she killed her dad/lover. While crying over his corpse she quotes something profound that is probably Shakespeare (and includes the words “the conscience of the king”, title drop WHAT WHAT) but I’m an uneducated lout so I don’t recognize it. Jim learns an important lesson about not sticking it in the crazy.

though this be madness, yet there is method in ‘t

Jim, Jim, Jim. Forever unlucky in love. Those who’ve developed feelings for him so far have been:

  • his coworker / assistant
  • a human trafficked mail-order bride on beauty drugs
  • a salt vampire posing as his friend’s ex-wife
  • a confused android
  • a Romulan who subsequently blew himself up
  • a psychologist who brainwashed him
  • underage
  • an unstable murderer whose dad is a war criminal

Otherwise, this episode is great. I made a lot of jokes about ACTORS being OVERDRAMATIC but it’s true and it works. It’s good actors playing good actors who are also good actors at pretending not to be murderers, and the whole thing plays out like some Shakespearean tragedy. Very meta.

Kodos’s whole situation is more complex than just “he’s evil”. Everyone was starving, so he figured by eliminating 4000 colonists he’d save 4000 more, in what Pratchett would probably call “the dreadful algebra of necessity”. He’s never portrayed as sympathetic but he’s not a one-dimensional mass murderer either.

FINAL TALLY
SO MUCH DRAMA: +40
Kirk Backstory: +20
No Sulu: -15
McCoy’s Rampaging Alcoholism: +30
Title Drop: +10

TOTAL SCORE: 85 POINTS

Best Dialogue:
“Do you play God? Carry his head through the corridors in triumph? That won’t bring back the dead, Jim!”
“No. But they may rest easier.”

—McCoy and Kirk, arguing over what to do with Anton

“Blood thins. The body fails. One is finally grateful for a failing memory.”
— Anton(Kodos?) to Kirk about the passage of time

…or really, any line from this episode, it’s that good


When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain? When the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won, when I’ve watched the next episode: “The Galileo Seven”.

Star Trek- “Operation–Annihilate!” (Original air date: April 13th, 1967)

Written by Steven W. Carabatsos

Directed by Herschel Daugherty

When the Enterprise arrives at the planet Daneva and no one responds to their hailing frequencies, an away team beams down to the surface to find out what’s wrong. Kirk’s brother and his family live on Daneva. He discovers his brother dead; his sister-in-law dies shortly afterward. In the midst of Kirk’s grief, Spock gets infected with whatever killed them.

This is a solid episode, elevated by William Shatner’s terrific performance. Anyone who doubts Shatner’s ability need only watch this episode (or “City on the Edge of Forever”) to prove themselves wrong.

“Operation–Annihilate!” brings season one of Star Trek to a close. I personally think “City on the Edge of Forever” would have been a better finale, but the sense of loss felt by Kirk in either episode would be a fitting way close things out.

5

I just started watching Star Trek from the beginning, and… this is it, isn’t it? This moment in ST:TOS season one, episode eleven, has got to be the genesis of modern slash fandom. The first ten episodes had slash potential, sure, but there’s slash potential and then there are slash moments, and I’ve watched slashy canons in rooms full of fangirls enough times to know which lines are going to cause synchronized heart-grabbing. This is a moment. If I were watching this show without the context of decades of fannish history, if I didn’t know what I was looking at, this would have been when I paused to go check the pairing tag on AO3.

As it is, with all that context, it’s when I pause to pay a little respect to my cultural foremothers. It’s when I post these screencaps on Tumblr, write an accompanying post referencing AO3, link it on Twitter, and think about the communities associated with each of these spaces that I wouldn’t have if not for the women who took this moment and ran with it.

Love you, fandom. <3

Star Trek- “The City on the Edge of Forever” (Original air date: April 6th, 1967)

Written by Harlan Ellison

Directed by Joseph Pevney

“The City on the Edge of Forever” is the best episode of dramatic television ever produced.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on. After accidentally injecting himself with a heavy dose of cordazine, McCoy goes crazy and beams himself down to a mysterious planet. When Kirk, Spock, and a few others pursue him, they encounter an odd portal, which announces itself as the Guardian of Forever. McCoy, still in a craze, jumps through the portal, centuries backward in time. The captain can no longer contact the Enterprise, so he deduces that Bones must have changed something in the past. Kirk and Spock go back a week earlier to try to stop him from committing whatever act it is that changed all of history.

In the past, Kirk falls in love with a woman named Edith Keeler, played magnetically by Joan Collins. Spock soon discovers that the event McCoy interfered with was Edith’s death, so, in order to correct the course of history, Kirk must stop McCoy from saving Edith’s life.

“The City on the Edge of Forever” is considered by many to be Star Trek’s finest moment, and I am among that group. There’s the clever time travel plot, the humor of Spock displaced in the Great Depression, the gorgeous Elia Kazan style lighting, and most of all, Kirk’s final line, perfectly uttered when he returns to the 23rd century after allowing the woman he loved to die: “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Star Trek- “Space Seed” (Original air date: February 16th, 1967)

Written by Gene L. Coon and Carey Wilber

Directed by Marc Daniels

“Space Seed” is most well known for introducing the character of Khan Noonien Singh, who later reappeared in the greatest Star Trek feature film, The Wrath of Khan. To think of this as merely a prelude to Star Trek II, however, is to do it a disservice. “Space Seed” is one of the very best episodes the original series has to offer.

The Enterprise comes across an old Earth space vessel in the deep reaches of space. The SS Botany Bay contains Khan, a genetically enhanced superhuman who ruled a quarter of the Earth in the 1990s, and 72 others much like him, all cryogenically frozen and awakening in the same state as when they had left the Earth 200 years before. Khan convinces the Enterprise’s historian, Lieutenant McGivers, to help him take control of the ship.

“Space Seed” is particularly captivating because Khan is truly one of the great villains in the history of television and cinema. He is Kirk’s equal as a strategist and his better as a physical specimen and combatant. Kirk barely gets the better of Khan at the end of this episode, and he provides him with mercy, a gift Khan certainly would not have returned. This proves to be a mistake which comes back to haunt Kirk and the rest of the crew of the Enterprise nearly twenty years later.

Star Trek- “The Galileo Seven” (Original air date: January 5th, 1967)

Written by Oliver Crawford and S. Bar-David

Directed by Robert Gist

A shuttle commanded by Mr. Spock crash lands on a planet inhabited by big hairy monsters. Kirk and the Enterprise stay behind in orbit of the planet against the orders of High Commissioner Ferris, a scumbag who’d like to see Kirk leave Spock, Bones, Scotty, and the rest of the shuttle crew behind.

