was packed in the large cabin on a warm day in Malibu, California. Sweat was
dripping down my spine and you could hardly move without someone touching you
but I loved the energy. I could have been up there with him, in fact it was
what he had originally wanted, but I liked being in the crowd. I liked feeling
that nervous, excited, and electric energy. I also just liked watching him; I
liked looking up at him from the place where we had first encountered each
other. I liked remembering how we got here.
It all started during his
amazing two year Into the Wild tour, one that earned the band a Guinness World
Record for doing an insane three hundred and nine shows. That is when we first
met at least. To be honest the memory is a bit fuzzy as a result of the
adrenaline with startling moments of clarity. The first time I saw him was when
the tour came to Toronto on April 18th, 2010. It seems so far away now. I had
gone alone not because I wanted to but because none of my friends at the time
were either interested or free to attend but I wasn’t going to miss it. I had
been excited for it for months, I had been dreaming about the music and then I
It was warm on the floor and
so tightly packed that I was shoved right up against the guard rail in front of
the stage. The upper levels of the building were also packed with people and
everything was so deliciously loud that I just kind of closed my eyes and
basked in it. I stayed that way, just listening, feeling the energy and the
excitement and then I heard the telling roar of the crowd. Opening my eyes he
walked onto the stage and from there it was a blur because I was lost in the
It was closer to the end of
the concert during the acoustic set when things became clearer. I had been lost
in the husky rasp of his voice as he sang Hurricane with an elegance and a
sexiness that left me breathless and caused tears to prick my eyes.
He had started to sing The
Kill but I had been so overtaken with emotion that for a moment I hadn’t
noticed, I was too busy smiling with my eyes closed like a dope and I had tears
streaming down my cheeks. When I opened my eyes I almost jumped out of my skin
because he was right there. His startling blue eyes were all I could focus on
as he sang and he reached out, brushing a tear from my cheek. In that moment it
was just him and me, no one else, just him and me. His voice danced across my
skin, his hand lingering on my cheek and like anyone would, in that moment I
felt special. In that moment I had his attention and that is all that seemed to
matter. I touched his hand lightly and he smiled, pressing his sweaty forehead
against mine as he sang the chorus and I startled both him and myself when I
started singing with him. He seemed pleased with me though, the crowd seemed pleased,
and I was on cloud nine. I felt free, and then he was gone, off too continue being a
Before his closing number I
had been lead out by security, I thought it had been because they were worried
that my ribs would be crushed with how hard I was being shoved against the
rail, but when they made me sit backstage I was nervous. I sat on a black box
trying to think about everything I had done tonight in case I had done
something wrong, but my adrenaline was too high for my brain to be as chill as
I needed it to be.
“Hey,” and that’s how it
He had called me back to meet
me for reasons beyond my comprehension. I didn’t really think I was anything
special, it was shocking enough that he sang to me let alone having gone
through the trouble of inviting me back stage. He talked to me for an hour
because that was as long as he was able before he was off, he was a busy man.
He was sweet, and he was charming, and he saw something in me. He made me laugh
and I told him about myself, it seemed so surreal.
When he asked for my name
though, I didn’t give it, call it my mysterious/flirty side coming out or
stupidity. Parting with him I felt particularly brazen and turned his cheek to
place a kiss on it, but he had other ideas and turned his head so his lips
pressed against mine for a moment. I was floored to say the least, but I held
my own saying calmly, if a little breathlessly, “If we see each other
again in Poland, I’ll give you my name, that’s if you remember.”
I knew I wouldn’t be able to
forget, I would never want to forget. Whether he expected a fling or whatever
celebrities expect I didn’t know at the time, and I really didn’t care. He
simply smirked and let me go; he didn’t have a choice in the matter anyway
since his team of security had come to lead him away. I left with every cell in
my body tingling and that feeling did not go away for weeks.
Skipping to August 20th, 2010
I was in Poland. I had gone to visit a friend I had met while I backpacked
around the world after I had graduated from university a few years back. It was
also just convenient because while I was in Kraków visiting, I also had my
ticket for tonight to go to the Polish Aviation Museum to see 30 Seconds to
Mars play for the second time that year.
I wasn’t stupid or delusional,
I cherished what had happened at the last concert but I knew the likelihood of
anything like it happening again was slim to none. So, I drove there, went
through the gruelling lines and pushed through the packed bodies and onto the
large floor and I waited.
It started off all the same, I
could feel the music vibrating in my throat and I could feel the energy of the
room pulsing through my veins like a drug. The music drew me in, they drew me
in, he drew me in.
“Now, I got a story I wanna
tell you guys, do you wanna hear a story?”
