torn and all caught up

my boss: why cant you come into work today?

me: I have been shot, stabbed, set on fire, torn up all over my body, caught in a conveyor belt and had a decent amount of skin sanded off down to the muscle and fat, ripped up, run over, poisoned, irradiated and not to mention the other dozen or so injuries I have had that required stitches that I had to administer myself or other things such as cauterizing my wound with a hot knife blade