This is a very well done examination of Spock’s character, specifically his stubborn logic-based leadership. Two of the crew members die on the planet and when Spock emits no emotional response, Lieutenant Boma flips out, calling Spock a “machine.”

There are a lot of important things here. The McCoy/Spock dynamic is fully cemented, and this is Kirk’s first blatant disregard for authority. An essential episode.

Star Trek- “The Enemy Within” (Original air date: October 6th, 1966)

Written by Richard Matheson

Directed by Leo Penn

Because of a malfunction with the transporter, Kirk is split into two beings. One representing all of his best qualities, and one to represent all of his worst. This problem persists as Sulu and the rest of the away team down on the planet can’t be beamed up, should a similar thing happen to them.

Shatner gets to indulge in all of his favorite over-the-top mannerisms when playing “evil” Kirk. The classic “I’M CAPTAIN KIRK!” scene is one of the most simultaneously dramatic and hilarious scenes in the series. That, combined with Sulu’s constant need for coffee, make for a fun episode.

Star Trek- “Where No Man Has Gone Before” (Original air date: September 22nd, 1966)

Written by Samuel A. Peeples

Directed by James Goldstone

“Where No Man Has Gone Before” was the second pilot commissioned by NBC for Star Trek. While “The Cage” bests it in story and ideas, “Where No Man Has Gone Before” benefits greatly from the introduction of Captain Kirk. Although Star Trek now had two of its leads (Kirk and Spock), much of the rest of the cast was either completely different or in different roles on the ship. This episode was somewhat puzzlingly aired third in the first season, but I actually find it odd that it aired at all. It has many of the same rough edges and unique quirks that “The Cage” does, like the monochrome costumes, Nimoy’s unrefined performance as Spock (a lot of yelling), and the lack of McCoy, the show’s third lead and best character.

The story of the episode deals with Mitchell, a one-off character who Kirk befriended back in Starfleet Academy. After a magnetic storm, Mitchell gains ESP powers, which exponentially increase until he has the power of a god. It’s a pretty intriguing concept, and Shatner powerfully displays the conflict within Kirk: remember his friend or destroy this newborn monster who looks like him?

Star Trek- “The Return of the Archons” (Original air date: February 9th, 1967)

Written by Boris Sobelman (Story by Gene Roddenberry)

Directed by Joseph Pevney

The crew beams down to the planet Beta III and discovers a frightening utopian society there. All “evil” has been removed from the population by way of a god-like being known as Landru. All evil is released during a designated time called “The Red Hour.” The Red Hour sequence is one of the most stirring in the entire series. People are jumping through windows, fucking like bunnies, and trying to beat the shit out of Kirk and the rest of the crew.

This is one of many episodes which deal with false gods and cult-like behavior, and I think it’s one of the best and most penetrating stories to explore that subject. Oddly enough, this is the first episode of Star Trek I ever saw, and while it probably went over my three or four year old head, the striking images of the Red Hour and Spock in a dope cloak stuck with me for years to come.

TOS “Charlie X”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 07
“Charlie X”

What’s It About? Janice gets unwanted affection from a teenager with superpowers

Should I Watch It? Yes, and show it to all the “nice guys” who don’t know when to leave a woman alone

you’re a fuckboy charlie brown

In this episode a transport ship called Antares gives Captain Kirk a the gift of a 17-year-old boy. Wait, I phrased that wrong. What I meant to say is Kirk and a teenage boy who has never known the touch of a woman will become very close. No wait, I mean, Kirk will try to help the boy become a man. Look, all I’m saying is before this episode ends Captain Kirk will have his shirt off and be pinning this lonely teen to a mattress.

The teen in question Charlie Evans, who grew up all alone on planet Thasus after his spaceship crashed. Unbeknownst to our heroes, he can cause freaky shit to happen by making weird faces (as seen at the top of this review). To them he’s just a castaway who needs to be de-Tarzan’d back into society. When he meets Janice Rand all he can do is helplessly gesture at her and ask, “Is that a girl?”

Oh Janice. Thy patience is as infinite as the universe itself.

She’ll soon have more nonsense to put up with, as Charlie starts following her everywhere. His lack of social skills gets him in trouble at first, when he sees two male crewmen slapping each other on the behind like manly men male pals and tries it on Janice. She puts a stop to that right away but Kirk has to explain to Charlie why it was not okay.

Charlie: well all I did was this *slaps Kirk’s ass*
Kirk: well y’see 
Charlie:
Kirk: Charlie the thing is
Charlie: ?
Kirk: you can’t just
Charlie: ???
Kirk: girls
Charlie: ????????
Kirk: [internally screaming]

Also, the Antares mysteriously explodes while trying to send Kirk an important message. Immediately after, Charlie makes a weird comment and runs off giggling. I wonder who could be responsible!

Charlie follows Janice to the Rec Room—which has certainly improved over the last time we saw it:

(I’m sorry but I just really wanted to include this screenshot from “The Naked Time” of two crew members having the most boring date ever. Are they playing 3D Checkers?)

Everybody’s maxing and chillaxing, Janice and Uhura are playing cards, and Spock is being that one guy everybody knows who has an acoustic guitar.

“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”

Uhura decides to remind the audience that Nichelle Nichols was trying to launch her singing career, and improvises a weird song about Spock being super sexy. Then she sings about Charlie but he takes her voice away so he can try to impress Janice with card tricks (and makes a smug face disturbingly reminiscent of Donald Trump).

He changes the cards into photos of her (yeah that’s not creepy) and teleports one into her bra because nothing ignites a woman’s passions quite like the feeling of cold, slightly sticky card stock possibly giving her nipple a paper cut.

Janice soon clues in that Charlie’s got a crush and eventually she’s going to have to pull the football out from in front of him. Kirk sits Charlie down for another talk, man-to-man (or captain-to-psychic-teen) and explains you have to be “slow” and “gentle” when you like someone, but the other person has to feel the same way you do. (Preach it, James T!) Eventually they head to the gym to work off some of those adolescent hormones. Ha, you thought I was kidding about the half-naked wrestling.

“Can you see my package in this thing? No? …How about now?”