Everyone screamed and I did
“Alright, so a boy meets a
There was a couple of ooohs from the crowd and I couldn’t help but
“The girl sings, she looks
great, she has this guy intrigued and what does she do?”
I wasn’t laughing anymore, I
glanced around silently wondering… no… no partly wishing that maybe this story
“WHAT?” The audience
“She didn’t even give me her
name. Now if she is here tonight, she has a promise she’s gotta keep, this one
is for the woman that left me in a Hurricane.”
I gravitated closer, I wound
through the bodies until I was close enough to see him clearly and for a
fraction of a second I was tempted to just disappear. To leave a good thing
good, but then his eyes found me and I was lost again.
Somehow we ended up here, six years later at Camp Mars and I had never
been happier for him, I had never been more proud. For the most part I was out
of the paparazzi’s line of vision, I had been for years and I didn’t mind it. I
didn’t need a picture in a magazine to validate that I was his as much as he
was mine. I didn’t need them to speculate on anything that I already knew. For
some reason he saw something in me, and he… loved me for it and he just made me
so happy. He was a dreamer, a generous heart, an adventurer, ambitious, and his
mind was one that I have spent hours picking through. He was amazing. I was only a rumour, he had wanted me to go
with him to promote his film Suicide Squad but he understood why I couldn’t. I
had had my own obligations with my company, and it just… didn’t seem to be the
right time for me. We had been on and off the first little bit and only for the
past three years have we been going at a steady pace.
“Oh, I’m not gonna hurt ya,” he
said in his signature Joker growl, and I smiled screaming with the crowd around
“I feel like,” he sat
down, “I feel like if I do it, he’s just gonna come out and he’s just
going to stay out.”
The crowd screamed, obviously
having no issue with having Mister J grace them with his presence.
“You remember like, last year,
you can hear it in the footage. I was still talking like the fuckin’ Joker, it
was like Ohhh look in my eyes,” I giggled, recalling those
little slips when we were alone as well.
“I see all your phones and
Waiting for the crowd to die
down a bit I tried to nail down Harley’s tone and my voice rang out over the
crowd, “Pretty please, Puddin’ will you come out to play?”
His head whipped around,
finding me, and a slow grin spread across his face. The crowd was roaring and
he gestured for me to come with his index finger.
“Now this lovely lady, who you
all are about to meet, is my little Harley. Her name is Y/N give her a
The crowd cheered and my
cheeks flushed as I moved to his side, and he draped an arm over my
“Say hello, doll,” He said in
his Joker voice, and I had to wait a few moments until the crowd quieted
“Hello,” I gave a small wave
and he pressed a kiss to my temple before letting me go.
“Now you guys want him?” Loud
“And you want him?” He asked
me, and I batted my lashes.
“Mmmhmm,” I nodded, Shannon
and Tomo were off to the side laughing.
“Well, how about that, doll?”
He growled and I smiled.
“Puddin’,” I giggled.
“Now who do we have here?” He
looked out at the screaming crowd as they vigorously hit the record buttons on
“Fans, puddin’. Wanna show
them a good time?”
“Fans you say? Crazy little
monsters, huh?” He purred, surveying the crowd of screaming and satisfied
“We could use them to get
batsy, batsy, batsy-”
His hand curled around my
throat, and I felt his thumb brush my neck soothingly. There was a playfulness
in his eyes that was inherently Jared, but there was darkness in there too, a
madness that he had found within himself doing what he did best. In all
fairness it was hard not to laugh as he tried to pull off intimidating in a
wide sunhat, aviators, and a tie-dyed shirt.
“I make the plans around here doll, now
you just shut that pretty little mouth of yours.”
“Hey!” One of the ladies in
the crowd yelled out, half-playfully.
“Don’t make me come over
The crowd screamed and Mister
J laughed, rolling his neck before returning Jared to us.
“That’s all you’re getting you
filthy kids,” He laughed lightly, taking my hand.
“Give it up, for the one, the
only, the infamous, (Y/N- Y/LAST NAME),” he finished off introducing me like
the Joker had introduced Harley and he pulled me close moving the mic out of
the way for a moment.
“Happy?” He said
I smirked, “A little
“Just a little bit?”
“Yeah?” He growled, kissing me
and the crowd cheered.
“Wanna go over with Shannon
for a bit, I’ll come to you later?”
“Give it all you got, babe,” I
winked at him, stealing the towel hanging from his back pocket and throwing it
into the crowd.
“Heyyyyyy, I was using that,”
He playfully whined.
“Ooops, sorry Puddin’, my hand
I sat down, cross legged
beside Shannon and he bumped my shoulder whispering in my ear that that had
been awesome. I grinned watching Jared like I had so many times before and he
shot me a smile whistling, before going back to what he was born to do.