Charlie takes a fall and some crewman laughs at him, and Charlie makes the guy fucking disappear

Every episode has that moment of realization where the characters clue in that Something Is Fucky. It happens very gradually in “The Naked Time,” “The Man Trap” had multiple moments over time, but here Kirk becomes painfully aware in a single instant that the kid he’s been patiently giving relationship advice just sent someone to another dimension.

Charlie siezes control of the ship, eager to get to a nearby colony full of humans to play with. When Janice rejects his heartfelt gross declaration of love and smacks him for getting to handsy he makes her vanish, too. And casually breaks Spock’s legs, until Kirk tells him to cut that shit out. If Jim Kirk had been in the X-Men movies there wouldn’t have been no damn Dark Phoenix arc.

And yes, Charlie destroyed to Antares, for the five or so viewers who hadn’t figured that out yet. After Kirk tells him he can’t forcibly make Spock recite poetry, he takes his frustration out on other crew members: turning one into an old lady, another into a lizard, and this poor lady into slenderwoman.

Kirk eventually realizes Charlie can only control so much of the ship at one time and gets Spock and McCoy to switch random shit on until the boy’s power gives out. Then it’s ass-whoopin’ time.

Lookit that stance! Fortunately Jim doesn’t have put Charlie on the one-way express bus to downtown Pummelsville, because the native inhabitants of Thasus arrive, in the form of a hovering green face.

Floaty Green Palpatine explains the Thasians gave Charlie their advanced mind powers so he could survive, but he got away from them. They couldn’t bring back the Antares but they’ve restored everyone on Enterprise to normal and brought back the missing people—including Janice who gets dropped in the middle of the bridge in her frickin negligée. Also they’re taking Charlie back whether he wants it or not. He pleads with the crew not to let him go but SHOULDA THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU STARTED TURNING PEOPLE INTO REPTILES, DICKTWIDDLER.

CHARLIE XY

Charlie is a mixture of the Isla Vista shooter and every so-called “nice guy” on the Internet. He doesn’t get a free pass for growing up in isolation—there were plenty of chances for him to correct his behaviour, which he ignored. (When Captain James Goddamned Kirk tells you she’s just not that into you, she’s just not that fucking into you bro.) On repeat viewings I noticed all his spiteful acts after Janice rejected him were directed at women, a very disturbing but all too realistic response from spurned misogynists. When the Thasians put him back in timeout you almost pity him, but by that point he’s been such an asshole no one is willing to help.

It’s a chilling tale straight outta Marvel Comics or the Twilight Zone spun into an important anti-misogynistic parable. But could we get just one episode where Yeoman Rand isn’t harassed please? It’s happened like three times now. Stop it.

FINAL TALLY
Dat Charlie Face Tho: +10
Important Moral: +10
Spock shouting poetry: +10
Spock playing a harp: +15
Uhura singing: +20
Shirtless Kirk Bonus: +25

TOTAL SCORE: 90 POINTS

Best Dialogue:
“There’s no right way to hit a woman, Charlie.”

— Kirk, expressing a fact that seems obvious to us but was probably kind of unusual in the Sixties

“Mr. Spock, are you getting any readings on your instruments?”
“Yes sir, there’s a—TIGER TIGER BURNING BRIGHT, IN THE FOREST OF THE NIGHT.”

— Kirk & Spock, the latter getting puppeteered by Charlie

“Let him go too, Charlie.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m telling you to. Because you need me to run the ship, and I need him.”

— Kirk making Charlie fix his boyfriend’s legs

“Oh please… don’t let them take me! I can’t even touch them! Janice! They can’t even feel, not like you! They don’t love! I wanna stay—”
— Charlie begging not to go with the Thasians


Thanks for reading TooMuchTrek! Next episode: “Balance of Terror”.

Originally posted by adwilliams

Star Trek- “Tomorrow is Yesterday” (Original air date: January 26th, 1967)

Written by D.C. Fontana

Directed by Michael O'Herlihy

Here we have one of the earliest time travel episodes of Star Trek. The Enterprise is shot back to 1960s Earth after hitting a time warp. After destroying an aircraft which was attempting to investigate the Enterprise (which has appeared in the sky over the U.S.), Kirk beams the pilot of the fighter jet aboard. This creates a conflict, as Captain Christopher (the pilot) now knows too much about the future of his planet, and Kirk cannot allow him to return to the surface.

Most of my favorite Star Trek stories involve time travel (“City on the Edge of Forever,” The Voyage Home), and this is no exception. When Kirk and Sulu beam down to an air force base to retrieve photos and documents which prove the Enterprise’s existence, it is great fun to see just how much Kirk is willing to reveal and how he chooses to go about it. Much of the explanation for how the crew returned to their own time and how they returned Captain Christopher to ‘60s Earth is pretty shoddy, but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got a fun and inventive misplaced in time story to follow.

TOS “Mudd’s Women”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 03
“Mudd’s Women”

What’s It About? Enterprise accidentally picks up some hot women and everyone is gross and I hate it

Should I Watch It? Fucking no!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

So the Enterprise is pursuing an unregistered ship through an asteroid field (sadly it’s not the Millennium Falcon). Said ship gets all fucked up by said asteroids, and Enterprise breaks its “lithium crystals” protecting the smaller ship long enough to rescue the crew. (Presumably, said Lithium crystal sang “I like it, I’m not gonna crack” and then cracked anyway.) Turns out the “captain” is this froopy doopy asshole:

We also meet the titular women: Eve, and I forgot the other two’s names because they aren’t really given much personality beyond IF UR SEXY AND U KNOW IT CLAP UR HANDS *clap, clap*. Mudd immediately explains these lovely ladies are his… “cargo”. This… this is gonna be one of those episodes, isn’t it?

Originally posted by xblackthornwolfx

Kirk convenes a hearing and discovers the guy is a con man named Harcourt Fenton Mudd (or Harry for short). He’s taking these (admittedly willing) women to be wives for some eligible bachelors, ewww. Kirk still charges Harry with unlawful operation of a spaceship, not having a pilot’s license, and dressing like a pirate on his way to a cowboy-themed gay bar.

Sulu sets a course for a mining facility on Rigel XII where they can acquire more lithium crystals but Mudd gets ahold of a communicator and negotiates his own deal with the miners: he gets to go free, and the miners get the wives. (Conveniently there are exactly three of them.) Otherwise, no crystals for Kirk.

Originally posted by xblackthornwolfx

The miners throw a gross hoedown to get to know their new livestock a little better, and Eve makes the mistake of coughing three times (since, y’know, this is a mine and there is dust). Her assigned miner immediately drops her like so much giraffe afterbirth (giraffterbirth?) and starts groping one of the others. Eve is justifiably insulted, and—somewhat less justifiably—runs into a blinding snowstorm. The miner who decided she was worthless for her girlish frailty of having lungs (I forgot his name too because who cares) rescues her and she shows her gratitude by… siiiiiiiiigh… cooking him breakfast.

But then the “Venus drug” wears off, making Eve “ugly” again. Kirk and Mudd show up to explain the truth. Eve scarfs down one of the pills and becomes “beautiful” again. But Kirk slipped her a placebo! She doesn’t need the drug, she had the power to change her appearance all along!

Originally posted by skellyscoo

Has the drug permanently destabilized her molecular structure? Is she a shapeshifter? What’s going to happen to the other two women, who have already been dragged back to the man caves of their respective miners after hasty weddings? We never learn the answers. Enterprise gets its crystals and sails off into the stars, leaving us all a little dumber for having witnessed this.

HOO BOY

Where to fucking begin with this shit? Mudd is practically a human trafficker. Eve seems to be on board with the whole matchmaking process, since the only men on her planet were her brothers (and let’s get this straight, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a homemaker/housewife, regardless of your gender) but nobody seems to realize there are other options. She complains about having to cook and clean for her brothers and to their laundry. Like excuse them? They can do their own damn chores??

All the men on Enterprise (except Spock, praise him) turn into drooling troglodytes around the Stepford Trio and even fail to do their jobs properly. I thought maybe it was some hypnotic/telepathic effect of the Venus drug, but Mudd explains it just gives you “more” of what you have and makes women “more feminine”. So why then?  It’s not like they haven’t seen any women in awhile; there are women working all over the ship. Presumably their male colleagues don’t act that way around them, or nothing would get done. Unless you’re saying men can’t control themselves around attractive women in which case STOP RIGHT THERE.

It gets worse. The Trio goes along with Harry’s plan for them to marry three guys they’ve never met because the miners are “rich” (I thought they didn’t need money in the 23rd Century???) and they apparently can’t even fathom life without a man. The miners decide to marry them after one night of dancing because they’re hot so who cares. And that’s not even getting into the Venus drug.

Oh BOY the Venus drug.

Without this pill, the women are supposedly hideously ugly. Let’s take a look at what that entails.

Ah yes, not wearing makeup = hideous. 

She just looks hung over.

What the fuck is on her chin? Is that some attempt at old age makeup? Two can play at this shallow game! If we want to nitpick about looks, I feel I should point out the first two miners we meet look like Old West Gargamel and Senator Palpatine’s stunt double.

Gargamel already seems like the type to tweet “take her swimming on the first date” but after learning the truth about Eve’s good looks he complains about risking his life to save her. Because her life is apparently worth so much dogshit if she’s an uggo, is that it? Kirk even says the miners can have their marriages annulled due to fraud, which, the English language doesn’t have enough words to describe why that’s shitty. Eve almost makes a valid point about impossible beauty standards but that point is undercut because she still has to be beautiful to win Gargamel’s acceptance. 

There’s enough societal crap telling women to be better looking and settle down with a nice man here in 2016; we certainly don’t need to see 1966’s perspective on the issue.

FINAL TALLY
Core concept: -10
Venus Drug: -50
Objectifying women: -80
Harry Mudd: -100
Everything the miners say/do: -1000000

TOTAL SCORE: -1,000,240 POINTS

Best Line:
“The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, doctor, pleases me no end.”
— Spock, after McCoy points out a Vulcan’s heart is located near his armpit


Thanks for slogging through this entire review! Next time we’ll hopefully have a little more fun when I watch “The Enemy Within”.

TOS “Miri”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 11
“Miri”

What’s It About? Star Trek does Lord of the Flies, but badly

Should I Watch It? Watch it if you like the goofy episodes because this is one!

BOMP BOMP

Fade in as Enterprise discovers a planet that looks awfully familiar, as seen above. Why that’s… well jiggle my titties, it’s Earth! Or rather a planet suspiciously identical to Earth. This was back when Star Trek could get away with this kinda shit. They mutter something about Hogfuck’s Law of Parallel Planetary Whatever, my ass, this is Desilu’s Law of The Studio Had These Props And Sets And We’re Gonna Use Em, God Dammit. And sure enough, upon beaming down they discover civilization on this planet coincidentally ended in the Sixties—the very decade wherein this episode was produced. I’m gonna go ahead and venture a guess that the exact year was 1966. How very convenient.

Disposable redshirts in tow, they stumble across some sort of modern art installation.

“I call it ‘Innocence Lost’.”

Whaddaya say Spock, you think we can get it running again?

Before Kirk can pimp his new three-wheeled ride, Chris Farley runs out in zombie makeup and an Owen Wilson wig screaming the tricycle belongs to him.

Kirk punches the strange attacker the exact same way three times in a row—or the editor repeats the shot three times, I’m not sure—and then the guy just… dies. “How can this be?” asks Kirk. “I only hit him three times, not four!” 

As they set off in search of more zombies for Jim to punch exactly three times (no more, no less), a mysterious figure leads them on a chase through the ruins. Once they’ve worked up a good murder froth they confront their quarry and discover it is actually a harmless little girl named Miri.

Well doesn’t that just deflate the murder balloons on Kirk’s death parade float? He questions the girl, and she explains all the grownups (or “grups”) went bad and starting hurting people and then died. Grups = bad. To show he is harmless, Kirk gets her alone in a room and tells her she’s pretty.

WHERE YOU GOIN WITH THIS I DUN LIKE IT

Spock wanders around the city some more in hopes of losing these redshirts but then, in a scene straight out of a nightmare, unseen children pelt them with rocks while chanting “NYEH, NYEH, NYEH NYEH-NYEH!” Spock retreats and the redshirts remain annoyingly not dead.

Kirk, in defiance of all common sense, wants to meet these adorable scamps and asks Miri to lead him there even after she tells him it’s “a bad place”. KIRK HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?? LISTEN TO THE CHILD YOU FOOL. He tries the old touch-the-chin approach

but what’s that

Gadzooks! Unless that’s a friction burn from fapping too hard, or Jim Boy managed to give himself an STD, he’s caught the zombie measles. Good Christ, haven’t any of these Starfleet people heard of hazmat suits? McCoy is on the case, and determines they all have it—except Spock, who is immune as usual, siiiiiiigh. Bones muses that the “little bugs” have “no taste for green blood”. HOW IS THIS MAN A DOCTOR, EVERYTHING HE SAYS SOUNDS LIKE A RACIST TIME TRAVELER TRYING TO DESCRIBE MICROBIOLOGY TO A MEDIEVAL PEASANT

Miri says the older you are, the faster the illness progresses, and looks meaningfully at McCoy. Hah, she called you old! Searching through an old lab reveals this society’s attempt at immortality resulted instead in all the adults going 28 Days Later on each other while the kiddies’ aging slowed almost to a stop. (Is this Star Trek or an SCP entry?) But the moment they sprout armpit hairs, BAM: they catch the crazy and drop dead. 

Jim is even more interested in meeting Miri’s friends, now that he knows they’re about to hit puberty, so they hold hands and leave together—

although she’s 300 years older than him which technically makes her a cougar

Meanwhile the children are having a conference trying to decide what to do. For guidance they look to their leader, John C. Reilly over here:

He declares the grups will be helpless without the little boxes they talk into. Sound reasoning, ragamuffin. I know I’m completely incapable of defending myself whenever my phone goes missing. Miri narcs their hideout to Kirk, but before he can talk to them another screeching play-doh faced monstrosity attacks him, by which I mean it rides him piggyback while he runs around the room.

Miri recognizes the corpse as one of her friends. Not only are the kiddos running out of food, but they’re starting to grow up. Only for them, instead of awkward boners and visits from Aunt Flo it means pancake makeup, bad wigs and screeching and flailing followed by death. Life’s a witch, and then you die. The landing party has even less time, as evidenced by Kirk’s worsening hand syphilis.

For god’s sake Jim, stop picking at it

Wreck-It Ralph enacts his brilliant plan and steals the communicators, which means they can’t connect to the ship’s computer to… calculate the antidote, or whatever. Time passes. Bones is hard at work but they’re all gradually losing it. Janice (forgot to mention, Janice is there) yanks open her uniform to show Kirk a sore on her chest (um, what?) and then for some weird reason starts telling him how she used to try to get him to look at her legs.

Jim and I are making the same face rn

Miri catches them hugging, and ain’t no beehive-havin’ bitch gonna steal HER MAN, so she hatches a plan with Cal Naughton Jr. to kidnap Rand. This adorable little chimpanzee…

…helpfully adds “BOMP BOMP ON THE HEAD!” Yeah whatever kid. Never mind puberty, I think you still have a few evolutionary stages of man to go through before you grow up. 

McCoy thinks he has an antidote, but without the ship’s computer there’s no way to know for sure. Spock points out it could be a “beaker full of death”, which just became the name of my emocore Dr. Horrible tribute band. Miri’s getting down with the sickness herself, but has to go with Kirk to find Yeoman Rand, who is under heavy guard at the hideout:

(that kid in pink is an obvious professional who takes their job very seriously)

While Dale Doback and the Chimp Kid act out nonsense games. Kirk tries to reason with them, even showing them which way to the gun show—

SHIRT RIP, WE HAVE SHIRT RIP HOUSTON I REPEAT WE HAVE SHIRT RIP

Jim pleads with them, warns them of the disease, but they meet his attempts at reasonable argument by shouting immature gibberish, in an eerily accurate prediction of YouTube comment threads. Then the “nyeh nyeh” chant starts up and he realizes he’s going to die at the hands of a grade school field trip who raided a discount halloween warehouse.

Whatcha got there, Sergeant? Is that a Kydz Play Caveman Club™ (only $9.99 at Walmart), a brown-painted bread knot, or a rejected novelty dildo that went horribly wrong during the molding process? Even Princess Foil Hat looks skeptical of that thing’s usefulness in combat.

This kid looks like he’s legit seen some shit

“Why I’m in elementary, dear Watson.”
“How come the others get real Army helmets and I just get a salad bowl?”

“Mom I wanna trick-or-treat as Cultural Appropriation this year”

oh hi, Big Boo from Orange Is The New Black, I didn’t know you were in this episode

They screech BOMP BOMP and pummel Kirk with blunt objects for a bit and then just sorta stop, so he can confront Dewey Cox.

(This “child” is clearly 45. Who are you trying to kid—pun intended??)

Kirk tells them that, when you fight grups, do you not become grups yourselves??!? The kids reply back that that’s great and all, but have you considered BOMP BOMP? William Shatner takes a moment to reflect on his career choices.

Spock leaves Bones alone with the possibly-lethal antidote, and Leonard starts licking his lips like a junkie about to relapse. At this point he has all the willpower of the Cocoa Puffs bird so into his veins it goes. He collapses. Great, now they gotta make an antidote to the antidote! Kirk shows up with kids and communicators in tow, but it appears the good doctor’s “throw spaghetti at the wall” approach to virology has worked. The illness is cured, and Spock solemnly shakes his head as he foresees the sense of smugness McCoy will now possess for all time. All the drama surrounding the communicators was pointless!

Originally posted by comedycentral

A random planet coincidentally having identical geography, society, and inhabitants to Earth isn’t even the silliest thing going on here, but at least you can get sauced and watch Jim Kirk yell at children.

FINAL TALLY
Too Much Convenient Coincidence: -10
Cheesy Dialogue -10
No Uhura or Sulu: -10
Miri’s Acting: +13
Kirk Shirt Rip Bonus: +24
BOMP BOMP: +50

TOTAL SCORE: 57 POINTS

Best Dialogue:
“Children who never age, eternal childhood filled with play. No responsibilities. Almost like a dream.”
“I wouldn’t examine that dream too closely, yeoman. Might not turn out to be very pretty.” 

— Janice and Jim wax philosophical

“Noooo, you got the wrong game! A teacher, I told ya. Now what’s a teacher say, huh?”
“Yeah… Study study study! Or bomp bomp, bad kid!”

— John C. Reilly kid and Ape Face playacting. This exchange garners thunderous applause from the kiddies, for some reason.

“Blah blah blah!”
“NO BLAH BLAH BLAH!”

— highly intellectual discourse between the children and Kirk

“I never get involved with older women, yeoman.”
— Kirk’s reply when Rand points out Miri’s crush on him (you bastard you stole my joke)


That’s it for this entry of TooMuchTrek. Thanks for reading! Next time we find out what lies upon “The Conscience of the King”!

TOS “What Are Little Girls Made Of?”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 09
“What Are Little Girls Made Of?”

What’s It About? Kirk meets a guy who really, really wants to talk about his new android fetish

Should I Watch It? Eh, might as well. If you’re a Ted Cassidy or Nurse Chapel fan then definitely.

THIS REVIEW IS RATED R FOR RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF SCREENSHOTS

So this is a Chapel episode. Which, well. I’ll be upfront and admit I’m not a Chapel fan. Not because of Majel Barrett, who was a treasure. Maybe my opinion will change, but so far in the series her character has been primarily defined by her relationships to men. In “The Naked Time” it was Spock, and in this episode she’s on a quest to find her boyfriend Dr. Roger Korby.

Korby went missing five years ago on planet Exo III, and despite two other unsuccessful expedition to locate his sorry ass Enterprise is here to give it another go because third time’s the charm. He comes in on the radio and Chapel is overjoyed, but this random-ass crewman behind her looks like he just smelled a fart.

Then his girlfriend joins in.

Are they mocking her for thinking her boyfriend was dead? Does she have her skirt tucked into her underwear or something? fuk u random two crew members

Speaking of two random crew members, when Kirk and Chapel beam down to find Korby they make sure to bring a pair of redshirts in case any of the fake rocks turn violent.

Enjoy the view boys, ‘cuz it’s the last you’ll ever see. Come to think of it, things are mighty suspicious already unless this has been an elaborate five-year plan to throw the most unexpected surprise birthday party ever. Jim and Christine take a stroll among the penis rocks—

—but still no sign of Korby. Even the background music is getting tense. You can only walk past so many papier-mâché phalluses before the soundtrack starts dooting ominous trombones and plucking a harp at you. Christine tries to ease the tension by kicking a rock into the abyss and they clutch at each other like two lovers caught in a werewolf storm

OH MY GAWD A ROCK FELL seriously calm the fuck down you two. Finally a sinister silhouette appears in front of a Cardassian interrogation spotlight—

Kirk tells Janice to stay back while he points his car alarm remote keyfob at it—

*BWOOP BWOOP*

But the guy finally turns it off and—

OH DEAR GOD NO, TURN IT BACK ON YOU CREEPY CREEP. This is the worst blind date ever.

But this weirdo shuffling around in front of floodlights in a cave is not Korby. He’s just come to take them to Korby. And not a moment too soon, as one of the redshirts plummets into the “bottomless” hole from earlier. We’re told it was an accident but my money’s on this Lurch-looking motherfucker:

Who quickly takes out the other guy

wait is that really

oh my god it actually is Lurch.

Meanwhile Spotlight Guy is like gee what a shame but more importantly don’t worry about the dude who just plummeted to his death we gotta go see Dr. Korby. They go with him and find out Korby has another friend, a woman named Andrea who’s basically wearing two scarves.

Chapel’s response: >_>

But any jealousy she might feel subsides when Korby shows up and immediately starts high-key makin’ out with her

Kirk smiles knowingly as he realizes the sexy scarf lady is fair game.

But peace is not to last in Makeout Cavern. Kirk soon realizes his other redshirt is MIA and probably not because he stepped out for bubble tea. He tries to call Enterprise but Spotlight Guy pulls a gun on him and Andrea tries to take his key fob (or possibly cup his balls, the shot is really badly framed). Kirk rolls a 17 on his Tumble check, executes a near-perfect Captain Roll™ and opens fire but before he can get away Lurch grabs him and they hug it out.

Oh also the Spotlight Guy was Some Kinda Robot. (Some Kinda Robot is my new indy mumblecore band.)

Presumably Kirk had his phaser on stun, in which case, holy shit that is one fragile robot.

Lurch-o-tron (or “Ruk”) pulls a T-1000 by talking to Spock in Kirk’s voice and reassuring him everything is gravy. Actually since this show predates Terminator 2 by 25 years I guess the T-1000 was pulling a Ruk. Korby is remarkably chill about all this horse fuckery and just wants to be allowed to explain. Y’see the original inhabitants of Exo III (the “Ancient Ones”) moved underground when shit got too cold, and as all inscrutable long-dead alien civilizations do, built some android servants to help out around the place. Ruk is the only one left. Korby found him maintaining the machinery and decided to keep him, like a seven-foot-tall, murderous puppy. Ruk chooses that moment to give me nightmares by speaking in Andrea and Christine’s voice. Kirk tries to run again but Ruk throws his ass across the room (emphasis on the ass part):

Andrea asks why Christine is not happy now that she is with Roger. Yeah I got a better question why the fuck are you wearing sexy overalls

Also she’s an android too. Oh, ANDRea, now I get it ha ha fuck yooooouuuuuuu. This adds an entire layer of eww to her relationship with Dr. Korby. Since he already had an assistant and a bodyguard there was no reason for having Andrea around except to turn his life into a Robot Girlfriend manga.

He demonstrates her—ewwwwww—obedience to him by having her kiss Kirk. And then slap him. And then give him a handy. Kirk is developing all sorts of new fetishes today, and he’s about to develop more as Korby and Ruk strap him into a giant BDSM turntable

with a person-shaped pool float

as apparently this is how androids are made. Sexy, sexy androids.

Mathematicians have discovered a new number, the largest known integer in existence—it’s the number of erotic fics spawned by this image.

Now that Kirk is restrained and we’ve all become a little moister for it, it’s time to play WHEEL

OF

CAPTAAAAAINN!

That sound you heard was the ao3 “Kirk x Kirk” tag imploding under its own weight. (If you try to tell me you’ve never imagined what you would do with two naked & immobilized Captain Kirks, you’re lying.)

The body has been copied. Korby initiates the brain/memory transfer and Kirk starts muttering racist shit to himself about Spock. Elsewhere Andrea tells Christine “I am now programmed to please you also” and so many smut fics pop into existence the entire universe becomes a singularity.

Kirk and his android double trash talk each other over dinner. Korby, like an overexcited Jehovah’s Witness who just saw Blade Runner for the first time, finally gets to give his android pitch. He says he’s offering humankind immortality. Kirk responds by comparing him to Genghis Khan and Hitler, which, I don’t think those guys ever offered to turn humans into robots outside of my alt-history speculative fiction novel.

Kirk chokes Korby out with a random rope tied to the chair (when Korby’s interior decorator swore blood vengeance, he was playing the long game) and escapes, with Ruk close on his heels. Kirk figures since he’s toast he might as well die happy, and snaps off a friendly stalactite to use as a dildo.

Ruk, unsurprisingly, is not vulnerable to bubbly-rock-dick-based forms of attack, but saves Kirk from the death hole because of an earlier order not to harm Kirk. Thanks again, Asimov.

The reason behind Kirk’s earlier xenophobic remarks becomes clear when Android!Kirk pays Enterprise a visit to pick up a brochure on the hottest local Vacation Spots That Might Also Be Susceptible to Secret Android Conversion. Spock asks how he is doing and gets shut down with racial slurs faster than a guy offering hugs at a Donald Trump convention. Instead of going “excuse you bitch” and running off to update his Terran hate blog, Spock immediately realizes Something Is Fucky and puts plans in motion.

Down on Exo III, it looks like Andrea is about to introduce Kirk to another new flavour of love: pegging.

“Bite the pillow Jim, she’s going in dry!”

He teaches her to do the kissing thing without the whole hitting part, but she blurts out “Not programmed for you” (ICKINESS FACTOR 9.9 CAP’N, THE SHIP CANNAE TAKE ANYMOAR ICK) and leaves. Kirk tries to leave too but Ruk forcibly reminds him he is a prisoner here.

Ruk says keeping Kirk alive is “illogical”. Bitch that’s Spock’s line. He reminisces about the Ancient Ones, how they began to fear their mechanical creations. So in the usual A.I. self-fulfilling prophecy trope, they started switching the androids off and the androids retaliated by killing them all. Kirk talks him into fucking with Korby, and they passionately embrace.

Ruk’s rebellion lasts all of five seconds before Korby destroys him. The phaser beam does that thing where it hits someone and their body glows and vanishes completely. I never understood that. How does the beam know to vaporize them and only them? Why doesn’t it just burn through their body and hit whatever’s behind them? I get that this was a limitation of the special effects at the time but this is the kind of stuff I think about. This is my burden.

Back on topic, Korby was an android the whole time!

When he got to Exo III he was nearly dead. Ruk used the machine on him. The way he sees it, he’s still Roger Korby. But Chapel says otherwise. He tells Andrea to go shoot everybody but along the way she runs into RoboKirk and demands a kiss. He says no, it’s illogical, so she’s all “well I got your illogical right here buddy” and blows him away. Then she has a meltdown because of all these EMOTIONS, and babbles to Korby about how she loves him. Korby’s like “eh, whatever” and kills himself and her. Spock shows up with some more redshirts but it’s all over.

sugar and spice and what the fuck

This episode is… not very good. The concept is fine but it’s really poorly executed. For one thing, Chapel is allegedly the focus but she barely gets to participate. The implications of Andrea are never fully explored either. Kirk making out with her is supposedly what pushes her over the edge, but otherwise her breakdown comes out of nowhere. Everything is resolved rather abruptly, with Spock showing up long after it would have been useful. “WALGMO” feels like the first half of a solid episode, but on its own it’s barely above mediocre. Ruk is great though, he alone almost makes the whole thing worth it.

FINAL TALLY
Sexy overalls: +11
Rock penis: +11
Wheel of Kirk: +11
Fanfic Inspiration: +11
Lurch: +22

TOTAL SCORE: 56 POINTS

Best Dialogue:
“Do you understand that a human converted to an android can be programmed for the better? Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate!”
“It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment. The other side of the coin, doctor.”
“No one ever need die again. No disease, no deformities. Even fear can be programmed away, replaced with joy! I’m offering you a practical heaven, a new paradise, and all I need is your help.”

— Korby tries converting Kirk to the Church of Latter Day Androids

Supplementary Material: The novel Immortal Coil primarily features Data from TNG but also significantly ties into this episode’s backstory. It’s a good read, though if you haven’t seen TNG or the TOS episode “Requiem for Methuselah” you’ll be a bit lost. But I highly recommend it.


Thanks for reading TooMuchTrek. Next time we’ll examine the “Dagger of the Mind”.

Star Trek- “Court Martial” (Original air date: February 2nd, 1967)

Written by Don M. Mankiewicz and Steven W. Carabatsos

Directed by Marc Daniels

“The Menagerie” saw Spock stand trial for hijacking the Enterprise. “Court Martial” sees Kirk do the same for a far more serious crime. He is a accused of negligently allowing one Lieutenant Finney to die before it became absolutely necessary.

Most of the episode is taken up by the trial. Law and Order wishes it could ever be as compelling as this. Kirk’s defense lawyer, Samuel T. Cogley, is a luddite who insists on using real books (this is a kingly tendency) and is famous for getting people off in seemingly impossible cases. To complicate matters further, the prosecuting attorney is a former lover of Kirk’s, Areel Shaw. This allows Kirk to not only show his pure command record, but also his hilarious womanizing side.

The combination of these elements, along with the fleshing out of some of Kirk’s past, make “Court Martial” a wonderful episode, full of suspense and emotion.

TOS “The Man Trap”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 05
“The Man Trap”

What’s It About? Spooky salt vampire cosplays as various crew members

Should I Watch It? Please do. You would be doing yourself a favour. It’s a little on the sad side but it’s one of McCoy’s best episodes.

TRAPS ARE NOT GENDER-SPECIFIC

Shit is weird right off the bat in this one. Kirk and McCoy stop at planet M-113 to give an archaeologist and his wife mandatory space checkups. Their names are Nancy and Robert Crater. Crater. You fuckin kidding me with this shit Star Trek, are you trying to be clever? Nancy is very friendly considering she’s McCoy’s ex-wife, but they don’t realize each of them is seeing her with a different face. Robert, on the other hand, wants Starfleet to fuck right off back where they came from and take their free healthcare with them, but if they could maybe leave all of their salt tablets in a pile first before they go, that would be great.

Ensign McWhateverthefuck (AKA the disposable crewman Kirk and McCoy brought with them in case they ran into a killer alien) mysteriously turns up dead. Nancy claims he ate some kind of toxic plant. I’m completely willing to believe Starfleet crewmen will pick up and eat random-ass weeds on whatever bumdick planet they happen to beam to, but McCoy quickly calls bullshit on that. He begins to take Nancy’s story with a grain of……………salt. Or rather he doesn’t. Because the guy’s body has been drained of sodium, y’see.

Kirk and the good doctor head back down to the planet, making sure to take two disposable crewmen this time. “Nancy” kills them both and poses as one of them to get onto the Enterprise. It follows Janice Rand around for awhile while she brings Sulu his lunch, making sexy eyes at the saltshaker and licking its lips.

McCoy is chilling in his cabin, proving for now and all time that he looks really good in a black t-shirt.

He can’t sleep, so Captain Kirk helpfully advises him to take drugs. “Nancy” shows up in his room and rather than question how she suddenly ended up aboard the ship he lets her roofie him with sleeping pills and take his place. Eventually she kills some rando crewman and Kirk realizes there’s a monster loose on the ship and beams down to capture Robert Crater as only he can:

Crater admits Nancy has been dead for awhile. The monster killed her but he couldn’t bring himself to kill it because it’s the last of its kind, like the noble buffalo. Except no buffalo ever put on my woman’s skin and tried to suck all the salt out of my body through my face. Kirk holds a meeting where he basically accuses Crater of fucking the creature (dude, don’t kinkshame) and comes up with a plan to set out salt as bait. “McCoy” (the real one is still passed out in his cabin) helpfully suggests they could maybe just, y’know, leave out the salt but not try to trap the creature. Shockingly, nobody clues in that this isn’t the real McCoy (HAW!) until the monster eats Dr. Crater and flees.

McCoy wakes up to find “Nancy” scarfing down salt pills and hysterically begging him to not let Captain Kirk kill her, shortly before Kirk bursts in with a phaser. Spock follows shortly and, in an attempt to prove she isn’t who she says she is, begins comically pummeling her upside the head until she backhands him so hard he forgets how to fall properly:

The good doctor eventually clues in and kills the monster once its true form (that of a wrinkly, fanged blowup doll) is revealed, as seen above.

On second thought, forget McCoy. He slept through most of it. Uhura kind of steals the show in this episode. There’s a scene near the start where she flirts with Spock out of boredom. Later when the creature is posing as the man of her dreams they speak Swahili for a second and it’s neat. All jokes aside, it’s very in the spirit of Trek that they would mourn the salt vampire’s passing. Nobody wants to be responsible for the extinction of a species.

FINAL TALLY
Rubber monster suit: +10
Uhura being smooth af: +15
Drama: +10
That fucking screenshot of Spock: +25

TOTAL SCORE: 60 POINTS

Best Lines:
“You were just thinking of someone like me. I’m guessing, of course, but you do look a little lonely.”
“I see. So naturally when I’m lonely I think of you.”
— the creature in disguise, and Uhura (shutting him down hard)


Thanks for reading TrekWatch! Next episode is… ooooh, “The Naked Time”!

Originally posted by usagisoup

TOS: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”

Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 01
“Where No Man Has Gone Before”

What’s It About? A crewman catches superpowers from bumping into the edge of the galaxy and it becomes everybody’s problem

Should I Watch It? Definitely! Good story, good acting, all in all a good intro to Trek. It’s listed third in some episode guides, but watch it first—it’s the pilot. 

GOD IS DEAD

Fun fact: Star Trek actually had two pilots, because the network rejected the first one for being “too cerebral”. This one is supposedly less cerebral and more action oriented, I guess. 

Even though it aired third I recommend watching it first as it’s very obviously the pilot: the uniforms are slightly different (turtleneck collars and no redshirts) and there’s no Uhura, Bones, Chapel or Rand (they hadn’t been cast yet). Sulu appears but he’s a science officer instead of piloting the ship—that job falls to Lieutenant Gary Mitchell (the guy in the picture).

While on a mission to explore the galaxy’s edge, the Enterprise picks up a “black box” recorder from a really old, lost starship called the Valiant that exploded under mysterious circumstances after coming this way. Despite the warning, Kirk decides to forge ahead anyway. Also Spock gets really pissy because Kirk beat him in chess.

Enterprise flies into an ominous energy field that may or may not exist, blowing out the ship’s engines and giving Lt. Mitchell a case of the Glowey Eyes. Long story short his condition develops into a preliminary case of Omnipotence-itis and everyone begins to worry he might not be all that human anymore. Everyone that is, except Dr. Elizabeth Dehner (ship’s psychiatrist), who seems a little too fascinated with the metamorphosis occurring right before her eyes.

Scary Gary is starting to sound less like Jim’s old friend and more like a worrisome mix of Magneto and Dr. Manhattan, so Kirk makes the executive decision to dump him at an uninhabited, automated mining facility where the crew repairs the warp drive. But Mitchell kicks their asses and fucks off with Dehner, who has contracted the Glowey Eyes disease, as she and Gary decide to go Adam & Eve it up in their own self-made paradise.

Kirk finally wakes up and smells the pancakes and staggers off into the wilderness to kill god. His attempt fails but for the intervention of Dehner, who realizes humans can’t even handle the power of Internet anonymity, let alone the Almighty. Gary shrugged off a point blank blast from a phaser rifle earlier, but he’s somehow still vulnerable to getting kicked in the ribs, and is presumed dead after Kirk drops a giant rock on him. Dehner dies too. Sad. The End.

Some minor quibbles: during the initial barrier crossing scene on the bridge, Spock keeps shouting his lines even before anything starts happening. Then there’s this female crewman who just sorta stands there for some reason, and Gary holds her hand the entire time. What is she, the designated crew hand-holder? Shouldn’t he have both hands on the controls? For shame. Also he calls Dehner a “walking freezer unit” when she rebuffs his clumsy attempt to hit on her. He apologizes later, but ewwww.

Gary Lockwood plays Mitchell and does a fine job (he was also in 2001: A Space Odyssey as Dr. Poole). Dehner’s sudden upgrade to goddess is actually foreshadowed quite nicely with an offhand reference to her ESP scores. It raises several questions: was her fascination with him pure psychiatry, romantic interest, or was she subconsciously drawn to him because he was one of her own kind? It’s a shame her death scene is so short. Also the scene where Gary Final Destinations Lt. Kelso by mind-strangling him with a cable is fucked up as hell.

FINAL TALLY:
Concept: +10
Glowey Eyes: +13
Reverb: +8
KIRK SHIRT RIP BONUS: +20

TOTAL SCORE: 51 POINTS

Best Line:
“There’ll only be one of you in the end… one jealous god! If all this makes a god! Or is it making him something else?”
— Kirk, to Dehner

Supplementary Material: Oddly, the magic barrier that grants god-powers is never mentioned again, but Greg Cox wrote an amazing novel trilogy called The Q Continuum (Q-Space, Q-Zone and Q-Strike) that revisits the barrier in the TNG era and explains how it came to be.


Thank you for reading this instalment of TrekWatch. Next up: “The Corbomite Maneuver”!